For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 30: Unbroken
(Joyce's POV)

I'm sitting next to Rupert on the plane as we head back home to Sunnydale and the truth is that these past couple of days have been kind of a blur. It seems so strange to think of the man sitting next to me as my husband and of the girls sitting on the other side of the aisle as my daughters - daughters, with an 's', as in two, plural- and yet I can't say that I have any regrets, especially not after meeting Faith's mother. That woman gave me a lot to think about as I try to imagine what the first fourteen years of Faith's life were like. One thing is for sure though: I can understand now why she decided to run away... in fact if anything I am having a hard time trying to figure out how she managed to survive in such an environment for so long.

I know Rupert had tried to warn me, seeing how he had met Cristina before, but that doesn't mean that I was in any way prepared for what she was like. It was also more than a little eerie to see Faith and Cristina together. They look so much alike that seeing them made me all that more determined to make sure that my Faith won't end up as her mother did... the problem is that we have a lot of damage to repair and it is not going to be easy. Faith has been shaped by her past and that past will always be with her, that's something I've known from the moment I met her but catching a glimpse of that past made it seem all that more real to me.

The fact is that even though the consequences of the sexual abuse she was subjected to as a child are the ones that are most obvious when it comes to Faith's day to day behavior, I am beginning to suspect that the scars she carries from the emotional abuse she endured may well be the deepest ones. What we saw of Cristina's attitude in the few minutes we were with her in that office is what Faith spent her early years with and -as much as I may want to deny it- that is bound to leave its mark.

We may have decided to adopt Faith to keep her safe from the Council but it is obvious that she is going to need a lot more than that if she is going to survive. There is so much that girl has to learn and so much she has to unlearn. She is doing better than she was when she first arrived, that much is obvious, but the path she has ahead of her won't be an easy one. She is not -and probably will never be- a 'good girl' but she is far from the wild creature we first met. The problem is that while now that I've met her mother I can understand her a lot better than I used to, I am also having a harder time trying not to pity her. I know that's not what she needs and I know that's not what she wants but my heart is just not listening.

The thing is that while Faith was hurt by her mother and her mother's boyfriends I am the one who runs the risk of turning her into a victim now and that is the last thing she needs.

I knew some things about Faith's past, obviously, but that did nothing to lessen the shock of actually meeting her mother. The fact is that even though I knew what Rupert had told me and I had seen enough of Faith's behavior -and unfortunately overheard enough of some of her talks with Buffy- to get a general idea, at the same time it wasn't something that felt all that real to me. I could not imagine a mother hating her own child enough to say the words that came out of Cristina's mouth in that office, in front of strangers. That was probably the thing that shocked me the most.

For months now I've been regretting the words I said to Buffy before she went off to face Angelus, when I first discovered that she is a slayer. I'm not saying that I'm ready to forgive myself for what I did -far from it- but the truth is that hearing what Faith's mother had to say did give me an odd sense of perspective. Faith lived through hell and against all odds she managed to survive. She is not undamaged but she is unbroken and under the circumstances that is the most we could honestly have hoped for. The problem is that, as much as it pains me to admit it, I know she is not out of the woods just yet... in fact she may well be in more danger now than she has ever been before, and I'm not even thinking of the slayer thing.

She had a life that -while far from pleasant- she was familiar with, a life in which she knew what to expect, how to act and how to react. It wasn't a life that was going to get her anywhere, in fact it was a life that had her on the fast track to nowhere, but it was hers. The problem is that these past few weeks she has found herself being forced into a lifestyle she has no idea of how to handle, I can see that now... and even though things are better for her this way, it's still been a major adjustment for her, one I have no doubt she is still struggling with. There have been some signs of that, though she has done her best to try and fit in.

I think the most telling incident came when she pushed to get me to change the house rules. That was most definitely an unwelcomed reminder of everything she's lived through but maybe it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. I may have a hard time trying to come to terms with Faith's overt sexuality but the truth is that -no matter how much I may wish I could- I can't change her past and that means that I have to come to terms with it, because in the end I am the one with a problem here... even if my problem is a socially acceptable one. Faith's past -and Buffy's- may bother me but I can't afford to taint Faith with my sense of shame or decency. That would be devastating for her.

I think that's why Rupert said that maybe I should yield to the rules change. It may not be the way in which we would like things to be but it is important for Faith to see that we accept her for who she is and not for who we would like her to be.

Even though I know that deep down Faith is a sweet girl -though she would most certainly object to being described as such- she is also a slayer and a former child-prostitute and there is no point in trying to deny that. Her view of the world has been shaped by experiences I can't even begin to comprehend, by a mother who hated her and an environment that was totally devoid of anything that could possibly be described as a safe place or a positive influence. That is the reality I have to face... whether I like it or not.

I still remember how Rupert said the librarian in Faith's old school had described her: as a quiet and shy girl who used to spend as much time as she possibly could in the library, not so much because she wanted to learn or better herself but rather because she just didn't want to have to go home.

At first I had a hard time trying to reconcile that description with the girl I had just met, but now it's starting to make sense. I've gotten to know her a little better since then and that description took on a whole new meaning after having had a chance to see Faith with her mother. I realize now that helping her turn her life around is going to be a daunting task but failure is not an option here. Faith deserves to have a chance, not a second chance but a first one, because the truth is that she never had one before, not really... and I know that, as much as it pains me, she may not even get that much.

That is the one thing Rupert and I rarely -if ever- dare to mention, even though we are both well aware of it: life expectancy for a slayer has a very different meaning than it does for the general population. It is true that up until recently my concern applied mostly to Buffy but that has changed. We have two daughters and we are both determined to do whatever it takes to keep them safe, that's what brought us to this point, that's what caused us to decide to get married in the first place.

The problem is that while it is true that both Buffy and Faith's chances are a lot better now that they are together, the fact remains that the odds are still stacked against them. In the end they are just two girls whose destiny is to fight thousands upon thousands of vampires and demons. Sure, they are not alone, they have each other and they have friends who are willing to fight and even die by their side, but they are still vastly outnumbered... and if Rupert's words and veiled warnings are anything to go by, then things are bound to get even worse when the very organization that was meant to support them is added to their already long list of dangerous enemies.

I know things are bad and they are likely to get even worse, I know they are in danger, I know that -because of who and what they are- they will always be in danger but that doesn't mean that I'm going to resign myself to the idea of losing them and it doesn't mean that I'm going to give them up without a fight. They are my daughters -daughters, with an 's', as in two, plural- and I know I wouldn't trade them for the world.