Soak: Seasick Part III
A/N: This part took me so long! (And you can tell because it's such a long read. Your eyeballs will probably be sore. Haha.) But it's the most emotional, I think. Tamahome and Tasuki definitely come into realization of their until-now buried feelings for each other. And this chapter is where the title comes in! Hooray!
I want to give a big old thank you to all of my reviewers – I would be nowhere without you: ChibiKaz (the first one! Thanks so much!), Pointy-Eared Archer (thanks for the encouragement – I've never really thought of myself as a pioneer! Haha), Shunyata Ryuen (thanks for all your constructive criticism! You're an awesome writer so it's nice to get your feedback), Chiri (aww thanks sweetie!), and WhozThatGurl (how'd I do on this chapter? )
THANK YOU ALL! Y'all get a big tin of fudge, Tamahome and Tasuki plushies, and kisses from Tamahome and Tasuki. I love you!
The Storm
The seagulls cawing in the distance framed a peaceful background, where the sky and the sea met as one. The crisp, salty air blew the ship's creamy masts into a full arch. Earlier that day, everything had been perfect. Hotohori had offered to let Tamahome's family move into the city, where they would certainly be looked after. Tamahome had discovered Tasuki's weakness – he couldn't swim – and had had a joyous morning holding him over the endless blue sea. When he was with Tasuki, he found that he couldn't worry about anything. It was like something about Tasuki made Tamahome forget all his troubles, and he had felt nothing but joy when Hotohori told him about his offer. Tamahome had forgotten to worry. And now… just a mere two hours later… his world was gone. All he ever knew, everything he ever loved…
They were all dearly departed. All the other seishi called it losing them, but they weren't lost. Tamahome's family was gone, and no matter where he went – whether it was Qu Dong, Hong Nan, Bei Jia, or the ends of the earth – he wouldn't be able to find them.
The peaceful day had gone on without end. Tamahome had been a little surprised – he had kind of thought that suddenly the bright sunshine would be cut off, and the world would suddenly stop. But it hadn't; rather, harshly contrasting to the events. It had drifted lazily on, as if blinded to the deaths that had stained its edges.
So now, after a few, polite words to Miaka to keep his never-weakened protector act up, Tamahome was back to looking out at the sea. Nobody tried to bother him; even Tama the cat knew enough to leave him alone. Smelling the sea-drenched air, Tamahome remembered some of the words that a friend had said to him a long time ago: They'll be okay with the thought that you still care about them. But they hadn't. Tamahome's eternal care for his family was surpassed by Suboshi's anger and his hurt for his dead brother. Tamahome wondered if Suboshi and Amiboshi had a connection deeper than his. Because Tamahome's concern hadn't been enough to save them. And now, as he felt the sea foam spray upon his face, mingling with his equally salty tears, he knew that tears weren't enough to bring them back, either.
From the time that Tamahome came back from his family visit, Tasuki could sense that something was wrong. Tamahome's thin, transparent smile didn't hide his bloodshot eyes and pale, fatigued face.
Tamahome didn't talk to anyone – he was either cooped up in his room, or perched on the starboard, staring into the same crashing waves of the ocean that made Tasuki sick to his stomach.
Despite the fact that Tasuki couldn't stand to look at the dizzying waters, he spent half of his time there looking into the blue as well – vomiting. When he could control himself enough, he took care to empty his stomach on the port side, away from Tamahome. But sometimes, it was either run to the starboard, or throw up on the ship.
It was Nuriko who spread the tragic news to Tasuki. Tasuki knew that this time, he couldn't say anything, however idiotic, to make Tamahome feel better. Before, he was able to make Tamahome stop worrying about his family with a few simple words; but now that they were no longer on this earth, there was nothing more to say.
Not that Tasuki didn't try. Many times, he would start to approach Tamahome, but as soon as he left the cabins, all his words of comfort sounded stupid, even to himself. Thus, Tasuki spent most of his days either being seasick or watching Tamahome from a distance, sometimes pacing back and forth, sometimes waving around his tessen, sometimes just watching. And all the time trying to think of anything to make Tamahome laugh again.
