TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

RATING: FRT, T

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: O…Kay… So I'm no expert at the Fab Five's areas of expertise… (But I keep their tips in mind! Sometimes…) and the Queer Eye book is still in my brother's wretched paws… So I am stuck with suggestions from friends… Shame on me! An author who lacks Queer experience! sniff Also, ALL of the stores here are fictional, any resemblance to actual establishments are entirely coincidental. Enjoy anyways!

Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

Chapter Four: Dancing and Redecorating? I'd rather be in a Crime Scene


The interviews


Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker

"The only problem with Horatio, is that his house seems… Too white… And plain!"

Eric Delko: the Co-Worker

"His house needs serious redecorating… Fab Five, do something!"

Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker

"Every time we'd go to Horatio's home, it would seem that the only things that would change there are the decorations and the clothes he wears…"


In front of the cameras


Ted was sadly surveying the line of chocolates inside the Chocolaterie when Horatio came in. "Your friend, Tim Speedle, called a few minutes ago… He asked me if you already have dessert for tonight… Then I heard some commotion in the background… Apparently, they were making the cake… "

Horatio showed a weird look to Ted and said, "Oh yeah… They were the ones who were going to make that..."

"I was really hopping that you'd be making the cake for our birthday celebrant…" Ted sighed then pretended to sniff. "Oh white chocolate… Don't look at me like that… It hurts… " He reached out for Horatio and said, "Hug me Horatio!"

Horatio was about to move out of Ted's way, but he still received the queer bear hug. For what it was worth, Horatio gave Ted a few friendly pats on the back.

Ted snapped out of his pretend sorrow and cheerfully said, "Anyway, after Tim, Thom called as well. He's taking you to The Master's Bedroom so that you can choose what you would like for your home!"

They heard rhythmic knocks against the Chocolaterie's oak door and saw Thom and Jai outside the window, vigorously waving at them. As the two left the Chocolaterie, Thom asked Horatio, "So, are you ready to pick out your new furniture?"

"New furniture?"

"Yes darling, new furniture… Just to replace your old, plain ones…"

Horatio looked at Thom as if he was a CSI that told him, "The prints don't match"

But of course, Horatio knew the ordeal he was in, so he couldn't say no.

"The car's cam still not fixed?" Kyan asked as Ted, Thom, Jai and Horatio were nearing the Hummer. Jai just shrugged in reply. Thom explained to the ones who were present that the whole time they were out, their crew couldn't solve the problem.

"Oh well… Our turn to ride in the Hummer!" Jai said excitedly. The Fab Five exchanged good-byes and simple reminders and soon, Horatio, along with Thom and Jai were on the road.


"Are you excited to see the changes in your house Horatio?" Jai asked. "Well…" Horatio said as his voice trailed off. To be honest, everything was okay for him so far… But the minute he heard Thom utter the words "new furniture", he couldn't quite shake the dominant feeling of worry. The word "redecorate" never occurred to Horatio Caine's mind; gun shot residue, projectile, trajectory… these would be the terms he was certainly familiar with.

But redecorate?

Horatio saw Thom's anxious face in search of an answer, so he quickly replied, "Uh, yeah… Pretty much…"

"You are going to love it! I can pretty much guarantee that! If you're not satisfied however, you can take Carson." Thom joked. "Me! Pick me instead!" Jai followed. Horatio heaved a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure if he can even make it through the party with out his mind fluctuating the levels of sanity.

After parking a few meters away from the store, the three walked, with Thom leading the way. Without a warning, Jai dived for Horatio's free arm and said, "Let's pretend we're a couple shopping for furniture for our huge, Miami-overlooking condo unit!" Thom playfully slapped Jai, "Leave the scaring the straight guy business to Carson!" Horatio felt a huge release as Jai let go and pouted at Thom. He would be very much comfortable if it were Calleigh saying and doing what Jai had just presented. However, he couldn't shake the feeling that the whole Miami Police Force, (and even his arch nemesis, the county's accounting department) would be laughing their asses off if (and when!) they see this on TV.

"Here we are at The Master's Bedroom, where they concentrate on bedroom furnishings, but they also made way for a few other furniture too!" Thom said as he opened the door. They went straight to the bedroom section, where beds of all sizes were elegantly displayed.

"Now Horatio, I noticed that your bed, no offence meant buddy, seems to be… Uh… A tad too little for your physique. I mean, do you even get to stretch your legs in that small space? So now… Pick a bed in which you will be, I repeat, will be comfortable with… NO SINGLE BEDS!"

"Can he test the beds?" Jai asked. Thom nodded in reply. Horatio was already meters away from them when Jai whispered at Thom, "Fifty bucks, I bet Horatio's gonna get a king-sized bed."

Thom raised an eyebrow, then replied, "Oh really? As Design Doctor, I'm betting he's getting a queen size."

