Chapter thirteen

The first few weeks of school were busy for me. My classes were difficult and I had a pile of homework almost every night. Ponyboy was almost as busy as me, and Darry kept close attention to our schoolwork. Others in the gang didn't bother with their assignments because they were still enjoying the ceasing summer days. Not me though, I took school seriously and I wasn't going to let anything run my chances of a scholarship!

One Friday, late in September the weather had been chilly and rainy so when night fell and the drops still continued the gang gathered in the living room at my house. After hours of loud music the radio was turned down, the poker cards were put away and the boys started up a bull session talking about everything that mattered to them…cars, crimes and girls.

Casey and I sat up against the fireplace listening to the boys and laughing at their tales and lies. Darry was working and Ponyboy and Johnny sat at the dining room table, staying clear of being involved in any conversation other then their own. Soda and Steve were cuddling on the couch with their girlfriends while Dally and Two-Bit sat in mom and dad's chairs. This weekend was the last one of freedom for Dally for awhile. He was set to go to court on Monday and we all knew he would be headed to the slammer.

"Oh! I got one!" Two-Bit was still laughing from the wild story Soda had told. "Ok, how old were you when you lost your virginity and where were you?"

The room laughed together as Dally spoke up first. "I was fifteen and it was in your backyard!" Dally pointed at Sodapop and took a cool drag on his cigarette.

"No way!" Soda laughed, "with who?"

"Nah ah! Two-Bit didn't say we had to say with who!" Dally gave my brother a cocky stare as Steve interrupted.

"Fifteen huh? That sounds kind of old for you."

"What can I say, I was a late bloomer." Dally threw his hands out demanding an answer out of Steve. "How old were you?"

"Sixteen," Steve said, "and I aint saying where," and he gestured at Evie. It became quite obvious that it wasn't with her. I don't think she cared though because she piped up too.

"Well I was seventeen and I was no where near you when it happened." Then she poked Steve in the chest. "How 'bout you Sandy was Sodapop the lucky man?"

Sandy face grew flush. "I am gonna keep my mouth shut about it." The crowd booed and Sandy insisted, "it's none of yous business!"

Soda quickly spoke up with pride. "Well … I was sixteen, in my bedroom, and my parents were home!" Soda boasted and looked at his girlfriend with a cocky grin. "and I know your first time wasn't far from me!"

I noticed Evie and Sandy exchange a nervous glance behind Sodapop's back.

"Ohhhhh! You are so busted Sandy!" Two-Bit laughed as he chugged his beer and popped the top off a fresh one. "Sixteen seems to be a common age around here, but I have to join the ranks of ole Dally because I was fifteen." The crowd yelled out disagreements and Soda made a point in telling Two-Bit he was full of crap and still a virgin. "No … no, seriously I was sixteen and the woman was like forty or something!"

"Ewe gross!" Casey yelled out and made a crinkled up face.

"No way Caseycakes," Two-Bit leaned forward in his chair. "It was awesome! She was…um… ya'll remember Dick Paller's mom? It was her!"

Dally about choked on the beer he was trying to swallow. Through gags he managed to choke out. "You did it with Paller's mom? …. I did it with Paller's mom!" The room busted out laughing and I thought about the woman who used to live across the street. She was rarely dressed appropriately and her son Dick was in reformatory school more days than he was ever home. I figured she must have been awful lonely to do it with Dally and Two-Bit, at separate times of course.

"So how 'bout you country girl?" Two-Bit called out to Casey. "I bet you did it in the barn somewhere, didn't ya." Two-Bit pried and I think he was hoping for a juicy tale he could keep with him.

Casey proudly boasted with a drawl. "I was probably the youngest of ya'll! It was on my fifteenth birthday and in this guy's tree fort back home!"

"Nice!" Dally hissed with amusement. "Ya know I might be building a tree fort myself!" The group grumbled at Dally for his poor pick up line, which I am sure worked for Casey. She definitely loved boys. Dally cocked his head. "Fifteenth birthday, you probably take the prize for being the youngest."

"No she doesn't!" I said absent mindedly as I was lost in the fun of the conversation and thrilled it was one I could actually participate in. "I was fourteen." I smiled proud, because everyone else had their moment to be proud for their accomplishment, but I looked around the room and noticed I was the only one smiling. The room had fell deathly quiet.

