A parody in the far, war torn future of the 41st Millennium
WARNING: This Chapter of this story has major bits of speech which is written in "leet speak". Please either find some one who is fluent in "leet speak" to translate it for you or find a translator on the internet if you don't understand "leet speak". I apologise for this inconvenience but it is necessary for the purpose of humour for those who will understand it.
Fit the Second
The observing craft on the outskirts of the Reabe system saw the Battle Barge Obliviscaris emerge out of the Warp. Warp travel, being uncertain at best, is often unpredictable and this was often shown by how ships came out of the Warp. Sometimes it would be really dramatic with space bending into a cone, which could only be seen against the black backdrop of space because of the light of stars being bent, and the vessel would sort of stretch out of the portal and resume normal shape. Other times a ship just appeared, out of the blue. The Battle Barge did the former, stretching out of a cone of Space/Time Continuum and shaking a little bit like jelly. An automatic system recorded the appearance of the ship, although the crew had other things on their minds...
On the
Obliviscaris a helmsman climbed back on to his swivel chair
and checked the ships system.
'Navigation,
down. Weapons, down.' he said, reading data off a computer screen.
The lights turned off. 'Lighting, down.' he added.
'Right,
lets-argh!' a voice of a ship officer called out. 'Who's
touching my leg?'
'Who's
that?'
'Me.'
'Who?'
'Me!'
'Who's
"me"?'
'Umm...
you are?'
The lights
turned back on.
'Get off
me, Jenkins!'
'Sorry,
sir.'
The rough,
short ride through the Warp had thrown everyone off their feet except
for Captain Marlus, thirty second Captain of the Emperor's
Children, and Captain of the Walkies. All the better titles had been
taken up by the thirty one Captains before him.
Marlus,
being the only one with enough sense to sit in a chair with a safety
belt, sat up and help Battle Brother Ialyte get
his helmeted head out of a waste paper bin.
'Emperor's
Airbag,' Brother Daler cursed as he hit his
head on a console while getting up. 'Where are we?'
Jenkins,
one of the crew, tapped a few keys on an interface. The screen lit up
and showed the surrounding vastness of space, and the observing
station.
'Right,'
said Marlus. 'Make contact. I'll board it and find out where we
are. Are any of navigators still alive? Any astropaths?'
'I
don't know, sir. Communications around the ship are out, as well.'
'Well,
what's in?'
'Erm...
I can get some mood lighting and music.'
He
pressed a button. Red, green and purple spot lights switched on and
illuminated the floor. Soothing music came from various speakers on
the deck.
'Not
helpful, Jenkins.'
'Sorry,
sir. Erm, sir?'
'What?'
Marlus snapped.
Jenkins
pointed to Marlus' Terminator armour. The uniform colour of the
Emperor's Children is purple with gold edging. All the Space
Marine's armour had changed colour, from purple to pink.
A
boarding craft launched from the Obliviscaris and into
the docking bays of the station. Marlus strode out of the craft,
along with 5 other Tactical Dreadnought armoured Marines. Marlus was
still peeved about the colour change.
'Alright,
we go in, ask for directions and then get back into the ship, right?'
'Yes,
sir' His retinue droned.
They
walked up to one of those circler doors which open with one half
going up, and the other going down.
Except
this one didn't open when their approached it. They waited.
'0ut 0f
my wy, f338le w0r5h1p3r5 0f t3h c0rp53 90)!' Fakanthulau,
Chaos Lieutenant of the Iron Warriors, shouted as he crushed an
imperial guardsman with his power fist.
'/\/008!'
He screamed as he vaporised another with his plasma pistol.
The
over-two hundred of the ship's crew were being slaughtered by the
sudden attack by the Iron Warriors. The Iron Warrior's Cruiser,
called "/$+r c-13f", had appeared out of the warp,
unleashed a small ship containing Fakanthulau and 20 other Chaos
Space Marines and then merged back into the Warp in a suitably
mysterious way. Hey, they're Chaos and style is everything to them.
A Chaos
Space Marine saluted. Fakanthulau looked up from shaking a man up and
down.
'\/\/-47?'
Fakanthulau asked. He was nine-foot tall, wearing power armour which
had chevrons covering most of the surface. Due to the design of the
chevrons it would make you feel ill if you were to look at them while
walking by, a bit like one of those spirally black and white circles.
Two steel-coloured horns adorned his helmet. The combination of his
height and the length of the horns led to them scratching gashes
across the ceiling.The
traitor Space Marine took a deep breath.
