A parody in the far, war torn future of the 41st Millennium
Fit the Third'I am
Inquisitor Josephine Aguilar, and you are a Heretic. Surrender
immediately and you may be spared the Emperor's Mer-'
Marlus
sighed. He was at the controls of a space station on the outskirts of
the Reabe System, along with 5 Terminators and a worried recently
turn coated Iron Warrior.
'Look,
let me talk this over with Fulgrim. I'll-'
The
Inquisitor laughed a hollow, short laugh. She was dark-skinned, her
thin black hair tied into a tight bun behind her head. She wore her
inquisitorial roseate at her throat.
'I laugh
a short, hallow laugh at you, Heretic. You can not talk to your evil
kin-'
'Oi!
I'll tell him you said that.' Marlus shouted, angrily, pointing
at the screen. 'I'm good mates with Ferrus, too. He'll give you
a-'
'I know
not what you are talking about.' Inquisitor Aguilar spat at Marlus.
'Fulgrim ran to the Eye of Terror along with the other traitor
Emperor's Children-'
Marlus
turned around on his swivel chair. He applied too much force and thus
went the full way round before stopping facing Augoth, the worried,
recently turn coated Iron Warrior.
'You
didn't tell me that!'
'W-w-well,'
Augoth stuttered 'there's a lot I haven't been able to tell
you-'
'What,
like Roboute Guilliman is in stasis, Corax has disappeared and all
that is left of Rogal Dorn is his hands which has left the Imperial
Fists taking part in strange rituals in which they burn off their
flesh on their hands and write names on them?' Marlus said
sarcastically, thinking of the most absurd things he could think of.
'How did you know?'
Marlus' eyes went wide in astonishment.
'All
that has really happened?'
Augoth
nodded. Marlus tried to laugh.
'And,
what, the Dark Angels are wearing dresse-' He stopped. 'They are,
aren't they?' He said flatly.
'Excuse
me, if I'm not being rude,' the speakers of the control panel
crackled. 'but I'm the Inquisitor here and I demand some
respect!'
'Alright,
alright' Marlus muttered, turning his swivel chair back around.
In her
frustration, a strand of hair had fallen out of Inquisitor Aguilar's
bun. She pushed it back.
'I have
boarded your ship and your men and crew I have imprisoned. Those who
showed resistance have been dealt and-'
She was
interrupted by a cry. A seven foot tall Marine in pink and gold
armour pushed past her. The next thing to go across the screen Marlus
was watching was a scantly clad woman, welding a ridiculously big
chain sword.
'Come
back here, you wuss!' She screamed.
'Keep
that psycho away from me!' was the answering shout.
Inquisitor
Aguilar groaned and turned back towards Marlus.
'Anyway,
come back to the ship or I'll have to send some troops over to
capture you... Erm... you disgusting heretic and traitor of the
Emperor.' She added lazily, realising that she wasn't being mean
enough.
Augoth
explained the Inquisition on the shuttle back the Battle Barge
Obliviscaris. It was a small vessel, and thus the Marines were
squashed in. Augoth was practically hidden behind the bulky armour of
the Terminators, and had to push a shoulder plate out of the way as
he explained about the various changes which had happened since
Marlus and his Space Marines had travelled through the Warp.
Asereobaes, a Marine of Marlus' retinue, stared out of one of the
space ships windows and spied the Strike Cruiser of the Sisters of
Battle, docked next to the Obliviscaris. A scratch on the
Battle Barge's paint work was evidence of a missile shot from the
space station while it was, shortly, under the control of the Iron
Warriors. It was still very impressive as it cast its shadow over the
Strike Cruiser.
'Whose
is that?' He asked, interrupting Augoth as he explained that Lord
Karamazov's Throne of Judgement isn't a walking toilet.
'Oh, the
Sisters of Battle. They are the military force of the Ordo Hereticus,
as the Deathwatch is the force of the Alienhunters and the Grey
Knights are that of the Daemonhunters.'
Marlus
started to say something before Augoth interrupted him.
'Although
you're not meant to know about the Grey Knights because of daemons
and stuff, so don't mention them.'
'I
stil-'
'Don't
mention daemons at all, in fact. They don't like people knowing
about them.'
'Ok, but
why all this secrecy?'
'I don't
know. I guess the system isn't as efficient now. I mean, look at
me. I've been around for over 10,000 years and I've still haven't
been killed.'
There was
nodding and murmuring from the riders of the shuttle.
