Honestly... ok i don't think I should say sorry… I'm always late and I'm just 2 chapters away from the end… so yeah I'm going to finish this story soon… so let's thank the wonderful people who sent reviews:
watercircle: Well i hope you like Syaoran's confession, and I'm glad you know a little 'bout Roswell, so well I hope this chapter is worth the wait also… thanx for the review!
Cherri-star: Thanx for reading... I hope you like this chapter too!
midnight fire princess: Sorry for the delay but i hope you like this chapter too, Thanx for the review!
Ange Noir: Yeah i have heard of him but i haven't read anything but well since you mentioned it i'm going to try and read something... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review (I liked your new word!)
Apelles: Well i hope you like his declaration... I don't know if it's good but I liked it so yeah… well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!
babiriceball: Thanx for all the reviews and all the comments and yeah Sakura is a lot more innocent in the real story… but since this is an au… well thanx for the review!
RayeBBG: I hope you like this chapter and sorry for the delaybut life has been crazy… well thanx for the review!
Cristal: Well i really hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!
DarkJadedEyes: Hey Thanx for the comment it made me feel really good, i just love your reviews... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for your reviews!
Wind and Flame: Thanx i never heard such a... well such an interesting description, but I liked it… thanx for the review!
arcana caelestia: Hey Thanx... this chapter is not that amusing but well i think is good i hope you like it... thanx for the review!
Spin
Summary: ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS
What we are is this mixture. This Syaoran and Sakura blended frappe drink. A smoothie, whatever. This blended mixture of arms and skin and blood and tears and wet underwear and legs and detachment and fear and lies.
He doesn't want to let me go.
We're mixed together in this pool, and we sit here drinking each other's air because he doesn't want to let go.
I don't want him to let go either but he has to, because this isn't real yet.
This isn't real yet because I don't know him yet.
I'm talking to deities because this isn't real yet. I'm not sure I believe in anyone but I'm talking to deities anyway, just in case.
I'm saying: God, It can't be that bad, can it?
And I can't look into his eyes and he can't look into mine because we both know it can be that bad.
I'm saying: God, make me love whatever he has to say, no matter what it is.
So we're drinking each others air. He doesn't want to let me go and then he's gone to go get me a towel.
I can understand that. I couldn't tell him in a car, he can't tell me in a pool.
Cars and pools are shotty places for resolution. Plus there's nowhere for us to run.
I'm saying: Venus, show me something beautiful.
I'm saying: Death, make up your fucking mind.
I'm saying: Somebody, anybody, give me a fucking break for a change.
The gods are stirring around in the heavens and with my luck, I'm making everything worse. Who does that girl think she is, talking to us like that? Make that wound bleed a little bit more.
Make that head spin a little bit more.
I don't know what he could possibly tell me. I'm not even going to try to prepare, it would just be the wrong kind of preparation anyway.
What hurts the most is that this whole time I thought I knew him.
And I wonder what it could do to us. He couldn't make me stop loving him, but he could scare me.
He could make me afraid of him.
I'm sick of crying.
I want to stop crying now.
I'm sick of bleeding.
He pulls me out of the pool and wraps me up in this towel and I bet it's a bitch to get blood off of white towels.
We walk to the hotel room, clothes in hand, him after me, eyes to the floor, like a funeral procession.
I try to turn around and look in his eye but he doesn't let me, but I can still see what's in them. Doom. Fear. I can see that he never meant to tell me this in the first place.
He was just going to let it go, live on with some secret tearing him apart and me sitting there thinking this was real.
We get to the hotel room and I'm regressing now. I don't want to know. I don't care if this isn't real. I know him enough.
We can pretend, we're good at that.
Three weeks and I'm dead, but that's not completely true. Blood coagulates, wounds close up. They close up and you can still remember what happened but you can pretend it was never there.
We can just pretend this never happened.
Hope there's no scar.
He dries his boxers with his magician powers and his boxers are more worthy than I am.
I'm saying: Little cherry blossom, poor you.
He puts on his pants and sits down on the bed and next thing is he's got this bloody, crying, me all over him.
I'm resorting to seduction and I am in no shape to seduce, but I'll try it anyway.
