A parody in the far, war torn future of the 41st Millennium
Fit the First
Marlus sat in his command
chair, people busying themselves with driving the ship around him.
The Obliviscaris cruised along with 5 others, accompanied by a dozen
escorts. He looked around himself, proud of what he was commanding.
Of course, being a captain, he should expect nothing less. Each crew
member was trained to his, or hers he added after a female marine of
the navy walked by, greatest ability. The sheer greatness of the ship
needed a five person team, sat in chairs in front of Marlus, to make
sure the ship is going the right way. Matthew, the head of the team,
turned to Marlus.
'My Lord,' He addressed Marlus. 'The
Battle Barge Obliviscaris is on its course to Istvaan III. We shall
be there, to confront the heretic Horus, in 48 Hours.'
It was the 31st millennium; Marlus and much of the crew were Space Marines. Each ship belonged to the Emperor's Children chapter, the chapter the Marines belonged to, and they were on their way to Isstvan III, to try and convince Horus, a self announced traitor of the Holy Emperor of Mankind, to give himself in. The Obliviscaris is a Battle Barge, as were the other five, a behemoth of a space-ship. The escorts were Strike Cruisers and, although smaller than the Battle Barges, were metal monstrosities themselves. Each Cruiser was over a mile in length, and each Battle Barge was at least twice that.
'Urgh.
Why does Warp travel take SO long?' Marlus complained. He
restlessly prodded some buttons on the control panel one the arm of
his command chair. A foot rest rose out off a hole in the floor which
Marlus put his power armoured feet on. He toyed with a joystick on
the control panel. He looked up to his bodyguard and tapped one on
the shoulder.
'How about a game of limbless reptiles and
ladders?'
The Marine thought.
'Didn't Memustithia lose
the dice?'
'Oh, yeah.'
Marlus leaned on his elbow.
'How about a vid-pic recording?' The Marine suggested.
'Good
idea!' Marlus called for a tech-priest to activate the vid-pic
projector. 'Which one?'
'"Imperial History for Dummies?"'
'Good choice.' He nodded at the tech-priest, who began his
work.
He invoked the prayers of the Machine God, entered the
activation code and offered sacrifices to Omnissiah.
After half
an hour of watching the man kow-tow, input data into the vid-pic
projecter and sometimes kicking and cursing at it, Marlus pushed him
aside and inserted the vid-pic bar into the projector and pressed
"Play".
The screen flickered into light and a sudden fan fare
played. In spidery, gothic letters, it said "Imperial History for
dummies". In the lower right hand corner it said "© 29M".
The screen faded out, to reveal a Space Marine. Although the
footage was in black and white, and black dots and scratches
flickered across the screen, a large "U" on a shoulder plate
revealed that he was of the Ultramarine chapter.
'Pretty boy,'
Marlus mumbled, disgusted. It was in fact that the choice of the
presenter for this educational video had been between a marine of the
Emperor's Children chapter and the marine on the screen but the
ultramarine had won in the end.
'Hi, I'm Gilmore McEarvin.
You may have seen me in "Bolters – The Key to Victory" and "The
Mechanicus Cult – Why we need those computer geeks, anyway?".'
Several marines booed at the screen.
McEarvin started walking
down a corridor, paintings of various events in history hanging
behind him.
'I'm here today to teach you about the glorious
history of the Imperium and the most holy Emperor!
As you all
know, the Emperor is the leader of mankind. He is the most physically
and psychically strong being in the universe, and is practically
worshipped as a god.
The Imperium is the vast area of space which
Mankind owns, fighting heroically off the many, but weak, alien races
who look at our territory with greed and jealousy.'
He stopped
beside a poorly made dummy-replica of an Ork, a green skined and
heavily muscled creature.
'Of course, our answer to that is we
make them eat .75 calibre bolts with diamantine core tips, depleted
deuterium core and mass reactive detonators!'
He shot the "Ork"
with his bolt pistol, sending feathers all over the room. McEarvin
spat a few out. He carried on walking down the corridor, a couple of
feathers still on his armour.
'The early history of mankind is
masked in mystery and any time before the dark age of technology is
practically unknown. So we now go on to the mighty Warriors of the
Imperium, the Adeptus Astartes! Also know as the Space Marines!'
He walked under a large painting of a Space Marine surrounded by
Orks. It looks like he's winning.
'The Emperor first started
this, one of the Emperor's most incredible achievements, the
creation of the Primarchs, Super-Men, with impossible strength and
great cunning. The Emperor spent many years in the creation of these,
changing genetic information to create them. Each one is a legend in
himself. Not only are they extraordinary strong and smart but they
can use powers of the Warp, a sub-corporal space where the souls of
animals and plants are drawn into, to change the space around them.
'From their genetic material he was able to create the organs
and glands which are needed to make the heroic space marines. They
can go with out sleep for weeks, eat parts of their enemies to get
their memories and even spit acid!
'The Primarchs and their
Space Marine legions still fight to this day, fighting for the glory
of the Emperor!'
McEarvin had by now walked up to some blinds
over a window. When he opened them, there was a battle going on
outside. It was poorly done CGI.
'And for now, my young
companions, I must go and fight the enemies of the Emperor and
Mankind. Go and watch my next vid-pict, "Eldar – the pointy-eared
snobs of the universe"!'
And with that he jumps out the
window, breaking some pieces off the wall, shouting commands at the
"battle".
The screens turns to blank with "Filmed at Terra
and on location. Made for the schools of the universe. Don't do
combat drugs." written in the same gothic font as at the beginning.
As Marlus selected another pic-vid disk, he wondered what was
happening at Istvaan III, at the moment...