'The
feeble, weak willed, really stupid, followers of the false and dead
corpse go-'
'Y35,
y3$, 93t 0/\/ \/\/1+- 1t!' Fakanthulau said, irritated. Insulting
the Emperor was the basics of Chaos Space Marine lingo, but sometimes
the younger ones got carried away.
'We've
got complete control of the craft, sir.'
Fakanthulau's
dark-silver helmet hid his beaming smile. He turned around suddenly,
causing several Marines watching to have epileptic shocks and fall to
the floor, and threw his hands up to part of a control panel.
'\/\/33!'
He shouted. '/\/3\/\+0y!'
The Marine
who informed him was quick enough to close his eyes but when he
opened them he saw, along with wrenching Marines trying to get their
helmets off, Fakanthulau rubbing his helmet and chest over the
machine, possibly hugging it, and shouting '/\/\1/\/3, ll /\/\1/\/3!'. His armour pressed some of the buttons on the counter
thus setting the sprinklers off. Also, the words "Missile Launched"
appeared on the screen.
'What
does that mean?' The Marine shouted over the fire alarms and the
spraying water.
Fakanthulau
looked up.
'0pp$...'
If
one of the Emperor's Children Marines were looking out of a window
they would have seen a missile, capable of destroying large cities,
launch out of the Space Station and hit the Obliviscaris.
Since it was a Battle Barge, one of the most deadly and toughest of
Ships the Imperium has to offer, it did little more than to scratch
the paint work. In fact, it was only when an officer on the
Obliviscaris turned a bored eye to a screen he had noticed
that something had hit the Obliviscaris.
Marlus'
vox set crackled into life.
'What?'
He asked. 'Yeah... what!'
The other
Terminators with him turned around, except for one which was picking
his teeth with his lightning claws.
'Did
they? Son of a-!'
Marlus
looked up angrily.
'They
damn well gone and scratched the paint work of the Obliviscaris!'
Marlus
pointed to the lightning-clawed Marine.
'Take
that door down, Memustithia, I'm damn
well gonna beat the crap out of the commander of this vessel.'
Memustithia
flicked a switch on each claw, making them purr into life, and cut a
hole large enough to walk through into the door.
'Warning, a door to the docking bays has been breached by possible heavily armed enemies. Have a nice day.' The speakers around the ship droned in an artificial female voice.
'Y0u,'
Fakanthulau ordered a squad of Iron Warriors. '90 4/\/) 5341 0ff +-3
ex1+$, \/\/4r/\/ t-3 9Ur)5 \/\/-0 4r3 $+4/\/)1/\/9 by +h3M 4/\/) R3I/\/fORC3
+h3M!'
The
traitor Space Marines looked around at each other. One of
Fakanthulau's gifts from the Chaos Gods was the ability to talk in
a strange, sacred language to the machine side of the Chaos Gods.
They looked to the leader of the squad for help. He was mumbling what
Fakanthulau had said under his breath, trying to figure it out.
'-Plus
symbol, "h", three and an "m"... ah, right. Come on, follow
me!' He called out to his squad.
The
Emperor's Children group had walked down the corridor and around a
corner when they met an Iron Warrior.
He was 5
feet 11 inches tall, short for a Marine, and had a stubby spike on
either side of his helmet. It seems that with chaos the bigger your
horns are, the more important you are. Or the more important, the
bigger the horns.
'Hey,
halt! Stop! Please?' He called out as the Marines pasted him,
ignoring him. Memustithia turned around to him.
'We're
on a mission for the Emp- Hey, do I know you?' Memustithia asked.
'Umm...
I'm Augoth... wait, aren't you that Memustithia?'
'Yeah!'
Memustithia slapped Augoth on the back. His Lightning Claws were
still on so the Iron Warrrior suffered an electric shock. Memustithia
didn't notice. 'Hey, remember on Ofoelae 4 when our Legions took
on those Eldar?'
'Yeah,
we showed those snobs who is boss of the universe didn't we?'
'Heh,
yeah, we did. Tell you what, next time either of us get called to
fight them, we'll contact each other-'
'What do
you mean? We don't do that work anymore, remember?'
Marlus
walked up to him. It was really more of a plod as he was in his
Terminator Armour. His shadow engulfed Augoth.
'What do
you mean?' he asked.
'Erm...
don't you remember? When our legions joined Horus-'
Marlus'
eyes widened.
'Our
legions did what?' Marlus exclaimed.
'Erm...
joined Horus. He showed us the error of our ways and that the Emperor
was weak-'
One of the
Terminators launched at Augoth, two of them held him back and two,
along with Marlus, just stood there, mouths wide open.
