Because I forgot to in the first chapter, I don't own anything much less Crossing Jordan and it's characters..
It started out innocent enough. Cal wanted more freedom and I tried to give it to him, I only wanted to know generally where he was going and always made sure it was the right crowd he was hanging out with. When at 16 I should have been worrying about nothing more than who to ask to the junior prom and whether I'd pass my driver's license test I suddenly found myself the man of the house and I tried so hard. To be the man my father wanted me to be. To be the man my father was.
I couldn't go away to college, I had a brother to finish raising after all so I took classes at night at the community college and worked for the sheriff's department during the day as a patrol officer. By the time I became a deputy I had the badge, the gun and the sheriff's daughter on my arm to complete the picture. I was a deputy, following in my father's footsteps just seemed the logical choice. It was what Cal knew and I wanted him to feel safe again. As wrapped up in taking my father's place as I was I failed to realize that Cal was still lost himself, not knowing who or what was supposed to come of him. It was hard to notice at first, the charismatic little bullshitter, that's what my dad always called Cal. Where I wore my heart on my sleeve for the most part, Cal bottled his feelings, pretended like nothing was wrong. As much as I tried to write it off as growing pains, I didn't realize until it was too late that Cal was self-destructing inside.
I told Dr. Macy that I'd put it all behind me. But for as often as I've heard those words from Jordan I'm as sure now as I was every time the words were uttered from her mouth that I'm absolutely 100 percent full of it.
To this day I can't help but feeling responsible for what happened to Cal nor can I stop feeling that same responsibility for Sheriff Cody's refusal of my asking his permission to marry Annie. He said no daughter of his was going to marry a cop. What he really meant was she wasn't going to marry a guy who let his little brother turn into a junkie.
I've had a few times in my life where I've felt completely helpless but when I was knocked on my ass by a lethal dose of heroin was the first time I ever wished I could turn myself inside out and power wash my insides or completely transfuse my blood. There isn't anything I hate more in the world than drugs except for maybe child molesters and to know that my body had been poisoned by those awful, life destroying things made me want to scream.
I wanted to scream for not being able to stop what had happened to me and somewhere deep inside I wanted to scream for stupidly thinking that I could have saved Cal from the person he once was and I hoped he never would be again.But I couldn't save my brother. He turned into something I never imagined he'd be. Some….awful thing that happened to other families. Like the cancer I ignored in my mother or the facts I refused to see when the doctor told me my father was not going to live I waited until it was too late to confront Cal about his drug problem. He told me to back off, it wasn't a problem it just made him feel better. That wasn't good enough I told him. I lost my parents too and I haadn't used drugs to dull the pain. That's because you're better than me was all he had to say in his 18 year-old sarcasm.
I blew up then, demanding to know everything a….father wants to know. Why had he done it? Who had he gotten it from? Where on earth did he get the money when he didn't have a job? He was quiet for a long moment then and I saw the first hint of shame pass over his face since he'd been using. His college fund. The money my parents had saved for each of us from our first birthdays on.
I no longer felt sorry for him when I realized what he'd become. I was disgusted by him and I let him know as much. I couldn't even look at him so I pointed down the hallway towards his room and told him to get out of my sight. He yelled at me, telling me that I wasn't his father and it was his money to do with as he pleased. I screamed at him, telling him it was our parents' money as I got right in his face.
"Yeah? Well they're dead what are they going to do with it!" he screamed just as loudly back and without a second though I smacked him across the face so hard that it dropped him to the floor. This wasn't the brother I knew. He'd been replaced by some monster who cared about nothing but how and where he could get his next fix.
