Obsession
Part 7 – Can't cry these tears
He wonders if she feels guilty, if she finally realizes she's not being fair to him. He still can't understand why she'd call the cops, why she'd put him in jail. He has done nothing bad to her, nothing that would possibly need the police involved. Why had she been so mad about the note he left her? It was just a warning, just something to make her think about what she has done to him.
And she calls the cops to arrest him.
Of course he didn't stay in jail, he had done nothing to keep him in there. He had done nothing wrong and the cops realized that so they had to let Trevon go away. Miranda is the only one that can't see the good things he's doing to her…
He wonders if she went to bed last night thinking of him, of all the bad things she'd done and thinking of a way to make it right. But most of all he wonders where she might be because he saw her bike in the same spot it was yesterday and she isn't in the university yet.
She had gone out with the psychiatrist and the professor after classes and Trevon hadn't seen her coming back to get her bike, Could the professor had taken her home afterwards? Could she have asked him to come up? Could she… NO! That's not what's happening! He knows Miranda and the professor don't have anything beyond friendship, he's sure of that. If they did Trevon would have seen that, he'd have noticed. Wouldn't he?
Trevon stops for a moment to think about that and it's like things get clear… the touches, the stolen glances, the significant looks… the flirting attitude of both of them… but the thing that hits him right on the face, rubbing that little fact over his eyes, is the smiles. Miranda never smiles, never laughs, he has never seen Miranda doing any of that, except of course when the professor is with her.
What he feels for Declan Dunn is so powerful that Trevon doesn't know if he hates him the most or if he's jealous of the professor. Particularly he's never done anything to Trevon -except that time Dunn was rude to him, but Trevon wants to forget that after all it was just a misunderstood, it was Miranda's fault- but the little seed of jealousy is already planted and he can do nothing but hates the man that has the woman Trevon wants, even knowing the professor doesn't deserve her.
But Trevon does, of course he deserves Miranda. He's been to Miranda all she needs, but she hasn't seen that so Trevon has to make her see it. Being a little bit annoying or rude sometimes will help her to open her eyes, Trevon believes; or maybe being a little bit scary. If she's afraid of him then she'll respect him.
Right?
Right! His inner voice answers with such ferocity that Trevon himself is startled for a second.
He smiles to himself but soon it fades away when he sees the professor's truck pulling up. His eyes immediately catch the glow of the dark silkiness of Miranda's head. Seeing her arriving this early with him makes the anger he fights so much against boil up inside him and his doubts about their relationship pokes him in the inside.
God, he was so much sure they weren't together… but-but maybe he just gave her a ride again, maybe… they didn't sleep together, did they? They can't… they cannot possibly be like that. Trevon is cringing internally; the jealousy is taking over him as the same time as anger starts to flow out.
He can't let this happen. Miranda is his and as far as he can he'll keep it this way.
x
Declan turns the engine off as soon as he pulls up and turns to face Miranda just as she's rubbing her eyes and letting out a small sigh, one that he wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't looking at her. "You OK?"
Miranda quickly takes her hand away and looks up at him, ashamed that she was caught up like that, in a moment of tiredness. "Yeah, fine." She says out of reflex sounding cold, but not meaning to.
"Miranda…" Declan breathes out, hurt that she'd shut him out again and that she had done it with such coldness.
"I'm sorry." She murmurs, putting her hand over her eyes and rubbing it again. "I didn't mean to sound like that. It's just…." She can't finish her sentence as she's too tired of talking about this and she just doesn't feel like opening herself up more than she has already done.
"Hey," Declan speaks just as he puts his hand over hers. Miranda looks at their slightly joined hands, noticing for the first how good it feels, how perfectly right their hands looked together. He had touched her hands before but the adrenaline was running so wildly within her that she had no time to notice the feel of his hands on hers. She took her eyes from their hands to look at him. "I'm here, ok? I'll be here whenever you need it. I promise nothing is going to happen to you, not as long as I can help it."
