To Be A Malfoy

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Thank yous: orlin, Power Punk, Sarahamanda, Yessica, catseye348, im no muggle, Ginny-and-Draco-fan, CountingSheep123, Wilting Rose 08, Goddess of Gorgeousness, and Beth5572.

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Chapter 17: Aftermath

It had only been a week since Voldemort's defeat, but to James it felt like months had gone by. He was worried sick about his husband and he was finding it very hard not to let the kids know what happened, they knew about Voldemort's defeat but they didn't know that Lucius was behind it.

Lucius had woken up the afternoon after James had been told about what had happened. He had barely said a word the entire week since it had happened, not that James could blame him, Lucius had been through a lot, but it still didn't stop the raven haired man from worrying. Lucius had never been a man of many words (unless he was angry), but now he was barely saying anything.

And the one thing about Lucius now that was practically torture to James was the fact that his blond husband flinched away every time someone touched him, just a simple hand on his arm and Lucius would get uncomfortable. Because of what happened all James wanted to do was hold Lucius and not let him go, but he knew the former Death Eater would probably have a panic attack if that happened and James really didn't want to upset him.

…………

James peered into Lucius's ward one afternoon and saw his husband was awake and reading the Daily Prophet, he pushed the door open quietly and went in. "Hey."

Lucius glanced up to him and gave a weak smile, "Hi."

James went fully into the ward and over to the bed, "How are you feeling?" He couldn't help but notice just how pale and withdrawn Lucius looked, not to mention the fact that he had quite obviously lost some weight.

Lucius huffed quietly; "I've been better." He put the paper down and folded it up. "How have you been?"

James smiled slightly as he sat down on a chair beside the bed, "I've been okay…been worried sick about you the though."

"Really?"

James raised an eyebrow, "Don't sound so surprised. Of course I've been worried, I care about you." He was taken by slight surprise when Lucius tentatively reached out and took one of his hands.

Lucius stroked the palm of James' hand with his thumb, "I know…I just find it hard to believe sometimes."

James furrowed his eyebrows, "Why?" Wow, that's the longest sentence he's said to me since before this happened.

Lucius glanced away, looking down at his lap; he still had James's hand in his own, "Nevermind…"

James sighed, he had almost been on to something but Lucius managed to squash that. "Okay… So, have they said when you'll be able to come home?" God did he hate this, they shouldn't have to be so awkward around each other. James would never hurt Lucius and he was sure his husband knew that.

Lucius shook his head, his eyes still averted from James's face, "No…soon, hopefully.

"Well he doesn't sound too enthusiastic about that. Thought James, he did feel upset.

………

James had spent a couple of hours with Lucius, subtly trying to see if he could get his husband to talk but he had only ended up upsetting him and being kicked out of the ward. He was now idly walking the streets of London, not wanting to go home because of what happened to Lucius down in the basement dungeon.

Why did Lucius have to use himself as bait until the Aurors arrived? We were happy before this happened…well, perhaps not that happy but none of us were depressed…I think… Oh god I don't know anymore!

James stopped in the middle of the sidewalk he was on before turning around and heading back in the direction of St Mungos. He decided to go and apologise to Lucius for upsetting him and quite possibly bringing back the memories the blonde had been trying to forget.

When he got back to Lucius's ward, James looked through the small window in one of the doors and saw that Lucius was curled up on his side, his back to the door. James nearly turned to leave again, assuming his husband was asleep, but then he saw the slight shaking of Lucius's body. …He's crying… He quietly pushed the door open and entered the ward, the curtains had been closed and the light had been turned off so it was fairly dark in the ward, but still light enough that James could clearly see Lucius's shaking form.

"Luce…" He got a sniffle and small whimper in reply.

James stood there for a moment, completely lost on what to do, how could he comfort Lucius if he couldn't hold him without scaring him? He gazed worriedly at Lucius's lithe shaking body for a moment or two before briskly walking over to the bed and sitting down on the side behind Lucius.

James tentatively rested a hand on Lucius's side; he felt his lover tense a little at the contact by neither of them made to move away from the other. "Luce, what's wrong?" Oh god, I hope its not because I upset him…I don't want to be the cause of a break down…

Lucius just squeezed his eyes tightly shut and stayed half curled up on the bed, he just wanted the pain he was feeling to go away and the best way he could think of was a memory charm. The childhood abuse he suffered was bad enough but having it happen again as an adult was almost unbearable, he had thought about ending it all but he knew he couldn't leave James alone, he couldn't leave his children with only one parent.

While thinking, Lucius hadn't realised that James had settled down properly behind him and had securely wrapped an arm around his waist.

James could feel the Slytherin's body tense even more now that Lucius seemed to have realised what had happened, but James refused to move and within a minute or two, he could feel Lucius's body start to relax but it was still racked with quiet sobs every now and again.

James pressed a kiss to the blonde's head and held him close, he couldn't help but wonder about how significantly their roles had changed. Up until about a week or so ago, it would have been him in Lucius's position, being cuddled and comforted by the older man, but now it was Lucius that needed the cuddles and the comfort. It was Lucius that needed to be held and reassured that everything would be all right.

……

It was late that night now, Lucius had drifted off to sleep in James' arms a while ago, James, on the other hand was still awake. He gently trailed his fingers up and down one of Lucius's arms as he thought, with all the worry he was feeling for Lucius, James had nearly forgotten the news he had to impart on his husband soon. He didn't know whether this was going to be a good thing or not, perhaps before this had happened it would have been, but now, it might not be.

