For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 22: Pushing or Pulling?
(Buffy's POV)

I've been thinking about my little talk with Faith regarding the question of what we should do about mom and Giles --whether we should be pushing or pulling-- and the more I think about it the more I realize she is right. I mean, the whole thing is still kind of freaking me out, I won't deny it and I know it will probably take me a few days to get over it, but that doesn't change the fact that --whether I like it or not-- sooner or later my mom will meet someone and she could certainly do a lot worse than Giles. I remember last year when Ted showed up... it was a nightmare and all my instincts were telling me that there was something wrong, even if I couldn't quite figure out just what it was.

The thing is that when Angel asked me who I would have liked to see my mom with, my answer was still that I wanted her to get back together with my dad, even though I already knew it wasn't going to happen... and even though I could still remember how bad things had gotten between them just before the divorce. In a way I guess I kind of wanted them to go back to the way things were when I was seven or eight, before all the fighting started... or maybe when they were still careful not to fight in front of me. The point is that my mom is not going to get back together with my dad, I know that, only now there's a chance that she will... well, kind of.

I know Giles is not really my dad but the thing is that over these past couple of years he's gotten to be more of a dad to me than my real father has been in a very long time... and by that I don't just mean these past couple of years either. I guess I had never really given it much thought but the truth is that my dad had been pulling away from me since long before the divorce... maybe I just didn't want to see it. I don't know. Everything is so damn confusing right now... I mean, it's as if just as I'm starting to get comfortable with my life something comes along and I'm back to square one, so why should this be any different?

The thing is that I still remember some of the arguments from just before the divorce and I think I can understand what was going on a lot better now than I did back then. Whether I want to admit it or not there had been something very wrong with my parents' marriage for years before they decided to call it quits and I think my dad had been itching to end it for a while... I just didn't want to see it. I mean it was my dad after all and I was supposed to be able to trust him, to believe he'd actually care and be there and all that crap. I was supposed to be able to go to him, but now I just don't know... maybe I still don't want to know... maybe I'm kind of scared of what I'd find if I were to start digging.

The truth is that I do remember things getting pretty ugly toward the end, though for the most part I just pretended not to notice because I was so afraid that saying anything about it would actually make it worse. Back then I thought it was my fault, that it was all because I was the slayer, because of what happened when I was kicked out of school and all that, but now I know that wasn't it. That was just the excuse my dad used to get away because he didn't want to stay with my mom... because he wanted to trade her for a newer, flashier model... one without the strings of a kid attached.

I think that for years he kind of stayed just because he didn't quite know how to break it off --not without getting tarnished in the process-- and the truth is that me burning down that gym just provided him with the acceptable excuse he had been so desperately seeking. I mean, I'm not stupid, I know who my father is, I know what he does and I know what kind of image he has to maintain if he doesn't want to jeopardize his position and his job. Fooling around behind his wife's back was something he could hope to get away with --it was something that was easily forgiven and even expected by his peers and clients-- but dumping his wife and daughter to run off with his secretary would have been a different story altogether. Leaving us without a really good reason would have been too costly professionally for a respected lawyer who wanted to be held in a position of trust. Leaving us to be with his secretary would have been costly, on the other hand, cutting himself free from a juvenile delinquent was more than acceptable.

Sometimes I really hate all this... how much everything's changed... how much I have changed. I mean, it hasn't even been a year since that whole Ted fiasco went down but everything is so damn different now. Back then I still wanted my dad to come back to me in spite of everything, I still refused to see him for who he was, now I just can't help it and it makes me so mad. I guess there's nothing like a couple of months in the real world to make you face reality... even when it hurts like a bitch.

I still remember the moment that caused me to face it, that brought this whole thing into focus even if it really had nothing to do with it, which come to think of it was kind of ironic.

I remember getting into a car with some guy. It wasn't anything special...it wasn't like it was something I hadn't done many times before or anything like that, but that time around something did happen. It was an SUV and it was fairly new but what I remember the most is catching a glimpse of a doll in the back seat and then there was this guy telling me to call him 'dad'. I mean, I know he wasn't my father or anything like that, even if the whole thing did make me just as sick, but the thing was that as I was there it suddenly hit me that that creep might just as well have been my father and that really freaked me out. I remember how I was desperately trying to convince myself of the fact that my dad would never do anything like that... and then I was hit by the realization that the doll's owner would almost certainly have said the same thing about her own father.

That thought was kind of an eye opener.

The thing is that even after everything I'd been through without my dad since the divorce --in spite of the forgotten birthdays and cancelled weekends--I still had refused to take my dad down from his cozy little pedestal. It took a nameless creep asking me to call him 'dad' while he fucked me to finally get me to understand... to get me to see what had been right in front of me all along.

The fact is that the divorce has been final for over two years now and in that time I've only seen my dad a couple of times. He did take me in for the summer once, but even that was kind of awkward. We were strangers and things were really weird. Even though I managed to guilt a couple of shopping sprees out of him, that didn't really make things right... not by a long shot. I could see how he had moved on, how he had gotten himself a brand new life and it was pretty clear that there was no room in it for me. In a way I guess that even back then I could see that I was nothing but a burden to him even if he did try to pretend that he cared... and now because of Ethan I have another chance.

The truth is that even though I've never really thought of Giles as dad material before now, for two years he has been the one I turn to for safety, support and understanding... he's even kind of affectionate in that stuffy, British way of his. Like what happened this past summer while I was in LA. As far as I know my dad never even called my mom to ask why I wasn't with him --even though summers with daddy were supposed to be part of their custody agreement-- he never even learned that I had run away and he certainly did nothing to try and find me... Giles instead spent his whole summer chasing every single lead he could possibly find in an attempt to get me to come home. So I guess in the end when I stop trying to force things to be the way I expect them to be and I try to see them instead for what they are the answer is kind of obvious... besides, Faith is also right when she says that --unlike pretty much anyone else-- we can be pretty sure that Giles won't try to talk my mom out of having her here.

In a way I guess it's kind of weird but somehow --without me knowing it-- these past couple of years I seem to have grown myself a brand new family and even though it is not what most people would describe as 'normal', somehow it seems to work a lot better than the one I was born into. I have my mom and a new sort-of-dad, I've picked up a sister along the way and even a couple of wacky cousins in the Scoobies, so I guess in the end the question I really have to answer is not if I want my mom to get together with a guy other than my dad but rather if I want my mom to get together with the guy who has basically become my dad.

When I think of it like that it's not even a question.