I'm like weeks late... so I'm sorry ok… well let me explain something have you ever watched roswell? It was a really good show, so the original was a fic for that show, I put this 'cause there are some things in this chapter and in the next that are from that universe and not from Sakura cc so yeah I just wanted to explain that… now let's thank the wonderful people that send me some reviews…

TOFU: Sorry for the late update but Thanx a lot for the comments!

watercircle: Sorry but no sequels, but i do have some ideas in my head, i just have to put them together... I just love your reviews you know? And I'm really sorry for the late update but well school is terrible and all that so yeah, I'm sorry and I hope you like how Sakura explains her crazy feelings

Sasuka Miroka: Yeah i hate dentists but i'm glad i wasn't the reason, i love Syaoran a lot, the original version is really funny, him blushing and all that... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!

Ange Noir: An i just love the ending of this chapter... and yeah I'm always late we should really go there and maybe I can marry Syaoran… or maybe Sakura can kill me for that… well it doesn't matter… I loved the review by the way!

RayeBBG: Hey Thanx for the comments, i'm glad you liked it... and well thanx for staying after curfew… I hope you were not in problems… well I hope you like this chapter!

Apelles: And that just made my day... you didn't complain so I'm guessing I'm getting good at this… but let just say that Sakura is the one that is going to have a big surprise… just not in this chapter… or I don't know… well thanx for the review!

Wind and Flame: Thanx!

Karla: Oh don't worry is ok if you do that... and thanx for reading the story I hope you like this chapter too!

bluemouth: You think so? Well thanx!

DarkJadedEyes: Thanx to your review i finished the editing of this chapter so i dedicate this to you because you made me remember my story... well thanx for the review and I hope you like this chapter!

Spin

Summary: ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS


Am I broken.

He's seen me deal with blood and bruises. He's seen me next to a knife, he's seen me against the backdrop of a dying desert.

When things spin too fast - and I'm talking beyond out of control too fast - they break.

Maybe I look ok next to blood and bruises and ugliness, but after tonight, how will I look next to flowers, a field of them.

You have to be prepared for things like this. You have to be prepared for him not being able to handle the truth. Especially since you can barely handle it yourself.

And you've realized some things about yourself, like maybe a healthy life is worth living, and maybe you have a shred of worthiness. You know in your heart that you can be fixed if you just try. But this is the breaking point, you either get better or you don't.

When you clean your room, it has to get dirtier before it gets cleaner. You have to pull out all the shit that's under your bed and inside your closet. You pile dirty laundry on your bed, you find that half eaten sandwich that you meant to throw away. You purge the corners and hidden places, let it all hang out in the open. Then you decide what to work on first.

That's what this is like. What if he doesn't like what's under my bed. What if he doesn't want to see my cobwebs. What if he doesn't want to help me clean it up.

You have to be prepared for the worst case scenario, but it has to be realistic.

It's different for me. I don't have one great big secret like him or Kaho. I have a pile of little white lies. Enough little white lies and you go crazy, you forget what story you told which person. I have years of not telling the entire story. Right and wrong don't even make sense anymore. I am a lie.

I am half a story.

If I don't get this out now, I'll break.

I'll lose him, I might anyway. You have to be prepared.

You can't think about how you saw the understanding in his eyes. You can't think about how maybe he will understand and hold your hand all night and help you clean yourself up. Maybe he can heal that bruise on your cheek even though the physical evidence is almost gone, it doesn't matter, the hurt is still there. Maybe if he sleeps next to you, you won't see a gun in your face when you close your eyes.

Stop thinking about this.

I'm not even here.

"Sakura," he says. He sits on the bed, he looks at you in sympathy, pity, like he already knows. "Tell me anything," he says it quietly, gently. He doesn't want to push you with his voice. He knows that touching you right now isn't going to help.

I'm not even here.

This is the last defense mechanism I'll use willingly. I don't even care what it's called, I just remember someone telling me it was adaptive.

I'm not even here. Am I?

It's just a girl, that loves a boy. And she's telling him the truth, to be fair, so that he can decide if he still loves her back.

Eyes down, easier for tears to slip out that way.

Clean it all up.

"I don't know how it started... I don't know where." It's a voice of dissociation, the voice you get when you can't look someone in the eye. It sounds monotone but if you listen hard enough you can sense the shakiness. "I wanted to hate you, I never did, but I wanted to, before I even knew you."

If you blink, a tear will fall out of your left eye.

Glance up and he's confused. "Sakura... why..." he doesn't finish because he knows questions won't do any good.