He's got this bloody, crying me attacking his mouth and who even knows what my hands are doing. Bloody, crying me messing with the buttons on his pants and pushing him back onto the bed.
He grabs my wrists and my life isn't the only one that's falling apart.
His eyes are scaring me. He's afraid so I'm afraid.
He pulls me closer and he's hugging me to him and he says, "I have to tell you Sakura, I have to."
Bloody, crying me, shaking my head.
His eyes change to hopelessness. Bloody, crying me is not helping the situation. I can sense something, if he doesn't tell me then he can't be with me, it wouldn't be fair.
I can understand that.
I had to tell him before I could be with him.
I say, "What will I see Syaoran, what will I see if you heal me?"
He says, "Guilt."
We're this Syaoran and Sakura blended frappe drink on the bed. Bloody, crying me mixed with guilty, life-falling-apart Syaoran.
I'm saying: Tragedy, go away.
I'm saying: Romeo and Juliet, die already.
He's petting my hair and breathing and kissing my forehead. He's kissing my forehead like it's the last time before I run away.
His eyes drop down and this means get prepared if you have a good sense of insight. If you don't, then you're shit out of luck.
I don't, so I am.
His eyes drop down and he's petting my hair and he says, "I had a dream about us Sakura, we were at the poppy field, we were sleeping."
His hands are running over my arms and smearing blood all over the place. Blood is supposed to coagulate but it's not coagulating, the wound's not closing up.
I'm saying: Science, don't fail me now.
"When?" I ask.
"The night of the party."
This isn't such a surprise until he says, "The first party."
His hands are on the side of my stomach and he's frowning, smearing blood all over the place, saying, "You're a mess."
He's cleaning me up now, magician powers.
I say, "So did you know we'd come here?"
He shakes his head, "It was just a dream, I just wanted to take you here."
"So what does that mean?"
He closes his eyes and breaths, saying, "It means I'm a good liar. It means how could I ignore you after that, how could I not love you after that."
Me, I'm sitting here saying: First party, this doesn't make sense.
He says, "You know about dreams Sakura, I wanted you and I couldn't lie to myself about it, I couldn't even try."
He says, "It means I'm a good liar, it means that I didn't want you to know so you didn't know."
He says, "It means that I wanted you to think I didn't notice you so I made you think I didn't notice you."
He says, "I'm just as obsessed Sakura, if not more."
And what in god's name is he talking about.
I'm saying: First party, this doesn't make any sense. Best buddies is what we were after that night. Best buddies and he still couldn't look me in the eye and he still saved that smile for Kaho and he still went out on dates and gazed at her with that look and he wasn't fucking in love with me.
I still haven't stopped crying yet and I'm shaking my head saying, "You're getting your parties mixed up."
"No I'm not Sakura," And he kisses me, this tortured mixed up kiss, like the last one before I run away. He says, "You thought I didn't notice you even when we were friends. I was hanging on your every word, Sakura Kinomoto. Every second I had with you..."
"What are you talking about?"
"We we're friends. That was my first mistake... I couldn't not be around you..." He's dropping his eyes and petting my hair and breathing and there is so much going on inside of him right now. So much that I don't know.
He thinks that I don't want to know this.
"But I couldn't look at you in the eye... then it would be over. You thought I never looked at your eyes but every second you were looking away I was looking at your eyes."
He's falling apart and saying, "Every second..."
I'm just shaking my head because I don't understand what I'm supposed to be understanding.
I say, "You didn't want me to know?"
His eyes go scary. He looks up and maybe on the inside he's talking to deities. He says, "Do you know how hard it was, pretending not to care? I was good at it though."
He's letting go of my hands, he's detaching himself.
I say, "Kaho."
"Kaho. I went on dates with Kaho and we talked about you and Touya the whole time. She never even asked why I pretended to like her in front of you, she was too far gone, she didn't care."
He leans back, detaching himself and even his eyes are going distant. He says, "You told Dr. Reed that if you found out who the magicians were, you would have them publicly burned at the stake."
I thought I was out of tears but I was wrong. Did I do this to myself?
He says, "I found out that you liked me and you hated me in the same night."
The tears go drip drip dripping on everything. I don't want him detaching so I'm leaning forward with my hands on his arms and I'm pleading because I did this to myself. He ignored me because of something I don't even remember saying. I'm begging, "Syaoran I never hated you I just said things... I said... I said I was a snail in my past life... I told him that I fought in Nam... It was before I knew you..."