Marlus ducked through the entry-gate from the shuttle and onto the Obliviscaris. He was met by a squad of 10 Celestians, who signalled for him to follow them. Augoth and Marlus' retinue followed. They walked to the control room of the ship, passing various members of the crew and Space Marines who were being chased by more of those women with over-sized chain swords who, in turn, were quickly followed by a Sister of Battle, armed with a whip, who was trying to stop the chase. The Celestians just walked on, as if nothing was happening, and Marlus, Augoth, and the Terminators just gave looks at each other and followed the Celestians.
Only
Augoth and Marlus were allowed into the control room. The Sisters of
Battle had replaced the crew with surplus members of their own
vessel. A crew man briefly talked with a figure in the middle of the
room before going back to his seat and typing something into the
computer. The figure turned around, revealing that she was Inquisitor
Aguilar. She was obviously flustered
'How, in
the name of the Emperor, have been able to set this vessel up like
this?' She asked, frowning.
Marlus
looked at her in bewilderment, an eyebrow raised.
'Like
what?'
She
pointed at the computer the banks.
'All
these are saying that the date is before the Heresy!'
She
stamped her foot and her arms fell to her sides as she huffed.
'I mean,
the operating system-'
A loud
siren interrupted her.
'Self
destruction in twenty seconds and counting.' An artificial voice
called out.
Everyone
in the room stood up to run out or started trying to stop the count
down. Except Marlus.
'Fifteen
seconds and counting.'
'Argh!'
Inquisitor Aguilar screamed. 'It's a trap!'
Augoth
grabbed onto Marlus.
'Ten
seconds and counting.'
Marlus
plodded over to a computer bank, Augoth still hanging on his leg.
'Five
seconds and counting.'
He kicked
it, leaving a large dent in its casing. The countdown voice slurred
to a stop. The lights cut out and then, one by one, switched back on.
'Sorry,'
Marlus called out. 'It does that sometimes. It's a problem we've
never been able to sort out since she rammed an Eldar cruiser-type
ship.'
'She?'
Inquisitor Aguilar asked.
'The
ship.' Marlus said flatly. 'You know how a ship is referred to as
"she", right.'
'Oh,
right.' She put another strand of hair back into its bun. She
cleared her throat and pulled herself together. Augoth stood up and
brushed himself off.
'You are
here because I declare you a heretic.' She held out a scroll, which
Marlus took and read. She switched to High Gothic.
'Captain
Marlus, of the Emperor's Children, in fealty to the God-Emperor,
our undying lord, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, in the name
of the Ordo Hereticus and the Inquisition, I call thee diabolus and
in the testimony of thy crimes, I submit this carta. May Imperial
justice-'
'What
are you doing?' Marlus asked, rolling the scroll back up.
'I'm
declaring you a heretic. You have to talk in High Gothic to do it
properly.'
'You
aren't talking High Gothic.'
'Yes I
am!'
'No,
you're just saying "thy" and "thee" a lot.'
Inquisitor
Aguilar looked down at her feet and mumbled something.
'What
was that?' Marlus asked.
'I
didn't finish "High Gothic 101".'
She looked
back up.
'That
doesn't matter.' She said. 'You are a heretic, take him-'
'No, I'm
not.'
'Yes,
you are.'
'I'm
not.'
'You
are.'
'Not!'
'Are!'
'Not!'
'Are!'
'Not!'
Inquisitor
Aguilar paused, as she could see that this wasn't getting anywhere.
'Then
why are you walking around with this Iron Warrior?' She pointed to
Augoth.
'Well,
he seems okay to me.' He slapped Augoth's back, a little too
hard. Augoth fell to the floor.
'Sorry.'
Marlus mumbled, as he helped Augoth back up.
He looked
back up to the Inquisitor.
'Anyway,
we are still loyal to the Emperor. No matter what you've heard.'
'What?'
Inquisitor Aguilar shouted. 'You wear the symbols of a Traitor
Legion and you wear the colours, even though you have the slightly
altered pre-heresy colours!'
'So thus
we are from before the heresy and weren't effected by Horus.'
Marlus pointed out.
'Except
him,' he pointed to Augoth. 'but he's alright.'
'And I
wasn't even at the Siege of Terra, honest.' Augoth said, hiding
behind Marlus.
The crew
started coming back into the room again, followed by Sisters of
Battle. They pointed their bolters at Marlus and Augoth.
Inquisitor
Aguilar had turned her back to them.
'Put
them down.' She ordered. She turned back round to Marlus, her hand
on her chin.
