Well i'm really happy because i got more reviews, so i want to thank them ok?

Watercircle: so Thanx for being my first reviewer and for reading, and this isn't from any book, well i don't think so, but i read it once a long time ago and i have it in my mind, so yeah i'm not sure if it was a book or what... but I'm going to investigate it ok?? Thanx for your review!!!

Peaceful Angel: Thanx!!!

Kokoro Mizu no Kaze: you think so?? Well thanx!

Apelles: Ok sorry for the mistake I tried to pay more attention this time ok??? Thanx for your comments!

So well I'm really grateful for the support and well here's another chapter

Spin

Summary: ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

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Syaoran picks me up early in the morning, about the time we should be heading for school, and not two seconds into the drive does he start to blab.

And after about fifteen minutes, he wants to know, "So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You know all my deepest darkest secrets," he says, "So what are yours?"

Good question, Syaoran.

I lie so that I don't have to show you who I really am.

I make up fake problems to explain why I feel so lonely and sad.

Yea. Surprise! I know exactly what my problem is.

Dr. Reed thinks that I don't realize all this.

But I do.

But this isn't about me.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I look at Syaoran and I'm thinking, corpses.

"No secrets here," I say.

"Liar."

"That is the most unoriginal put down that you could say to a pathological liar."

He smiles and I'm thinking, bloody mess.

"Kaji Ryuji is in love with me," I say.

Sometimes these words just come flying out of my mouth.

"The drug guy?" He asks.

"Yea, he wants my bod."

"Does he?"

"Wants me to have his love child."

He lowers his eyebrows and says, "Weird."

Yea, weird is right, why would a guy want little ol' me, right Syaoran?

"Yea," I say, looking at the window, "Pretty fuckin weird, so who's gonna be at this book signing deal anyway?"

Syaoran looks at me funny, I can see this through the corner of my eye. Yea, that's right Syaoran, you pissed me off.

He says, "Crater Leviathan."

No way.

"Crater Leviathan is like my favorite author in the world." I say.

And Syaoran smiles and says, "Mine too."

I'm thinking road kill.

Let me tell you a little bit about Crater Leviathan. Crater Leviathan happens to be one of the oldest living great authors. He's about 86 and he's completely senile. He wears these big shiny purple capes with gold stars all around it. He swears constantly.

He is my hero.

The person I identify most with is an 86 year old senile man.

Who knew?

He writes fictions about the desert, about secret military projects. He writes about the discontented members of a town that has lots of secrets, ring any bells?

I can't believe Syaoran knows about him.

I'm thinking dead people.

Syaoran points to a heavy looking bag in his back seat, "How many of those do you think I can get him to sign?"

Syaoran has all 8 of his books. I only have two, I read the rest in the library.

I say, "A great man once said that to write is to go wading through a pool of toxic waste in search of clean water."

"Massive Complacency," Syaoran says, "Prologue."

Then he says, "Life is a redundant time loop and death is a mirage."

"Convolution," I say, "Chapter 12."

Syaoran nods and smiles.

I'm thinking decapitation.

So here we are on a road to nowhere.

Didn't someone write a song about that?

We don't talk a lot for the rest of the ride, until we get lost in nowhereland.

We finally find our way to this bookstore. It's huge, three stories. A big red sign on the front of the building says, "Nowhere Books: The biggest independent book store in this side of Asia."

I say, "Whoa."

Syaoran says, "Wow."

We run inside and get separated immediately in the pure chaos.

Everyone inside is wearing purple capes and quoting passages from books. It feels like a Harry Potter convention for the old and mentally distressed. That wasn't a put down, I identify with these people.

A woman comes up to me and says, "Hoobla!"

And I go, "Hoobla?"

And she nods and goes, "Hoobla."

How can you not love this place?

I could get lost in here for hours.

And I do.

Syaoran finds me later in the art book section and his eyes are as wide as saucers, he shoves a book in my face, "Look what he wrote."

Written in the front cover of the book, it says:

Syaoran,
Secrets are the windows to the soul.
Or is that vegetables?
I live Nowhere, you should too.
Wake up son!
-Crater Leviathan

"Weird," I say, "If we were just a smidge crazier maybe we would get it."

He nods reluctantly, "What are you reading?"

