11. The Spirit Carries On
"Yes Harry, I am afraid you have to continue occlumency lessons – with professor Snape. Both of you have to learn how to work together. You cannot bear grudges forever." Harry bit his tongue not to yell at his headmaster. Snape was the one with grudges, not him. He hadn't even known Snape when his professor-to-be had already hated him with all his heart, treating him like dirt. He nodded silently and left the study, walking in direction of the dungeons.
o
"No. Potter! You are not concentrating! You are letting me penetrate your mind as easily as a cabbage. Not that your brain contains much more – except for that memory." Snape spat. "Always this memory. Get rid of it. You have no right even to posses it.
"Now, we will try again and I hope this time you are better prepared."
"It won't work, sir," Harry informed impassively. That pierced Snape's air of indifference. He faltered and for a split second he showed surprise. "What?"
"If you try to penetrate my mind, sir, you will always see this memory because it is the memory I see whenever I see you. We have to talk."
"Careful, Potter. Unofficially though those lessons may be I still decide what we have to do. I have no inclination to talk. Now, if we could continue …"
But this time Harry didn't back down. "No," he said firmly. "We will talk first." And without giving Snape a chance to react he continued. "I'd like to apologise for having looked into your Pensieve." Snape raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"But I think you made it possible for me to transgress in first place, sir. You should never have placed your memories outside my reach during practice. How am I supposed to learn something as important and delicate as this from you if I can't trust you because obviously you don't trust me, professor?" He took breath.
"That memory I saw, it showed me why you don't trust me. Because of how my father treated you. But I'm not my father!" He was speaking louder now, but still controlled. "I have never done anything like that, nor to you neither to someone else – not even to Malfoy. I've done nothing to earn your scorn. Do you think you treat me fairly? Well, I don't. You treat me as if I were responsible for the acts of my father. As if I had done the same stupid things.
"When I saw that memory, I wasn't proud of my father. I was ashamed." Snape gave a small jerk. Harry had yelled the last word furiously. Furious at his father, and at Snape, too. "I think I deserve to be treated as a different person. At least ignore me, if you have to. But as long as you look at me as my father, I will see you as in the memory."
There was a pause while Harry marvelled at his own courage.
"Let's see," Snape finally said in his oiliest, most dangerous voice, "hmm, yes, ten points from Gryffindor for daring to lecture a teacher. Now, I want you to get back to your common room immediately. We will meet again next week at the same time. Until then you will practice closing your mind every night before going to sleep. You will spend the remaining hour of this class writing an essay on the subject of the 'strength of personal feelings interfering with willpower'."
Harry turned on his heels and left the room in small but powerful steps, his feet stamping his frustration into the floor.
o
One week later Harry and Snape met for occlumency lessons almost as if nothing had happened. Harry handed in his essay – which in his opinion was quite good, even Hermione had found nothing to criticise – and Snape took it without a comment and started to attack Harry's mind. Harry had actually remembered to practice the past week and the training went relatively well. Snape did not once comment any weakness. The looks he threw at Harry, however, were just as hostile as ever.
Only later, when he had returned to the common room, Harry suddenly remembered that this time no Pensieve had stood on the table between him and Snape.
o
At the next training session Snape handed back Harry's essay. "Quite acceptable, Potter. However, you missed one important detail." His face showed smugness but his voice missed the usual edge when he said, "a strong feeling such as anger and hatred or … love," he pronounced the last word in a careful low hiss, making it sound like something disgusting, "cannot only be a handicap. Carefully channelled it can also be a very powerful weapon. –
"Potter. Why did you only show me the memory you stole from my Pensieve two weeks ago?"
"Because … I wanted you to see this memory. I wanted to talk to you," Harry replied warily.
Snape answered with a curt nod. "Potter. Why, do you think, did I not access another memory or emotion?"
Harry shrugged, making Snape groan in impatience. "Because I was not able to!" he hissed. "You blocked me out completely." At this Harry nearly fell sideways from his chair before recovering, struggling and finally managing to keep his balance.
o
"Constant vigilance," repeated Neville suddenly in a low, but clear voice.
"Constant vigilance," echoed the assembled members of the DA.