"I wanted to blame you for my problems but I couldn't because I knew your secret, I don't know how I knew but I did. But I couldn't hate you because I saw how much you hated yourself, and then I saw you hit her, with your car. I saw your life falling apart. I saw you... heal... her."

The tears go drip drip dripping down your face, one lands on your shoe, one lands on your sweater. Glance up and he doesn't want you to cry.

"Maybe I wanted that too... maybe I felt dead. But maybe I saw the way you looked at her and maybe I just wanted you to be happy. You kissed her... at the party... I didn't watch. It would have ended right there but you told me your secret, you… touched me, told me I was insane, I wanted to scream at you."

Glance up and the look on his face is guilt and shock. It was not my intention to make him feel bad. He touched my face that night. His palm was pressed against my nose, his thumb was touching my temple. The first time he touched me, I'll never forget that.

"I don't know... somewhere along the line it changed, you were my friend... you understood me, we had fun. I wanted you to stop hating yourself. So I... convinced myself that you should be with Kaho and I... I got a little lost in my head."

Deep breaths, eyes down.

"Everything I've done in the past two weeks I've done for you. I made the car accident disappear, I kept your secret. Not so that I could save Tomoeda, so that I could save you. Every action, every word I said... everything can be traced back to you."

Close your eyes, blink. Just let yourself cry. The truth is that he hurt you, whether he meant to or not. The truth is that it hurts. The truth is that you want to cry so you cry.

"And you could never... look at me in the eye. What was so fucking horrible about me that you couldn't look at me in the eye?"

Glance up and his eyes blink shut and linger, his jaw is clenched. I don't want him to feel bad, I'm just telling the truth.

"Something happened to me, you left your jacket in the Magic Blast and I was smelling it at five in the morning. We studied at your house and you caught me smelling your goddamn arm and you didn't smell bad, you smell... really good. When we went to the book signing... I was thinking about all these horrible things, I was trying so bad to hate you. I had dreams about you... I hated every second of what was happening to me."

Glance up and he's looking at you, wide eyes with shock, guilt etched on his face like he committed some sort of horrible crime.

"The pool..." I hear the voice and it's mine, it's shaking. It's naked and helpless and weak. It's a wonder he can still understand what I'm saying. My cheeks are uncomfortable, half drying half soaking wet, making my skin tight and confused. I want to be in the shower. I hate crying when I'm not in the shower. I want to be wet and warm and huddled into a ball crying.

"The pool is where I got hurt the most."

Glance up and he's sorry, he's so sorry. He's just breathing, he wants to say something but he doesn't know what to say.

I don't want him to be sorry. I'm the sorry one, I'm the one throwing all this at him at once.

"And all this, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have nothing to apologize for. Because it's my fault, I let myself get hurt. Until we got to the pool, you didn't lead me on, not once. So it's my fault, because I could have left, but I didn't... because I wanted to be around you."

Think about repressed romantic feelings, take a step backward and sit down on the bed because standing isn't an option. And don't you wish your hands would stop shaking and don't you wish you could see through the tears.

"Because... Syaoran... you make me feel something... something weird and scary... like I want you to know who I am... Like I don't want to lie to you."

Are you hearing this. This is raw. This is like going through a meat grinder. You have to hurt more before you feel better. And maybe someday after this I'll thank myself, sow myself back up and be ok. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, next month.

It depends on him now. I'm exposed, all out in the open. He can either run away or fuck with my feelings or make it better. Either way, I want this to be over.

"Do you think this is healthy Syaoran? I'm psycho-crazy-insane obsessed with you. Is this something you want to hear?"

Someday I'll feel better. Glance up and my world isn't the only one falling apart.

My voice is hiding nothing, my face is hiding nothing. When you're exposed like this, even your body language can't lie. "You like me but do you want a neurotic girlfriend. Do you want somebody who doesn't even know who she is because she's made herself up a thousand times. Do you want to know all my secrets and do you want me to know yours?"

You have to be prepared for this.

Funny how hard it is to be prepared when you're completely exposed.

I'm crying like it's the end of the world. That's what it feels like. I'll feel better someday. Someday, I'll know this was healthy. But now, a life is ending.

Be prepared. If he runs, what the hell am I supposed to do.

"So that's what I wanted to say."

I stand up. Neurotic me. Naked, exposed me. I feel dirty.

"I'm taking a shower now."

Brutal honesty, get me out of here.

"If you want to leave, now would be the time."

So that I don't have to see it.

I walk, to the bathroom. Five steps.

He says, "Sakura, come here."

I want to Syaoran, I really really want to.

I say, "Shower."