He's petting my hair and his thumb is on my lips. His body language is telling me to calm down but his eyes are so wet with tears that won't come out, they're saying that he's gone, he's detached. He's somewhere else.
He's not even here.
He says, "Magicians fucked up your life Sakura. I fucked up your life, I'm the reason you lie so much."
And I'm clutching onto him now, crying harder than I ever have before because once again I'm the guilty party and he's taking all the blame and I'm just saying, "No... no."
And he's gone now, not even trying to comfort me because he's not even here. He says, "Tomoeda got fucked up by magicians and ruined your life. Tomoeda made you have all these problems."
I'm pleading, "Tomoeda, Syaoran. Not magicians, Tomoeda has so many secrets and lies and rumors because it's a fucked up place and I couldn't handle it..."
He interrupts me with something in his voice, with contempt in his voice, he says, "Secrets, whoever saw the light and started all those true rumors screwed up your life, is that what you're saying?"
And I don't even know what he's asking and I'm saying "I… I guess, Syaoran... It just wasn't you... you didn't do anything."
I'm touching his arms and his face and he's just pushing me away, and there's this sort of closure in his voice when he speaks next, like we're nearing the end, like this is where I run away.
He says, "Nobody saw the light Sakura."
He says, "I started the rumors, me and Meiling and Eriol."
I sit.
I sit and not think about anything because I can't think about anything.
He gets up and walks to the other side of the room because this is him running away and not me.
He says, "Meiling and Eriol took the first group of people there, I caused another green light just for them to see it, we fucked up Tomoeda and everyone in it, we made everyone hate each other."
"Guilt, Sakura. Now you know why I hate myself. Now you know."
Seventh grade.
Six years ago.
Six years ago three kids go into this park, this place they call home, and they have this plan.
This plan is to start this rumor.
You wonder why at first but you have to think back. Think back and wonder what they were like, what do you remember about them.
Then you realize why they did it. Because you don't remember them at all. You don't remember where they ate at lunch and you don't remember if they were in any of your classes.
They might as well have not existed.
These three kids that hid in corners and lived in their heads and they thought they were helping themselves out.
These three kids that were alienated from everyone and no one noticed they had a problem.
What kind of town was it that didn't notice these three kids.
Seventh grade, maybe the town wasn't as great as you remembered it to be in the first place.
Or maybe the town never had anything to do with it.
Seventh grade, they were so young.
I was young too. I was this kid, this kid living in the world. I should have been happy, but something was off.
Maybe it was bad timing, puberty, who knows, I don't even remember anymore.
Seventh grade I started living in my head.
Seventh grade I started having these problems, I was this depressed kid, and everyone wanted to know why.
So did I.
Two months later these three kids carry out this plan.
They started these rumors.
This is the kicker: nobody cared.
Nobody cared until I got a hold of this rumor.
I milked it for all it was worth. I latched onto it for life. I spread it wherever I could. I was the first one to accuse, I was the one that made everybody care.
I was the one that made everybody hate each other.
I was the catalyst, if it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened.
People wanted to know what was wrong with me, I wanted to know what was wrong with me. So with the help of these three kids that I didn't know, I found this problem. I manufactured it. I made it mine. I made it what was wrong with me.
I have this problem, this problem with lying. I have this problem where I don't know who I am.
The biggest lie I ever told was one I told to myself. I convinced myself that magicians were my problem. I made myself forget about the manufacturing.
I never wanted to believe that my problem was self-caused.
I never wanted to believe that maybe there was something inside me that was just... off.
I never was one for taking responsibility.
Until now.
Because right now the only thing I know is that I don't care what's wrong with me. Because I know that I can be healed, and I know who can heal me.
And I know that if there is always going to be something wrong with me, there's a certain person that won't care.
You see, there's this person that I can't lie to, that can't lie to me.
There's this person that thinks he screwed me up when he really made me better.
This person was in love with me longer than I thought, this person noticed me.
This person was crying for help for so long and nobody noticed, this person noticed my cry for help.
We did these really horrible things when we were young. We've been carrying these things around, lying to ourselves all this time.