Often, Nuriko or Chichiri would pass by, and hear Tasuki muttering to himself:
"I know that… um… naw, eh… why're yah so sad… damn… uh… cheer up, they're still with you, err… fuck!"
And then Tasuki would shake his head, run his hands through his hair, and pace again, brows furrowed and gold eyes glinting dangerously.
"I worry about him. I think the sea is making him crazy," Nuriko said once to Chichiri, shaking his head, but the monk just shrugged. "Hasn't Tasuki always been like that?"
-o-o-o-
One night, Tamahome, as usual, was sitting on his usual spot on starboard. The sky was unusually clouded over, and the stars weren't there.
Tamahome was back to not sleeping. Even though his worst nightmare had come true, when he was asleep, he kept on reliving it… when he saw his family amidst the blood… and Jie-Lian die in his arms. When he didn't sleep, at least, Tamahome could numb his mind with the hypnosis of the sea.
Suddenly, the door to the lower cabins slammed open, and Tasuki frantically ran up the stars, clutching his mouth, and practically threw himself down against the side of the ship as he threw that night's dinner back up.
Tamahome stared as Tasuki wiped his mouth, looking green, slumping down against the ship and holding his head in his hands.
"Sorry for the sound effects," Tasuki muttered, coughing. "Why're you up so late?"
Tamahome lowered his eyes, turning back around. "I can't… sleep again."
Tasuki bit his lip, staring at Tamahome hard. After a pause: "I'm sorry, Tama… I guess… I guess my idea didn't work."
"Idea?"
"Your family… even though yah cared till the end… they didn't turn out all right," Tasuki fiddled with his coat. "I guess I'll hafta eat my words from now."
Tamahome laughed shortly, filling up the silent night with an echoing sound that sounded strange silhouetted against the black. "It's not your fault. It's…"
It's my fault, Tamahome thought, but didn't say it. But Tasuki heard his mind's voice anyway.
"So then you're… blamin' yourself."
It caught Tamahome off guard. He was to blame. He wasn't home enough, didn't get to see his brothers and sisters grow up. He tried to earn enough money for his family to live and be happy, but he didn't realize that what they needed most was him. All the while, he was trying to help his family, and he ended up hurting them in the worst way. So of course, he was to blame.
"Tama, blamin' yourself isn't going to do anything. It wasn't yer fault."
And Tamahome knew that. Even so, the tears started to well up again, as if on cue.
"I just… think that if I was there more… they would still be alive." Tamahome's voice broke, and he found himself sobbing before he could stop himself, as hard as that day when he was painstakingly burying his family. He was surprised as he sunk down to sitting level – he thought the tears had stopped.
But unlike the cold, abandoned day when he was laying his family in the ground, now he felt strong arms hold him from behind. The familiar touch on Tamahome's skin, the warm body against his again felt like there was somebody to share his pain, to hold his burden. And even though that might have been silly, right then, Tamahome forgot everything else except that Tasuki was there. What power did Tasuki have, that was able to wash away all of Tamahome's hurt, however temporarily?
Tasuki didn't say anything, and that was all right.
"Thank you… Tasuki." Tamahome whispered. He still didn't understand why he let Tasuki stay with him, and hold him, when he hadn't let Miaka.
"It's nothin'. But hey… If you, eh, ever need somebody ta talk to… come find me."
Tamahome felt safe with Tasuki's arms circled around him, and after a long while of staring up at the clouds, Tamahome found that he could close his eyes, and sleep again.
-o-o-o-
It was night.
Ever since Tamahome and Tasuki's brief talk, Tamahome had tried to sleep. But it hadn't worked, and before he knew what was going on, he would find himself at the starboard again, gazing off into the distance. He was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with him or his mentality; maybe the fact that he was spending so much time staring out at the sea was his heart trying to tell him something – to end it all, to join his family, and to be happy again.
