For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 35: Moving Forward Back
(Giles's POV)

If I was feeling guilty before about putting her through the Cruciamentum, it has suddenly gotten worse. Buffy is all but begging me to take her to the ice show now that Hank has cancelled and that has brought my betrayal a lot closer to home. I'm trying to get her to concentrate, to focus on the crystals, on anything but what's going on around her but it's not really working, not this time around.

I know what I have to do, it's not like I have much of a choice, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. After a couple of minutes the crystal finally does what it's supposed to do and trying to push my feelings aside I inject her with the serum. I never fully realized how difficult putting her through this was going to be, but now it's almost over. That's what I keep telling myself, those are the words I keep repeating almost like a mantra but somehow they are not doing their job... probably because I know this is not the end, it's just the beginning.


A few hours later Buffy comes rushing back, utterly terrified because Cordelia of all people rescued her from a confrontation with one of the boys in the... well I don't know the what. Buffy would say he was a member of the football team, but I have a few choice words to say about that. She is so upset that for once I decide to avoid getting into an argument over the name of that blasted bastardized form of rugby she insists on calling football and I settle for trying to offer her some comfort, for telling her that it's going to be fine, that she will soon be back to being herself and that we will get to the bottom of this. I hate having to lie to her, I hate having to cause her this pain but with Travers in town I know better than to take any chances.

I'm going to try to appeal the test one last time, it's the only thing I can do. I just can't go on like this but at the same time I know I don't have a choice, not really. The thing is that that appeal is my last ditch attempt to put an end to this... and not just for Buffy's sake. It is a twisted game we are playing, I can't help but notice that. The Council is testing Buffy and at the same time I am testing the Council, their humanity, and so far I've found them lacking in that regard... not that that has been a particularly surprising revelation.

The Cruciamentum is one of the unquestionable traditions the Council abides by and the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that it is nothing but a symptom of how they put themselves above the fight they are sworn to fight... above the slayer they are supposed to serve. The Council has remained unchanged and unchallenged for far too long. For too many centuries there has been no one there in a position to challenge them and that has led to the perversion of the fight against the forces of darkness... a perversion that must be stopped somehow.

The thing is that I have a meeting with Travers after school hours. I'm not particularly hopeful but I still have a part to play... and a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, a direct confrontation can be avoided.

For the time being though Buffy is my top priority and I ask Faith to stay particularly close to her, warning her that Buffy is not feeling well and that she has to be particularly careful because for the time being Buffy is in no shape to back her up.

I can see that she is confused, nothing like this has ever happened before obviouslyand she is not entirely sure of what to do or how to handle it. That is an unexpected obstacle. I had never realized that while Faith is an incredibly effective slayer, she is more than a little insecure when it comes to being the slayer. In a way it is a situation I should have anticipated. Shortly after she was called she saw her watcher being tortured and killed before her eyes and after that she came to Sunnydale where she took on the role of Buffy's partner and backup. Unfortunately the fact that for so long she has taken on the role of Buffy's backup means that she is not particularly comfortable with taking the lead and that is what she's going to have to do now.


My meeting with Travers goes about as well as I had expected it to. It takes all of my self-control not to beat him to a bloody pulp but somehow I manage to pull it off, to keep him from seeing how much I despise him. I'm just arriving back to the familiar sanctuary of the library when Buffy comes in once more, demanding answers and I can see that the current situation is having a far greater impact on her than I could possibly have anticipated.

For years now I've seen her fighting to escape her destiny with everything she has only now she suddenly seems to be terrified at the thought of having that destiny taken from her. For years she's been craving a chance to just go back to being a normal girl only now that her wish has been granted, even if I know it's only temporarily, she is not coping well. Well, maybe some good will come out of this in the end. I hate putting her through this and yet I can't help but think that maybe, with a little luck, this incident will serve to finally help her come to terms with her own destiny. That is one difference between Buffy and Faith.

From the very beginning Faith has embraced her destiny as a slayer but Buffy has always seen it almost as a curse... which in a way it probably is.

Well, it's getting late and I must meet Travers again. The time has come and within a couple of hours it will hopefully be over. Buffy and Faith are ready and there's nothing left for me to do but wait.


As I walk into the abandoned boarding house where the test is to take place I immediately realize that something is not right and the blood on the banister only confirms what my instincts are telling me. Kralik has managed to break free and the whole situation is now more desperate than any of us could possibly have anticipated.

As I get into my car my only thought is to find my slayers and figure out a way to put an end to this.

I'm driving down the street when I run into a desperate looking Buffy. I can't believe she is out, she says she needed time to think about everything that's been happening to her lately, something I immediately identify as a euphemism to refer to her sudden weakness. I can believe she took such a stupid chance and I can barely keep myself from shaking her... hard. I know she's used to being out alone at night, I know she finds it soothing. By nature a slayer is a nocturnal creature but right now she's not herself and she really should have had more sense than to take such an idiotic risk.

I drive her back to the library... knowing better than to take her home, seeing how no one is supposed to know of my connection with Joyce, not yet, and once we reach the library I call Faith and ask her to join us. I know the time has come for me to come clean, to tell the girls what's been going on and I know they won't be happy about it... and, for an entirely different reason, neither will Travers but that doesn't matter. Kralik is free, he is on the loose somewhere out in Sunnydale and I can't afford to keep up the charade any longer.


I can see how upset Buffy really is as we wait for Faith to join us. Even when she was on her own living in LA she knew she was safe... at least up to a point. Even then, no matter how desperate her situation was, she knew that no matter what happened she could always rely on her strength. Sure, being a slayer did nothing to keep her from being blackmailed but even then she knew she had a plan B, something that would keep things from ever getting too out of hand, only now that security blanket, the one that enabled her to endure all that in the first place, has been taken from her and she is not sure of how to cope... and now the time has come for me to admit to my role on that. I wonder if she'll ever forgive me, if I'll ever be able to explain. I hope so, but I know that even on a best case scenario it will take a while for her to come to terms with my betrayal.

I'm brought out of my reverie by Faith storming into the library.

I look at my girls and with a deep sigh I confess. I tell them everything, of my betrayal and Kralik's escape and when I'm done I'm taken aback by the hatred I can see in Buffy's eyes as Faith gently places and arm around her shoulders and leads her sister home.