"Pretty,
pretty please?' Horus begged, kneeling with the plams of his hands
placed together. 'Join me with the Chaos Gods?'
'For the
last time, Brother, no!' answered Fulgrim, angry. 'We're going
to go back to Terra and you're going to apolgise to Father.'
Horus stood up, crossed his arms, which is very hard to do in
Terminator Armour, and pouted.
'No.' he said, sulkily. 'Don't
wanna, not gonna.'
'Look, I know you and Father have had
problems lately, put it's nothing a bit of timeshare can't solve
and think of what this is doing to poor Alpharius.' He pointed
towards the only other Space Marine in the room, Alpharius who was
waiting for Horus to resume the game of Risk they were playing. He
was sucking a lollypop.
'This isn't the best example for
him.' Fulgrim pointed out. Horus looked down, crest fallen.
'I
don't want to go back. Rogal is his favourite and he pays more
attention to Roboute than me...' Horus broke out crying.
'Oh,
there, there.' Fulgrim comforted Horus, patting him on the back.
'Let it all out. I'll talk to Father about this, and I'll make
sure he knows.'
Alpharius looked up at them.
'So are we
going back, Uncle Horus?' He asked.
Horus sniffed.
'Yeah,
I guess so...'
'WHAT?'
Khorne stared at the room from the Warp. The Chaos god of war
turned towards Nurgle, the Chaos god of pestilence. 'WHAT IN THE
NAMES OF HELL IS HAPPENING?' He bellowed. Being a god of War, he
was naturally loud, angry and bemused. His form in the Warp was that
of a Brooding King, sitting on a throne of skulls, a board sword in
his hands.
'I'm am not sure, Khorne...' Nurgle turned his
form towards the portal which was allowing sight into the real world.
Since he was a god of pestilence his current from was an E. Coli
bacterium. 'He is caving in!'
'What's ing happening,
brothers?' Hissed Slaneesh, the Chaos god of pleasure. He was
basically the Chaos god of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll so had taken
the form of a rock star, wasted from drugs. 'What the is it?'
'I THOUGHT WE HAD DISCUSSED WITH HIM ABOUT THE UNNECESSARY
SWEARING?'
'We did.' Nurgle said, turning to Slanesh and
giving him as much as a glare that E. Coli can.
'Alright, I'm
ing sorry- Oh, I said - !'
Khorne and Nurgle
moved away from Slaneesh, or as much as you could in a place which
technically had no space, and went to find Tzeentch.
'Oh,
hello!' Tzeentch said, when he saw them. He was the Chaos god of
Change and to represent this, his form merged and changed with other
ones. In the conversation his form changed from a burning tree, a
talking snake and a bucket and spade set.
'HORUS IS GIVING UP!'
Khorne said.
'He has just started crying and agreed to go back
to Terra with that Fulgrim.' Nurgle said grimly. He had now change
his form to a Streptococcus.
'Nothing is hopeless. Just take
Fulgrim, and Horus shall fall next.'
With the new found
information they went back to the portal. Slaneesh was still swearing
violently.
'Which of us would Fulgrim fall to?' He asked.
'He's too clean for me...'
'AND HE IS TOO PEACE-LOVING
FOR ME!' Khorne declared, thrusting his sword into the air.
'Don't
do that.'
'WHY?'
'It makes you look like a twat.'
'Not much difference, then... he, he he.' Said Tzeentch, his
voice echoing.
Nurgle and Khorne turned towards Tzeentch. He took
the form of something with an eyebrow and raised it.
'I've
already done Magnus.'
They all turned towards the convulsing
Slaneesh.
'CAN WE TRUST HIM NOT TO MAKE AN ARSE-UP OF IT?'
'No, but let's try anyway.'
Fulgrim
sat in Horus' room. It was ok... if you ignored the horrid décor,
the clashing colours and the Chaos Symbols. The symbols didn't
bother Fulgrim much, but red with black and grey? Ugh.
'Is
any-ing-one there?' Asked a voice.
'Who is that?'
'... I'm... umm... ... ah, your conscience!'
Slaneesh said, triumphal.
'I thought it wouldn't swear so
much... and is that Black Sabbath in the background?'
'IT'S LOOKING GOOD!' Said Khorne.
'Lord Marlus, we are nearly there.' A Navy Officer confirmed .
'ERM...
NOT SO GOOD!'
'Argh, they'll ruin everything! Do something,
Tzeentch!'
Tzeentch sighed.
'Do this, Tzeentch, do
that...' Said the Bucket and Spade, as it changed and disappeared.
In the
Warp, clouds appeared and formed sinister shapes.
An officer
looked at a screen and saw the form of the cloud which was going to
encircle the fleet.
'Argh!' He screamed and ran towards the
door. The Space Marine in there grabbed him and head butted him.
'Make evasive procedures!' The Power-armoured giant demanded.
All the ships had seen it, but panic struck Obliviscaris and was
slow to make action.
Marlus stood up from his seat, staring into
the screen.
'This can't be good.' He said, shaking his
head.
Much of the normal human crew had fled for the escape pods
in terror. Many of them had got away before the massive cloud, shaped
like a rubber duck, had swallowed the Obliviscaris and half a dozen
escorts.
'HAH!
HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES, HEY?'
'Don't do that, either.'
Tzeentch reappeared, haven taken the same shape as the cloud and
watched Slaneesh corrupt Fulgrim.
This
fan-fiction is completely unofficial and in no way endorsed by Games
Workshop Limited.
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Emperor's Grandchildren and all associated marks, names characters, illustrations and images are © James H (Except for the ones already © Games Workshop). This was downloaded from www.emperors-grandchildren.tk, the official website for the Emperor's Grandchildren Space Marines.
