Soak: Seasick Part IV
A/N: And here is the much allotted epilogue. There's not much dialogue in this part, but I thought it was needed to summarize the rest, because if I ended it at the last part, leaving everyone in limbo would just be cruel. Plus, that's the type of story that I'd read and get mad at for the ending. So yes. A HUMONGOUS thank you to all my reviewers. You all are so sweet, so helpful, and I wouldn't be here without your encouragement. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. This fic probably would have been dead. So you all know who you are - hopefully you'll continue to read my fics. And so it ends...
Epilogue– To Breathe Again...
Strangely enough, the world still didn't end. It went on, as did Miaka and the seven seishi's long, long journey.
Tamahome stopped trying to live the way he wanted to anymore. What did it matter… when the people you love the most are all gone, all taken away from you? Suzaku had given him a chance to fulfill his destiny and live life to the fullest. And Tamahome had forsaken it, whether it be that he was too weak, too hesitant, or too late.
So he let the rest of his life flow around him and drag him under with it, instead of trying to go against the current and breathe the fresh air of true happiness.
He found that gradually he could love, really love, Miaka. She was so naïve, so defenseless, that she needed a protector for always. And some of her quirks weren't so bad after all. He could spend the rest of his life with her, and forget. Tamahome occupied himself with looking out for her in the day, rushing to her side every time she called out his name. He eventually pushed everything out of his mind, body, heart, and soul except for Miaka. She was now his sole reason for living, and his sole purpose of being on this earth. Tamahome managed to forget to the point of amnesia; when he brushed against the flaming red hair that he once tangled his hands within, he felt no pain; when he glanced at the tormented gold eyes that he had once looked deep within, he saw nothing; when he bumped into the warm body clothed in silk that he had once held with his arms and his heart, his skin no longer prickled; when he heard the familiar low voice ridden with cussing, he no longer understood the past conversations he'd held with a past lover.
Tasuki seemingly felt nothing as well, and if he did, he drowned them in his sake and Tamahome never even thought about going to talk to him again.
At first, Tamahome had the nightmares again, except his family wasn't in them at all. It was all consumed with Tasuki, what could have been… what could have been, had Tamahome and Tasuki chosen that path. But they hadn't. And this time, there was nobody to come take Tamahome's nightmares away from him. For a time, it was all right; Tasuki was in his nightmares, and that was what mattered, even if every time he dreamed it broke Tamahome's heart all over again. He could talk to Tasuki in his dreams. In reality, when the sun was up, he shouldn't and couldn't.
He had forgotten, and it was done.
Tamahome focused instead on Miaka, his world now. And gradually, dreams of Tasuki faded away. Tamahome could sleep now, rather dreamless, colorless sleeps, though always tainted with a somewhat haunted air.
After finally summoning Suzaku, Tamahome actually gave up his memories to become Taka. When Miaka told him that in order to become Taka, he would have to start over, become someone else, with no memory of what had happened in the past, Tamahome hesitated, a sudden burst of somebody other than Miaka flooding his mind for the first time in a long while. A part of him was screaming for him not to do it, while the other part of him told him it would be better to forget. Why live the rest of life with pain?
Tamahome chose to escape.
But even in his easy way of escape, Taka found that he could not forget. Of course, he forgot Tasuki and everyone, everything else. But certain remembrances would cause an unknown tear to come forth, an unconscious agony to flare up again. And when he received his jewel of memory from twenty-one-year-old Tasuki, it all came back to him.
The stupid bickering, the long talks when he couldn't sleep, the prickling skin, the shade of an oak and two intertwined hands, the bright moonlight on the ship… the kiss that still burned his lips… and the parting. Taka could never part from this brief but powerful bond between him and Tasuki no matter how hard he tried, whether it was forgetting, being reborn, or sleeping.
The jewel of memory was like reading a story about his past, overlooked life, and Taka was both disappointed and hurt at how anticlimactic the parting was.
Could that really have been the end? Just stupid responsibilities getting in the way, Tasuki walking out, and never facing feelings again?