'Khorne's
left nostril!' Augoth shouted as he was fallen by a punch that
managed to connect.
'Legion...
betrayed... Emperor...' Marlus was mumbling, staring wide eyed into
the distance.
'It's
the year seven hundred and thirty-one, if that's any help.'
It wasn't.
Marlus' hands moved to on either side of his head in shock.
'SEVEN
HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE?' he shouted. 'We must have gone about
four hundred to five hundred years into the future!'
'... In
the fourty first Millennium.' Augoth added.
'Die,
followers of the false Emperor!' an Iron Warrior shouted as he
jumped around a corner and pointed his bolter at them. It barked as
it fired a bolt-round at them. Augoth ducked as the bullet ricocheted
off Marlus' armour and bounced around the corridor, back to where
the Iron Warrior was. He dived as the round finally detonated behind
him. Several more Iron Warriors came into view behind him. Marlus
raised his storm-bolter.
If the
Warrior's bolter had barked, then Marlus' storm-bolter sounded
like the primordial bawl of a creature older than time. Warrior was
thrown back as the round exploded his chest.
Marlus
delved into his memory for the most insulting thing he could call
them. His mind went back to his psychology training, where he was
made to love the Emperor and hate all else. His mind went back to his
scout training; where his sergeant could turn the air blue with just
the word "Damn". His mind went back to his home planet, where he
had lived in a cave until he was ten standard years old, where life
and death were balanced on a pin-point.
He took a
deep breath.
'You
unpleasant people!' He screamed as he pulled the trigger again and
again, devastating the Warriors, their rounds exploding harmlessly on
his armour.
His
retinue followed suit and raised their weapons as well.
More and
more Chaos Space Marines of the Iron Warriors chapter came rushing
into the tightly packed corridor, more and more getting cut down by
the merciless rounds of the storm bolters. Well, of course they're
merciless! They're bits of metal!
The
clicking of empty round clips signalled that their ammunition had ran
out, except for Marlus' who had his finger curled around the
trigger, but not touching it. A single Iron Warrior was still alive,
reaching for his own bolter which was still in its clip on his hip.
He paused, his helmet masking his face contorted in worry.
'I know
what you're thinking.' Marlus said, lifting his gun up suddenly as
the Iron Warrior's hand moved down another inch. '"Did he
fire 30 shots or only 29?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all
this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a
.75 Storm Bolter, the most powerful hand gun in the universe, and
would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a
question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?'
The Chaos
Marine's hand started shaking.
'Well,'
Marlus said, licking his lips. 'Let's find out.'
He pressed
the trigger. There was the click of the gun firing an empty chamber.
Then there
was the whine of gyros and gears of the balancing system of the Chaos
Space Marines power armour under stress as he slowly fell backwards
and fainted, clattering on the bodies of his dead comrades.
'\/\/-4+'$
g0iN9 0N?' Fakanthulau demanded. He was with
his body guard of 5 veterans in the main control room. The sprinklers
had made use of the control panel difficult, and no one was replying
to what he was sending through the Vox-sets. His men replied with the
shrugging of shoulders. There was a buzzing as their massive shoulder
plates moved up and down on pistons.He sighed.
'1f yoU'\/E g0+O Do
$0\/e+-In9 r1g-7, Y0u'\/e GO+0 )O 1+ your53lf!' Fakanthulau said. He turned around quickly, one of his
men not being quick enough to close his eyes and thus bent over due
to the nauseating chevron patterns on Fakanthulau armour, and walked
towards the corridor leading to the intruders.
'Five,
three, one, "f"... Ok, we're going to kill the trespassers
ourselves.' The Sergeant of the squad said to the 3 other Marines
and they followed Fakanthulau. The forth one slowly got up and
stumbled after them.
Also,
Marlus and his retinue were looking for the commanders of the ship
and thus would at some point go down the same corridor as the Iron
Warriors are going to. As this would be the most likely event to
happen, I'm telling you about it since there's no point about
trying to keep suspense.Brother
Ialyte was twiddling with his MP3 player, his gauntleted hands
dwarfing the tiny machine. The lead to the headphones disappeared
below his helmet. He set it to Cliff Richard's latest Candlemas
release, which was an old Terra song done to the rhythm of a prayer
to the Emperor. The whole universe nearly went to civil war about it,
the people who wanted Cliff Richard drawn and quartered against the
people who just wanted him dead. Rumour had it that the song was
written by Horus and was part of his devious plan.