He hesitates, I hear him shifting on the bed. Then, he sounds pissed. "What the hell am I supposed to do. You already made up your mind that I'm leaving. Give me credit Sakura, if I'm so great then let me make up my own mind, if you really feel so strongly, why is it so easy for you to run."

"It's not... easy."

"Then get your ass over here... and tell me you want me to help you... and I will. I'll do anything... but I don't know what you want."

"I don't know what you want."

"I want you Sakura. Yes, still. You're not neurotic, I have so much to say to you, but you're the one running away right now."

"I'm still scared."

"I know."

"I can't move."

"Then what do you want me to do."

What do I want him to do. There's plenty I want him to do. Honesty.

Honesty.

I can do this.

Just close your mind. It's just a scared girl that doesn't know how to be happy and doesn't know what's best for herself. But in the back of her mind, in the deep, dark places that nobody has seen, she knows exactly what she wants.

"I want you to make me stay, and I want you to tell me how much you want me to stop running away. And I want you to help me. And I want you to promise to not forget about me for at least... until I get better. I want you to tell me why it's so hard for you to look in my eyes but I'm still not sure... if I really want to hear that."

And he says, "Ok."

He gets up and he approaches me. And I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore.

He didn't run away, he wasn't scared.

I thought he would run away.

You never really prepare for the best case scenario.

You prepare for the worst, and when the best happens, you have no idea what the hell to do.

The look on his face, I don't even know what it is. Maybe he's as confused as I am.

He grabs my hand and pulls me over to the bed and he makes me sit down. He's on his knees on the floor in front of me.

He puts one of his hands on mine and the other one on my face, he says, "Look at me."

I don't.

I stare at his hand because it's touching mine and it's the warmest feeling I've ever had in my entire life.

He says, "I can sit here all night. Screw being scared Sakura, aren't you sick of it?"

He says, "Look at me. I'm obsessed with you. I know you feel crazy because I've been there, I know it's hard to let go. You taught me how, don't you know that? You can't scare me, I want to know every little thought that's swimming in that head of yours. Every crazy, neurotic detail. And I will never ignore you again."

His hand is sweeping over my cheek and getting tangled in my hair. He pulls me forward so that our foreheads are touching.

He says, "Never ever."

His voice, I could listen to it forever.

He says, "Sakura Kinomoto, for all that stuff you just said you sure don't act like you like me very much."

And that's just it, you know. This is my breaking point.

I, Sakura Kinomoto, am officially a first class grade A idiot.

What in gods name am I doing sitting here like a fucking noodle.

So I breath. And I say, "Sorry about that."

And I smile, it's kind of a weak smile but it still is a smile, and it's genuine, I figure he might like that.

He does, he smiles back.

His hand slides down to cup the back of my neck and he touches his nose to mine.

I look him in the eye. Liars know a lot of things about eyes, you know. It's the one part of the body that never lies, unless you train yourself.

In Syaoran's eyes, it's kind of hard to look at, obsession and compulsion and rawness. All right there.

The way he's looking at me, I could burst into flames and I wouldn't be surprised. The earth could swallow me whole, magicians could invade the world. Wait a second, scratch that.

He say in a whisper, "We need to talk, but I'm gonna kiss you right now and if you don't kiss me back this time I'm gonna have a hissy fit and it's gonna get really, really ugly."

His mouth is so close to mine, were breathing the same air.

And I get the kind of chill that runs up your neck and makes your insides shudder and warm up and - holy shit.

Xiao Lang mother freaking Li, is going to kiss me.


I'm just closing my eyes.

I'm not prepared for this but screw being prepared, when the hell have I ever been prepared for anything, anyway.

Guns in my face, platonic-half-naked-second-base-kissing in pools. Never, I tell you. Preparation only works if you have a good sense of insight.

I don't want to but I think back to Kaho and Rika reading girly girl magazines on Friday nights, discussing the pros and cons of spit exchange and certain lip maneuvering tactics.

1) Lips soft and pliable, you know. Not too stiff and not to sloppy-passive. Okay.

2) Swallow. This decreases the wetness factor. If you can't find time to swallow, you damn well have to make time to swallow, alright?

3) And this is the big one. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you shove your tongue down his throat. Too off-putting. Right.

Kissing has tactical maneuvers now, kind of like war. Nothing is sacred.

Okay, so I'm a little nervous.

I'm just closing my eyes.

Why isn't he kissing me yet.

I open my eyes and he's got this look.

What is this look?

Apprehension? Hesitation?

I say, "What's wrong?"

He just shakes his head. What is this look.

