Night Wind
Part II – Let the Night Begin
Chapter Twelve: Confidence
Wufei steers clear of the kitchen and his wife's rather creative ranting at being denied a "good-bye" from Yokaze. The sudden and vaguely explained disappearance of the two Yuys had hit everyone hard. Wufei knows Taki had been hoping to spend a bit more time with her best friend before Yokaze had returned to outer space. And he can guess what effect this situation is having on Barton, Maxwell, and the boy.
He shakes his head, wondering. In the courtyard that morning, Barton's threat had carried with it the weight of a man who will defend his lover – and the mother of his children – to the death. It had taken Wufei a moment to realize why Barton had reacted so strongly to something that would hardly result in more than a bruise. But then he'd understood: Yokaze has not yet told him all of her painful secrets.
In the wake of her absence, he is compelled to speculate. Had she finally told him? Had he reacted badly? Or had she run from the truth entirely? Wufei cannot tactfully ask even though his investigative instincts are chaffing at him to do so.
But even as abrupt and unforeseen as Yokaze's disappearance had been, Heero's is even more so. After all, he'd only just arrived. He'd only just seen Maxwell and the boy for the first time in months. Wufei sighs, sensing that something had transpired that had caused Heero's flight as well, but knows it is not his place to ask. He can only make himself available in the hopes that the others will confide in him.
He is passing the small study on his way to the staircase when a movement from within causes him to pause. Abruptly, he changes his destination and wanders into the room. The movement he had sensed had been Quatre rising from the chair seated directly behind a vid phone. Although the executive is now hovering near a window, Wufei is sure of what he'd seen.
"Who were you calling at this hour? I thought we'd covered all the bases earlier today."
At the sound of his voice, Quatre had visibly jumped. Wondering at what the man could have been so engrossed in, Wufei moves to the window as well.
"Hm? Oh, just checking in. The day's just getting started in L4."
Wufei makes a non-committal noise in the back of his throat but says nothing else. He waits, wondering what his troubled friend is thinking, hoping he'll feel the need to confess it.
"It's odd, isn't it?" Quatre finally says.
"What is?" Wufei counters.
"The note and the song. The same message but different mediums."
Wufei feels his eyebrows rise in quiet surprise. "You're not surprised they took off, then?"
Quatre sends him a reproving glance. "Of course I am. We all are."
A long moment of silence follows this. Wufei does not make too much of an effort to hide his skepticism.
"Do you know something that you haven't told us?" Wufei asks with a quiet intensity.
Quatre has the grace to look a little embarrassed. "Um, not really..."
"What is it? Do you know why Heero left?"
Wufei watches Quatre cross his arms over his chest and debate his next words. "No..." he begins hesitantly, "but I think he left that note with one person in mind."
"It wasn't addressed," Wufei points out.
"He didn't want to address it," Quatre counters with a troubled expression. "He didn't want to make the pain more... real."
"You know who it was meant for," Wufei challenges.
Quatre meets his gaze. "I can guess."
Wufei lets out a breath. "So can I."
Another beat of silence comes and goes before Quatre asks, "Should we talk to him about it?"
Wufei snorts. "I doubt it would do any good. The name 'Maxwell' is a euphemism for 'stubborn.'"
A slight grin curves Quatre's mouth. "He'd skin us alive if he knew we could see how much he cares about Heero."
"It was impossible to miss," Wufei mutters.
"Then perhaps it's Heero we should be speaking to."
Wufei sends a sidelong glance in Quatre's direction. "The next time I see him, I'll be happy to inform him of the torch Maxwell carries for him. Until then, there's not much we can do about it."
Quatre nods.
But Wufei notices that the gesture is not as ready as it would normally have been. In fact, that look in Winner's eyes... Wufei waits for him to speak, but in the end they wind up staring out the window until Quatre retreats for the night.
Wufei watches him go and wonders about that look in his eyes. He wonders what Quatre would have said and wonders what could stop a former Gundam pilot from confiding in a fellow comrade. Wonders exactly when Quatre Winner had started keeping secrets from his closest friends.
...ooo...
It's nearly ten o'clock but Duo doesn't bother to try to tuck Jaspien into bed. He doesn't try to reassure him with words of dubious sincerity. He does not attempt to distract him with a story. He sits on the balcony he'd discovered that morning with a sleeping boy draped across his chest and lap and watches the stars crawl across the sky.
A soft wind stirs and Duo tightens his arms around Jaspien softly double checking to make sure the afghan hasn't slumped away from the small form lying so trustingly against the present-day mechanic.