She has to smile at that, she has to turn the corners of her mouth into a small, discreet smile, one that she believes Declan will barely see and will keep wondering if she is smiling or not. He's just so sweet sometimes that he amazes her, not the fact of him being so gentle and sweet, because she knows he is, she remembers how he acted when Emma was around, but what really surprises her is the fact of him being so incredible understanding –when he's not annoying her that is- so caring.
She hadn't asked him to be there for her, hadn't asked him to be anything but just her boss, or a friend and simply the professor, but he is more, nonetheless. He's much more than she has ever asked for anyone to be, he's her best friend –what is very funny because normally she'd hang out with her own group of friends, the people she goes to classes with but no, instead she goes around with this crazy, scatter-brained professor she has gotten to care so much about and now she just can't see her life without him in it.
"I know." She whispers, really knowing he means it, the impact of his words only increasing all she already feels for him. If it is possible of her to feel more and looks at him, smiling that half-smile Declan catches himself thinking about when he's falling sleep at night.
"Good." He says and smile back, trying to reflex her Mona Lisa smile type. He opens his door and waits till Miranda has open hers to climb out of the truck. Miranda closes her door soundly and walks to the other side to stand beside Declan.
He feels a strong will to take her hand and lead the way, holding very tightly her limb, keeping her as close to him as possible. He just doesn't have the nerve to do that so he just walks slowly, standing as close to her as he can. As soon as Miranda stops he feels it and turns to look at her. "What?"
"I-I…" She stutters but she more focused on the thing ahead of her that her brain couldn't work to form the words.
Declan turns to look at the same direction Miranda seems to be looking at and immediately finds the reason of her being nervous so suddenly. As Trevon approaches them Declan steps in front of Miranda and crosses his arms. "What are you doing here?" he asks coldly.
"I don't have business with you. I want to talk to Miranda." He replays just as coldly and steps around Declan to face Miranda, but he steps in front of her again.
"Oh yeah, you do have business with me and you're not getting near Miranda."
"How could you do this to me?" Trevon asks her as if he hasn't heard a word Declan has just said.
"I didn't do anything." Miranda speaks up but as much as she try to sound calm, her voice is a little shaky and the nervous shivers runs down her spine. Lately Trevon does that to her, he makes he feels as is she's in some kind of danger. "You're doing this to yourself."
"I'm doing this…?" He asks rhetorically raising his voice as he angrily walks close to her, the muscles underneath his clothes almost visible as they clutch together.
"Hey, hey!" Declan pushes Trevon away from Miranda and points a threatening finger at him. "Step. Away. If you want to hurt somebody, then hurt me. Don't be such a chicken to hurt someone weaker than you."
Trevon looks angrily at Declan wondering why that stupid professor is getting in the way since he has nothing to do with this. If beating up the professor would make it easer for him to talk to Miranda then he'd do it, but as soon as he goes to Declan Miranda jumps in front of them. "Stop it!" She says almost raising her voice too.
"Miranda…"
She takes Declan hands and walks away pulling him with her. "I told you before, leave me alone." She says with a bland, dry tone before leaving.
x
"What happened?" Peggy asks as she storms inside Declan's office. "Everyone is talking about…" But noticing the very unhappy atmosphere in the room, looking at Miranda quietly playing with a random object from Declan's table and the professor himself sprawled on the couch with his arms crossed she trails off, words failing her.
They both turn slowly to look at her, they way she has entered not startling them even a little bit. Miranda lets go of the object and sighs loudly and she turns to face Peggy. "Just… hmmm…" She shrugs, half embarrassed, half tired and most of her not wanting to talk about that.
Declan looks at Miranda and after a while he takes his eyes to Peggy. "Nothing that can't be resolved." He murmurs and sits up straight.
"You know, I think I'm gonna just…" Miranda mumbles and points at the door as she gets up and walks to it and before anyone can say a word she has already left.