I looked at the faces in the room that sat there with shock in their expressions and I felt like gulping hard till Casey yelled out! "Alright Scout! Who was it? Was it Danny from the rodeo?"

Before Casey could babble on Soda was off the couch and on his feet glaring down at me. "What the hell are you talking about Scout?"

His angry expression put me on the defense. "What? It's no big deal, you all have done it too!" I played dumb and continued to smile looking around the room for anyone else to back me up. That's what bull session are for, right?

"Please tell me you are lying … you better be lying!" Soda's face had lost all of it's humor. As I shook my head no as he yelled at me. "What the hell were you thinking?"

I stood up to challenge my brother and sassed back. "What? No one in the room had a problem with Two-Bit or Dally or even Casey losing their virginity young. Why are you jumping on my case?"

"Because you are only fourteen and you have a future, that's why!" Soda was yelling and frustrated. "You were going to grow up to be someone!" My mouth dropped at the comment as Sodapop continued to rant. "No one else in the room has the potential of making something out of themselves other than you and Ponyboy! What if you had gotten pregnant? What if you are pregnant? What would you do then? Huh? I can't believe you would be so stupid! I thought you were smarter than that Scout! Fourteen is too young!"

"Yeah I am young! I realize that, but what you don't realize is that everything in my life is ahead of me in age. My friends are all older than me, I am in classes with kids who are in their senior year in high school and I am going to mature at a different rate then you! I have too!"

"What the hell do you think mom and dad would say?" Sodapop asked the question as if my parents were still alive.

I fumed and rambled on in anger, "I'll tell you what! If they were here none of this would have happened. If they were here I could still be the quiet shy girl I always was. Now that they are gone everyone keeps telling me to grow up, to change and be someone different. So I did and all anyone wants now is for me to go back to being exactly who I wanted to be from the beginning. For some reason that shy little girl wasn't good enough for any of you!" I screamed and tears began to build up in my eyes as my throat tightened. I thought about all the preaching he and Two-Bit had been doing for me to lighten up and take risks. "Besides all I was doing was exactly what you and Two-Bit have been telling me to do." I mocked their voices. "Lighten up Sissy! Get crazy Sissy, take some risks!"

"We never said to throw yourself at a boy, never!" Tossing the reason for my behavior back onto Sodapop made him even angrier. In seconds he was so frustrated and angry that he couldn't stand to look at me any longer. "Go to your room!"

I placed my hands on my hips and laughed defiantly, tears streaming down my face. "Why should I? You're not the boss of me!"

Soda started to pace the way he does when he is frustrated and ready to lose control. "Because I said so and when Darry isn't around this house I am the boss of you!"

"Scout, just listen to him." Ponyboy irritated me by sticking up for Soda's irrational decision.

"Why?" I turned around to challenged Pony but Soda jumped in to the conversation before Pony could speak.

"Because if you don't I am going to tell Darry and then you will have to deal with him!"

I laughed off the threat and got snotty. "Who cares if you tell Darry?" I looked around the room and knew Darry wouldn't find out. "Doesn't matter if you do cause big mouth Two-Bit will blurt it out anyway!"

"Who you calling big mouth?" Two-Bit challenged.

I looked at him as he stood up to defend his reputation. That was the last straw for me. Getting into a rational conversation with Two-Bit and Sodapop was an improbability so I just yelled out in anger instead. "Why don't ya'll just go to hell?" I turned and stomped down the hall to my room. Outside my door I pulled off my socks and threw them into my room. Then I reached in from the hallway and slammed my bedroom door shut.

Quietly I tiptoed out the back door, where the rain has ceased, and sat on the damp back steps. I didn't know what I was going to do outside, all I knew was that I wasn't going to follow Soda's directions! No sir-re-bub! I took a few deep breaths to calm down and dried my eyes. I hated fighting with Sodapop. I rarely ever did, till mom and dad died.

About the time I calmed down I noticed Casey walking alone in the dark. I thought about calling to her, but I knew she would be loud and give me away. So from the cover of darkness I watched her walk into her house. When I knew she was safely inside I walked slowly through the long wet grass to the front of our house. The living room windows were open and I wanted to hear what the gang was talking about.

