For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter 27: Glimpses
(Giles's POV)
I'm watching Faith's reaction as we tell her the real reason behind our decision to get married in such a hurry. Her first reaction is utter shock until Buffy throws herself at her and hugs her... that seems to snap her out of it and after a few seconds I am treated to something I suddenly realize I have never seen before: Faith's smile. I had never even realized that it was something I was missing but the fact is that this is the first time I've ever seen her smile a truly genuine smile since I met her.
The good news is that going by both Buffy and Faith's reaction to our decision to adopt, I think I can safely assume that they are happy with the idea but the fact is that I still have a lot to think about... especially because it's suddenly hit me that there's no turning back now and my life will never be the same again. We may have taken this step to keep Faith safe from the Council but that doesn't take away from the huge responsibility we've taken on. For better or for worse I am about to become the father of a girl who has been badly damaged and it will be up to Joyce and me to try and repair as much of that damage as we possibly can. I wish I could say that it will be up to us to undo that damage, but the fact is that that is not really an option and we both know it.
I know that getting married was the right decision --I'm not questioning that-- but that knowledge does nothing to change the fact that I hadn't really given much thought to what this step would actually mean in terms of the girls... especially when it comes to Faith. The rational part of my mind knows some of what she's been through, but that doesn't mean I can understand it... in fact more often than not I refuse to see it. That's why her smile caught me so off guard, that's why it was an almost painful reminder. In a way seeing her smile like that was like getting a glimpse of the girl Faith could have been --the girl she should have been-- and realizing that that girl is a total stranger.
The thing is that I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the magnitude of the responsibility I've just taken on, even if the rational part of my brain knows that it is not really a new responsibility, that in one way or another I've been playing the part of her father from the day I first met Faith... and to a lesser extent the same goes for Buffy. The thought of deserting either one of them has never really crossed my mind but now I suddenly realize that that's no longer an option. It may not be quite official just yet but the fact is that I'm a father now and suddenly I'm being confronted with the realization that there is a very big difference between saying 'I love them as if they were my very own' to actually being their father.
Am I ready for this? I don't know, I never really pictured myself in this role before but I do know that if that brief glimpse I got of Faith's smile at the thought of being adopted was anything to go by, then that is not really the issue. The issue is that I most definitely want to do everything in my power to get to know the girl who is still hiding somewhere behind the brash facade and the wall of innuendo... of course, I'm not kidding myself, I am all too aware of the fact that getting to know her will be anything but easy. She's had sixteen years to build up her defenses and I'm not naive enough to believe that tearing those walls down is something that's going to be accomplished in a matter of days or even months.
It is hard to explain, I'm not sure I understand it myself but at times it feels almost as if my whole life were suddenly out of control and the truth is that even thinking about that terrifies me. Ever since the whole incident with Eyghon my life has been all about trying to stay in control, in control of my mind, my magic and my body... or at least it was until the day Buffy walked into the library and told me in no uncertain terms what I could do with my dusty old book about vampires.
From the moment I met her she seemed to be determined to turn my life upside down. She was everything I wasn't expecting and then --when Willow and Xander were added to the mix-- things slipped even further from my grasp. I remember how I fought that loss of control back in the beginning. It was hard, I won't deny that, but now it finally feels like things are where they were meant to be all along. I don't know what's going to happen, what tomorrow will bring, but there is a voice in the back of my mind telling me that we've just set something in motion --I don't know what-- and that that something is now beyond our control.
The thing is that back when I first met Buffy I hadn't really realized that the slayer is a girl. I knew it, of course, but I didn't really have a clue as to what that meant. As stupid as it sounds, there's nothing in the way the Council trains its watchers that even remotely prepares them to deal with a girl. For a watcher a slayer is not supposed to be a girl, she's not supposed to be a person, she is just a tool that is to be broken to the watcher's --and by extension the Council's-- will.
When I first met Buffy for me the slayer was a mystical warrior I had spent many years reading about, that part I could deal with, but a girl who insisted on dating and cheerleading? That was something I most definitely wasn't expecting and it certainly took some getting used to... and let's not get into the whole falling in love with a vampire cursed with a soul either, or the ensuing fiasco when said vampire lost his soul. The thing is that while I was ready to deal with the warrior I was in no way prepared for the realities of the girl behind the slayer and much less was I ready for the challenges we've had to face since Buffy ran away or with any of Faith's issues. None of those things were ever mentioned in the Watcher's manual... luckily.
I know the coming months are not going to be easy for any of us. There will be Buffy's Cruciamentum to deal with and probably a confrontation with the Council. That is something that is never far from my mind but I also know that that's in the future. Our most immediate concern has to do with Faith's adoption... and the fact that --even though she seems to be excited about the prospect right now-- the next couple of days probably won't be easy for her.
In order to make things legal we have to travel to Boston and I don't think she has realized just what that is going to mean. Whether she is ready or not she is going to have no choice but to come face to face with her mother and I'm more than a little worried as to how she's going to react to that. She's come a long way since she first arrived in Sunnydale, terrified after having seen her first watcher tortured and killed in front of her. She's getting used to actually having a family and going to school... in fact she's even gotten to the point where --even though it's been less than a month since she was admitted to school-- she's already managed to get her grades to a D average and that's remarkable considering the fact that she skipped a grade and it had been two years since she'd set foot in a classroom. In that regard things are progressing much better than I could have dared to hope for, so much so that I think by the end of the school year I may even have enough evidence to be able to 'talk' Snyder into allowing her to skip her junior year all together and graduate with her age group rather than a year behind.
Of course Faith's academic performance hasn't been the only pleasant surprise. She's also gotten better and more confident when it comes to her slaying and she's even starting to develop something that is edging closer to a friendship than a passing acquaintance with most of the Scoobies as Buffy tries to rebuild the bridges that were shattered when she ran away.
True, so far Faith hasn't made any real friends in her own class and that could become an issue next year when Buffy and the rest graduate and go off to college, but in a way that was almost to be expected, seeing how she is older than most of her classmates and children tend to be cruel... not to mention the fact that she has nothing in common with them. They are the sheltered offspring of fairly affluent, professional parents for the most part, Faith is a street urchin who is more familiar with what goes on in dark alleys than in trendy malls and that's a gap that neither they nor Faith are likely to be able to overcome any time soon.
On a personal level there are, of course, plenty of issues that remain unresolved, in fact most of them aren't just unresolved, they are also untouched, but the fact is that she has come a very long way and if nothing else at least I can say that now I'm confident that we will be able to overcome whatever her past throws at us... but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy, not by a long shot... and that brings me straight back to our most immediate challenge.
The thing is that even though Faith's been doing great lately and I don't want to do anything that could possibly compromise her progress, the next couple of days are going to be critical. In that regard I'm not sure whether or not she's really ready to do this, to face Cristina and her own past, but unfortunately I do know that we can't afford to wait.
