Disclaimer: Fairly Oddparents is not mine. If it were, I'd make sure it was back on at seven o'clock. This vexes the fae.

Chapter Eight: Excruciating

I sit, glaring at the wall sullenly. In the far back of my mind, I can hear what sounds like someone hissing. I ignore it, since I'm far too angry at something else to bother with the nonsense on the street.

Vicky bustles around the kitchen and prepares me some tea. However, there's a nasty smile on her face that I don't like and a peculiar look in her eyes to boot. I don't know what she's up to, but I bet it's nothing good. It didn't take her long to take advantage of me, did it?

"There aren't any pink and green tea pots," She cackles and I jump suddenly. What on earth did she mean by that crack? Why does she keep turning her head to look at me and the table and then turn away, frowning?

I wonder where Cosmo and Wanda are, although, with the way she's looking, I hope they're far from here. Maybe they're patching up whatever keeps bothering them, I don't know. I don't want them to be cold to each other; they're like my real parents, only fairies. (Sometimes I think I prefer them to my biological ones).

Slowly, she places my teacup in front of me and slides her finger delicately along my chin. I swallow hard, ignoring her flirtation and take a sip of the tea. It's rather strong, but, then again, you have to take in account the person that made it.

There's another surprise when I look at the contents, though. The cup itself is pink (but not Wanda) and the tea's green. She's definitely hinting, but I hope she hasn't the faintest clue what she's discovered. If she finds out my secret, my life as I know it is over…

"Do you remember what happened to those pink and green fish you had when you were twelve?" She starts, smirking at the addition of a pink magnet on the fridge. My eyes follow hers- Wanda. Why on earth does she keep popping up unannounced? It's like she's taken a vested interest in Vicky.

"Yeah…you flushed 'em and I got new ones," I fib easily, my eyes still focused on Wanda. She doesn't even look at me.

Lying has become a honed skill, unfortunately. It's the only thing I can do to prevent my eventual exposure. Then again, with Wanda creeping about, I wonder if she wants to be discovered.

"Did you?" She asks and I frown. What, suddenly she's not buying it? C'mon, Vicky isn't that smart. I've outsmarted her more times than I can recall. If I say I got new fish, she shouldn't question me.

"New fish that look exactly like your old ones? What about your pink and green skating equipment? Cats? Dogs? Shoes? Anything, you name it, you have it and it's pink and green. But you never see your pink and green dogs with your pink and green cats or your pink and green fish with anything else. Can you tell me why?" She snarls and I turn completely white. As a magnet, Wanda's coloration grows increasingly pale. She slides down the surface.

"Maybe because I'm renting them out?" I snap back, rising to my feet. Maybe if I distract her with something else, she'll get off this train of thought. The horrible thing is- if Vicky discovers Cosmo and Wanda, she might be able to get away with Jorgen not finding out about them. She could blackmail me, but make life miserable for my godparents.

"To who?" She growls, sliding her face right up to mine. "Tootie?"

There's a bang behind us and, fortunately, I discover that someone else has entered the house. Then again, that's where my relief ends. Tootie looks like she's going to murder someone.

Her hair's all disheveled, her eyes are wild and darting all over the place, and her fists are trembling in rage. I don't know who I'd like to deal with less right now- her or her sister. Both choices don't seem terribly pleasant.

"You!" Tootie growls, running across the room and flinging herself on Vicky. Within a few seconds, I can see that, unless I do something, she's going to kill her. Although Vicky could hardly be called unable to defend herself, Tootie's unpredictable, wild, even. As a matter of fact, her hands keep creeping towards her neck as though she'd like to strangle her.

I knew that Tootie and Vicky hated each other, but I didn't think it was this bad. Plus, what could have made Tootie react like this? She's yelling things, but none of them make any sense at all.

"Harlot!" Tootie screeches, yanking on that luxurious red hair and pulling it out by the roots. Wait, did I just call Vicky's hair luxurious? Great, just great. That's one more thing I need to worry about, being attracted to Vicky.

"You took Timmy!" There's a hint of hysteria in her voice as she slams Vicky's head down onto the carpet. At least it's a carpet…I guess. If it were the kitchen, that would hurt a lot more, but she tackled her backwards (she came in from the kitchen).

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but if you don't get your hands off me right now, I'll make you wish you were never born!" Vicky screams, spitting in her face and headbutting her. Tootie reels back and her sister grabs her about the midriff, slamming her down as hard as she can onto the tiles in the kitchen.

The pink magnet has become a dog and it growls at Vicky. I realize now why, though- Tootie's bleeding from the back of the head. They're not aiming to stun, they're aiming to really hurt each other.

The thought occurs to me that maybe I ought to, you know, get involved. As hot as two girls fighting over me is (and as tempting as it is to just let them go at it as I sit back and watch), this is Vicky and Tootie we're talking about. Tootie, who doesn't really have a mean bone in her body and Vicky, whose body is entirely composed of mean bones. If I leave them like this, sooner or later we're bound to have a rather unpleasant outcome.

Not to mention the fact Wanda's growling at me. I take it by the look she has and the amount of cowering Cosmo's doing that the object of her anger shifted from Vicky to me in less time than it takes to say "I wish". What does she want me to do about this? Possibly get mauled by two homicidal girls bent on destroying each other to get my love? Man, that's so cool.