His thumb moves across my cheek and I think about blood and snot and tears mixed with relish and take out chinese food.

I've felt this before, when I sleep and turn over and my cheek presses up against my pillow. Ever since that day, push on my cheek and I see a gun in my face. Push on my cheek and I see a hole in a refrigerator with blood and ketchup leaking out of it.

Push on my cheek and I see an ice machine that's broken because of the bullet lodged in the back corner.

I guess you never really get over almost dying.

It's even harder when your face is a constant reminder.

I wonder if there is some sort of magician etiquette guidebook. Is it improper to ask him to heal my cheek.

I'm thinking: fuck proper, it hurts.

His thumb moves across my cheek again and I'm cringing now.

"It still hurts?" He asks.

"A little."

He says, "Oh."

What is that goddamn look.

I say, "So?"

"So what?"

"So can you heal it?"

His eyes fly down and I'm wondering what the hell is going on.

He says, "I could."

"Well you don't have to."

"I will."

What is this. First base to zero in 3.5 seconds.

He doesn't want to heal me.

Ask me how I'm feeling.

"You don't want to."

"Sakura, I do."

"No you don't."

He puts his hand on my cheek and no way, I'm not convinced.
I get up and walk to the other side of the room.

"Sakura."

"Why don't you want to heal me?"

"I do."

He's lying, I can see this. It's the eyes.

If I was in a cartoon, there would be a big obnoxious lightbulb flashing above my head.

I say, "You don't want to be a magician anymore."

He says, "I'm tired."

"You want me to pretend you're not a magician."

"Can we please just go to sleep."

I know exactly what he's doing because this is something I would pull.

He kicks off his shoes and pulls back the covers. He looks pissed. At who? I'm not sure. Pissed at the world maybe.

I say, "We should probably talk about this."

He says, "I'm tired."

"Go to sleep then." I say this with my hand on the doorknob.

"I will, where are you going?"

If I could lie to him, I would just tell him I'm going to get a soda.

I say, "I need to think, I'll be back in a second."

"Sakura."

"I've been sleeping all day and now I want to think so just let me go think."

He's not even looking at me anymore.

He says, "It's not safe."

"Nothing is safe."

He gives me this look and gets into bed.

I'm honesty girl, so I say, "Who's running away from their problems now?"

He says, "I'm tired."

So I go.

I walk outside into the cold air and look at this ugly place we're staying.

And everything is just getting a little too surreal.

I'm just feeling a little too detached from everything and rightfully so, emotional spiced that I am. Now that my life is the epitome of all that is true, I'm just trying not to make myself up again.

Don't worry, I'm not regressing or anything. I know exactly what's going on. It's his turn to talk and he'll talk when he's ready. but me, I need a little down time, a little keep my mouth shut time. I need to go somewhere and try not to feel anything.

You could say that I'm emotionally drained.

I'm just sitting here getting worse before I can get better.

I thought that the climax of my life was a gun in my face or a bottle pointing at me or my emotional meltdown or take your pick. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe life doesn't have one solitary, identifiable climax. It's like every day is build up-build up-orgasm.

Build up-build up-orgasm.

Only, not as fun.

Call me selfish but this isn't what I need right now. He didn't give me enough time to recuperate.

Ugliness surrounds me. The hotel walls are stained, probably from people pissing on them. Too much of this and you don't recognize beauty when you see it.

Whatever, I'm going to go swimming now and relive some bad memories.

The pool is surrounded by a locked gate. It's only open until nine but I can't seem to care all that much. I climb over the gate and of course I cut my arm on a snag on top of the chain link fence.

Blood, what a surprise.

The pool lights are on. They do this at hotels, keep the pool lights on all night.

I strip down to my less than sexy underwear and get into the pool. It's heated, I wish it was cold.

I wish it was freezing.

I swim to the edge of the pool and pull myself up to sit on the side, dangling my feet in the water.

Detached is what I am. Detached from my past and my future and everything. My feet aren't even touching the ground.

The cut on the inside of my arm is leaking blood all over the place, it's one of those cuts that looks worse than it actually is.

I really am a sight right now, half naked and bleeding all over myself.

Believe me, it's funnier than it sounds.

Ugliness still surrounds me and I look at myself and think about that stupid cliche: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Right now, I'm not sure what this is. I don't feel good and I don't feel bad.

Maybe this is a coping mechanism.

Don't even get me started on coping mechanisms.

Maybe this is a cry for help.

Help with what? I'm not sure. I just wanted him to heal me.

But he wants to pretend he's someone that he's not so I guess this is my problem. I know I know I know that I'm not being very understanding, It's just that I need to heal myself since he won't do it.