Both of us, we did this to ourselves because we did these things when we didn't know any better and we lived with it for so long. We created our own guilty lives, we made our own heads spin, together.
And together, we can make it stop.
My eyes are closed and my brain is working. I open my eyes and I see things.
I'm seeing things differently.
One might call this an epiphany.
Bloody, crying me is looking awfully ridiculous, sitting here in my underwear.
Syaoran is faced away from me, just waiting for me to run away. Head down, eyes to the floor.
No way in hell i'm running now.
His voice is so quiet and I barely hear it, he's talking to his chest, saying, "I'll take you home if you want, or I could call a cab for you... I'll pay."
I say, "No."
I say, "I'm still bleeding."
He turns around reluctantly and if he would just look at me he would see something, he would see me having an epiphany, but he's not looking and that's ok.
He sits next to me, sitting there hating himself, he says, "What do we do now?"
I say, "I'll die in three weeks if you don't heal me."
"That's it?" he says, "I heal you and it's over."
I grab his hand and put it against my cheek. It sucks when you're having an epiphany and the person sitting next to you is not.
I say, "Heal me and find out."
Connection.
How do I explain a connection like this.
It's harder than you think.
This is exposure to the umpteenth degree.
A connection is neuro surgery. A cut on the scalp and a drill through some bone and there's your brain, all opened up for anyone to see. Every detail. Dendrites to neurotransmitters, across synapses, to the soma, down the axon to the dendrite terminals and over and over and over.
Inside, Syaoran is laughing at my Science centered thoughts. I know this because of the flash.
I also know that he calls them flashes because of the flash.
These little fleshy colored brain cells are showing me everything he's ever known, because of the flash.
It's not just about what's under his bed or in his closet. It's not just about dirty laundry piled up on the bed.
It's deeper than that.
It's the little crumbs stuck between the carpet fibers, the ones that you never even knew were there, the ones even a vacuum can't reach. It's the way your bedspread fades under the sun, each little bedspread cell losing it's color and you don't even notice because it happens so slowly.
Syaoran thinks that this is a very good analogy.
I know this because of the flash.
Expose yourself as much as you can. Go as far as you can go. Physically, emotionally, mentally, get all around naked. Expose yourself until you think you couldn't possibly expose yourself any more.
Then expose yourself more.
That's what this is like.
And this is just the beginning, it hasn't barely even started yet.
Guess what, I know this because of the flash.
It's hard to explain in words because it's not really a verbally centered thing.
You hear some words, you see some pictures, you feel some emotions. But mostly, it's energy. This pure energy telling you things, giving you information in a way that you never knew existed. Like some sort of sixth sense.
This energy is telling you memories. The oldest memories are dusty, faded.
And it's intense.
It takes your whole body apart. You feel it in your insides.
I'm feeling his guilt inside my bones.
Start from the beginning and I'm seeing him as a kid, seeing his father, playing with things, a green aura surrounding him and his dad's face. But it's fuzzy, it's not completely there, it's like an idea, like a badly made, black and white, old movie.
I'm seeing his mom getting remarried and a funeral for three persons and a card glowing with greenish light. A little boy and girl hiding in the corners, using this cards. Holding hands because they are the only ones that can use them. I'm feeling Syaoran's fear. I'm feeling his fear but I see him being strong for his cousin because she just lost both of his parents.
This little boy is thinking that this is what all little kids go through. This little boy is telling himself to ignore the fear because this is normal.
He's so small, and he's telling his cousin that little kids make magical things happen all the time, because this is his only explanation.
I'm feeling the first time he felt ok. He's standing in this distorted field of orange flowers. The flowers are moving and swaying, up and down and all round, doing things that flowers don't usually do, like something out of a surreal painting. His parents are there, and his cousin with her new jean jacket with red flowers. He sees blurry edges, that kind of not-all-there feeling you have when you try to think of your earliest memories.
He wants to take me to this poppy field because he remembers that in the poppy field, everything is ok.
I'm seeing him realize that little kids doesn't make magical things happen all the time.
I'm seeing him realize that his dad abandoned him.
I'm seeing him realize that not all little kids can heal.
But he loves his foster dad and everything will be ok, they tell him that everything will be ok.
