TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126
SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!
RATING: FRT, T
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.
A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciated them, considering the fact that I had doubts about this fic at first.


Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
Chapter Five: Redefining Horatio Caine


The interviews

Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker

"If Horatio goes through this in one piece, it's official; he's the toughest guy in Miami."

Eric Delko: the Co-Worker

"Everyone in our department has high hopes for the new and improved Horatio Caine. Go H!… Uh, sir…"

Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker

"This is not only Horatio's life changing experience, but maybe the whole team's as well."


In front of the cameras


After the dancing lessons, Thom, Kyan and Carson left for Horatio's home, to do some last minute modifications. Horatio then requested to Ted and Jai if they could just lounge inside the Hummer for a few minutes; his feet were positively killing him. Ted felt very generous at that moment, treating the two ice cream sundaes as an ice cream truck passed by. He even fought skin and bone through the kids who were also there for some ice cream. Jai was laughing as Ted was struggling to get away from the crowd of kids without destroying the ice cream's presentation. Horatio managed to let out a small smile.

"For all that its worth…" Ted said, almost breathless after his ordeal.


"Admit it Horatio, you're liking how this day is going so far…" a soft voice in the lieutenant's head whispered.

"''Course he did… He's been pampered by five gay men…" a gruff voice sarcastically countered.

"He's doing it for someone… Aren't you Horatio?" the soft voice continued, not minding what the gruff voice said.

"Hell no, he's just doing this to get back at the two after all this is done… He'll kick their asses afterwards!"

"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH HERE!" the soft voice suddenly yelled, somehow matching the decibel of the gruff voice.

"MAKE ME!"

"LETS GET IT ON!"


Horatio sighed as he made a left turn. Even his subconsciouses were fighting it out. He himself couldn't solve this one; what was the real purpose of this whole thing? What was going to happen to him afterwards? Could he make it through one day without thinking of the perfect retaliation for Speed and Eric?

"You'll be surprised to what Thom has done for the house Horatio…" Jai said suddenly, stealing Horatio away from his reverie.

As if on cue, Horatio saw his house from a distance. A few hours ago, he was nervous about the whole party for Calleigh. Now, he was nervous about his house and what these men have been doing to him.

"Cover the straight guy's eyes!" Carson said as he emerged from the front door. Without warning, Ted followed the order, as the three led him inside.

In the total darkness, Horatio could only pray.


"SURPRISE!" the Fab Five yelled altogether.

"Holy…"

Horatio stared at his surroundings. It seemed he was dreaming, that he was in some fancy place that was nowhere near his house.

"So Horatio… How do you like?" Thom asked.

"Amazing… Simply amazing..." was the lieutenants reply.

The Fab Five exchanged looks and mental high fives. Thom stepped forward and showed Horatio around his home. "I redesigned your whole house, but still left pieces of you, just in case you might feel like, you know… You're one of us?" Thom laughed as he sat down the new couch.

"I bought this for you, it's a Jurgen Meyer Wrap Round, and there's your Lorica Home Entertainment shelf… This living room, hopefully expresses the visage of Lieutenant Horatio Caine…"

Thom then led Horatio into his dining room, which was now noticeably adjacent to his kitchen. "The Mathau Dining set seats 5 people… You might ask what the four extra seats are for… But just think of it as looking into the future… Unexpected guests, new girlfriend, and then a few kids…" Horatio let out a smirk as Thom continued, "Which I hope, won't be happening some time tomorrow lieutenant…"

The two went upstairs; Thom seemingly excited to show Horatio his new bedroom.

"Ta daa!" Thom exclaimed as he opened the bedroom door and Carson already lying down the bed. "Nice isn't it? Just exclude Carson from the observation Horatio…"

"Hmph!" came in Carson reply.

"Anyway, here's your Madame Marithe bed… And here's your old side drawer, I just tszujed it to make it better. Here's also a new desk lamp, I figured out that you might read your case files or… whatever before you go to sleep!" Thom then pointed at the new addition to his room, a three foot navy blue plastic drawer. "I put some of your personal stuff that's been lying around your closet… I arranged it according to degree of straight guy importance… The top drawer is empty though…"

"What's it for?" Horatio asked.

"Porn. It seem you don't have them Horatio… You hide 'em pretty good!"

"You're just not looking that well enough… Fashion's up next!" Carson declared.


A few minutes after, Horatio emerged from his walk-in cabinet, in denim pants and a blue shirt, the Fab Five (minus Carson), seated on his bed.

"This Horatio, is what you wear when you just want to strut around Miami, your mind free of crime scenes et al… It's simple and plain, unless topped with the leather jacket, which makes you the personification of the heat of Miami…" Carson imitated a sizzling sound and then ordered Horatio to move on to the next outfit.

"You now see our red-haired lieutenant in our evening ensemble, coat and tie, with a very, very nice and not to mention comfortable pair of pants…All courtesy of Armani… Now, as I understand it, the party attire for tonight is semi formal right? You can wear this, then have this bling from Cabrera Jewelers…"

Horatio looked at his reflection in the mirror. Kyan seemed to have shared his thoughts with Horatio, as he questioned the Fashion Savant. "Isn't it a little odd? An evening ensemble with a modern day bling-bling?" he asked.

"Helloo? We're not living in the scruffy, old school era anymore! What straight men should think is to stand out on special nights! Not to look like everyone else in the room…" came the "logical" explanation. "Don't you think so Horatio?" Carson continued.