My lack of action, however, causes Wanda to jump into the foray herself. I can see the glazed expression on Cosmo's face- for him; the fight probably just jumped a notch on the hotness scale. I'm too busy looking at Vicky to really notice, though. I didn't realize it before, but when she's standing there, her chest heaving with exertion, her long red hair, dripping with sweat and dangling down her shoulders, she's actually really attractive. My heart skips a beat and I curse myself and, in that curse, my hormones as well. They've betrayed me again.

She smirks as she catches my gaze. Beckoning me with her eyes, she casually shoves Tootie away. We both know I'm only looking at her.

Interrupting my possibly hormone charged thoughts, Wanda growls, her pink eyes flashing dangerously. In the years when we ignored what she said and did whatever we wanted, she'd gotten a little more, er, physical with us. Of course, I know she'd never raise a hand to me, but that doesn't mean I'm let off the hook. Take right now, for instance. I think she'd sooner reveal herself to Vicky than let her murder her younger sister.

"Are you going to say something or just going to stand there with your mouth agape?" She barks, or, to any other human, what resembles a bark. Cosmo, still a magnet on the fridge, whimpers fearfully. Wanda angry is not a sight for the faint at heart.

Tootie, catching her breath, eyes her sister furiously. Her fists tremble to strike, but she sports a nasty bruise on both eyes. In a few minutes, they'll swell shut. Maybe she's got a point about my stepping in.

I wonder what made Tootie run in half-cocked, anyway. At any rate, I guess I'd better stop them unless I can get them to mud wrestle naked…er, never mind. I'll just stop them.

Before Tootie can swing (and Vicky can deliver a sweeping kick that knocks her off her feet), I jump in between them. Unfortunately, Tootie doesn't see me, the object of her rage being her sister, and accidentally socks me in the cheek. Although I'll never admit it to her, that girl can pack a punch. Maybe I shouldn't interrupt…

Oh, but Wanda's growling at me again. I guess she's figured out where my train of thought lies. She's awfully good at that.

"Timmy!" Tootie cries, broken out of her trance and none too soon. She rushes to me, to presumably cradle me, but I jump back. I'm only stopping a fight, nothing else. I'm not entirely sure what she's thinking (or if I want to know, for that matter), but she can leave me out of it.

"What do you think you're doing?" Vicky screeches, raising a fist to her younger sister. Quickly, I snatch the fist and hold it in my palm. I try to ignore the blood smearing; it'd be better for all of us if we could pretend she hadn't cut her lip.

Wanda growls again, but it's not at any of us. It's at Cosmo, who reluctantly disappears from the fridge unnoticed and turns into a dog at her side. All these mood shifts of hers have to be scaring the crap out of him. I'd help, but I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do. Besides, my own love life needs more attention than theirs right now.

"Protecting Timmy!" Tootie exclaims, always in those exclamation points. One of these days, she'll stop eating so much sugar. I swear…

Then again, maybe it isn't the sugar this time. Maybe it's the fact that she's so worked up about her sister and she can barely see straight. Come to think of it, that makes more sense.

"From who? You?" Vicky spits acidly, placing a hand on her well formed hip. Oy, why am I thinking this at a time like this? I wasn't even hit and I think I have a head injury.

"No, from the biggest pedophile in the history of Dimmsdale!" She snaps back and, out of the corner of my eye, Vicky pales. So she's figured out her secret; that would explain her behavior. However, she still attempts to uphold her façade, however feeble that is now.

"The pot calling the kettle black!" She snaps back, probably realizing the instant she said it how little sense it actually makes.

"Yeah, well, Timmy isn't six years younger than me. If you have sex with him, it's statutory rape, you know that?" Tootie hisses and, given the rapid color fleeing her sister's face, I get the impression she knows quite well. For the moment, she's been rendered silent.

And I just noticed I'm still holding her fist. Well, I'm actually facing Tootie and holding her fist, but the point's valid. Why on earth am I doing this, anyway? Maybe I should let go soon.

"Maybe we ought to talk about the pink and green items the twerp always has around him instead?" Vicky growls, changing the subject to one that causes me to pale. Tootie blinks, her eyes on Wanda. This time, she shakes her head vehemently. So Tootie does remember my godparents.

"Are you and Turner in cahoots?" She hisses, throwing my palm back and flinging me casually into Tootie. As the raven-haired girl's eyes are on my godparents, she catches me innately, barely responding.

You know, for a girl that just confessed her love for me, you'd think she'd be nicer. Or…not onto my secret.

Behind me, Tootie whimpers and, in unison, Cosmo and Wanda tear up the stairs and hide. I feel kind of bad for them, but not bad enough to pursue it. There are worse troubles.

"What's the matter, Turner, tongue-tied?"

I stare blankly at the wall. She knows I am. And she also might know something else, too.

Breaking away from Tootie, I dash up the stairs in Cosmo and Wanda's wake and shut the door, locking it about ten times. I'm safe in there, I think. Then again, safety's in the eye of the beholder, for, the moment I sit down and glance over at my befuddled fish, the door starts to splinter. I've never been in direr straits in my life.

A screech from the fishbowl, "No, Vicky, stop!"

Will Cosmo and Wanda be found out? Will Tootie try to rip Vicky's throat out? Can Vicky ever regain the upper hand? Find out in the next chapter! (Yes, I am a bitch.)