Even as he said that to himself, Taka willed himself to disregard it all over again, though the nightmares hit him forcefully again. He and Tasuki never talked about it when he was reclaiming his jewel of memory. He watched as Tasuki was overcome by a spell and attacked Miaka, his argument being that Taka hurt her too much.
He knew that Tasuki was, in a last attempt, trying to get Miaka out of the way so that he could have Taka for himself. But in the end, Tasuki still gave him up.
Taka did hurt everyone he loved too much. It was the one thing he could effortlessly achieve, and the one thing that he had brought from one world to another.
He did it again as he walked away from Tasuki another time after the jewels of memory were all received. This time he didn't even bother to look back.
And then, when he acquired another chance to go back into the book when Mayo vanished into it, Taka carefully avoided Tasuki on the inside, though he fought alongside him like the allies and friends that they now were… only friends.
He knew, somehow, that it'd be the last time he'd see Tasuki. That he'd never spend another night quarreling about useless junk like the wet boots on the bed, or laugh with him over a jug of sake, or feel his body against his, the glinting fangs grinning at him.
Before Taka left, he paused to look at Tasuki, one last time. Tasuki was looking normal, with a carefree and casually cool look gracing his face, but Taka once again thought about how, maybe it was all a charade, masking the pain behind his dangerous eyes.
Tasuki had suddenly returned Taka's gaze, and for one moment, one moment, Taka held Tasuki's heartrending sorrow in his hands again.
And then,
And then it was over.
The night after Taka returned, he lay in bed looking at the moon. Suddenly, he heard, "I'm sorry, Tama. I guess… I guess my idea didn't work."
And then, out of nowhere, the tears started again. Miaka was asleep beside him, so Taka hardly bit his lip, choking back the wrenching heaves that tried to burrow themselves out of deep within. But, like his undying love and care for Tasuki, Taka did not allow it to surface, biting it back, forcing it back down to a corner of his heart.
Miaka's love for Taka never healed the wound. It was something to cover up for it, something that Taka could smile about, though the smile was never full nor completely genuine. Because he always had, and always would care about Tasuki. He had lost a part of him when he lost Tasuki.
He wondered if Tasuki was still all right with the thought that Taka still cared.
But then, his family hadn't been… so maybe Tasuki wasn't, either.
Care wasn't enough. To be there was enough. To be there. Care… wasn't enough.
It was over.
Taka, before drifting off into a restless sleep, wondered if Tasuki still traveled by ship.
And if he did, if he was still physically seasick.
Or maybe it was all emotional seasickness now, like his.
-Fin-
The worst is over now, and we can breathe again,
I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away,
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to find
I want to hold you high and steal your pain…
'Cause I'm broken, when I'm open,
And I don't feel like I am strong enough,
'Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right, when you're gone away…
You've gone away, you don't feel me here… anymore.
- Broken (Seether ft. Amy Lee)
I watched the walls around me crumble,
But it's not like that will build them up again,
So here's your last chance for redemption,
So take it while it lasts because it will end,
Don't want to be the last to know,
Don't want to be the one to chase you,
But at the same time you're the heart that I call home.
I'm always stuck with these emotions,
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole…
And my tears are turning into time I've wasted
To find a reason for goodbye…
I can't live without you, can't breathe without you,
I dream about you honestly tell me that it's over…
Because the world is spinning and I'm still living,
It won't be right if we're not in it together,
Tell me that it's over…
- Over (Lindsay Lohan)
A/N: Okay.. so maybe that wasn't much better than a cliffhanger ending. So here's your option: either stop reading now if you like sad endings, or go on and read the optional one (i already posted it). it's sort of happier, I guess, so this way I can please both types of audiences (though that's not what I do most of the time). This time, though, I was sort of reading it over, later, and was mad at myself for seperating Tama and Tasuki in the end. So I wrote a sappy ending for myself. And then I decided to include it.
It doesn't have to be the actual ending: it's just an option. So read on, if you like. But don't yell at me if you don't like it. Thanks to everyone - gift baskets all around!
