TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126
SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.
A/N: I was going nuts since the diskette where this chapter was located suddenly went MIA, when suddenly, a black Hummer H2 passed by. (Hummers are extremely RARE in my side of the globe… I don't even think they sell Hummers here!) The Lord God smiled at me and struck a ray of light in a part of my room. AMEN! I added a few more weirdness in this chapter… So, this part has a lot of craziness than the usual. In addition, a brief Gil Grissom is mentioned here, along with events that happened in another fic, "Queer Eye for the CSI" by Anne, from the , a G/C fic site. All the stores mentioned here are fictitious. Any similarity or resemblance to actual places is entirely coincidental. Pardon moi.
Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
Chapter Two: Confessions in the Hummer
behind the cameras
"What's the problem?" Carson asked.
"The mini-cam in the car's broken… It's just a minor problem…We're fixing it."
"Fixing is not quite the term… Calvin got a shock just from fixing it…"
"Might take a few… Hours?"
"Hours?" Kyan repeated. This was the last thing their show needed; a minor problem.
But this was the one thing Horatio has been praying forever since they came. Just a small glitch, not too big… It's not that he wasn't used to the cameras, he faces them all the time especially when big time criminals face the wrath of the lieutenant. However, he was not used with the whole Miami population seeing how he'd change in the hands of five gay men.
"How about the Hummer?" Horatio offered.
Carson smiled and said, "An officer and a gentleman… Now this is my kind of guy!"
Eric and Speedle tried to stifle their laughter, but all ended in vain. Calleigh, who was between the two, nudged them both hard in the ribs. Horatio however, smiled at the trio and said, "Well, I just figured out that this whole thing… Has a schedule and… Well, there is the…"
"A Hummer is spacious… Very nice… When do we get to go?" Ted asked as if he was a five-year-old kid. "I'll just get my keys…"
Horatio went inside his home and went straight to his bedroom, where he saw Thom measuring the walls.
"Hello Horatio… Finished with the spa?" Thom asked as he went down the ladder and folded it. "Not yet… Need help with that?"
"Over there… Window side…" Thom said as Horatio moved the ladder. "You're nervous, aren't you Horatio?" Thom asked as he pulled the push-pull tape he was using. "A little… I have an organized life… I don't think it needs more organizing…" replied Horatio. He reached for his sunglasses and saw Thom on the verge of smiling. "You think that your organized life needs not to be reorganized? Horatio, even the organized NEEDS to be reorganized. You can't stick into complete sense of order in life… Sometimes it still needs a pinch of chaos… Am I even making sense enter your brain?"
Horatio smiled and said, "Yeah… I get it…" He put on his shades and waved good-bye to Thom. "Be careful! Good luck!" Thom yelled.
"Oh… He's got a rather sexy way of putting his shades on… And a nice butt to add!"
Horatio ran to the Hummer where three gay men and three CSIs were waiting for him. They were talking or laughing, probably at something he's not normally used to.
"Here's our straight guy! Let's motor!" Carson said. Horatio opened the doors of the Hummer and surprisingly, he opened the door to let Carson in.
"Why, thank you handsome…" Carson said as he entered the Hummer. At this point, Calleigh couldn't hold it any longer. She let out a laugh and was letting her hand hide it in vain. The duo, whose laughs were ringing left, right and center, was now ringing along with Calleigh. Horatio now looked serious, hands-on-hips and all. "Please stop guys…"
Calleigh stopped laughing, and so did Speedle, but Eric was having a hard time to control the in-between snorts that seemed to be emerging every time he was on the verge of completing a serious look.
"You can do this H… We trust the Fab Five, American straight men trust the Fab Five… And so will you!" Eric said as he gave a light pat to Horatio. Calleigh came forward and hugged Horatio. "You're gonna be fine Horatio… Handsome…" Inside the Hummer, the three members of the Fab Five gave an "Aww…" in unison.
"Thanks Calleigh…" Horatio said softly as he walked towards the Hummer. He went in, rolled down the window and waved one last good-bye.
"Let's go guys…" Calleigh said as she walked to the pick-up.
Eric and Speedle just stood at the spot.
"What about us? Horatio forgot to thank us!"
Horatio was driving towards "Le Fashione de Miami", Carson's suggestion for a place to shop for clothes. But the traffic was slowly creeping up, and the Hummer, along with the TV van, was stuck in the morning traffic.
Carson observed Horatio from head to knee (as far as his field of view was concerned). He was simply dying to ask just an itsy, bitsy question… He had to ask!
"Horatio, don't you ever get a tan?" Kyan asked from the back. As far as being the Grooming Guru of the Fab Five, he was doing a great job. Carson had a small, quick second frown, but then again, it was one of the millions of questions he had in mind. "Well… To be honest, I don't know… I mean, I've been in Miami ever since I was a kid… I was wondering about that myself…" he answered.
