Straight from the Horse's Mouth

"So you think you know the story of the four Hobbits and their meeting with Strider and subsequent journey to Imladris, my home? I think not. I was there. I witnessed the entire thing. So sit back and get comfortable while I tell you the true story of what happened"

"Every year, my elf, Lord Glorfindel, makes a journey to visit with his old friend, Tom Bombadil. I am given the immense pleasure of carrying the over-weight beast on this pilgrimage. But that year was different."

"We arrived at Bombadil's only to find the place deserted. This had never stopped old Lard-butt from raiding the larder any other time and this was no different. He crept inside and I heard him rustling around. A short time later, he returned with what must have been half of old Tom's liquor cabinet."

"Well, this was no great surprise. I was more likely to find snow in July that to see old Lard-butt sober. He stowed the bottles in my saddlebags, leaving the food behind on finding there was not enough room. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief, which earned me a sharp slap on the rump.

sigh I so hate it when he does that. I am not a punching bag. sigh But I digress."

"He tried to mount. chuckle Try being the key word here. He ended up backwards in the saddle after 8 attempts and I promptly set out for my home. He did not mind the way he was seated for it allowed him unlimited access to the saddlebags and liquor and I was content to let him drink himself into oblivion, knowing I could get us, or at least myself, to safety if needed."

"Anyways, we arrived at Weathertop and paused to watch Gandalf's lightning show. Boy can he put on some really fine fireworks. I did not care for the black robed creatures who were watching as well, but their steeds were mighty fine and, after dumping Lard-butt on the ground, I proceeded to have a very nice time with the only mare that was there. She was quite a nice l….

cough Uhm, I guess, I should continue with my story."

"Well, in the morning, that cute little piece of a…., I mean cute little mare, was gone along with the black robed men. Gandalf the Grey and old Lard-butt were going at it like a pair of bunnies during mating season. Gandalf was calling out, 'Ride em, Cowboy', and Lard-butt was just grunting and moaning. They were quite an interesting sight, but I soon got bored and sneezed in their faces, effectively breaking them apart."

"Gandalf helped my elf get back into the saddle, with his clothes mostly fastened correctly, and told him to scout around for a band of midget hobos and their pimp. I thought this odd, until I noticed that they had been sharing a bottle of Tom's specialty, 'Happy Juice'. Why they call it this, I do not know. It should be called 'Idiot Juice' or 'Make a Fool of Myself Juice' but no, it got called 'Happy Juice'…"

"Well, I finally had enough of their kissing and fondling and decided to take matters into my own hands. I started after that cute little mare. I knew we were hours behind them due to the errr…. Extra-Curricular Activities that Gandalf and Lard-butt were engaged in, so I set off at a nice trot hoping to make up some of the lost time. She really was delectable."

"Would you not know it? I cannot believe him. Old Lard-butt had to pick that very time to fall asleep and tumble off into a hedge of brambles. And if that was not so bad, he landed seated, embedding thorns in his backside. sigh So, we made camp. He did some funny maneuvering to remove the thorns but finally had to give up. He could not get to them. That 'spare tire' was in his way."

"I did my best to take care of him for a couple of days, but his backside was becoming infected and there was no way I was going to touch it or let it touch me. I was seriously considering leaving him and returning home to get help, when who should appear?"

"No, it was not Santa Claus, or even a jolly elf. It was the midgets and their pimp. But the best part was the nice little thing they had brought with them. Bill, he said his name was and I definitely wanted to get to know him better. The midgets were cute little pests, although one was quite injured. It would seem that his last client was a bit rough with him and they were trying to get him to Lord Elrond the Gay.

Their pimp, the man the elves call Estel, is some kind of healer and he quickly pulled the briars from Glorfindel's rump and then proceeded to sooth it in the same manner Gandalf had. I bet they could hear them yelling and screaming all the way to Gondor."

"I shook my head at them, doused them with an open bottle of liquor to break them apart and then knelt for the midgets to get their injured buddy onto my back. sigh If that was not an experience.

Rising, I set off for the Ford of Bruinen, wanting to get across before Lard-butt realized who had wasted his precious liquor. I was suddenly alerted by a noise and stopped. Turning, I spied those creepy dudes from Weather-Top, you know the ones with the nice little mare. They had just shown up looking for some of Tom's Happy Juice. Lard-butt raged at them about stealing other folks' liquor. Unfortunately, his ranting was ruined when he tripped over the fire ring and accidentally set himself alight.

I was torn. I had the injured midget on my back and he really needed medical treatment, I had Bill, all lovely auburn hair and melting brown eyes, and I had the hot little piece I had already sampled. I did not know what to do."

"My mind was made up for me suddenly when the dark dudes turned, saw my passenger and luggage and yelled,

'After him. He has the liquor and that piece of arse we aren't finished with yet.'

Realizing they were the ones that had injured my passenger, I decided the best solution was to hightail it to the Last Homely House, which I proceeded to do."

"Of course, the dark dudes wanted what I had and came after me. I stood for a moment, drinking in the sight of the sweet little thing, until I saw that she had red eyes and decided I wanted nothing more to do with her. Spinning, I took off as fast as I could towards my stall. I wanted to go have a nice roll in the meadow grass after I had dumped this sack of potatoes at Lord Elrond the Gay's feet."

"Well, I easily out ran them. I am of Mearas descent after all. And I crossed the ford with no problem. Well, no problem until after I got across and the little pip squeak on my back decided to throw up on me. I had no choice but to dump him onto the ground. I turned to see how far behind me they were and smiled."

"Someone had been taking a fizzy bath in the river again and the timing could not have been better. Big waves of foam came coursing downstream. They even looked rather like great white horses. Do not believe Gandalf when he says he created it magically. I think he was getting rid of the evidence of his and Lard-butt's exertions before meeting up with Elrond the Gay."

"Laughing at the fact that none of the dark dudes's horses could swim, whimpy, inferior animals that they were, I turned and pranced to the stables, looking for a groom to give me a bath."

TBC