"Sometimes You Take It With You"

by darthelwig

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Rated T… just because.

I do not own Saiyuki.

Homura muses over past lives and old pains.

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Sometimes you take it with you.

Homura knew this well. He had yet to escape his own pain. Then again, he had no real inclination to do so, did he?

No. A broken heart suited him. It was no more than he deserved.

But he had seen others hold pain to their own hearts as well, and he wondered why people felt so compelled to cling to the things which had hurt them so.

Konzen had become Genjyo Sanzo, yet he still harbored some deep grief within him. It was clearly visible to those who had known of him when he was still present in Heaven. Homura could see it as plain as day.

And he saw how that soul-deep hurt affected Konzen's life in his present incarnation. Genjyo Sanzo was unable to trust… more so than was strictly called for by the losses of his current life. No. That weariness was bred into him… brought by his soul's past, instilled and ingrained so deeply that he would never be truly free of it.

Why had Konzen not let go of it? Why had his soul not tried to free itself from those ancient grievances?

For that matter, why had Sanzo himself not pushed his way past the supposed sins of his past to openly embrace his future? He was not a fool. Surely he could see how he limited his own true potential by stupidly clinging to old wrongs and failures.

Yet, the man had no need to rid himself of his past. He clung to it, much as Homura himself did. Was forgiveness so very alien to them both?

Or was it that the pain was so deep now that it was as natural to them as breathing?

Were both of them so afraid to change?

Sometimes Homura wondered if maybe he clung to the memory of his lost love because he was afraid to move forward, afraid of the future and living the life that had been set out before him. He did not want his fate to be so like his predecessor's. Did the pain give him something to cling to so that he did not allow himself to become the tool of his hated superiors?

Even he had no answers for this. How could he? He was not wise enough to know the difference.

He thought of Goku… a boy so much like himself that he felt much like a brother to him. They were very much the same… both heretics, both hated by those around them, both condemned to fates they did not deserve.

Only, Son Goku had escaped his cage, while Homura remained well and truly stuck.

Konzen had saved the monkey… had brought him out into the light once again. And, while the boy still possessed a deep, painful place within his heart, a place full of stone and darkness, he did not keep his heart bound to it.

How? Why? Was he that much more powerful? Was he so much wiser, with his child's heart still intact? How could he overcome the pain he had felt being chained and kept locked away where no one ever ventured? How had he survived?

Why did he want to?

Goku was able to let go of his darkness and embrace the light, but that light was part of a world full of pain and suffering, so why even bother? What was there in this world that was worth living for?

What had Goku's eyes seen that his own could not?

He envied Goku his ability to lay the past aside and move freely towards his destiny. He sometimes had the longing to try it for himself. But his heart was traitorous and would not allow such a thing.

He would have no reprieve from the heartbreak he had to endure.

And this he accepted as his due. He was, after all, simply a man… with all the weaknesses that implied.

Still, his mind wondered why. Why was it that some people could find it in themselves to let go, while to others it was as plain as this…

…Sometimes you take it with you.