That's when I show him what my world would look like. I show him art books with huge blown glass sculptures. I tell him that when I move out, I'm living in a huge glass house. Dark red with little gold flecks inside. Dome shaped with a tubed hole at the top for a fake fireplace, built on the side of a mountain.

"Better not move to the west coast," he says, "Too many earthquakes."

We go to the magician mythology section and look at pictures of crop circles. Funny thing is, he knows what some of them mean.

I say, "Freaky."

We go to the horticulture section and I show him my favorite tropical plants.

We go to the photography section and he shows me his favorite photographer.

I'm thinking: wow, he really does think about things other than Kaho.

Then he goes, "We should go soon, I have a date with Kaho at 5."

I look at him and I'm thinking, slaughterhouses.

When we get back in the car and head home, he puts his hand into one of his bags and says, "I got you something."

He pulls out a little bright purple magician on a neon orange podium. He pushes a little button and it turns into a little dismembered magician. "It's stupid," he says, "but I thought it was funny, you know, like the one in Dr. Reed's office."

I look at him and I'm thinking, dismemberment.

I'm thinking gunshot wound.

I'm thinking massive head trauma.

I think I'm running out of bad things to think about.

I grab the magician and hold it up to him, "Is this you?" I ask.

He says, "Yea, pretty much."

"Which one is you." I say, pushing and releasing the button, "Happy little magician man, or unhappy little pile of magician parts?"

"I guess both."

This is the part where I realize how selfish I've been.

This is the part where I realize how nice it is to see him acting happy.

I can say this isn't about me a zillion times without believing it. I can paint him any way that I want. Truth is, this really isn't about me. His problems are mine times 100000. I'm just playing a part. I'm just observing. When he goes out on that date with Kaho, I have to put my feelings aside. I have to get lost in some fantasy in my head to make it easier.

I can never be Kaho.

It's unhealthy to believe I could ever be Kaho.

He reaches for the toy.

"Mine," I say.

"Can I just play with it?"

"No."

He laughs, "Please?"

"Don't break it."

"I won't!"

As we drive, we watch the little magician fall down and get back up again a billion times.

"You're playing with it too much," I say, "You're gonna break it."

"I will not!" he says, "Jesus, I can always get you another one."

I hold out my hand, "Give it."

He sighs and gives me back my happy little magician, "Don't worry happy little magician" I say, "I won't let the big mean magician play with you anymore."

I'm thinking: What have I been reduced to?

I'm sitting here talking to a plastic toy like I would a dog.

Syaoran says, "I never got to umm.... thank you... for not telling anyone."

"Don't mention it."

"No really, I don't know what would have happened if anyone else found out."

"Well," I say, "I did it for purely selfish reasons, I don't want to see Tomoeda go down the tubes again."

This is, of course, bullshit. I did it for him. I wanted to save him.

"Well… thanks anyway."

"Yea."

You guessed it, I can't take a compliment. I'm not used to getting them very often, not used to giving them either.

When he drops me off in front of the Magic Blast, I hold out the toy, force a smile on my face and say, "Little happy magician guy hopes you have fun on your date."

He smiles again. I'm thinking death, body parts, bad things, you name it.

Syaoran says, "You know, if you keep talking through that magician, we might need to get you an extra session with Dr. Reed."

I put my finger on the little magician's head and bob it around, "Leave him alone."

After he leaves I walk into the Magic Blast and slump into one of the booths. Rika is immediately in my face, "Was that Syaoran Li?"

"Sure was."

"He's going out with Kaho tonight, you know."

"Sure do."

And then, Rika goes, "You better not get in Kaho's way."

And I go, "I'm not in the mood Rika, get the fuck away from me."

If I only had a camera.

As Rika walks away, someone slides in the booth next to me and says, "That was rad."

Notice my insides cringing.

"Hi Kaji," I say monotonously. "No, I still don't want to go to the movies."

"Fine with me," he says, "we can just sit here and eat."

"Oh boy."

"Perfect," he says, "You going out with Li?"

This is one lie I'm not willing to tell.

"Nope."

"Cool."

Kaji looks like he's been hanging out with a rock band too much. And he needs a hair cut. He'd be ok looking if he got a haircut. He's wearing a leather jacket.

I say, "That's a gross jacket."