'-forgive
our sins, as we forgive each one of those who sins against-' the
song went before Ialyte stopped it. The song
done what he wanted it to, feel him with utter rage.
'Let's
go and kill those son of a-' He shouted.
'Emperor's
left foot!' Marlus cursed. 'Stop listening to those old Cliff
Richard songs! They're meant to be used as psychological warfare on
our enemies!'
Ialyte
looked down at his feet.
' 'rry,
Captain.' He mumbled.
'Ph33z3,
f1l3 5cu/\/\ 0f 7-3 c0rp53 3/\/\p3r0r!' a malevolent voice
shouted. Fakanthulau jumped out from behind a corner, rather lightly
for a Space Marine.
Marlus
turned towards the newcomer. He looked him up and down. He saw the 9
foot of harden Space Marine veteran. He saw the plasma pistol and the
power fist. He saw the horns and the scratches in the ceiling which
they had left behind.
'Fakanthulau.'
he said a grim frown on his face.
'/\/\r1u$.'
Fakanthulau said, giving Marlus a slight nod of his head.
'How
long has it been?' Marlus asked.
'48OU+
319-7 7-0u54/) 4N) f1f7y-O/\/e Y34r$, 1 +-ink.'
'How
did you know that?' Augoth asked.
Marlus
lifted up his hand and pointed to Fakanthulau's power fist.
'Who
else of the Iron Warriors has a Castration Device in their power
fist?'
As
if on queue, a small, jawed, pipe came out of the palm of the power
fist and disappeared again.
'Oh.'
Fakanthulau
looked towards one of the Terminators. Augoth was looking out
from behind one of them.
'01,
u907-, 937 -3r3 /\/0\/\!'
'He is
under our protection now. We are planning to get him back to the
light of the Emperor.' Said Marlus, stepping forward. 'If you
want to stop us, try.'
The threat
hung in the open air. It lingered in the air like a... a... big
lingering thing which lingers in air.
Fakanthulau
stepped forward, his fist opened, his armour's gears whirring and
his horns squeaking as they dragged across the ceiling.
'Instruo
futurus castro!' He shouted. He then promptly turned around and ran
back down the corridor, knocking down the Chaos Space Marines behind
him and sending sparks falling from the ceiling. The other Chaos
Marine quickly followed him.
Marlus was
caught off guard for a second, watching with shock as the enemy ran
away. He got his sense back and ordered his men to follow. He loaded
another clip into his storm bolter.
'Ru/\,
j00 f0015!' Fakanthulau shouted as they got nearer the escape pods.
Steadily, the 5 Chaos Space Marines out ran him. They were in a pod
by the time he passed the last corner to them. Marlus and the other
Emperor's Children were close on his tail.
'533 j00
1+3r!' He shouted as he stood at the entrance to the pod. The
Emperor's Children were still 60 feet away from him at the other
end of the room. Fakanthulau turned around to enter the pod, but hit
his head on the door, misjudging his size against the pod. He was
able to jump inside and make the doors close, but not after Marlus
managed to shot him in the rear. The capsule closed, Fakanthulau
cursing violently inside. There was a "Throosh" and the capsule
was gone.
'Nuts.'
Marlus cursed.
They used
the main computer to find out where they were and entered the ship's
log. They watched how the ship was taken over.
At first
there was just static, evidence that the ship was under attack or
something had damaged the systems. It showed that very command room.
'What
happen?' Some one said. He look some what important, probably the
captain of the ship. Something caught Ialyte's eye in the room. An
arm poking out from under a table had the same cuffs as the man on
the screen.
'Somebody
set us up the bomb!' A tech-priest answered. Ialyte turned around
and, yes, the tech-priest was over there. Over there, too. Also a bit
over there, near a door.
'We get
signal.' A man sat at a computer panel said.
'What!'
Shouted the captain.
'Main
screen turn on.' The man commanded. A figure appeared over the
holo-pic generator.
'How
are you gentlemen.' It said. It wasn't a question. 'All your
base are belong to us.'
Marlus
didn't bother to continue watching this. He had seen countless
scenes like this, all of them often with the same poor grammar.
'Bloody
Guard.' Marlus thought. 'They can barely string a comprehensible
sentence together.''Right,
let's get ready to-' He said, before the screen flickered one
again.
'How are
you gentlemen?' A voice asked. But this time it was female. This
time it was a question. This time it was an Inquisitor of Ordo
Hereticus. Of course the Ordos were made after the heresy, so Marlus'
reaction was:
'Who the
hell are you?'
NEXT TIME: The ORDO HERETICUS AND MORE... Maybe...
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