But Tamahome knew that that idea was silly as soon as it crossed his mind. Even if he wanted to (as some nights he did), he knew he had to go on until Suzaku's summoning was completed. He didn't want to be the failure of Suzaku.
Now, it was two nights later, and Tamahome was tossing and turning in his bed again, half-asleep while Jie-Lian happily died in his arms, her little blood-streaked hands touching his face.
The next thing he knew, Tamahome had scrambled out of bed and into the narrow hallway, where the only light was the moon's glow shining from the visible sky above. The ship's unsteady rocking on the water made Tamahome walk in an odd teeter-totter, bouncing from wall to wall like he was drunk. Once he slammed against Nuriko's door, which flung open, and Tamahome would've tumbled into the room if he hadn't clutched the doorframe.
Dizzily shutting the door again, he took two more steps, paused against the wall, and then tottered to the other wall – or rather, the door.
It was the door to Tasuki's room, Tamahome realized. He vaguely remembered Tasuki telling him to come find him if he needed someone. Oh, god, yes, Tamahome needed someone. He didn't want to spend another sleepless night dully glaring at nothing in particular. But at such an hour… was it all right?
Tamahome bit his lip and tried knocking, once, twice, three times. And then he paused, listening, almost hoping that nobody would answer.
But somebody did. "Go away, Nuriko, it's late an' I'm not in th' mood!"
Tamahome blinked, and decided not to decipher that one. Too many possibilities.
"Tasuki? It's… it's me." He called hesitantly.
"Tama?" Tasuki's growl melted into a softer tone, and a moment later, shifting footsteps were heard as Tasuki opened the door, fully clothed.
Now that Tasuki was at the door, Tamahome felt foolish. "I, uh… I mean…"
Tasuki pulled him into the room, ignoring his stuttering, and closed the door.
Tamahome leaned against the wall, stare firmly fixed on the floorboards somewhere behind Tasuki's boots. "It's, um, late. Sorry."
Tasuki shrugged, grinning halfheartedly. "Eh, I couldn't sleep anyhow. Too much damn rocking. So… what's up?"
The tears started up again, and Tamahome inwardly cursed himself for having soaked up so many tears from some unknown source. "I keep seeing… Jie-Lian… she won't get out of my head," Tamahome's hands went up to his face, clawing at his hair.
Then Tasuki was hugging him again, the warm sensation of Tasuki's body soaking into Tamahome, the memorable essence of forgetting wrapping him into a kind of painfully sweet bliss.
Tamahome collapsed, giving into Tasuki's hold, the tears coming faster than ever.
"I'm so scared, Tasuki! I don't want them haunting me anymore, but I don't want to forget! I'm so scared!"
Tasuki held him strongly, stroking Tamahome's raven hair, rubbing his back. It was all a fresh relief, but Tamahome knew that once he went into his own room again, the relief would leave him to the misery again. Tasuki's touch wasn't enough. It was good, but it wasn't enough to make Tamahome forget and move on altogether.
Even so, Tamahome held onto the feeling, though he wanted – needed – more.
It was then that Tasuki coughed.
And then Tasuki let go, one hand at his stomach, the other covering his mouth, his skin tinged with green again.
"Tasuki, what—"
Tasuki shook his head, heading for the deck. He was ill again.
"Fuck, I hate this—" Tasuki muttered thickly as he clambered for the stairs, but Tamahome, in a fit of impulse, grabbed Tasuki's arm and held him back.
And then…
And then, without thinking, as he'd been doing a lot of lately…
Tamahome kissed him.
The pain, all Tamahome's hurt was instantly lifted off. He could think of nothing else except for Tasuki's lips upon his. It was a desperate attempt, Tamahome knew, but the moment that their mouths touched, it was right.
Tasuki had stiffened at first, resisting against Tamahome, but after a long, long pause, Tasuki kissed him back.
It was so, so good; like all of Tamahome's peace of mind had come back to him, and yet fits of overwhelming emotions were rushing into his body faster than he could comprehend. It was a feeling of ecstasy. Tasuki provided something that Miaka couldn't – something that Tamahome couldn't explain.
