TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: With all the craziness in an episode of Queer Eye, I have been inspired to answer my own question, "What if Horatio had the makeover?"… So bear with me, it's all craziness here. All stuff here are basically the stuff suggested by my friends who'd love to see Horatio do this, have that, and wear such. All QE info are provided by my close friend, Shanie, so if proven erroneous, just tell me, and I apologize in advance. Plus, I'm a H/C shipper, so there's shippiness ahead. You have been warned! Ciao and enjoy!

Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

Chapter One: Meet the Fab Five!

The blonde haired guy positioned in the passenger seat flipped a portion of his bangs away from his eyes. "So who's our next victim?" he asked.

A geeky looking guy right behind him replied, "Victim should not be used to describe our next guy…" His roughly handsome friend beside him agreed. "His name is Horatio Caine… Lieutenant Horatio Caine…"

"Oh… I like men with add-ons on their names…" a guy with Latin looks commented.

"He's the day shift supervisor of the Day Shift Miami Dade Police Department Crime Lab… Whew… That was pretty long…" Carson Kressley, the blonde haired guy said. "He has a serious look on his face… Is that natural?" the driver asked. "It must come with the job… He's in charge of one of the premiere crime labs here in the U S of A. And…."

"And he and his team mates are planning a birthday bash for one of their own… Cal-leigh… Du… Kuesne?" the geeky guy, Ted Allen, said, with much effort on the name.

"I think it's pronounced as Calie Du-caine Oh! Look at the two guys!" the Latin Jai Rodriguez, remarked while pointing at Tim and Eric. "Hahaha, smarty pants… Eh, you're right! Look- worthy…" the driver, Thom Filicia remarked. "So what's our mission?" Kyan Douglas, Ted's seatmate asked.

"We need to get our Lieutenant revved up for this party. Everything, from his looks, the attitude, the food and the crib…" Carson declared. "That's why were here!" Kyan said.

"I don't know… I'm getting the feeling this guy needs only minor help…" Ted said

Cue in the music

dingdong

Horatio sighed and braced himself. He knew that the people who rang the doorbell would be the Fab Five. "Breathe Horatio… You can go through this." He thought to himself.

He opened the door and Carson came in. "Hello there… I assume you are Horatio wha!?" Carson grabbed his shirt and acted like he had a heart attack. When the rest of the Fab Five came in, they all acted like they were in the state of shock. "It's… It's… It's clean!" Kyan remarked as he observed the living room. Everything in it was organized. Picture frames and decorations were properly arranged above the sound system. CDs and DVDs were not in disarray, as what the Fab Five have experienced before.

"Halleluiah!" Carson hailed, as they observed more of his house. "A straight guy who actually cleans… I am amazed…" Kyan remarked.

"This house however… Is just so… Plain" Thom said as he sat down the couch. "I'm an organized person…" Horatio reasoned out. "Well, a plain house does not qualify as a party safe area." Thom explained. Jai was looking at the pictures and said, "Is it me or is Horatio keeping a safe distance from people?" Ted and Thom looked at the pictures and nodded in agreement. All the pictures showed a variety of events that involved Horatio's team. The picture, which caught the attention of the three, was a taken during a Christmas party, judging from the fact that Tim and Eric had green and red Christmas garlands circled around their necks. Calleigh and Alexx Woods were smiling while opening their presents. Horatio was standing alone in the food table, distracted with the chaos that the four CSIs were doing that time.

"Is he planning to eat the whole table?" Thom asked. "Maybe he's just… Experiencing solitude?" Ted said inconclusively. "Well, now I know what I'm gonna do to our straight guy…" Jai said as he straightened himself.

"Horatio! Come up here!" Carson yelled. Apparently, he and Kyan were upstairs, rummaging through his stuff, more particularly his clothes and his bathroom.

Horatio entered his room, the cul-de-sac of the cul-de-sac. Carson was searching, and observing through his room. "Horatio… Although I am amazed at your organized life… Although, I must say… I cannot comprehend the fact that you… You have a plain wardrobe! Honey, this is not good on your status…" True enough, he had his work clothes neatly arranged and hanged, separated from his ordinary, house clothes.

Carson closed the closet, with a look that seems to be satisfied with what he saw.

Carson's next target was the drawer. He opened it and gave out an audible gasp. "Guys! We have found something unexplainable here!" he yelled.

The others started entering the sanctuary of Horatio's bedroom, and Carson showed the rest of the Fab Five the contents of Horatio's drawer.

"It is systematically organized!" he declared.

"Whew… That's tough… Looks like you're job here is done Carson!" Ted joked. Horatio let out a small smile. "Not exactly… I mean, your guy maybe organized, but he lacks structure… Physical composure…"

Horatio looked at Carson and asked, "Huh?"

"Aww… Our straight guy is confused… How cute… You should be confused a lot more often!" Carson commented with a smile. Horatio replied, "Unconfuse me. I'd be better."

"Accessorize darling… You need more 'bling bling' in your wear." Carson explained as he reached out for Horatio's sunglasses that were beside his alarm clock. "You mean to say that sunglasses aren't enough?" Horatio asked. "Honey, turning sunglasses into head bands, neck braces or… Whatever, does not qualify as accessorizing." Carson explained.

