For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 16: (S)mothering
(Buffy's POV)

And it is yet another lovely day for being mistrusted... of course whether or not it's a lovely day for it makes no difference, I'll be mistrusted anyway. I just wish my mom and Giles would get over it but it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon. I was only half joking when I asked my mom to let me drive after getting her to buy half the chocolates Snyder saddled me with but then she just had to go ruin it... and I don't mean by saying 'no'. The way things are going I kind of get the feeling that she's going to trust Faith with her car before she trusts me with it... or with anything else for that matter. She's on top of me all the time now. She wants to know where I am, what I'm doing and who am I with every single moment of the day. I mean, it's nice that she cares and all that but she's driving me nuts... and Giles is even worse.

I mean, look at us. I'm here but Faith didn't even bother to show up for lunch and I have no idea as to where she could possibly be. If I'd pulled a stunt like that I wouldn't see the light of day for a couple of weeks but with Faith mom just shrugs it off saying that it gives us a chance for some alone time. I feel trapped, I feel like I just can't set a foot out the door without having to write a report about it... in duplicate form, one copy for my mom and one for Giles. And speaking of Giles I better get going, he wanted to meet me after lunch for some one-on-one training.

-o-

The good news is that I've managed to get rid of the remaining twenty bars, the bad news is that Giles is in 'creative training' mode. His latest idea is to get me to try and hit him with a ball while I'm blindfolded... no pun intended but I could do it with my eyes closed. I'm used to tracking vamps and humans are far noisier and easier to pinpoint. If nothing else they have to breathe and that's always a dead --or was that living-- giveaway of their position. I decide to make things interesting and --just as I expected-- I hear Giles start gloating about how I missed my mark, I wait a couple of seconds and then the ball bounces off his head, right on schedule. It was fun but I've had enough. I need some breathing room and that means I have to play dirty, so I tell him I have to go home, that I promised my mom I'd be there. I know I'm playing with fire, I know I'll be in a world of hurt if they catch me --and I know that seeing how they've teamed up for their little 'let's fix poor broken Buffy' project there's a good chance that they might figure it out-- but I can't take this any more. I swear I had more freedom when I was six.

It's not so much that I have anywhere I'd rather be as it is that I just want a couple of hours to be me. A couple of hours of not being Giles's little slayer, or the obvious disappointment I am to my mom, or Willow's old perky friend and study-buddy... just me-me. I kind of wish I knew where Faith was but maybe it's better that I don't 'cause I don't want to get her in trouble. I mean, if I get caught my mom may yell at me or she may ground me until the next apocalypse (no biggie, it's scheduled for next week anyway)... but if she catches me sneaking around with Faith in tow she could kick her out, especially if she gets it into her head that the whole thing was Faith's naughty idea to begin with because her little girl would never do something like that.

The truth is that sometimes I'm still not sure where Faith stands with mom and Giles so I know I have to be careful. I think my mom's actually starting to like her on her own, but with her still stuck in mother-hen mode I really can't afford to get the two of us in trouble 'cause Faith is likely to be labeled as a 'bad influence' and she's got nowhere else to go. I know she can handle herself no matter what mom does, it's not like she's never been on her own before, but that would be so totally unfair.

Sometimes I wonder what mom and Giles would say if they knew a little more about Faith's past... somehow I don't think they'd understand. Mom sees her as someone who can help me, for Giles dealing with her is part of his duties as a watcher but they don't really know her. She's also their charity case and Faith's not helping. She's used to keeping people away from who she is and she does it almost instinctively. She adapts to survive, that's what she's good at, I've seen one Faith with the Scoobies and another one with mom and Giles but those two Faiths are very different from the one I know.

Anyway I hand Giles his candy bars and I make my break for freedom... at least for a couple of hours.

-o-

Let's face it, freedom is highly overrated.

Okay, so I'm enjoying being out at night alone for the first time in way too long, without Giles telling me how to do my job and Faith wisecracking every chance she gets but being alone is also kind of lonely. And yes, I know that's kind of a 'duh' thought, thank you very much, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. I mean, all I've been able to do with this sneaking around is stake a couple of fledges so dumb it wasn't even funny and probably get myself in trouble, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I guess my freedom was not the only thing I was missing after all. I miss being trusted and I miss my old friends. I miss being able to go to Willow for some regular girl talk, not like the one I have with Faith that would probably be enough to make a pornographer blush, I miss being able to hang with Xander without feeling the urge to strangle him after a couple of minutes for being a guy. I mean, I know he is a lot taller than I am so he must usually look down to see me --I can deal with that-- and I understand that maybe his aim ain't so great, but the fact remains that last time I checked my eyes were on my face, not my chest. I even miss Cordelia, sometimes. That's kind of weird because even though she's mostly an accidental Scooby and we were never good friends to begin with, the fact that she's still her bitchy self around me is something of a relief, but since she's joined at the hip with Xander it's not like I can go to her either. The other one of them who still seems to be truly comfortable around me is Oz but for the most part he's either with Willow or rehearsing with his band... unless he wants to be alone.

What does the fact that I'm more comfortable with both of my friends SO than with my friends themselves mean about how things are with us? I guess it means we are in trouble and I don't have a clue as to how to fix this mess... it also means I'm thinking too much so I guess I'd better head for home before mom and Giles figure out that their prisoner is AWOL.

-o-

I see my mom glaring at me as soon as I walk in the door, no surprise there, and I try and explain to her that Giles was being dictatorial, that works until Giles comes up from behind her. I'm so busted, but then again I was already kind of expecting that so it's not that much of a shock... and they've also called Willow, great just what I needed (not!). It feels just like Hemery all over again, with disappointed parental glares in stereo, which is something I'm so not used to any more. I mean, Giles is not my dad but sometimes he still gives me that look. I guess it's because he's my watcher, but having him team up with my mom is so not fair. They tell Faith, who is sitting on the couch pretending to watch TV, to go to her room and I know I'm in it deep.

I try to tell them that I just had to get away but they are not really into listening right now. My mom assumes I was at the Bronze and I decide not to contradict her, it's not like she's likely to understand anyway. They are just there, eating their chocolate and running my life. They are always running my life and I can't take it any more. I'm trying here, I really am, but it's not working. I can't be who they want me to be, I can't take them bringing up the whole summer thing time and time again. I know I messed up, I don't need their constant reminders. I lived through the summer and I survived it, that's the part they don't seem to get. They are scheduling me 24/7... both of them, and there's no way I can fit that into my life... not when even here on the hellmouth days have 24 and not 48 hours. Of course there's also the fact that fitting their demands into my life would require me to actually have a life, which is something I'm apparently not entitled to... not right now anyway. After a couple of minutes of trying to talk to them, of trying to get them to understand, the whole thing kind of degenerates into a shouting match with my mom until Giles decides to intervene and tells us that we shouldn't 'freak out', which is a nice concept but the words are so definitely not Giles that it's not even funny. I don't want to be here, I can't take this any longer so I turn around and head for my room.

I'm so relieved when my mom doesn't yell at me to get back in there. I close the door behind me and just plop down across my bed, staring at the ceiling wishing that my mom and Giles would trust me at least a little.