"Do you want to get a tan?" Kyan asked. Horatio shrugged and said, "Aren't you the one who's supposed to be answering that?" Kyan simply smiled and said, "I'd like to know what the straight guy thinks…"
Sensing that the conversation was over, Carson moved in for the kill.
"Horatio, do you have anyone special in mind?"
"I'm divorced." Horatio said plainly. Bad move for Carson. He bounced back to the arena by asking, "No, I mean to say is someone who just makes you feel good, despite your job… I am just asking this out of curiosity… And observation… So don't arrest me or whatever!"
"What makes you say that Carson?" Horatio asked, his sunglasses slightly off place so that his eyes could be seen.
And for the first time in Queer Eye history, Carson has actually ran out of words to say. Ted seemed to be in the same wavelength as Carson's and said, "Well, majority of the guys that we give a make-over are doing it for their 'special someone'… And they follow our advise, just for them… And maybe for the guy's welfare as well…"
"I'm just doing this for… Just to have a new look for my team…" Horatio replied. But the Carson had a weird feeling that the lieutenant was only telling half of the story.
"Really? I thought you were doing this for Calleigh…" Carson said.
And that did it. Horatio was letting out a small, trademark smile, and he felt his cheeks blush. He saw Carson smiling at the corner, so he immediately responded, "No! It's nothing like that! Honest!"
"Horatio, with the number of the straight men we've changed, I think we know the 'Yeah-I'm-Doing-This-For-My-Honey' smile…" Carson said, as he placed a caring hand on Horatio's shoulder. Kyan gave a friendly pat on Horatio's other available shoulder and said, "So we now know that you are guilty as charged…"
"I mean, come on Horatio! There's nothing wrong with having a relationship with your co-worker…" Kyan continued. "I don't have a relationship with my ballistics expert…" Horatio insisted.
"You don't have a relationship with your ballistics expert? Sounds like possession to me…" Carson reasoned.
Ted joined in the discussion and said, "Do you guys remember another CSI that we changed? Gil Grissom? The one in Las Vegas?"
"Oh yeah… Daddy Gil…" Carson said thoughtfully.
"The bug guy…" Ted said with uttermost disgust.
"Well, he and Catherine are now married, and Gil finally had the courage to propose… Courtesy of our fab tips and tricks!" Kyan said proudly.
At the red light, Horatio glanced at the three. It was as if they could read minds, or at the sane level, they could expertly read body motions.
"You guys could keep a secret, right?" Horatio asked.
"Of course honey! Unless it's a juicy one or I am tortured to tell it." Carson said in reply.
"Forget it."
"Nice going Carson!" said an annoyed Ted
"Oh come on! Don't be a spoiled sport. Do tell us!" followed Kyan
"Please?" Carson said, complete with the batting eyelashes and puppy dog expression.
"You swear you won't tell anyone?"
"Yes, I swear to cashmere clothing…"
"And to the good facial products yet to come…"
"And to the ever beloved pasta in Italy…"
Horatio, Carson and Kyan looked at Ted. "What?" Ted asked. "Good pasta does come from Italy!"
Horatio drew a deep breath and said…
"I do have feelings for Calleigh…"
The three started to grumble. Horatio had a weird expression and asked, "What now? What do you want me to say? That I love Calleigh? Come on…"
"Well, yeah… That would be nice…" Kyan said in reply. Carson followed the train and said, "And the one we were expecting…"
Horatio steered to the right and said, "Well, I did have feelings for her… But then she started going out with Hagen… So we're friends right now…"
"Friends? Only friends?" Ted asked.
"Who is this Hagen person? We'll strip off our gayness for a few minutes to beat the hell out of this Hagen for you Horatio." Kyan said with a smile.
"Well you did say she started going out with Hagen…"
"John…" Horatio mentioned the irritable first name.
"Whatever. It's still ugly if you ask me… Horatio is better dontcha think? It exudes finesse and class… Anyway… You mentioned it in the past tense… Meaning they are no longer a couple and therefore, you can do your thing!" Carson concluded.
"You're good with your grammar today Carson…" Ted commented.
"I thanks yous…" Carson replied.
Horatio gave a small laugh. He then explained the things that happened; the minute Calleigh broke up with Hagen since she felt that they weren't quite compatible, and the number of days the two of them spent some time together.
"Now you see… That's how relationships start… With a few talks here and there… And some nice things… And you'd end up in a beautiful relationship. Not friendship like that in Casablanca… Relationship Horatio…" Carson explained.
"No… I just want to give Calleigh some space…"
"A year and a half is way too much space Horatio." Ted said.
"Whatever… I said it all, so you guys have to keep your end of the deal… Keep it a secret"
"Of course we will! We are certainly not tattletales!" Kyan confirmed.
"On my oath, or may stores run out of decent men's wear for a millennia."
"Or may wine shops sell cheep booze" Ted followed.
Horatio let out a small smile, and wished that whatever they were saying to him right there and then, were all true.
End.
