TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126
SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!
RATING: FRT, T
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.
A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciated them, considering the fact that I had doubts about this fic at first.


Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
Chapter Four(point)Five: When CSIs go naughty


"El magnifico!" Eric Delko said as he kissed his fingers and raised them to the air. "Yeah, finally… After all those near blow-ups? I'm lucky I'm still alive." Tim Speedle sarcastically followed. "This cake still needs some tszujing, you know."

"Did I just hear you right? Did you just use the word 'tszujing'?" Eric stared at his partner in crime. "As if you don't watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy…" Tim replied. He then started to spread the chocolate icing on the two layers of the cake. Eric just sighed and got the vanilla icing, and started to write "Happy Birthday Calleigh!" on the top layer, after Speed was done with it.

"And you don't know the term 'tszujing'? Get real Delko…"


After placing the cake inside Eric's huge refrigerator (Speed still can't comprehend why Eric owns one), the two sat down the lounge area to rest. "So, what did you get or Calleigh?" Eric asked. Speedle let out a smirk, and grabbed for a box on the adjacent chofa (not much of a couch, not much of a sofa). "My friend's niece was selling 'made-to-order' plush dolls for a fund raising project. The niece didn't stop marketing, so I was forced to have five of these made-to-order plushies. Pretty good actually, worth every dollar…"

Speed then showed him the plastic box; inside were five plush dolls, with all the members of their team. The plushie in the center was unmistakably Horatio, in his usual pose; next to his right was Calleigh and Alexx, to his left was Speed and Eric. "Hey…" Eric said as he pointed at his plushie counterpart. "It does not look anywhere like me!"

"Yes it does… See? It even has you trademark, lopsided grin!" Speed said as he pointed at the smiling plushie. "Ha, ha, ha…." Eric sarcastically laughed.

"Well, what's your gift?" Speed asked. Eric then showed his gift; a die cast scale model of the Hummer H2. Speed looked at the model and saw the familiar sticker of the CSI logo. "Customized?" Speed asked.

"No, actually… This one's from Valera, who got this from the cadet that was playing motorbike with the lab chairs and crashed into Horatio…" Eric explained. Speed smiled at once when he remembered that incident, especially since it somehow gave them more evidence that Calleigh cared for Horatio…And vice versa.

"Well, he was about to crash into Calleigh. Only proper for Horatio to move her out of the way." Speed said as he returned the gift to the giver. "You think those two got a little something-something goin' on?" Eric asked.

"With those two? We don't know… But still… We have evidence to back-up our findings!" Speed said as the two fixed themselves and their gifts. "I was just wondering… Calleigh…. Hagen… Those two?" Eric asked as he wrote his birthday greetings down a card.

Speed was hopelessly banging a ball pen on the counter when he replied, "Nah… Actually, Hagen's trying to rekindle the flame… But… No luck I guess…" Eric extended his pen to the frustrated Speed, who had just thrown his pen in anger. "You know, we gotta do something… These two have something… Something between them… They just need a good push…"

Speed looked at Eric as if he had just said something insane. "Well, if you figure something on how to do that, then call me… I'd be more than willing to help." Speed replied as he placed his gift carefully inside a gift bag.

"You shouldn't have asked Speed… You shouldn't have asked…" Eric said with a menacing grin on his face.

Speed noticed the CSIs look of pure genius, or evil, whichever was appropriate for the occasion.

"Oh no… No way… No way Delko! You ain't dragging me into your foul schemes!" Speed made a quick grab for his gift, but Eric stopped him. "You said you were willing to help!"

"That…" Speed raised his hand "Was sarcasm, you dummy… You need to take English lessons?"

"Come on… You already volunteered…"

Eric gave him the "you-better-join-in-this-scheme-or-else" look. Speed sighed heavily and said, "Fine, fine… But if my ass is whooped two times harder than I expect from H, I swear…"


Smirking from the victory he had over Speed, he motioned Speed to follow him, as he got his keys to his pick-up. Pretty soon, they were both inspecting prepaid cell phone kits inside the mall.

Speed curiously asked, "What're the phones for?"

"Speed, let's go back to where time was young… Our minds were full of joy and worry free…" Eric started as he pointed at a Nokia 5510. "And prank calls were the only source of joy…"

That was it. Speed made it official.. "You have completely gone out of your mind! How can prank calls help the two?"

"In some ways more than one… We just have to remove minor glitches…" Eric said as he proceeded to buying two phones. He handed Speed the other one. "We're prank calling Hagen and Yelina. I'm taking Hagen."

"That's it mister… You're giving me Yelina? Do you know she can take me apart in seconds when agitated?" Speed said as he pushed back the phone to him. Eric raised his eyebrow and asked, "What's wrong with you?" He took both phones and the two walked back to the parking lot. "Just in case you forgot what our professions are, may I remind you that we're CSIs, and we have the high end technology to track down these calls?"

Eric merely laughed. "Seems like you don't know the fine art of prank calling"

The frustrated Speed went inside the pick-up and said, "I am the master of prank calling, for your information. I was the best… Yet my ass was whopped every time I was caught."

Eric snorted as he started the ignition. "Some master you are…"


"Look, we'll just call 'em, then dispose of the evidence. Simple as that!" Eric said as he opened the phone kit. He inserted the SIM card then handed it to Speed. "As if nothing happened."

Speed looked at the phone, then at Eric, then back at the phone. He took the phone, as Eric smiled at the fact that he had brought Speed over the dark side. "You better hope this works." Speed said as he punched some buttons of the phone. "If you're that worried, I'll write down a full script for you, even right down the directions to where you can throw the phone afterwards."

"You may have won the war, but you haven't won the battle…" Speed said as he pocketed the phone. Eric laughed as he asked, "Is that how the saying goes?"

"No, but you better be prepared." Speed gave him a somewhat threatening glare.

"You are gonna right down some script, right?"

Eric looked at Speed, as the two laughed and started preparing for the big party that night.