Duo leans his cheek against Jaspien's breeze-tossed hair and sighs. God, when had life become such an obstacle course? When had it started to hurt so much? When had he started acquiring scars on his soul so easily?
He knows that he's mad at Heero for taking off again. Or rather, he knows he will be mad at Heero... right after he manages to stop the gaping, invisible wounds from aching.
"Do you realize what time it is?"
Duo looks up in time to see Trowa slide into the seat next to his. The flat tone of the man's voice disturbs Duo but he knows he's not one to complain. Everyone handles pain differently.
"Is it time for Jell-O?" he quips.
Trowa snorts. "It's always time for Jell-O."
Somehow, the joke sounds even worse with Trowa playing along. Duo hears himself let out a long breath. "Shit."
Trowa waits several heartbeats before responding to that astute observation: "Yeah."
Minutes roll lethargically past in silence that is bloated and aching until Trowa elaborates, "What the hell happened today, Duo?"
For a moment, Duo considers replying with something blunt and mean-spirited, but he swallows the bitterness down at the last moment. "I have no fucking clue, man."
Duo is slightly startled to hear Trowa heave a great – almost moaning – sigh and lean forward until his fingers burrow into his short hair. After a moment of watching the almost tangible anxieties chew at Trowa, Duo bites his lip and reluctantly offers, "I don't get it either... One minute I was standing right here with Heero and it was like none of that crap from C555 had happened. And then... I could kinda see it, you know? He remembered..."
Unable to go on, Duo lapses into silence. Trowa, however, had stopped trying to twist his hair out by the roots and is studying him intently. "Duo?"
Duo's gaze snaps to Trowa's and he feels himself giving Yokaze's lover a sheepish expression. God, he really doesn't want to talk about this...
"Talk to me, Duo."
He battles briefly with the lump in his throat before managing, "Your turn."
Trowa snorts. For a minute, Duo thinks he's actually managed to club the conversation to death. He's very startled when Trowa tells him, "Things have been... off between Yokaze and me for a while. She was hurting and she wouldn't tell me why. But I could see it. First it was just when we were interviewing the kids, but then this last case – when we reunited this little girl and her family – she was in complete agony." Trowa shakes his head. "I thought it was the missions... at first."
"At first?" Duo finds himself saying.
Trowa nods. He then glances at Duo out of the corner of his eye and informs him, "Tag."
Duo almost laughs. Almost. Instead he says, "Heero kissed me. On C555."
"The night you planted the explosives?"
"No... Right before the evacuation."
"And you're thinking it was something done in the heat of the moment."
"Well..." Duo drawls, "it was the first time we'd been back in the field in years."
Trowa shakes his head, disbelieving. This particular reaction prods something else to the forefront of Duo's mind.
"Hey, why aren't you surprised Heero, like, kissed me?"
Trowa's brows inch upward. "Please tell me you're not that oblivious, Duo," Trowa replies with dead calm.
"I... guess I am." Duo waits for Trowa to elaborate but runs out of patience before Trowa speaks again. "What the hell, man? Clue me in already."
Trowa sighs. "I highly doubt Heero's feelings for you are that shallow."
Unsure of what to make of that, Duo says, "It's not like they were that shallow to being with. We're friends, you know? Best friends. At least... we were."
Again, they lapse into silence. A pointed look from Duo is followed by a roll of Trowa's eyes. Yokaze's lover gracefully continues his own tale, "I tried everything to get Yokaze to talk to me. I was even hopeful that the costume Taki made for me might... I don't know... initiate something."
Duo chuckles. "Oh, from what I heard, it initiated plenty."
"Pervert."
Duo grins unrepentantly.
The muscles along Trowa's jaw tense briefly. "I was hoping we'd break through this... wall that's between us. But it didn't happen."
Trowa shakes his head and Duo's heart goes out to the guy.
"Have you ever seen Yokaze cry?"
Duo blinks at the sudden question. "What?"
Trowa fixes his gaze on Duo. "Have you ever seen her let her guard down?"
Duo opens his mouth to deny it – hell, the very idea of Yokaze being vulnerable is laughable – but then he remembers the way she'd been too weak to fight back the nightmares when she'd been forced to ride the wake of the plague. He temporizes, "Not consciously, no."
Trowa stiffens slightly and Duo curses his tactless response. He calls himself a dozen different kinds of fool for leaving such an obvious opening. Trowa is sure to question him further about it... and how is he supposed to answer when he'd promised to keep Yokaze's secrets for her? But, to Duo's surprise, Trowa simply continues on with his point.