James closed his eyes and breathed in the foresty scent that was coming from Lucius's hair; he nuzzled his husband's pale neck before trying to shut his thoughts off so he could sleep.

………

It was nearly another week later before Lucius was finally allowed to go home, during the time he had been awake and finally allowed out of his bed he had been diagnosed with a leg injury as well. Apparently there was a little nerve damage from a wound he had gotten in one of his calves.

James had snickered when he heard that, Lucius could still hear the words the dark haired man had said.

"I guess that cane's for more than just hitting me with now, eh?"

Because of his leg injury he had a limp and Lucius had decided he would try and make it better by using his cane to help him walk.

……

Lucius had been home for three full days now and James had noticed a definite change in his husband's attitude. He was talking a bit more now, not as much as he used to but even then that wasn't much, but at least he was talking now without James or anyone else asking him a question first. And after the initial cuddle and sleep in the hospital ward at St Mungos, Lucius quite willingly let James look after him, so long as their clothes remained on.

But there was one not so good thing that James had noticed, Lucius no longer slept peacefully right throughout night like he used to, only stirring if he got too hot or cold or he was thirsty. No, ever since he had been home James had been woken at least three times a night by Lucius having nightmares but the blond never wanted to say what they were about, although James had a pretty good guess.

………

James still hadn't told Lucius the news he had, he didn't want that weighing down on the man's conscience as well, thought he knew he wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer.

It was late one morning and Lucius was still fast asleep, James had thought it best to let him sleep as he had been pretty shaken from a very vivid nightmare last night.

"Hey Jay," said Sirius as he went into the Malfoy Manor dining room.

James looked up in slight surprise; he hadn't heard the doorbell ring although this was Sirius, so he probably didn't use it. "Hey, what brings you here?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow and sat down opposite James, "Am I not allowed to visit my best mate on occasion?"

James smiled slightly, "Of course you are. How are you?"

"I'm good," Sirius leaned back in the chair and surveyed James through scrutinising blue eyes. "How much sleep have you had since he came home?"

James shrugged, "Not much…he keeps having nightmares, he won't tell me what they're all about, I can guess but it could be more…"

Sirius frowned slightly, "So its not going that well then?"

James huffed quietly; "Did you honestly think it would?"

"No, I guess not…" Sirius ran a hand through his longish dark hair. "Have you told him yet?" James shook his head. "Why not? Maybe it would cheer him up a little."

James folded his arms over his stomach, "Maybe it would but…he really needs me right now, I can't turn the tables on him because I'm pregnant, he's got too much on his mind without me messing him up some more." He bit his bottom lip lightly.

"Tell him Jay, he's going to find out sooner or later," replied Sirius seriously. "And you're not going to know how he'll react if you don't tell him, if I were him, I'd rather be told than having to find out for myself when it starts to show."

"Okay! I get the point," snapped James, perhaps a bit too harshly, he knew Sirius was only trying to help but he was tired and cranky and pregnant. Plus, his husband was an emotional wreck; he couldn't do with being nagged by his best friend on top of that.

"Sorry."

James put his face in his hands and sighed, "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, I know you're only trying to help… I just don't know what to do about anything right now…"

Sirius gazed in concern as his best friend, who now had his head on his arms on the table, "If you ever need to talk, you know where I am."

James lifted his head a little and gave Sirius a grateful look, "Thanks."

……

Right, this is it; I have to tell him. Thought James as he wandered through the Manor to Lucius's study. As he did before the Dark Lord's fall, Lucius still shut himself in his study for hours on end, to either brood or read in peace. James pushed the door open quietly and went in, he saw Lucius was curled up in an armchair with a book open, whether he was actually reading it was another thing.

Lucius looked up when he heard the door close; he smiled slightly when he saw James, "Hi."

James smiled back and sat down on the couch, "Are you all right?" As he gazed at his husband he took in to account the amount of weight Lucius had lost in the last fortnight, it was perhaps a bit too much considering he had been fairly slim before everything went to hell. He made a mental note to keep an eye on what Lucius ate from now on.

Lucius nodded hesitantly; "I guess so."

James nodded, he got himself comfortable on the couch before he spoke again, "There's something we need to talk about." He couldn't help but notice the worry that immediately flooded Lucius's grey eyes, not to mention he looked a little fearful of something. "I'm not leaving don't worry," said James quickly, he saw Lucius relax a little again. "Its just something we both need to talk about."

Lucius tilted his head to the side curiously, "What is it?"

James sighed, "I'm pregnant." Lucius's eyebrows raised slightly. "I found out just before…you know…" Lucius nodded. "I would've told you sooner but…I guess I just didn't want to worry you with it, I thought you had enough on your plate." Before Lucius could say anything, although James was pretty sure he was going to stay quiet, he continued. "Look, I was speaking with Sirius earlier and I got thinking… I-if you don't think you can handle this, we don't have to have another child…"

Lucius's grey eyes widened slightly when he realised what James was saying; "…I don't want you to abort it on my accord."

"I'm not saying I will," replied James, "I just want to know what you think? Whether you think you can handle a pregnant me right now."

Lucius gazed down at the floor thoughtfully; "I don't know, James…you're the one carrying it." He looked back up at James. "I mean…if you want to have the baby, I don't guarantee I'll be much help…"

James nodded slowly, "Well, I still have a bit of time before I need to make a final decision, maybe we can talk about it properly some other time?" Lucius nodded in agreement.

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A/N: Yes I know, this chapter was a bit Dumbledore-less, though I'm sure none of you missed him too much :-P

Next Chapter: What is Lucius and James' final decision on the baby and James' parents make an appearance.

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