For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 13: Little Girl Lost

"How was your trip?" asks Joyce as soon as Faith and Buffy leave us to go on patrol.

"It's not good, I'm afraid," I say, addressing Joyce's unvoiced question while trying to organize my thoughts. I have plenty of things I must tell her and the truth is that I'm not entirely sure how she's going to react to some of them.

"How bad?"

"Bad enough to put both Faith and Buffy at risk," I admit, deciding against trying to sugar-coat it for her. This is something she has a right to know.

"Buffy?" she asks, perplexed.

"Yes."

"I don't understand."

"The truth is that Faith never really stood a chance," I explain, "what I learned is disturbing to say the least. When I first arrived in Boston I went to Faith's old school... that place was so depressing... I don't know how those children are expected to learn anything in such an environment. Each class has at least forty students and most of the teachers are ill prepared. For the most part they don't care about their jobs and they don't care about their students. None of her former teachers could even remember Faith. In the end I got lucky with the school librarian, a woman named Ms. Simmons... she certainly remembered her though it's hard to believe that the girl we've met is the same girl she was describing. The girl she described was shy, quiet and..."

"Faith, our Faith, was shy and quiet?" she asks, utterly surprised.

"As I said, it's hard to believe it's the same girl but yes, those were her words. She said she knew the type. Faith used to spend hours at the library and she managed to read most of the books that were available to her a couple of times --which having seen that place doesn't really mean that much-- but according to Ms. Simmons that probably had less to do with a thirst for knowledge than with a desperate attempt to avoid having to go home. Ms. Simmons didn't know Faith had run away but she didn't seem particularly surprised when I told her either... she said that maybe things just got too bad for her at home during the summer, when the school was closed, and Faith had nowhere else to go. It sounded like she had seen that happen before and was resigned to seeing it happen again. Anyway, after my encounter with Ms. Simmons I felt ready to tackle Faith's mother... it wasn't a pleasant experience."

"That's awful but I still don't understand why you say the situation could possibly endanger Buffy as well."

"I'm getting to that. When I met Faith's mother I had absolutely no doubt as to who she was... Faith looks a lot like her. At first I wasn't entirely sure how to handle that encounter, to tell you the truth. I was there to tell her that I knew where her daughter was but that she couldn't have her back and I figured that wasn't going to be easy. I was shocked when she seemed more trouble by the prospect of having her daughter come back into her life than anything else... the truth is that she doesn't want her back. The good news is that I have a letter and a couple of other documents from her that should be enough to allow Faith to stay with either of us legally and to enable her to attend school... anyway, after my talk with Ms. Simmons I think maybe we can try to get her admitted as a sophomore on academic probation while I work with her to make up for her freshman year, so that she's reasonably close to her own age group, what do you think?"

"I think you are stalling," Joyce points out.

"Sorry, it's just that what kind of mother signs over custody of her teenaged daughter to a total stranger --and a male stranger at that-- no questions asked? That woman was more troubled by the fact that her daughter was alive than anything else. When I first told her that I had news about Faith her initial reaction was just what I had been expecting, she seemed relieved but then she asked me if she was dead and it was only when I said 'no' that her face fell."

"What!?" Joyce all but screamed.

"She'd rather have Faith dead than back in her life. Anyway I got her to talk to me after I promised that we wouldn't send her daughter back to her. On her behalf I have to say that her own life probably was anything but easy, though there were a couple of contradictions in her story... enough for me to suspect that she wasn't being entirely honest with me.

"As we already knew she was just fourteen when Faith was born... she said her parents kicked her out saying that they wanted nothing to do with either of them. Being pregnant prostitution obviously wasn't an option so apparently she began dealing drugs, acting as a carrier, using her age and condition to avoid raising suspicions... she kept doing it for a few years after Faith was born. She admitted that much. When Faith was a baby her mother used to carry drugs in her diaper bag or her pram, using her own daughter as a cover. That went on until Faith was about four or five years old, that's when her mother decided to clean up her act after she came a little too close to being arrested.

"She said that that made her realize that if she were to be arrested their father would get Faith and she wasn't willing to take that chance, so I guess she loved her daughter... at least when she was younger. I think what happened was that as time went by she became more and more aware of the chances she would never have because of Faith and she started resenting her as a result. After she stopped dealing drugs Cristina --that's her mother's name-- found herself going from one dead end minimum wage job to the next, from one deadbeat boyfriend to the next... and I can't imagine how that could possibly have been good for Faith.

"I'm speculating here but I believe Faith was probably forced to deal not only with her mother's growing neglect and resentment but also with the abuse from at least some of her boyfriends. I wasn't able to track them down so I don't know exactly what happened, though I think Ms. Simmons guess as to what finally caused her to run away is probably accurate.