"Declan…" Peggy starts but as if she doesn't have the right words to speak, she remains quiet.
"She's just dealing with this the way she has always done." Declan says with a sigh that lets it obvious to Peggy that whatever way he doesn't like it. "She just keeps shutting us out." He adds with a very small voice.
It hurts, of course it does. She trusts him, he knows that little fact but she doesn't seem to trust him enough to tell him how she's feeling. Last night was some thing that Declan is sure is not going to happen again, she's not going to be so open to the point of letting someone in so much like she did. He wishes she'd just let it all out, tell him everything, she thinks, she feels, everything she needs to let out. He knows that keeping everything in is not healthy, both to her body and mind.
Sometimes he catches himself wondering if something bad had happened to Miranda for her to keep people at arm's length as she does, to shut everyone out as tough someone would harm her if she let them get close enough, or maybe if… this someone would let her down, leave her. Declan doesn't know anything about Miranda's life to even start to ponder about what could have gone wrong, who could have disappointed her.
"She's just Miranda." Peggy's voice takes Declan out of his reverie.
Declan sighs and brings one hand up to rub his eyes. "Maybe she could stop being Miranda for a couple of minutes then."
"Declan… don't be so hard on her…" She starts but Declan soon cut her off.
"I'm not hard on her. She has problems but she just won't let us in, she needs help but she doesn't ask for it, she doesn't ask my help."
"Oh." Peggy lets out, finally realizing why, after all this time knowing Miranda, it is bothering Declan so much. She smiles at that, at how much he cares about her and doesn't seem to notice it as she takes a sit next to Declan.
"Oh what?" He asks curious. "Why are you smiling like this?"
She stays mute for a while, just staring at him and when Declan open his mouth to speak she finally says something. "Have you realized that yet?"
"That what?"
"You know, I think you should talk to her, have a good relationship based conversation." She says than stands up again, heading to the door. "But just… leave her by herself for a while ok?" She adds and leaves.
"Yeah, sure…" Declan mutters, still thinking about the nonsense Peggy has just said.
x
"Hmmm, excuse me, professor Dunn" Says a young blond student after she knocks softly on his door and opens it.
Declan looks up wishing –even knowing the voice isn't Miranda's- that it's her but the smile he was already forming for her, doesn't come and instead he gives the girl a small professor-like smile. "Hi Annie, come in."
"Hi." She says shyly and walks further into the room. "You know, I-I don't want to be a blabbermouth or anything," She starts looking around Declan's office, nervously twisting her hands. "But, hmm, I saw Miranda entered the bathroom before I went to my class, and well, this isn't un-normal but when the class was over and I went to the bathroom, Miranda was still there and I think she was crying." She finally finishes a little less nervous, but still twisting her hands. "Very hard." She adds then.
"Crying?" He asks half surprised because the other half knew that something like that could happen; if Miranda doesn't open up with anyone then she'll try to let it all out as best as she can, with no one knowing.
"Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't even have bothered to say anything but I've never seen Miranda crying –not that I see her- and since there's this Trevon thing going on and you're her friend –the only person I could talk about her to- I just thought I should come then."
"Thank you, Annie." Declan says quickly getting up and heading to the door. "I really appreciate your concern." Then he left the office in a hurry, heading to the ladies' bathroom.
Declan opens the door very slowly, peeking his head in first to check and see if anyone is there. Making sure no woman is indeed in the bathroom he quickly enters it before anyone can see him and closes the door behind him. First he thinks Annie was wrong or that he just came too late and Miranda has already left for he doesn't hear any sounds. But then the familiar voice he adores so much fills the room.
"Stupid asshole." She mutters in an angry voice that Declan's never heard Miranda talking before. "Why can't I have just a normal life? Why do weird guys always have to fall for me?" And when the last words leave her mouth Declan hears a loud metallic sound and he's sure Miranda has just broken something. But the sound doesn't stop as she keeps punching this metallic something, or so he believes.