"'Cause it's leather?" He asks.

"Yea."

"Some cow died to make the hamburger you're probably about to eat."

Notice my blinding hypocrisy.

I smile fakely, "Well consider me a vegetarian."

"Wanna go smoke some weed?"

"Not really"

"Ok."

He gets up and says, "The jacket is pleather."

"Huh?"

"Poly-vynl blend."

"BYE."

"See you at school," he says smiling.

I wonder if he would leave me alone if I was nice to him.

Do I wanna risk it?

Tomoyo is giving me her death glare again. I know I'm gonna have to swallow my pride and apologize one of these days. Not today, today sucks.

I go upstairs and lay on my bed, thinking about nothing for hours.

I've never had a boyfriend. Isn't that sad? I'm a senior in high school for god's sake. The only boy I ever kissed was in seventh grade and was repulsive.

But that's just me. The virgin Mary of middle class suburbia.

Would shooting me be too much to ask?

I'm thinking of cars driving off cliffs.

The phone rings around eight. It's Syaoran. And I just know this should be good 'cause he can barely push words out of his mouth.

"Oh god," he says, "I gotta tell you something."

"Lemme guess," I say, "Your mom asked you to lent her that mop of hair to clean the sofa"

I can say stuff like this because I'm his new best friend. Insults are an integral part of friendship.

He doesn't even laugh.

"Kaho," he says shakily, "Kaho wants me to help her kill somebody."

I'm thinking dead people.

I'm thinking life in prison.

I'm thinking big mistake.

And I say: "Oh."

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Would it be extremely horrible of me to say I told you so?

Probably.

"Sakura?"

"Umm... what did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything..." Syaoran is seriously freaking out. "Sakura... she's... god, have you seen her arms?"

I think about Kaho's arms. She's been covering them up. "Syaoran, she's been staying at my house… I don't see how…"

"Just look at her arms."

I hear a noise from below. "When did your guys' date end?" I ask.

"A few minutes ago."

"Fuck, she's here, I gotta go."

"Sakura, what the hell am I gonna do?"

"Your gonna... calm down..."

I'm not big on comfort.

"And your gonna, breath. God, I dunno, go watch TV or something." I slam the phone down before Kaho walks into my room.

When I look at her, I think about those after school specials where the wrinkled over-sexual woman gets this young stud to kill her husband. I think about Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuco. Bitter revenge and bullets and paralysis and facial disfiguration. People that treat people like puppets, escape goading, weak people taking the fall for the weaker.

Kaho has got this look in her eye that I could imagine people getting when they're dead. I've only seen one dead body before, my grandmother. Fortunately, her eyes were closed.

Correction: Two dead bodies. I saw Kaho's dead body once, covered in blood and walking around like a zombie. Maybe she was never really brought back to life.

I open my mouth not knowing what the hell I'm gonna say. My guess is that it will be mean. It doesn't matter because she speaks before I do.

"You talked to Syaoran," She says.

I nod.

"You don't get to be mad," She says.

When she talks, the top of her lip curves up like she's holding something in, tears or screams or something along those lines.

Her eyes drift downward and she stands in my doorway, clutching at the frame. She seems paralyzed. Rigermortis must be setting in. Even her hair is dying, It used to be so bouncy and fair, now it just hangs there in wavy, broken off pieces, taking on a sheen of piss red.

"I can't even feel anymore," she says. "I'm numb."

Even her outfit is dying. She has this long jacket that ties at the waist and flares out at her hips. She always used to give me these fashion tips: Wear long jackets cause they make you look taller. Her jacket just hangs on her like a dead animal. Even the outfit is dying.

"I won't let him take the fall," she says, "I'll take the fall, one hundred percent. I don't care, I just can't do it by myself."

Even her eyes are dying, turning beige. She used to tell me: Wear white eyeliner to make your eyes look bigger. Blush, she used to say, is instant pretty. She used to tell me I didn't need to wear blush. She said I was a natural blusher. Her cheeks are pale, even her cheeks are dying.

"So you don't get to be mad," she says. "At least you can still feel."

Even her voice is dead.

"If you tell anyone, I'll deny it. Cheerleading practice was a real doozy officer. Fell on my ass and got bruised up and down."

I say, "Why?"