One time he heals this bird and his mother starts looking at him differently. No less loving, just differently.
Because that's just what he is, he's different.
I'm seeing his first day of school. His sense of completion when he finds Eriol. His terrifying realization that he's more different than he thought.
He's a magician.
And there's nothing more different than a magician.
He's this little kid and he's hearing people say that illegal magicians should be exported.
These three little kids are miserable and their parents don't know what to do because these kids barely talk anymore.
These kids don't talk to anybody anymore because they can't be noticed. If they're noticed then people will realize just how different that they are. They'll be exported.
They don't want to be abandoned again.
They grow up a little bit more and they feel more and more miserable every day. There's this sort of egocentrism that goes along with being an adolescent.
They don't want to be the only ones that suffer.
Their misery is so bad that they want to push it off onto other people, these people around them that they're starting to hate.
They don't want to hate these people but they do. They don't want to be noticed because it's dangerous, they tell themselves that all they need is each other and they convince themselves of this.
But deep down, they just want to be normal.
So they form this plan.
They can never be normal, so they make this plan.
This plan is to make everyone else the magician. Make all these people they hate feel how they do.
Seventh grade, they were so young.
I'm trying to tell Syaoran that I understand but then the pictures stop, the fragments of conversations stop.
And there's this rumble of energy.
A rumble of doom, you just know what's coming is bad.
Guilt, like some stampede of animals coming from far away, my insides are shaking. My bones are shaking.
And then everything stops and there's just Syaoran healing me on a bed.
I'm a wreck, I was a wreck anyway but I'm more of a wreck now. You can't control yourself when you're having these connection things and his hand is on my wet cheek.
He's giving me this concerned, guilty look. I don't know what he saw.
We're both breathing heavily.
I'm feeling this compulsion.
Me, with my weak voice, I say, "More."
I almost know him, completely.
His hand slides from my cheek, down my arm.
It starts again.
He wants more too.
Me and Syaoran, the only way it's going to work for us is if we know each other like this. We can't be with perfect people, we need people that make mistakes, we have to be normal to each other.
There has to be nothing left to pretend about or to lie about.
This is the hard part, because the darkness is coming. I see shadows, the dark chambers inside his mind, dank and dripping wet with guilt. He repented immediately but there was nothing he could do to take it back. I hear this quiet whispering. The only thing he can do is hate himself.
I see him giving himself what he thinks he deserves.
Teen queen Kaho. He walks through the halls at school and he doesn't give a shit about anything but hating himself. He has no hope and behind this stoic demeanor is hate. Teen queen Kaho. They having nothing in common, they have so much not in common that calling them opposites would still be saying they have more in common than they do.
Teen queen Kaho, they have nothing in common, nothing except that they both hate Syaoran Li.
Good enough for him, he needs a little torture. She's perfect, he's not, he forms a little unhealthy preoccupation.
But something happens, teen queen Kaho isn't as perfect as she looks, all of the sudden she doesn't hate him anymore, she wants to be his friend.
Enter me out of nowhere. Zero to lab partners in 3.5 seconds. He never noticed me because I didn't want to be noticed. But this one day, he had to.
He has this dream.
Enter me and I'm shaking up his perfect little world of guilt. What I am is not perfect, but what I am is perfect for him. I give him this feeling that he shouldn't be having and he wants me to go away and he wants me to stay with him.
Hence, we become best buddies. We continue to live in our respective heads.
I'm shaking up his world because he finally met someone as crazy as he was. Someone that might understand. Someone that might make him feel good but he doesn't deserve to feel good. Someone that he might understand.
He finds out that I like him and I hate him in the same night. He finds out that I know his secret and the guilt is at full force.
I see him thinking he screwed up my life, him thinking that if I knew he spread the rumor I would hate him even more.
He has this deep dark secret that he could never tell me. That no one could ever understand. He doesn't want me to like him anymore because I would just end up getting hurt. So he hurts me, he figures he should just hurt me a little because it will be less hurt in the long run. He talks about Kaho's eyes and he hurts me.
He's killing himself with guilt.
I hear fragments of conversations. He's talking about me to Kaho, they're becoming friends. She's giving him these romantic pointers, she's telling him that he's worthy. She's telling him we'd be a good couple because we're both whako. He's never had a friend like Kaho before and she's starting to convince him.