Tomorrow I'll be understanding, tonight I wallow in detachment.

The blood is trickling down my side.

The way I figure it, I'll bleed to death in about three weeks, so this should be fun.

The minutes tick by.

Two weeks, 6 days, 11 hours, and 53 minutes to go.

And of course Syaoran shows up. I mean, what did I expect.

He peeks through the gate and he says, "What are you doing?"

Me, I can't think of anything better to say, so I say, "Coping."

He opens the gate with his magician powers. The gate is more worthy than I am.

He walks up to me and sees my nice little bloody mess. "Sakura what happened?"

"Ask me in three weeks."

The blood is freaking him out. He's trying to avert his eyes 'cause I'm half naked. It's sweet but right now I could give a shit.

Physical nakedness has got nothing on emotional nakedness.

I just want him to touch me again.

He sits down next to me and lifts up my arm.

He looks so tortured.

I say, "It's not that bad."

"It's bad enough."

"Well you're not healing it until you talk."

And he just sits here looking tortured.

I say, "We'll talk tomorrow, It should be ok for another three weeks."

I say, "Come swimming."

I say this because I want him touching me and kissing me already and I don't know, maybe I'm resorting to seduction.

He says, "I need to tell you something."

"Right now?"

"I think so."

I can tell he doesn't want to talk right now.

I say, "We'll talk tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yea, tomorrow."

"But you're mad."

"Do I look mad?"

He looks at me and bad idea 'cause I'm half naked.

He swallows and he says, "No."

I'm sitting here thinking: Syaoran Li wants me.

So kiss me already.

I say, "We're swimming now."

I slide into the water.

He takes of his shirt and he says, "How long have you been out here like this?"

"Couple minutes."

He takes off his pants and he says, "Try not to think about how many guys are looking out their window getting their rocks off at a naked pool girl."

"I was trying."

He gets in the pool.

And that's when it kind of hits us both. It's like, boom, we're in a pool half naked together.

Again.

He says, "Deja vu."

I say, "Freaky."

My arm goes: bleed

And we're just looking at each other.

He wipes some of the blood of my arm.

"Does it hurt?"

"I'm over it."

And the pool lights on, so I can see everything, pretty much. I can see that he's perfect, just like I thought.

But I just want him touching me. I just want him holding my hand and waiting for me to go to sleep.

He takes a step closer.

I just want him healing me but i'll take what I can get.

He holds out his hand.

I just want to be telling him to not be afraid of who he is, but I want him touching me so I'll take what I can get.

I take his hand and he pulls me into him and wraps his arms around my waist. And I wrap mine around his neck.

This is the kind of heart falling feeling you get when something good is happening. Something you need.

Everything is different now because I'm pretty sure this is what he wants and I don't have to be anywhere else. I can finally forget about everything.

I'm just closing my eyes and breathing.

Then he kisses me. And his lips are so warm that I forget about my arm and my cheek.

I forget about blood and abusive fathers and Kaho.

He's kissing my chin and moving down to my neck.

I forget about the place we're staying cause his breath is so warm and he's being so soft that I can forget.

His fingers are in my hair and his other hand is moving down my leg. Not even water is getting between us.

I look up and there's something about the sky. Something different. Like we're not even here, like he's driving it all away.

We're not even here. It's not just me this time, he's coming with me.

He's grabbing my thigh and pulling it up the side of his leg.

I'm just closing my eyes and breathing.

He's kissing me again, slowly. He's pressing me against the side of the pool.

This is too much for both of us. This is sensory overload.

Our lips are still touching but I don't know if this counts as kissing.

We're just breathing. We're just closing our eyes and breathing each other's air.

The air he breaths is different than the air I breath. It's got a kind of life to it, an electricity. I can feel it in the back of my throat.

This is real.

This is really happening.

There's a slight shift in the air as he moves. I open my eyes and he's looking at my arm and he's looking tortured again.

He's touching my arm and he's whispering, "I'm not handling this very well."

"Handling what?"

"If I heal you, you'll see things."

"So?"

"So I need to tell you something first."

"Is it bad?"

"I don't know, it might be bad, it might be good, it's up to you."

"Tell me anything."

He takes a deep shaky breath and he says, "Maybe you're not the only one who's so good at lying."

"What do you mean?"

"You know my secret Sakura, you know my big secret. But I have others." He says, "Maybe you're not the crazy one, after all."


Another cliffhanger, don't you just hate me? Well the next chapter is really interesting there's a big turn of events so stay tuned, I'll try to update as soon as I can ok? So see ya!