TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126
SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.
A/N: O…Kay… So I'm no expert at the Fab Five's areas of expertise… (But I keep their tips in mind! Sometimes…) and the Queer Eye book is still in my brother's wretched paws… So I am kinda stuck with suggestions from friends… Shame on me! An author who lacks Queer experience! sniff Also, ALL of the stores here are fictional, any resemblance to actual establishments are entirely coincidental. Enjoy anyways!
Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
Chapter Three: Tsuzing, Spa-hopping, and Shake-ing!
The interviews
Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker
"Horatio's the next best thing to sliced bread… He looks out for us, the team… He is committed to doing a great job…"
Eric Delko: the Co-Worker
"At first look, it seems that he's in total control of his lifestyle… But we thought that he still needed a little help… So…There!"
Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker
"Horatio's a great boss… Great guy… Great man…The world would be a better place if there were more men like him…"
In front of the cameras
Carson, Kyan, Ted and Horatio stepped down from the Hummer and entered Le Fashione de Miami in a running motion.
"Welcome to Le Fashione de Miami! Probably one of the best places here in the south where you can find dashing clothes at an affordable price…" Carson announced with a smile as they entered the store. "You sound like a product endorser…" Horatio said. "Indeed I am!"
"Ok, so, let's move around here… Horatio, look for whatever you fancy… And we, would look for what ever we fancy for you!" Carson smiled as Horatio replied, "That sounds cool…"
Carson and the gang browsed the wide variety of men's clothing, giving each other suggestions and matching up the clothes they found.
"No… These pants look good with that cashmere sweater…"
"Ted, it doesn't even snow here in Miami and you expect him to were a cashmere sweater?"
"It was just a suggestion…"
"Oh yeah… This shirt looks good on him…"
"Alongside these pants…"
"Ah finally… Ted understands our man's needs…"
"Where's the leather jacket… Ah, there!"
"Forward troops! To the leather!"
They went to the leathery goods section of the store, where leather of all forms and sizes were present. Carson picked up a brown leather jacket and asked, "Wouldn't this look good with the plain white shirt?"
The two men nodded in agreement. Carson sighed and said, "Leather… The sexiest wear of all… Now where's Horatio…" He scanned the premises for the red-haired lieutenant, and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he saw Horatio in the…
"Oh no… Not plain wear… HORATIO!!!"
Horatio almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the yell. As Carson walked to Horatio, he made an "tsk-tsk" sound to show perhaps, his disappointment. "Now Horatio… Did I not tell you to stay away from the plain wear? Do you want me to arrest you for committing crimes of fashion?"
Kyan came to Horatio's rescue. "Uh, actually… Carson, you never said anything about that…" Carson's military officer look changed to that of a pre-school kid. "Really?"
The three nodded in unison.
"O-kay… So now I've said it and don't you ever do it again!"
The four walked towards the dressing rooms, with Horatio carrying the load of clothes that they chose for him. He laid them down a couch, and then Carson started explaining;
"Okay… Try this denim pants, this round collar shirt and this leather jacket on for size… And if you need help in unbuttoning, don't hesitate to call us!"
Horatio looked at Carson weirdly, laughed and entered the dressing room.
"He's got a sexy laugh…" Kyan commented.
Inside, Horatio couldn't help looking at himself. Half of him felt weird, seeing himself wearing… Leather… Something he swore in his distant past to never wear. On the other hand, he had to admit… He was nice to look at with leather clothing.
He showed himself to the Fab Three, and he got gasps of awe and disbelief in return. Carson clapped his hands once and said, "There you go… Isn't he better in unplain clothes?"
"Carson, there is no such word as unplain…" Ted said in a matter-of-fact voice.
"I'm compiling my own set of vocabulary words… Word number one… Unplain!"
Carson circled Horatio like a flying vulture above its prey. "With this, you can pretty much introduce yourself to Miami as an easy going guy, instead of the usual CSI with your 'uniform'… Not only that, you show other CSIs as well, that you own one nice, and hot, ass!"
Horatio laughed and said, "Thanks, Carson…"
"You are very much welcome Horatio!"
Horatio tried on different clothes, ranging from khaki to denim, from suede to cotton. Each time he'd go out of the dressing room, he couldn't help but to feel… Sexier by the minute…
The left Le Fashione de Miami after two hours, and their next stop was…
"The Spa of the Orient… It's a very nice spa where, I suggest Horatio, you should regularly go there and unwind…" Kyan started. Then he offered a list of the spa's services and explained each. Horatio couldn't quite stomach in the service called, "The Back Cruncher".
Kyan reassured him. "Oh, don't worry Horatio… We're not going to try that…"
"We?" Horatio repeated.
"Yes… We as in, you, me, Ted and Carson!"
Horatio could only gulp at that comment.
The foursome went inside the silver gate of The Spa of the Orient, where a brunette greeted them. Kyan got them a spa package, which involved an invigorating, fifteen-minute massage on all the body parts, a ten-minute lathering session of aromatherapy oil and a foot spa.
Horatio changed into nothing more than a short, wrapped himself in a towel. Kyan was waiting for him outside and lead him to a room where Carson and Ted were already inside, lying down on separate massage beds, with two ladies massaging them.