She says, "Because I don't want Touya to know."

"Touya does know, Kaho."

"No," she says, "He doesn't know everything."

Jesus Christ.

I walk up to Kaho with my wide eyes. I think both of us are about to cry now. I push the jacket a little bit off her shoulder. I don't need to push it much to see that even her arms are dying. Dark purple, almost black, dead, that's all, just dead. I clench my eyes when I see it and she pulls her jacket back up, probably thinking she's a disgusting monster.

"Kaho, when did you go home?"

"I went yesterday, to get some things."

"Is it your dad?"

"I'm not telling you."

This one's a no brainer, she lives alone with her dad.

"Take off your jacket," I tell her, "I'll get some ice, ok?"

She shakes her head.

"It's ok Kaho," I say, "It'll feel better."

And when I make it down to the Magic Blast ice bin, that's when the tears come. They're not selfish tears. They're tears for her. I don't want her to die.

I don't want her to hurt.

I want her to be normal Kaho, walking around without a care in the world. Treating me like a social leper. Making the school into a caste system. Making fun of my fucking outfits, giving me fashion tips. I don't care, I just want her to stop hurting.

I can do this for her. I can swallow my pride and do this. I can comfort her and take care of her and become her fucking bodyguard if that's what it takes. I can try to convince her that there's another way to go about this. I can try to convince her that Touya won't care what the hell has happened to her.

And no one is going to lay a goddamn finger on her again. I'm willing to bet money on that, lots of money. I'm willing to bet my life on that.

And no one is going to freaking die. Not her, not her dad.

Though, I would give my left arm to kick him in the face.

I fill a plastic bag full of ice and bring it back up to my room. She's sitting on my bed crying with those dead arms of hers. It's hard to believe they're really arms.

I lightly place the bag where the bruises are the most swollen, wipe some tears out of my eyes, and say, "Kaho, Touya won't care."

She just shakes her head and says, "Touya can't know."

Then she breaks down, completely. Touya is her weakness. "I love him," she says, her tears pouring over the shoulder of my shirt, "I never meant to hurt him."

And I swallow my own tears and stroke her hair, "It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong."

We stay like this for an hour. Me trying to convince her she's not a monster, me trying to convince her that she doesn't deserve this, me trying to convince her that I'm not just saying all this.

She tells me she feels ugly, that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. We go into the bathroom and sadly sit around on the sink, I put some hot oil conditioner shit in her hair, she paints my nails lavender.

She likes doing girlie things like this. I'm not having such a bad time, maybe she's rubbing off on me. We do a load of laundry and she says, "You should wear more dark red and warmer colors, your an autumn."

I smile.

We give each other pedicures and she slathers some green shit all over my face. She says, "You should do this more often, keeps your pores clean."

I smile again. Fashion tips, beauty tips, keep them coming Kaho. I know that this isn't such a big step. I know there's more to her than fashion tips and beauty tips. But it's a start.

So I go to bed. I let Kaho sleep in my bed, it's big, and I don't care 'cause I like her now.

And I feel numb too. Probably not in the same way that she feels numb, but numb nevertheless. 'Cause I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

I can't be jealous of her anymore. Nobody could.

I don't want to be her anymore.

But I still don't want Syaoran to have anything to do with this.
I don't think he would kill anyone for her, I don't think he's that stupid. I used to, not anymore. But this situation, it's bad. And it's starting to spin out of control.

And it needs to stop, before somebody does something they'll regret.

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So it's Wednesday. You could say I'm confused.

In three days, a bottle will be pointing at me.

Only, I don't know this yet.

Right now, what's pointing at me is a wand of mascara.

And if my eyes don't start looking bigger soon, I won't be able to blink.

Do you know what happens when you don't blink?

Your eyes dry out and fall right out of your head. I think.

It's Wednesday morning, hours before school, way too early in my opinion. And to add to the utter perfectness of the situation, Kaho invited Syaoran over.

They're pretending that nothing happened.

So am I.

"We need to reinvent ourselves," Kaho says.

I agree with her, but this is not what I had in mind.

"Kaho," I say, trying to keep my eyes open, "My eyelashes are already black."

She retracts the menacing mascara wand and frowns, "Don't blink."

I blink.

"Urgh!" She says.