"I can also see that you are monogamous… You do not buy anything that is not Calvin Klein…" Carson said as he fished through the drawer. "Are you the boxers or briefs person?" he asked Horatio as he held out a pair of each. Horatio felt his face flush as he said, "Either!" and made a grab for his unmentionables. He stuffed both in the drawer and closed it, all dignity forgotten.

"If you excuse me, I need to interrogate our straight guy for a few questions…" Kyan said as he grabbed for Horatio's arm and literally dragged him over to his bathroom. "Interrogate away." Horatio said blankly as Kyan was looking at the assorted products that were in the medicine cabinet.

"Looks like you know your poison Lieutenant. And I must say, out of all the straight guys we've changed? Seems like you're the best of the best!" Kyan said as he observed Horatio's face. "Thank you." Horatio said plainly, and feeling uneasy as the guy in front of him as examining him. After all, he was used with the fact that he was the one doing the examining, not the other way around.

"So, here's what I've intended for you. A day in the spa… A few minutes peace and quiet… Just to get you un… Unstressed, if there was such a word… And maybe, we can suggest a few more products for you, or we could remove some of these, which I feel may not be necessary… Is that alright with you?"

The explanation was pretty long, which was weird for Horatio since he was used to long explanations. But in those cases, he knew what was the general topic; it was all forensics, all the time. This time however, was of a totally new (and generally not your average day topic). All he could say was, "Sure. Fine with me…"

Horatio went downstairs to ensure the safety of the things he left there. Pretty much, he saw Ted ransacking his refrigerator. "You have a nutritious menu here Horatio…" Ted said as he closed the door and looked around the kitchen. "Nutritious?" Horatio repeated. As far as he could remember, his daily menu consisted of take-outs. Ted shrugged and said, "I understand your predicament in your day to day life… So yeah…"

Ted sat down and gestured for Horatio to sit down across him. "State your name and menu for tonight's party menu for the record…" Ted said in a serious tone. Horatio couldn't help to let out a smile and a small laugh. "Yeah I know, I watch to many cop shows… So, what's it's gonna be tonight?"

The flaw to the plan suddenly reoccurred to Horatio. Add the fact that he felt stumped about the simple question. What was the menu for the party?

The Food and Wine connoisseur sensed that the Arson/ Explosives CSI was temporarily paralyzed. He offered a small hint for him; "What does Calleigh want?"

A light bulb went on inside Horatio's head. "Well, she likes Fettuccini Alfredo… And she likes sweet stuff… I think she likes the mix of caramel and chocolate cake…"

Ted clapped both his hands together and said, "Then Fettuccini and cake it is! The drinks would be?" He then laughed and said, "Geez, I'm sounding like a waiter here…" Horatio smiled and asked, "Won't soft drinks be enough?"

"Well, that would make it too party themed. Maybe other drinks like iced tea?"

"That sounds great!" Horatio said.

"Company form!" Kyan yelled. Ted and Horatio stood up and walked to the living room where everyone else was settled in.

"Ok, so we're gonna prepare Horatio for tonight's event… Which means… He'd be going with you guys?" Thom said.

"Aye!" said Carson, Kyan and Ted altogether.

"And we'll be getting things done here…" Jai said as he noticed Horatio's worried look. Carson put an encouraging hand on the worried lieutenant's shoulder "Don't worry… It's in good hands…"

Thom smiled and added the assurance to Horatio's worrying mind. "In very good hands."

"Whaddya say H?" Kyan asked.

"Let's go then…" Horatio replied.

"Let's motor then guys!" Carson said.

behind the cameras

Speedle, Eric and Callrigh stepped down from Eric's pick-up parked outside Horatio's house. T.V trucks and vans were outside, thus making the three conclude that everything that was happening inside was already being filmed.

"I guess we can wait for H here… Outside…" Speedle said. Eric shook his head and said, "No need, look…"

The trio looked at the door where three of the Fab Five members were rushing out. The last one was Horatio, who was wearing a plain white polo shirt and plain khaki pants.

"Calleigh?" Horatio said to himself, causing him to miss a step of the stairs and making him roll down the front yard. "Whoa Nelly… You alright Horatio?" Ted asked as the three of them assisted the lieutenant to his feet. Calleigh and the boys rushed to their boss to help him, and maybe more.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" Horatio said as he dusted particles of his shirt. He turned to the three members of his team and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Support I guess…" Calleigh replied. "And maybe just to see a couple of things we don't usually see…" Eric followed. Horatio shrugged and said, "There you go…"

"You guys must be Tim and Eric…" Carson said as he extended out a hand of friendship to the three, who shook the hands of the Fab Three. "Yes we are…" Speedle said.

"We appreciate what you guys… Will be doing to Horatio today…" Calleigh said.

"No problem honey… We're just doing or job…" Carson replied.

Kyan started, "Five gay men…"

"One straight guy at a time…" Ted finished the Queer Eye motto.

A burly member of the crew approached the gang and asked, "Do you guys want to reshoot the scene?" Horatio seemed to have answered for everyone when he replied, "Of course we will…"

"We are not the channel for embarrassing straight men… Are we?" Carson followed.

"Uh… Guys?! We have a problem here!" someone from the TV crew shouted.

End.