"Oh yeah… That's nice…" Ted murmured as the masseuse massaged his shoulders.
"You know, this would be much nicer if we have men surrounding us…" Carson said. Ted nodded in agreement.
A blonde masseuse smiled at Horatio and led him to a massage bed. Horatio looked at the masseuse as his thoughts told him that she slightly resembled Calleigh. He lied down and within a few minutes, he felt utterly relaxed. He felt as if all the troubles left, and he felt easy inside. The fifteen minutes seemed like hours, as he left the room smiling.
The lathering session proved to have taken it's toll on Horatio, as the scent of the oil and the candles helped him unwind some more. The massage made Horatio swear to himself that he must do this at least once a month…
The foot spa was basically the opportunity for the three to ask Horatio, how was his day going so far.
"It's going fine… This day is great… I feel like a million bucks!"
And that was enough for Kyan.
After the spa, Ted directed Horatio to…
"The nearest grocery store?" the three asked together. "No wine shops?" Carson asked. "Now Ted, that's very unusual of you…"
"I am going to instruct Horatio about the party…" Ted replied.
Horatio parked the Hummer outside a grocery store, which was a few meters away from the next place they were going to visit, according to Carson.
Ted led Horatio to the Produce area, where he gave him a crash course on food. He then showed him the ingredients needed for his Fettuccine Alfredo. Ted also got Horatio the basic tools of cooking, because he sensed that Horatio only had a few.
After which, Ted showed Horatio fruits and said, "I'm afraid that we can't go with the iced tea plan as proposed… So, we'll be substituting shakes… I do hope that you have a standard blender in the house…"
Horatio thought for a second or two, then replied, "Yeah… I think…" Ted clasped his hands in prayer and said, "Please, may Horatio have a blender in the house… Oh please, oh please, oh please…"
"Anyway, so I ask you now, what fruit would you like to serve?"
"I always liked melons…" Horatio said thoughtfully.
"Then melons it is… Horatio, you better have a blender in your house, or I may have to kill you"
"Not a chance…"
"Oh yeah… I forgot who I am dealing with…"
After paying for their merchandise, they walked to Cabrera Jewelers, apparently, the next shop in the itinerary. Finally, Horatio felt comfortable with a place he was familiar with. Maria Delko, Eric's cousin, worked there. Eric and Horatio usually picked up a few items for Maria.
"Now Horatio, I will teach you the fine art of accessorizing… The good thing about Cabrera Jewelers is that they have upgraded their merchandise; from the classic bling-bling, to the modern day bling-bling. Just choose between the two…"
Horatio looked at the variety of jewelry, showcased inside glass boxes.
A dark-skinned woman behind one of the counters walked towards where Horatio was observing and said, "Good morning sir… And how may I help you?"
Carson, who was now beside Horatio, said, "Hi there… What would you suggest our friend here?"
Maria smiled and walked towards a few glass displays. She brought out a velvet casing, to which Horatio knew all to well. It was one of the jewelry Eric and Tim were joking around with Horatio. It was a plain, silver pendant letter, "H", on a black, thick nylon cord.
"Oh that's nice… Go ahead Horatio! Try it on…" Carson carefully picked up the necklace and gestured Horatio to turn around. He put on the necklace, and pointed at the mirror. "It looks nice on you Horatio…" Maria smiled and nodded in agreement. "Yes, indeed it does…"
"Hey guys! Over here!" Ted said and waved over to where he and Kyan were. Carson walked over, while Horatio removed the necklace and gave it back to Maria.
Kyan was pointing excitedly at a gold charm bracelet. The sign below it read, "Personalized at Request".
"What do you think Horatio?" Kyan asked. "It would be a nice gift to Calleigh!" Ted added behind him.
Another attendant showed up, and Carson asked, "What more charms are available here?"
"We have zodiac signs, letters, numbers and other precious gem stones…" the attendant answered.
"That would be nice…" Horatio said, smiling.
Carson gave the go signal to make the bracelet, then the attendant presented a sheet of paper where they were supposed to write what charms would be used. Horatio chose a "C", "D" letter charms, and two amethyst gemstones. Horatio even drew the design for the bracelet.
"It would only take a few minutes…"
"Sure… Horatio… Let's go to the Chocolaterie right across the street… For the cake we'll be preparing…" Ted said. Horatio was looking at a few more jewelries as he said, "Give me a few more minutes…"
Carson sighed, pretended to cry, and said, "Bless our straight guy… He has learned the fine art of accessorizing! I'm so proud…"
Little does Carson know that Horatio was about to negotiate to Maria, about something else…
"Did it arrive as planned?" whispered Horatio. "Yes… As you designed…." Maria replied. She was about to reach for the drawer, when Horatio motioned her to stop and said, "This is between you and me… I don't want them to know…"
"But Horatio… Whatever you would purchase would be paid…"
"Yeah… I know that… I would be paying for this… Make this a private transaction, ok?"
"Anything for my cousin's boss… And a friend of my friend… Or maybe something more?" Maria teased.
Horatio just winked at her.
End.