'You are
still loyal to the Emperor and the Golden Throne?'
'Yes.'
Marlus answered. Augoth nodded furiously, trying to stay behind
Marlus and out of the firing line of both Inquisitor Aguilar and the
Sisters of Battle.
'I have
a task for you to prove it, then. Fakanthulau
is in fact the second in command to a higher Chaos Lord. We need a
Space Marine force to tackle a fortress they have built on a world, a
day or two of warp travel from here. You and your Marines will make
up that force if you want to be forgiven.'
'Forgiven
for what?' Marlus asked, but Inquisitor Aguilar shot him an
annoyed glance. He raised his hands.
'All
right, all right.' He sighed. 'What men can I use?'
'We've
gathered your Marines in the Drop Pod area of the Ship. Follow me.'
In the
loading area of the Drop Pods, the forces of the still loyal
Emperor's Children had gathered. Marlus saw the damaged the Warp
Storm had done; many of his Marines had fallen into a sort of coma,
as he saw one of Inquisitor Aguilar's medics try slapping a
sleeping Marine's face as all other methods had failed. To the
medic's surprise, the Marine work up with a start.'Wha'
happened?' He asked, his speech slurred with tiredness.
As Marlus
and Inquisitor Aguilar walked down the path of destruction they saw a
Space Marine trying to start his bike up with some quickly thrown
together jumper-cables and a Dreadnought re-enacting "I'm A
Little Teapot".
'I'm a
little teapot, short and stout.' its ancient voice intoned.
'Here's
my handle.' The ground shook as it hopped and lifted its
las-cannon.
'Here's
my spout.' Its close combat weapon lifted up and it hopped again. A
Space Marine Scout lost his footing while walking nearby.
Several
tech-priests were struggling with the massive beast of a machine. One
of them was holding onto the "spout", his legs flailing several
metres from the floor.
'-pick
me and pour me out.' The Dreadnought leaned over, the priest
falling from the "spout" with a shout.
A land
speeder's Anti-Grav Engine had been altered some how during the
Warp travel. Several figures, both tech-priest, Marine and Sister of
Battle, were trying to get it down from the ceiling. One of them was
prodding the dash board with the handle of a broom.
'Right,
I've seen enough.' Marlus growled. His once perfect Space Marines
have been seriously damaged. 'Gather all my men who are fit for
battle.'
The room
the strategists were in was dimmed, a green light coming from a
holo-pict generator. It was currently showing a picture of the world
the Iron Warriors had taken.
'Servitor,
focus onto the heretic fortress.' Inquisitor Aguilar commanded.
The
picture zoomed closer to the planet and the fortress became visible.
Everyone in the room gasped. Except Marlus and Augoth.
Marlus
whistled.
'It's
only a model.' Augoth mumbled.
The
fortress was, for want of a better word, huge. In fact, it was bigger
than huge. It spanned an entire continent. The black, spiked wall
reached out across the world, a blotch on a once beautiful place. The
rest of the world was covered in thick, multi coloured fumes, huge
quarries pitting the landscape. The curves of the walls marched
relentlessly across plains and mountains. It was miles of killing
ground.
'Do you
think the Chaos Lord is compensating for something?' Augoth
chuckled. When no one else laughed, he cleared his throat.
'Wait,
wait.' Marlus called out to a tech-priest, who was at the controls
of the holo-pict generator. 'Pull out a bit. I want to see the
whole of it as close as you can.
The
tech-priest looked up to Aguilar. She nodded, grimly. The priest
turned to his computer screen and the picture pulled out.
The
kilometres of vast, black, sharp metal twisted and turned across the
world. Through mountains and across the few lakes that hadn't been
emptied it continued.
It spelled
out "Up yours" in mile long letters, joint up letters.
'This is
just the part of the fortress above the ground. We're sure of a
vast citadel beneath the ground. We think it may even spell out
another two sentences.' said Inquisitor Aguilar.
'How
would we get in?' Marlus asked. A tactician, an elderly man with
robotic legs, a robotic arm and a machine strap to his chest which
printed out page upon page of green and white papers covered with
ones and zeroes, turned to him.
'Well,
there are heavy weapon supports every 10 yards, on the hour every
hour shift changes, sensor alarms which sense unknown life forms-'
'I'll
rephrase that,' Marlus interrupted. 'How can we get in?'