"The two years between the time when she ran away and her calling are, unfortunately, a mystery but going by her behavior and Buffy's experiences I think we can get a general idea."

"Yes, I guess we can," says Joyce looking rather shaken, "but you haven't told me why you think some of Cristina's story is not true... I mean, it's not like she comes across like a devout mother or anything like that so why do you think she is lying? Do you think she was still involved with dealing drugs even when Faith was older?"

"No, she doesn't come across as a wonderful mother --and no, I don't think she continued to be involved with drugs or anything like that-- but she said her parents kicked her out when they discovered her pregnancy and then she said she cleaned up her act for fear that their father would get custody of Faith if she were to be arrested, but if they had kicked her out saying that they wanted nothing to do with her or her baby..."

"Then it would make no sense for her to worry about the fact that they would get Faith if she were to be arrested," Joyce interrupts me, coming to the same conclusion I had upon meeting Cristina, "you think she ran away, don't you? You think that she feared her parents would take her daughter away from her... but if she did, why lie about it when she was willing to admit to everything else? It just doesn't make sense."

"It's more than that... worse than that and I truly hope I'm wrong. I honestly hope I'm reading too much into an innocent mistake made by someone whose grammar leaves much to be desired, but Cristina spoke of 'our father', not 'my father' or 'Faith's grandfather' but 'our father'. That was her one concern, she never mentioned her mother."

"Do you think Faith knows?" asks Joyce after a few seconds, obviously having made the same connection I did.

"I don't even know if I'm right, but if I am I don't think so. I don't think Cristina would have told her and she was almost certainly too young when she ran away to even consider the possibility. As I said, Faith was born into a less than ideal situation and she basically had no guidance growing up. I don't think having a small scale drug dealer for a mother who felt her life was hopeless and blamed her for it --not to mention a long string of bad role models-- gave her a strong sense of identity, a lot of confidence or a good grounding when it comes to concepts such as right and wrong."

"No, I guess not... you think it's up to us to change that now, don't you?"

"If Faith and Buffy are to make it," I say.

"Why Buffy? I mean I understand why Faith but..."

"You know that old saying that with great power comes great responsibility?" I interrupt, knowing that this is going to be the hardest part for Joyce to accept.

"Yes."

"Well, think of the responsibility Faith's been given. She is a slayer --it's only by some miracle that she's not the slayer-- but even though deep down she's a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders her understanding of such basic things as right and wrong leaves much to be desired."

"I get that, but I still don't know what you are getting to."

"In all of the Council's history there have only been two rogue slayers and in both instances taking them down resulted in a slaughter... I'm not saying Faith is going to go rogue but the fact is that her background makes her particularly vulnerable. It wouldn't take much to push her over the edge and if that were to happen there would be only one person who would stand a chance to take her down..."

"And that would be Buffy," Joyce interrupts, having finally realized what I'm trying to say.

"I'm afraid so... and seeing how Buffy thinks of Faith almost as a younger sister, even if she were to succeed being forced to fight her would almost certainly destroy her as well."

"So we don't let Faith go rogue."

"It's not that simple. We have over sixteen years worth of damage to undo. When I was in Boston I took advantage of the opportunity to visit some college libraries without Buffy's knowledge, trying to get a better idea of where we stand. You have to understand that there are some very basic concepts that Faith may have some serious trouble with. Things we take for granted."

"Such as?"

"Well, when you think of a safe place your first thought is probably 'home'... for Faith 'home' is anything but a safe place. I also did some reading regarding Buffy's situation and there are areas where I believe we will be dealing with degrees of damage in both of them. This is not something that is going to be easily fixed. The truth is that we have our work cut out for us."

"You keep saying 'we'."

"Yes, I know. The fact is that whether we like it or not I believe we are in this together... I don't think either one of us would stand a chance alone."

"I agree, but what do you mean there are degrees of damage in both of them. Buffy's been doing fine since she came home."

"Or so it seems. I think there are things we will have to acknowledge, and I'm sorry for bringing this up in such a crass fashion but I do believe it's necessary. For us 'having sex' and 'making love' are two expressions that under normal circumstances have similar meanings."

"Yes."

"Do you think that's how Buffy sees it?"

"I would certainly hope so."

"This is not about hopes, Joyce, and the truth is that right now that's probably not the case and we both know it."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That I believe that right now for Buffy having sex has absolutely nothing to do with making love. In her mind that emotional connection between love and sex has almost certainly been broken and you have to be prepared to deal with the fact that at times her behavior may reflect that."

"I guess, though I haven't seen any evidence of that."

"Maybe the situations she's encountered since she came back weren't right for a problem to become apparent or maybe she's still trying to pretend that nothing's changed for your benefit but I believe it is only a matter of time before those changes manifest themselves."

"And Faith?"