They aresuch good friends and she drops this bomb on him. She was using him at first, but then they became friends. She's glad they became friends but she still feels bad, oh, and by the way, will he help her kill someone?
I see this pool and he's slipping up. He's got himself in this position where I'm half naked and he's half naked he's losing his control.
Then I just feel this confusion. Pure confusion. I saved him and then I'm leaving town. I spend a weekend doing nothing and he spends the weekend talking to Kaho about what he should do.
The party, spin the bottle. Kaho suggested this because she's a sucker for romantic surprises and he doesn't think he'd know romantic if he ran into it with his car.
Which is just stupid, in my opinion.
He can't let me leave town. At least not without telling me how he feels. And he's still confused. He doesn't know if he's worthy or not but he'll have to try because if he doesn't it would kill him more than the guilt.
I see him looking into my eyes and I see myself. It's just me, it's not this hyped up, ultra version of me. It's just me in all my neurotic glory.
Me sitting on this couch saying I'm not playing and trying to be this mega bitch and he's seeing right through me.
Me, sitting there, neurotic, with all my unperfectness and I'm perfect for him. And he loves every unperfect-but-perfect detail about me.
To him, I'm beautiful just the way I am. He's not seeing things that aren't there. Just me and I'm beautiful.
He loves how I make fun of his hair. He thinks that my mean streak is sexy.
He loves how I gravitate towards pools in my underwear.
He's looking in my eyes and it's over.
He wants to see me exposed. He wants to know every thought that I think, he wants to know every emotion that I feel. He wants to know what I smell like and what my skin feels like. He got some of this in the pool but he didn't get enough, because I wasn't really there.
Syaoran Li wants me.
He thinks I'm this great big mystery. Not the kind that you don't want to figure out, the kind that you do. The kind that you'll die if you don't figure out.
And my insides are shaking.
I want him to figure me out.
We want to be the only people that know each other, that really, intensely, deeply, know each other.
We're obsessed with each other.
And now it's just all a blur. An intense blur. These fragments of conversations and visions and feelings are converging and twisting and turning.
And then everything goes quiet. Like this beautiful quiet after this release.
The only sound is us breathing.
We just breath, just sit here and breath in the quiet. His hand is on my arm, I can feel this. Every part of my skin that he's touching is pulsating.
My eyes open slowly and we're both in this stupor.
It's still so intense, intensity making every part of my body feel like it's weeping for something, for him.
I don't even know how I'm worthy of this. Girls like me don't fall this hard.
Syaoran sits there motionless, only his eyes moving. He's peering at me with this mixture of relief and apprehension. His hand hasn't moved.
I close my eyes and my breath is catching. I'm this shaky mess and I can barely breath.
His hand moves, sliding slowly down my arm. We both just sit here and watch his hand slide down my arm, trying to breath.
His fingers hover around my wrist, lingering there before he retreats his hand and places it on his lap.
We're both so tired now. He's awake but I can tell he's not completely here.
I say, "Um... wanna... go... to bed."
He just looks at me for a second. Then he grabs my hand and he's pulling me next to him.
I'm glad he did this.
We're holding each other now. And this is finally real.
His eyes are lined with red. He says, "Yeah"
We get into bed and he's on his side facing me. Touching my hair and arms. His fingers are tracing the line on my arm where the wound was and I'm closing my eyes.
He touches my cheek and he whispers to me, "I saw you almost die, I should have been there Sakura."
"It's over now."
He says, "Do I deserve this?"
"You deserve everything."
"So do you."
He leans down and rests his head next to mine, grabbing my hand.
He says, "I did some bad things."
"We both did... we'll make it better."
"How?"
"We just will... we'll think of something."
"Stay in Tomoeda Sakura."
"I will."
He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. "Wait for me to graduate and I'll take you anywhere."
I'm smiling in the dark. Biting my lips and feeling his breath against my skin.
I say, "Night Syaoran."
He squeezes my hand and nuzzles his cheek against mine.
"Night Sakura."
Well everything is better now, and they are so cute... they are also really crazy but añso extremely cute, wellwe are just 2 chapters away from the end… well I'm going to try to update ASAP but well I'm not making any promises ok? Well see ya!