The two men firmly shook each other's hand, the common sign that the bet was sealed.

Horatio looked at every single bed in that section. He was single, after all, why shouldn't he get a single bed? It wasn't as if he was sleeping with anyone!

However, Horatio saw a very, very comfortable queen size bed. He sat down in it, and even playfully jumped up and down. Out of the blue, he thought he heard Calleigh's playful laugh, and boy, was he surprised when he saw a faint scene of himself, and Calleigh, laughing and lying in the bed. At a distance, Thom gave Jai a triumphant smirk, as they both brisk walked to Horatio, with Jai yelling "Queer pile!"

The duo jumped on top of Horatio, laughing and getting their own pillows. Pretty soon, the threesome was having a pillow fight, with Jai "pouffing" Thom in retaliation of his loss and Horatio grabbing two pillows only to protect himself. When Horatio managed to escape the war zone, Thom and Jai started fixing themselves. "Very nice choice Horatio… The Madame Marithe design by Loridale is actually the choice of couples in the Miami area…" Thom commented as he let Horatio lie down the bed. "That sounds interesting… Any plans for tonight Horatio?" Jai asked with a mischievous tone.

"I just want to get through tonight safe and sound… Then maybe sleep peacefully." Horatio replied.

"With someone?" Thom asked with his famous raised eyebrow.

"I… Am not sure…"

Jai practically yanked Horatio's arm and said, "Let's check out the home entertainment set!" And off the three went to the said section. Horatio observed the various designs, while Thom explained the importance of having a "socially acceptable" home entertainment set.

"It also gives plus points to the ladies…" Thom said as Horatio was observing the Lorica design in front of him. Horatio looked surprised at his comment, while Thom could only give him his look of innocence.


"Shall we dance?"

That question was too much for Horatio. Thom and Jai led him to "Miami Footloose", a small school in the area, which teaches both the young and old the fine elements of dancing. The only thing was… Lt. Horatio Caine does not dance. Never, not in a million years.

"So Horatio, do you know how to dance? Just some quick basic steps maybe?" Jai asked as he led the nervous Horatio to the center of the studio. "Uh, maybe… But I have two left feet; I swear…" came the nervous reply.

"Nonsense. No one should think of himself or herself having two left feet. Besides, dancing with someone with two left feet usually leads to some playful fun!" Jai said. Before Horatio could give a reply, a young brunette walked in, and Jai introduced her as Elaine. "She'd give you a crash course in dancing… Now Elaine, Horatio said that he was somehow familiar with dance steps…"

Elaine smiled at Horatio and said, "That's good! It's nice to know that some men can still dance. So Horatio, what dance steps or dances are you familiar with?"

"Uh… Samba… Tango?" the lieutenant replied. For the whole time, Horatio kept his hands inside his pockets, thinking that without his hands, nobody can teach him how to dance.

"Ok, then, come this way, and let the crash course begin!"

Within the hour and a half, Horatio did nothing but to look at his feet. The first hour, his feet were getting all tangled up. Jai was covering his eyes while Thom had only one eye opened to see what was going on.

As Horatio fell on his butt for the tenth time, the duo rushed to him and helped him up. Jai sighed and said, "This is not working out…" Thom followed the suit and said, "We need to get him a partner… So that Elaine here can teach instead of dancing and teaching at the same time."

"An excellent suggestion Thom! Wait right here…" Elaine said as she left. Horatio sat down the floor, obviously exhausted. "Three words. Two left feet." He said as his body gave up from the stress and made him lie down the studio floor.

Thom patted Horatio's hair, as if he were a dog, and said, "You'll get used to it… Eventually…"

Horatio managed to smile, as his eyes darted up to the door, and saw… Calleigh?

Now he knew that fatigue, or maybe simple, just simple, plain anxiety was taking it's toll.

Elaine returned, her presence made known as a blonde haired woman in her late twenties followed her. Horatio immediately sat up, fixed himself as Elaine introduced Ashley. "She will also help me to teach you the few steps… Let's start again, shall we?"

As Elaine was guiding the two, Horatio was somehow getting the whole point. Why shouldn't he? When he was sort of confused, Ashley would smile and whisper the proper procedure. Add her Southern accent and charm… He felt as if he was dancing right there and then with Calleigh.

So far, his feet did an excellent job with cooperating, while the Thom and Jai managed to squeeze in and dance with Horatio. As Horatio gave Jai a final dip, Elaine clapped her hands, praising Horatio all the way. From a far, a few rounds of clapping were heard; the rest of the Fab Five apparently joined in. Carson and Ted were mock dancing, with Ted biting a rose. "Good luck with tonight's party Horatio", Elaine said as a reply to the "Thank you" she received from the lieutenant. "

"I just hope I have enough luck to get through these guys…" Horatio said as he pointed to the Fab Five.

TBC


I apologize for the late update… Blame it on school, exams, and the stupid thing called love. grins