'There's
an unlocked back door at the tip of the "r".' The tactician
pointed the fortress and the view swirled. Got to ground level,
travelled around the perimeter of the citadel and stopped once it got
to a section of wall with an old wooden door on rusting hinges.
'Thank
you. Can we get some sort of cannon fodder- I mean, Imperial Guard
force to distract them while we sneak into the back?'
Inquisitor
Aguilar sighed.
'You
really are the "brave" astartes, aren't you'
'Just
doing my job, mam.'
Marlus and
Augoth walked down to the Drop Pod loading area. It had been cleared
of all the men who would be useless in battle. A little over two
hundred were ready for planet fall. Marlus called out for his second
in command.
'Veteran
Sergeant Gopha,' He called out.
'Right
here, sir.' Said a voice beside him.
Marlus
turned to his left.
'Apologises,
I didn't realised it was you-' Marlus stopped.
Gopha was
seven feet tall. He towered over his fellow Marines, even though he
was just armoured in power armour, and had shot up the command
structure to his great strength and courage.
'You
have a-a-' Marlus stuttered.
Gopha held
his storm bolter under his shoulder, his power sword in its scabbard.
'Erm...
your... bionic?' Marlus guessed.
Gopha's
already considerable chin had an extra centimetre of metal plating on
it.
'What
about it?' He asked. Even without terminator armour, he was as tall
as Marlus.
'Oh,
nothing,' Marlus shook his head. 'Nothing is wrong.'
He turned
around to his troops again.
'All
right, men-'
'NINJAS
STRIKE IN THE NIGHT!' A voice screamed out.
Marlus
ducked as several blurs blazed past him, several of them in the air
or bouncing nimbly off walls.
'NINJAS
HALT!' Shouted the blur that seemed to be leading them.
'Oh,
Emperor's Teeth,' Marlus swore.
As the
vibrating of the "ninjas" slowed down, their pink and gold scout
armour could be seen and they identified as Space Marines Scouts.
'I
thought we sorted out this problem out.' Gopha said.
The scouts
looked around themselves, raised in martial poses, knifes held in
hands. Marlus looked at the assembled over-stimulated scouts.
'Where's
your sergeant?' He asked.
At that
moment Scout Sergeant Kuramoto decided to drop down from the ceiling
he was some how hanging onto. He lightly landed on the floor, barely
making a sound, in front of Marlus.
'At your
service, my lord.' He said bowing deep.
'No more
ancient Terra vid-picts for you.' Marlus commented, casually
pointing at him.
'Aww.'
Kuramoto moaned. He slouched and walked to his squad.
'And get
all the Sergeants to report to me for pre-battle meeting. If you do
it quick enough, I'm sure I can get some of these "Jackie Chan"
vid-picts from a dealer I know.' Marlus called after him.
At that
Kuramoto took off to command his scouts. They soon disappeared into
the crowd of Space Marines, many of the Space Marines ducking to
floor as the scouts whizzed pass.
'Sonva-!'
Gopha shouted as one passed over his head. Marlus turned to an
Autosavant given to him by Inquisitor Aguilar.
'Reduce
the sugar they get in their food.' He said. The savant typed this
in a handheld computer.
The
sergeants started gathering around them. Gopha looked around.
'Where
is Linux?' He asked.
'Who?'
Asked Marlus. A sergeant saluted, chain sword in hand, and did
himself a hit to the head.
'Argh!'
He shouted as he hit the ground.
Gopha and
another sergeant leaned down and picked him up again.
'Er,
sir, Tech-priest Linux is tending the Dreadnoughts, sir. He won't
be available for the battle.' The sergeant said when some one had
got a chair for him. Marlus clapped his hands together.
'Alright,
we're going to attack the back door of an impregnable fortress with
no heavy support. I'm sure we did this before. Didn't we attack
an alien world armed with only rubber bands and tooth picks once?'
Everyone
stood and looked thoughtful.
'Was
that the Krug or the Laer?' A Marine shouted from the back.
'Wasn't
it the Kork?'
The army
of Marines broke out in debate of what alien races they had destroyed
in mass genocide.
'Oi!'
Marlus shouted, waving his arms about to bring the room back into
silence. 'Someone go and switch the lights on and off.' Gopha
walked to the light switch and flipped them on and off. The crowd
stopped talking and turned their attention to Marlus.
'Alright,
everybody in the pods. We're attacking traitors of the Emperor so I
want to see a lot of zealous anger and general shouting. Mix some
litanies in to it and call all of 'em heretics. Everybody sure on
what they're doing? Well, let us get going!'
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