Just as I came to the front corner of the porch Sodapop came storming out of the house in his socks, with a lit cigarette in his hand. I didn't want him to see me so I pressed my body against the side of the porch. The first thought that crossed my mind, as he threw his arms over the top bar of the fence, was how he could stand to be outside getting his socks wet? I hadn't considered just how devastating the news had been to him.

I peeked around the corner at my brother who was staring at nothing particular. Before I could decide if I should talk to him or not Sandy came out on the front porch. "Soda… honey, come on back inside."

"No." Soda said defiantly and took a long drag on his cigarette.

Sandy came down the porch steps and slowly strolled across the grass to my brother's side. "It's really not that big of a deal."

"How can you say that?" Soda turned to look at her and I could see the disappointment and tears on his face. "It is a big deal. She should have waited until she was married. Now what is a classy guy going to think about her?" I realized Soda didn't ever see me ending up with a guy like himself, or anyone else in the gang.

Sandy pulled back a little in disgust. "Sodapop Patrick! I am someone's little sister too! Why is it ok for me to sleep with you but it's not ok for Scout to do the same thing?"

Soda looked directly at Sandy. "But it's not the same thing! I…it's different with me and you." Soda tossed his cigarette butt out into the street to free up his hands to hold Sandy's. "I… Sandy, I love you."

My eyes about popped out of my head when I heard him say those words to her. I think Sandy had a look of shock run across her face as she stood there speechless. Sodapop didn't notice her alarm and his grin was wide and sincere. "I've been in love with you for a long time. I should have said it sooner, but I … I just didn't."

Sandy finally spoke. "Wow Soda… I … I don't know what to say." Her smile grew to meet my brother's smile. "I love you too." The two of them shared a kiss and Sodapop held his girl close. I envied them.

Not wanting to get caught outside of my room I quietly tiptoed through the grass to the back porch. I silently walked in the backdoor and down the hall to my room where I found the door open an inch or two. I pushed it open further and found Ponyboy sitting inside.

"I thought you were grounded." Ponyboy was waiting on my bed with his elbows on his knees.

"Yeah, well I was getting some fresh air first." I was a little miffed at Pony for not sticking up for me. So miffed that I forgot all about Soda and Sandy proclaiming their love for each other in the front yard. I looked down at my brother. "What do you want?"

"Nothing," Ponyboy stood up and rested his hands on his hips. "I just came back here to make sure you were ok. You don't have to get snotty with me!"

"If you go away, I won't." I was snotty back even though I didn't mean to be.

My brother hitched his thumbs into his belt loops. "What is your problem Scout? You haven't been acting like yourself in a long time."

I blinked and thought about his words. If I was myself how could I not be acting like myself? I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I'll tell you Pony! All I have been hearing since mom and dad died is how I should loosen up and have some fun. No one wants me to be myself anymore! No one except me." I sat down on my bed and slouched, staring at the floor.

"That's not true! I never told you to change!" Ponyboy sat back down on the bed and I joined him. "Johnny and I aint got no problem with you being you."

I hung my head in disappointment. "I know, but for some reason I didn't realize that." Tears began to form in my eyes as I thought again about my error in good judgment. "I mean, I like Casey and all, but she is wilder than I am and I just thought maybe that was who I should be. And Two-Bit is always telling me to get some kicks and do something wild." Ponyboy threw his arm around my shoulder and comforted me. "I don't know why I did it Pon ... I was just confused and lost." Pony didn't say anything, he just rubbed my arm so I babbled on. "You know what bothers me the most? It aint that Soda thinks I'm a tramp or that Darry is going to skin me. It's that I probably made mom and dad roll over in their graves. Ya know?"

I looked up at Ponyboy who was staring off in thought when he spoke quietly. "Yeah, I would imagine they did."

"I miss them so much Pony…." I cried a little harder. "I'm so lost without them."

"Yeah well you aint alone Scout." Ponyboy sniffled hard. "You aint alone."

Ponyboy sat there and held me until I was sleepy from all the tears. The whole time we sat in silence and all I could think about was what I had done. It was completely irreversible and completely regrettable. Only now did I understand the complexity of the situation and the grief and confusion of my brother Sodapop.