"Faith is a different story. Sex she knows --and she's very open about it-- but I don't think she can even begin to understand the concept of making love... in fact I'm not sure she can even understand the concept of 'love'. What I'm trying to say is that with Buffy you laid a foundation as to how things were meant to be in some areas and then something happened to change her perspective. She may see things from a different angle but no matter what happens that foundation is still there... with Faith on the other hand that foundation is missing.

"It's like with Buffy you have a building with a rather solid foundation that has gone through a thorough remodeling or maybe even received some damage... the result is a building that is still solid and stable though it may look very different from the way it once did. In Faith's case that foundation was not properly laid in the first place and the result is a building that is not structurally sound and can collapse at any time. There are things that can be done to strengthen it, but that fundamental flaw will always be there."

"And seeing how Faith is a girl and not a building I guess tearing the whole thing down to rebuild is out of the question."

"Yes... in fact I think Faith got extremely lucky before she came here."

"Lucky?!"

"Yes, Cristina was surprised by my presence so it's apparent that the Council never contacted her... and I suspect they never even tried to learn anything about her past. You have to understand that through the centuries the Council has developed a rather blase attitude toward slayers... with the exception of some of their watchers who know them personally they don't really care about them as individuals, they just care about the cause and what the girls can do. I'm afraid that if the Council had learned the danger Faith could pose because of her background they might have taken some sort of preemptive action."

"'Preemptive action'?"

"They might have decided that she was too dangerous and executed her in order to call the next slayer."

"You have to be kidding me! They would have killed that child?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And you work for them?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I agree with them and right now I'll do whatever I can to keep Faith safe."

"You better!"

"So have you decided what you are going to do about Faith?"

"I'm keeping her, that's for sure... especially if there is a chance that the Council might decide to come after her."

"It's not going to be easy."

"I know, she's been staying with me for almost two weeks now," Joyce reminds me.

"So how have they been doing? I'm guessing there were no major problems between them."

"No, they are getting along fabulously... I never would have thought so, I mean Buffy is an only child but she is really protective of Faith. Sometimes I think it's been harder on me than on her, like the other day. I overheard a conversation between them and..." she trails off.

"What happened?" I prompt her.

"I wasn't ready. They were joking about life on the streets and exchanging tips on how to survive, how to size up perspective clients to avoid the most dangerous ones. It kind of made me see some things I didn't want to acknowledge... it made everything Buffy's been through suddenly seem a little too real. Let's just say that they were talking about things I never wanted my little girl to know and leave it at that. Up until that point you had always been there to mediate between her experiences and me... I'm not sure that makes any sense."

"It does and I understand, just as long as you accept the fact that it wasn't Faith's fault."

"I know, it took me a while but I do realize that now... I just don't like hearing Buffy sounding like that. They don't even know I heard them but I can't deny it was a major shock."

"That's understandable. Even though while she was living with me I kept trying to push Buffy to open up, I think right now it might be best if we just give her some space and let her come to us. On the other hand I think Faith's presence may yet turn out to be a blessing in that regard too, if we handle things properly."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's obvious that Buffy needs to be able to talk about what she's been through with someone who won't judge her or be horrified. She needs someone who can accept her experiences as 'normal' and seeing how she doesn't seem particularly keen on the idea of counseling, her having a friend who can actually relate to what she's been through is probably the next best thing. Willow is a great girl but there's no way she could understand and Buffy knows it... and I admit that I am too uncomfortable with the details to be much help either."

"You and me both."

"Yes, I imagine this can't be easy for you either."

"No, easy is definitely not the word I would use to describe it. So you think being around Faith could actually be good for her? I mean, I want her to stay with us but sometimes she's just so wild that I have to admit she scares me a little."

"Yes, I think Faith can help... with appropriate supervision. The thing is that Buffy clearly needs someone she can talk to freely --someone with whom she doesn't have to worry about the other person's feelings-- and that's something Faith can offer her. On the other hand I feel I must warn you that I believe both Buffy and Faith are on the edge right now and they are hanging on to each other for dear life, and that's a dangerous place for them to be. I won't lie to you, I think Faith is closer to falling right now and if we are not careful she could potentially drag Buffy down with her, but if we manage to hold on to Buffy and pull her to safety I think we also stand a chance to save Faith."

"In other words we can save them both or lose them both."

"Yes... I wish that weren't the case and if we had known when Buffy first met Faith what we now know it could possibly have been prevented --we could have done things differently, kept them from growing this close-- but that's no longer an option."

"Then we pull them both to safety."

"I guess we do."

"And now that that's settled I want you to tell me about the rest of your trip."

I know what she's asking and I hesitate for a moment, unsure as to whether or not Joyce is ready to deal with that side of me --the side I've been trying to hide for over twenty years-- but a look into her eyes makes it clear to me that she needs to know so I tell her... in great detail.