"Uh, I think so…"

"Oh dear… Our straight guy is confused… He's so cute!" Carson remarked as he absent-mindedly pinched Horatio's left cheek. Carson quickly apologized for his actions, then Jai announced, "Ok, let's dance… March lieutenant! March!"

"Change first! Don't you dare turn that Armani suit into a sweat suit!"


Horatio came downstairs a few minutes after, and saw Jai standing near his Sound System. He pressed the NEXT button about four times, and then a dance track came out.

"It's called Samba, by bond, a string quartet. This is from their third album, Classified. Catchy, isn't it?" Jai asked. Horatio nodded in agreement, "Very…" Jai then pressed the CD CHANGE button, pressed the NEXT button and another "catchy" tune.

"This one is Fuego, also by bond… I would suggest playing Samba first, then use the first three tracks of this album, Shine. Also, don't be shy to be the first one to ask the birthday celebrant for a dance… Be brave! Be strong!" Jai said as he raised his hand, Horatio returning the high five.

"Now go upstairs, again, I think Kyan has a little something for you…"


Kyan smiled as Horatio walked in the bathroom, giving the straight guy a few friendly pats on the back. "Now Horatio, I removed some of your products… Notice that your medicine cabinet now has a lot of space!"

"Here's this new spray by Romence, it's called Midnight Caravan, a guaranteed hit on the ladies… Here's another one called Work Week. I noticed you use the Donovan line, but I wouldn't recommend it that much, since it doesn't leave a lasting impression. You can use this to scent up yourself as you work, I mean… You have to smell good all the time…" Kyan then winked at Horatio.

"Hey! Send Horatio downstairs! We have a crime scene here!" Ted shouted.


"Jesus, I'm going to loose some weight running up and down like this." Horatio thought to himself as he saw Ted in his kitchen, excited to instruct him about the party provisions.

"All you have to do about the Fettuccini Alfredo is on this Post It note, which I will place right here in your refrigerator. I already used the simplest terms known to every straight guy to explain the fine process of making this fine dish…" Ted then sighed and said, "Please tell me you know how to cook the Fettuccini al dente."

"What is al dente?" Horatio asked.

Ted looked at him with horror. "Just kidding." Horatio said, smiling.

"Dear Lord! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Ted retaliated as he playfully punched Horatio's arm. "I would've killed you for that… Anyway, I think I'll just need to demonstrate how to make shakes, just be careful about the blender though -nice blender, by the way, the latest model!"

Ted then started to give the quickest course of shake making to Horatio. The lieutenant listened carefully, taking note of every small detail Ted presented. Horatio of course, did his share, such as getting the small umbrellas and bending straws, arranging them and then adding a little presentation.

"Nicely done Horatio! Additional points on the presentation! Now… Here's the moment of truth, the taste test… Da da da dum… Are you ready for this Horatio?" Ted asked as he raised his glass. Horatio also got his, and had a mock toast with Ted. "Cheers…" the two said in unison.

After drinking his share, Ted liked his lips and said, "Damn good shake here Horatio… A plus!" He put down his glass and then clapped his hands. Horatio simply smiled and muttered a thank you to the Food and Wine Connoisseur.

Suddenly, Ted raised a lecturing forefinger and said, "Always remember to put the lid on the blender… Put the lid on the blender… Repeat after me… Put the lid on the blender…"

"Put the lid on the blender…" Horatio repeated.

"Good! I know many straight guys who forgot to do it, and blam! Everything all gone! Use it as a mantra Horatio…"

"That I will do…" Horatio replied, his voice trying to reassure the connoisseur. Ted gave him a quick smirk, then called out the rest of the Fab Five, for their final reminders and their parting.


"Please be careful with the Armani suit… And accessorize! Thou shall not be afraid of tszujing!" Carson said as he received his melon shake.

"Don't forget the new fragrances I introduced! It's very, very nice on the ladies!" Kyan said with a wink as he sat down the sofa.

"Use some of the linens I showed to you a while back, to avoid any unwanted stains on your new diner set!" Thom followed as he reached for the linen sheets that were still packed.

"Put your feet into good use Horatio, don't be conscious about them…" Jai reminded him as he handed Horatio the CDs.

"And of course, put the lid on the blender, put the lid on the blender… Repeat after me…" Ted said as he posed into mediation.

"Put the lid on the blender… Put the lid on the blender…" the gentlemen said all together, then laughed in the end.

Horatio smiled as he took another sip of his shake. Perhaps now was the time to vocalize what he had in mind.

"I'd just like to thank you guys for giving me such a life changing experience… It's really nice actually, a break from the usual routine… Thanks for all these efforts…" Horatio then raised his glass to the Fab Five.

Kyan smiled and said, "It's all worth it Horatio… Trust us…"

"Good luck with tonight's festivities lieutenant!" Ted followed.

Horatio smiled. "Thanks…"

"Let's all get together now… Cheers queers!" Carson said as he raised his glass.

Thom pointed at Horatio and said, "Minus one!"

"Cheers!"

TBC


I really didn't mean that joke on Horatio about the top drawer (you know what that is…), we all know he's not that kind of fellow. winks bond (yes, it begins with a small "b"), is my favorite string quartet band. Those two tracks Jai mentioned are really catchy dance tunes! I could - (ok, won't spoil the next chapter now, right?)