A/N: Now, nobody loves the Myst games more than I do (except for those scary freaks who speak D'ni and can name every member of Atrus's extended family going back 17 generations. Ahem… er, no offence, guys.) But I can't help thinking that the series is long overdue for a full-scale scripted parody. Of course, one major obstacle to this is that the games have generally been, to put it mildly, a little short on dialogue. However, with the recent release of Myst IV: Revelation – the most (cough) 'character-focussed' Myst game ever – I finally felt able to rise to the challenge. And so, ladies and gentlemen, may I present what may well be the first ever Revelation parody: Myst IV: Satirization!
(OK… so I haven't actually written very much of it yet. But there'll be more soon, I promise…)
Dramatis Personae
THE STRANGER: A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Is the Stranger old, or young? Male, or female? Mute, or just extremely shy? We'll probably never know. (NB: for the purposes of this parody, it is assumed that the Stranger is actually capable of speech.)
ATRUS: A kindly but extraordinarily unlucky paterfamilias, with a habit of referring to people as 'My friend' even when he's known them for 20 years. Head of a family which lends a whole new meaning to the term 'dysfunctional' (to give you some idea, his father and two eldest children are currently imprisoned in books after trying to set themselves up as gods.)
YEESHA: Atrus's annoyingly precocious ten-year-old daughter. Has a curious speech impediment, possibly inherited from her mother Catherine, whose voice seems to alter beyond recognition every ten years or so.
ACHENAR: Atrus's eldest son. Hobbies: torturing people, destroying entire civilisations, cackling maniacally. But after 20 years of solitary confinement, might he have changed his ways?
SIRRUS: Atrus's younger son. Hobbies: amassing huge wealth, destroying entire civilisations, laughing evilly. But could he too have turned over a new leaf?
HIPPY WOMEN: New-Agey types who inhabit a place called (predictably) Serenia. Short on dress sense; even shorter on acting talent. However, you have to admire their ability to say lines like 'Your coming was foreseen' with a straight face.
NECKLACE OF EXPOSITION: A useful if implausible plot device, allowing the Stranger to find out what's been going on without (horror of horrors) having to talk to anyone.
Introduction
Scene 1
A room inside an ordinary house in some unspecified time and place. The STRANGER sits at a desk, reading a long letter from ATRUS.
ATRUS (voiceover): My friend –
STRANGER: Would it kill him to try and remember my name for once in his life? Sheesh, we've only known each other for two decades…
ATRUS (continues): Forgive me for not responding to your last letter sooner. The truth is, I have been much distracted of late.
As you know, twenty years ago you stumbled upon a Book I thought I had lost. A special 'Linking Book' that could transport whoever touched it to a peaceful island paradise called Myst. Myst had been my family's home for years – until my sons, Sirrus and Achenar, betrayed me.
The STRANGER stops reading and looks up in bewilderment.
STRANGER: Atrus, I know all this. Why are you bothering to tell me this?
He (or is it she?) resumes reading.
ATRUS (continues): I doubt I will ever know what caused my sons to become so greedy, but when my back was turned they used the other Linking Books I'd written and travelled to worlds more beautiful than Myst. They plundered and destroyed these innocent 'Ages'. Then they locked me in a place called D'ni to keep me from seeing what they'd done.
STRANGER: (Stops reading again) 'A place called D'ni?' Does he think I've suddenly developed amnesia or pre-senile dementia or something?
ATRUS (continues): Thankfully, you freed me from that prison and let me deal with my sons' treachery myself. Later, you helped me reunite with my wife Catherine, who –
STRANGER (exasperated): Oh, for God's sake. (Scans down to the last few paragraphs.)
ATRUS: I've often wondered if you thought I'd killed my sons when I burned up those two Books. But never once have I offered you the truth.
Come. Visit me in Tomahna right away. There is much that I have to tell you about my sons. Love, Atrus.
P.S. If you have the time, maybe you could pick up a few small items for me on your way? I've enclosed a list. Yours, A.
The STRANGER puts down the letter with a sigh.
STRANGER: So… Atrus has some big secret involving his two evil sons, and he wants me to come to Tomahna urgently. (Groans and lowers head onto desk.) Oh, no. Somehow I'm getting a very bad feeling about this…