Tamahome cautiously deepened the kiss: sliding his tongue into Tasuki's mouth, feeling Tasuki go along with him, holding him, crushing him, hurting him almost, but he didn't care. Tasuki made no move to push Tamahome back; his bout of nausea must have moved on.
For one, happy moment, Tamahome felt that he could and would stay with Tasuki. Forever. His pain would never come back, and Tasuki would be his rapture eternally.
And then he knew he couldn't. What would his family have thought of him being with Tasuki – another man? What would the other seishi think? What would Miaka think?
His family… Tamahome remembered how happy they were to see Miaka, something that Tamahome finally treasured more than money.
How would it be if he disappointed them all?
Tasuki must have thought the same as well, for he pulled back slowly the same instant Tamahome did. For a moment, the two stood with their arms around each other, foreheads touching, and the emotional ache coming back. Tamahome wanted so much more from Tasuki right now. If only they could… but they couldn't.
Ridden with responsibility, the two of them could be nothing more except friends.
As much as Tamahome knew that, he couldn't let go of Tasuki's body.
And then reason disappeared. They could make it work somehow. They could run off – desert everything and everyone – and live the rest of their lives together, happy, euphoric.
They could. Tasuki kissed Tamahome again, so passionate, so deep with emotion; and Tamahome took that as unconscious consent.
But Tasuki pulled away again, sitting down on his bed, saying the opposite of what he had just made Tamahome feel. "We… we can't."
Tamahome persisted, stunned. "Yes, we can."
"No." Tasuki stood up now, rocking back unsteadily as the ship lurched.
"Why?"
Tasuki stared at him a bit, seemingly exasperated. "You know why, Tama. You know why. I don' hafta tell you."
Tamahome knew that. Dammit, he knew why! But he didn't understand! "Why do we have to play by the rules? The rules that don't make sense! Fuck rules! I'm tired of all this!" Tamahome was feeling so impulsive now; telling himself that yes, he and Tasuki could work, even as his mind knew that it wouldn't. Hope against reason. Faith against logic.
Tasuki sighed in vexation, stiffly scratching his head. "Because we… aw, c'mon, Tama, I'm th' leader of the boys, and yah've got your responsibilities, like Miaka—"
"I don't care." Tamahome was clinging to a hope that wasn't there anymore, unwilling to let it go even as Tasuki told him to. He knew he sounded like a little boy. A spoiled, little boy who was unwilling to do anything anybody's way except his own.
"Tama… let me go."
"No." Tamahome squared himself, clenching his fists. "I'm not going to do that, Tasuki. You think I'm going to let you go, now that I finally can face my feelings for you? I've already had to let my whole entire family go, all right? I'm not ready to do that again."
"Yah gotta."
The blunt answer was so like Tasuki… so like him! And this time, it was the truth. And Tamahome knew. But his vision was clouded over with desire, faith, with… Tasuki. How could Tasuki, in so short a time, manage to soak his very soul into Tamahome?
It wasn't supposed to work like that. But it did.
It did.
And Tamahome felt himself hopelessly, exhaustedly slump down against the floor, cradling his pounding head. If he let Tasuki go, the nightmares would come back, this time ten times worse because him losing Tasuki would be in the nightmares: they would be the nightmares.
If only he was able to throw up his feelings for Tasuki into the blue sea like Tasuki did his food.
Tamahome didn't know how long he sat there, knowing Tasuki was right, and fighting his head, fighting against the urge to pull Tasuki down on the bed and…and…
When Tamahome looked back up again, the room was empty.
Tasuki had left.
-o-o-o-
Tamahome's kiss had cured Tasuki's nausea, but it had started his own mental seasickness.
And after that, Tamahome didn't see Tasuki much anymore.
Except from a distance… when Tasuki was seasick.
A/N: I'm writing the epilogue right now. It's a nice epilogue, I think – one you should definitely read if you liked this story. I'll probably be editing it a lot and making changes. So give me your feedback.