"Miranda?" He calls her slowly and immediately the sound stops.
There's long pause, as if Miranda is taking in that he's actually there and then, "Declan?"
"One and only." He tries to tease but the joke falls into nothing as she doesn't laugh, or giggle, or even smile. He can't see her smile anyway but in a weird, odd way he knows that if she smiled he'd be able to feel it.
"What are you doing here?" She asks with an almost disbelieving tone but doesn't wait for his answer. "It's a women bathroom, are you crazy?"
"Hey, I'm crazy." He replies and enters in one of the open cubicles and sits on the closed toilet.
She sighs not too loudly but in the almost empty room her breath echoes through it. "Declan…."
"What are you doing here? You're here over an hour."
"How'd you know?"
"It doesn't matter." He says quickly, not wanting to give Annie problems with Miranda. "I know you've been crying all this time. If you're feeling this bad you could've talked to me, you know."
"And said what, huh? What do you want me to say, Declan? How I am feeling?" She says with a slight hint of mockery as she tries to hide her true feelings behind that. "Do you want me to complain that I'm scared? That I'm angry and frightened that something can happen to me and I won't be able to do a damn thing? What good will do? It won't change anything…"
Declan listens to her talking, to her soft voice as she do her best to sound strong, to sound as if she's not feeling like crying, but he knows… he knows that she's trying with all her mighty not to cry, he can almost see her closing her eyes to stop the tears as she presses her lips together and breathes in deeply to make her voice sound strong.
"Maybe." He says softly, as he lets out a small breath. "But talking to someone will make you feel better. If you talk to me I know that I can do something. I'll know that you trust me enough to come to me." He truly hopes that with this she'll talk to him or at least consider what he said. Then he adds in an almost barely audible whisper, "I'll know that you need me."
There is a long moment of silence with no single sound from Miranda, not even her breath he can hear and Declan thinks his speech didn't change anything and the moment he's giving up on this he hears the click of the lock being opened and a second later Miranda steps outside the bathroom and stands in front of him.
Her sky-like eyes shine with fresh tears and they are red with the former ones. "I need you." She whispers looking at him but not in his eyes. "I'm frightened when I shouldn't be, I'm scared and I don't know how to stop it." She says with a shaky voice that soon is joined with a new set of tears.
Declan, who's sitting just listening to her, gets up and goes to her, enveloping Miranda in a warm, tight hug. "Shhhh." He whispers trying to soothe her.
She puts her arms tightly around him too and buries her face in his neck, her hot tears dropping on his shirt and soon reaching his skin. "I need you." She whispers in between her breathy sobs as she tries so hard to stop them.
"I know." Declan whispers back, holding her tighter, realizing that the same necessity he has to know she needs him is the same one she has to let him know she actually needs him. And he knows, of course he does, he doesn't need to hear her saying the words, he doesn't need her tears, her sobs and her arms tightly around his neck as she cries like a scared child, as she buries her wet face even more in his neck.
All he needs is to hear her voice every morning, see her smiling through her eyes, see the beautiful glow they have making him believe he is looking at the summer sky, to feel her warmth whenever she's around him, see the so rare smiles she gives him but can light up whatever room they're in if she does that little move. Just her being by his side after all this time doing craziness, getting into trouble, and making her life much more busy and complicated that it already is, is enough to make him sure that she needs him, that she's actually still with him because she needs him.
He has to believe she needs to have him in her life.
"Come, let's go home, ok?" He speaks softly as he runs a gentle hand through her hair, softly putting an astray strand of dark hair behind her ear. She only nods and finally takes her face from his neck and looks him in the eye, and it's like her own eyes are screaming 'Yes, I need you, don't ever forget that you dumbass'. Declan smiles in spite of the situation but gladly she doesn't see it and he leads her out of the bathroom.
Maybe a warm bath and a night friendly talk before going to bed is what Miranda needs right now.
x
End of chapter 7!