Believe me, I wouldn't be doing this if I hadn't convinced Kaho to wear some of my clothes.

In my clothes, I look normal, but Kaho looks like she joined a grunge band. I'm a little taller than her so my pants hang below her shoes, also mine. Kaho's not wearing platforms, you gotta see this. She's got a T-shirt on with a thermal shirt underneath. Grunge, she's only mildly complaining.

Syaoran is more than amused, at both of us.

"It's not even black," Kaho says, "It's clear mascara."

"What's the point of that?" Syaoran asks.

"I'll tell you what the point is," I say, "It's a ploy, a marketing scam, they sell you cheap clear gel in a bottle and charge you five bucks a pop. The promise of invisible beauty."

Syaoran says, "Oh."

Kaho says, "The point is, it flips your eyelashes up and keeps them in place, and it's cheaper when you don't need the color."

Syaoran nods in confusion and says, "Oh."

"Beauty," I say, "Is an institution."

"Sakura," Kaho says, "I just wanna make your eyes look bigger."

Syaoran laughs, "You read too much, both of you."

I say, "No such animal."

This is why I'm relaying this morning to you: I want you to know that this isn't one of those stories where the girl gets all done up and pretty and the guy realizes he's loved her the whole time, just because this one night she happened to be prettier than usual. That's bullshit, that's not love, that's department store advertisement.

This is the kind of random stuff I think about when I'm not thinking about Syaoran, wondering if he'd like me if I was as pretty as Kaho. Wondering if he notices my eyes look bigger or my nails are lavender.

I know, you could choke on the hypocrisy.

Talk about social commentary. I need to stop thinking.

Apparently, my enlarged eyes can only hold Kaho's attention for so long. Now she's sitting next to Syaoran, holding onto his arm.

She says, "Do you go to the gym?"

He says, "No, I do pull ups in my room every once in a while."

She rests her head on his shoulder.

Syaoran smiles at me like all his dreams are coming true.

The thing is: he knows it's not real. I just don't get him.

And Kaho, she really does like him. You know, she said to me something about if she wasn't in love with Touya she would really really like Syaoran.

After the crying episode, me and Kaho talked here and there about her wanting to kill her dad and her getting the crap beaten out of her like it was no big thing.

Another defense mechanism, Dr. Reed would say.

Rationalization: You come up with various explanations to justify the situation, while denying your feelings.

So yea, we sit here a crack jokes and pretend nothing's happening. This is just stuff that were not ready to deal with. Our unconscious minds are hating us right about now. All three of us.

In two days, I'm gonna wish I wasn't pretending that nothing was happening.

Only, I don't know this yet.

This is what else is going on in my head: Me and Syaoran are going out on our first date. He's taking me to this little independent movie theater to see a movie adapted from a Crater Leviathan book. He buys me a candy bar. I buy him popcorn. When we're sitting down, our arms brush against each other, we both turn bright red and....

"We should get to school," Syaoran says.

Little do I know, this is the day that Syaoran takes over my head, completely. This is what we call obsession. I'm admitting all of this right now: I hate him, I love him, I know him, I don't understand him, but that doesn't matter. I just wanna sit here and think about him, there's not enough time to just think. If I just sit here and think about him enough, maybe it won't matter what's going on in the outside world.

Obsession.

If that's not unhealthy, then I don't know what is.

But at least it makes it easier to convince myself that I'm happy for him. And it makes it easier to focus on what really matters here: Kaho.

So yea, I'm confused, you could say.

When we go to school, me and Kaho and Syaoran walk through the double doors together. Were reinventing ourselves, so all the high school politics don't matter to us anymore, and nothing matters much to Kaho anymore.

I see Tomoyo in the hall, she's not giving me her death glare anymore, she just looks sad. I should apologize right now, but I don't.

In two days I'm really gonna be wishing that I apologized to her.

See:

In three days, a bottle will be pointing at me.

In two days, my face will be slammed up against a refrigerator, a gun will be pointing at me, I'll be thinking about blood and snot mixed with Ketchup and Mustard.

In two days, I'm gonna realize just how many things I should have done differently.

Only, I don't know this yet.

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So what do you think?? Well we're getting close to the party from the first chapter, and is going to be really interesting from now on so well see you tomorrow!!! Thanx for stopping by!!