"She's always so controlled. So strong. But she's my lover. There are times when I know she's hurting but she won't let me... She just pushes me away. Or hides. Part of me thinks she doesn't even acknowledge that she's capable of being vulnerable. That she just won't allow it of herself. But... part of me thinks this is just a symptom of a larger problem... That she'll allow me to guard her life and share her passion, but she still doesn't trust me."
"Oh, shit, Tro..." Duo flounders for something to say. He studies the form of his friend as Trowa looks away, studying the darkness beyond as a pretext to getting himself under control. With a sigh, Duo reluctantly reveals the next portion of his own story.
"Heero said he owed me the truth, which was that I had been the best friend he'd ever had. Not have. Had." Duo sighs, struggling to keep his voice even. "After months of wondering what was going to happen between us – wondering how that kiss was going to change things – he'd decided we weren't friends anymore. I just couldn't..." Duo forces another deep breath. "I just couldn't listen... anymore."
Another moment of silence settles between them before Trowa asks, "What did you say, Duo?"
"What makes you think that I..." Duo's voice trails off at the look Trowa gives him. "Okay, true. The best defense is a good offense and all that." He valiantly resists the urge to grind his teeth together. "Okay. I told him not to worry about that kiss. It was in the past, you know? Forgotten. We could just... Trowa?" Duo asks, startled at the other man's sudden, intense expression.
"Do you hear yourself? Are you listening to what you're saying, Duo?" Trowa asks with deceptive calm.
Duo frowns and opens his mouth.
"Forget about it," Trowa repeats deliberately. "It wasn't important. As in you want to pretend it never happened. As in you want to forget Heero ever felt inclined to..."
Scowl deepening, Duo protests, "But Heero'd just told me–"
"Heero had just told you that you had been his best friend. That doesn't necessarily mean he wanted you out of his life, Duo. It's a statement of the past. A fact. No more, no less."
Duo opens his mouth, closes it, then reconsiders. "I can't... I can't pretend it didn't happen."
"I'm not surprised," Trowa replies. "You've loved him for a long time."
Stricken, Duo mouths, "You knew?"
"I think all of us did. Except Heero. Oblivious asshole."
Duo gapes. It takes him a very long moment to absorb all of that. And then: "A fine pair we are. Your lover doesn't trust you and I'm so terrified of rejection that I..." Duo groans. "Ah, fuck, Trowa. What have I done?"
Duo leans into the warm hand that settles on his shoulder. For a long moment, neither man speaks. Jaspien's soft breathing is the only sound.
"We never should have gotten out of bed today, Tro." Duo shakes his head. "And the bitch of it is that if Yokaze had just taken that hit before I'd opened my big mouth, Heero might still be here."
Trowa frowns. "I don't follow."
"Well, right after I said my bit about forgetting that... stuff ever happened, Yokaze went down. Then Heero left."
"And then Yokaze left," Trowa murmurs in speculative silence. He glances at Duo. "I've watched Yokaze spar more times than I can count. I've never seen her lose her concentration. I've never seen her falter. But that's exactly what she did. Wufei's fist was already in motion and she just... lost it."
Duo scowls. "Right when I was telling Heero...?"
"So it would seem."
"What... what are you getting at?"
Trowa looks up from the contemplation of his clasped hands. "Could she have heard you?"
Duo shakes his head. "No, man. Totally not possible."
Trowa's shoulders rise and fall as he releases an explosive breath. "I'm going crazy over this," he says, dully.
This time, Duo reaches for Trowa's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "They'll come back, ya know? They always come back..." But the assurance sounds hallow, even to his own ears.
Still, they both know that those words are the best they can hope for and both know to quit when they're ahead. Side by side, they remain focused on counting the stars in the night sky.
...ooo...
Heero and Yokaze are not tired, but they stop for the night. Neither makes the initial suggestion. Neither expresses any preference about where they want to stay. This, like their earlier encounter, is decided in silence.
They do not seem bothered by it.
Yokaze rents the room. Heero orders something for them to eat. She does not ask him which side of the bed he prefers before she lies back and contemplates the sun-faded curtains. He does not ask her what she wants to eat before choosing one dinner for himself.
They do not ask because they do not have to.
The size of the bed is more than adequate for both of them and they rest with their backs pressed together. Heero inhales as Yokaze exhales. Their heartbeats are steady, synchronized. Their muscles deliberately relaxed. Together, they concentrate on existing around their respective heartaches.
They do not sleep.
It almost feels as if they no longer need to.
End of Chapter Twelve
Author's Notes: Okay, I know it's not "There's always time for Jell-O" it's actually "There's always room for Jell-O," but – dammit – work with me here, people.
