Aryll-link: This one is as I promised, back to Olivia.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the SVU.

Note: Text in italics are the diary entries from Phoenix's diary.


The sun wasn't even up when 100 15yr olds including Olivia walked onto the training field.

"Alright stop complaining! Hurry up and get into places!" A guard snapped, watching the children scurry around into lines.

"Today it is gun skills again seeing as you lot where shit the last time you did it." The second guard snarled. "Pistols are over in the corner on the table. I want you to pair up and pick a colour, wait for me outside the starting point. Phoenix you come with me for some special training."

Olivia watched as the guard handed Phoenix a metallic hand, and she put it on.

"Yo earth to chick." Moppit called out to Olivia. "Come and grab your gun or all the best ones will be gone!"

Olivia hurried over to Moppit. "What are we doing?"

"Going in the Maze of Doom." Moppit said, like the name meant nothing. "These guns are filled with paintballs, different colour for each group. If your shot you leave the maze, first four out have to go in round two, with several others from different year levels."

"What is round two?"

"Now round two is the one you want to miss." Rednut said, appearing behind Olivia. "In round two you have guns again, but this time they are real bullets. Last one standing goes back to training, it's our way of eliminating the weak."

"But that is horrible!" Olivia exclaimed.

"Toughen up petal and you'll get through this." Rednut shrugged.

"Yea like it worked for you." Phoenix laughed from behind.

"What did you get?" Olivia asked, looking at the metallic hand.

"Flamethrower, for close combat use." Phoenix explained as she showed them all the hand. "Fire comes out of the fingertips here by this button on my wrist." As she pushed the button a short burst of flames shot out.

"Wow, that is one sweet weapon." Moppit said as he admired the hand.

"Yea it is I even get to miss the first round." Phoenix had a gloomy look on her face.

"Ouch that is tough." Rednut sighed, while loading his gun.

"And what does that mean? You're not going to compete at all?" Olivia was holding her gun quite nervously.

"Na, I go straight into the second round."


Olivia had thought that her background training as a cop would help her, but as soon as the first few paintballs whizzed over her head she knew she was in something completely different to what she had been trained for.

"Go to hell looser and say hi from me!" Olivia could hear Rednut shout from the other side of the wall. The sound of shuffling footsteps behind her made Olivia whirl around on the spot and shoot in the direction of the sound, followed by someone cursing…loudly.

Her heart was pounding in her ears as she slowly walked through the maze towards to what she hoped was the end. After several steps she came to a fork, and after a moments thought she turned left and headed down the path, gun held out in front. As she cautiously walked on her senses felt like they where in overdrive. Her ears picked up every single sound as she walked, making her quite paranoid. The crunching sound of someones foot on rocks behind her startled her and she spun around, firing a single paintball in the direction of the sound. A short brown haired boy stood in front of her, a blue stain on his clothes where his chest was. He stared at Olivia for a while, before dropping his gun and walking away. After what seemed to Olivia like an eternity a loud bell rang, signalling the end of 'Round One'


A smiling Phoenix surprisingly greeted Olivia as she walked out of the maze.

"What are you smiling about?" Olivia questioned.

"Oh…nothing interesting…just memories." Phoenix said, quietly humming a tune.

"When are you never in your memories? It's like a second home to you." Rednut scoffed, walking up to them.

Phoenix punched Rednut in the arm. "Like you can talk." She snarled.

Rednut walked right up to Phoenix, his face just centimetres from hers. "What are you implying here?"

Moppit walked up to where the three stood. "Stop arguing lovebirds."

Olivia watched as Phoenix growled at Moppit's comment. She was sure that Phoenix was going to snap at Moppit at any minute but she made no move what so ever to attack him, instead she just walked towards the entrance to the maze. Olivia made to say a comment to the boys when Rednut said something nasty to Moppit and a huge argument broke out between the two.

"Don't worry stuff like this happens all the time."

Olivia turned to see Darkness leaning against a pole, watching the boys argue with a slightly amused look on his face.

"How come you didn't do this?" Olivia walked over to where the boy stood.

Darkness shrugged. "Hackers just don't do this type of stuff."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You're a hacker?"

Darkness nodded. "Come, I'll take you back to the sleeping quarters if you want, I'm on my way there now to pick up a few things."

"Thanks for the offer but I think I'll stay here and see how Phoenix does." Olivia said.

"They're gonna be there for a while, besides you can't see anything." He lowered his voice just so only Olivia could hear. "Besides, I need to talk to you about your friend that you arrived with."

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. "Elliot? Is he ok?"

"Just follow me."


"You are expecting to see your friend tonight at dinner yes?"

"Yea…" Olivia couldn't quite see where this was headed, and it was hard to read Darkness, he always had the same facial expression.

"Well he won't be there. Him and several others have been sent to Russia to help with a minor feud between our allies in Russia and Chechnya." Darkness studied Olivia's reaction to this, and surprising enough, she didn't break down in tears in front of him, like what he thought she would.
"He'll come back." She said hoarsely, choking back the lump in her throat.

Darkness just nodded, grabbed his things and left.

Olivia sat on the edge of her bed for some time, unaware of she moving shadows as the day passed. When she finally looked up, she saw a book, similar to the one she found in Phoenix's apartment. She slowly got up, walked over to the bed and gently pulled the book out. Carefully opening the book she began to read.

Day 50 in what seems to be Hell:

I see your face through the fog...reminds me of the dreams you lost. I can see it in your eyes. Your broken down your hands are tied, and I know you cannot hide. It broke my heart; it felt so good to see you. I've never been one to put my trust in. WHEN DID I BECOME SO WEAK? OR HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN? I can't put all this back in place this gaping hole is filled with deceit. I fear that all my cries fell upon deaf ears. I care less with severed nerves...I go veiled in darkness and disease. This November swallows me whole...AND THIS MAY BE THE CLOSEST THING YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE TO AN APOLOGY...I CLOSE MY EYES AND I CAN SEE YOU DEAD...I hate you. You give me nightmares. I cry... and I scream...

Day 2 in new Foster Home:

I look around the room, and what I see is all the same. Barbie clones, fucking skanks, judgemental pricks. I sit here, in a crowd of thousands, yet I am so alone. With red wrists and brown hair, pain the world can't see but her pain is always there. I lie awake at night and have nightmares; the images in my head wont go away. I wake up screaming and it's all because of you. Blood stains my white jumper; the loud taunts from my fellow classmates ring in my ears. Why... because I'm not the same. I don't fit in. It hurts me so much, and yet I don't cry. I have learned not to. I never cry. I walk out of the classroom and sit in the dark toilets, shaking, as I pull the knife out of my bag and let the blood flow from my wrist. It hurts like hell, but to me its nothing but a daily tradition. The only person she is hurting is herself. The others don't care. My best friend is gone. I pushed him away like everyone else. I'm nothing to no one...and I know it.
As I walk along, people's stares go right through me, burning holes in my already dead body. Maybe when I'm dead they will realize what they did to me? I walk away, without looking back. My heart has been paper cut in half, and the person who holds the other half is gone from my life forever... I have just enough to let me live a little longer, but my life is nothing but an endless struggle, trying to see the light but always falling short of what I am meant to be. I think I'd rather die and give you both pieces of my bleeding heart...it belonged to you in the first place.
YOUR HOLDING MY LIFE IN YOUR VERY HANDS...WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE TO DO WITH IT?
I stand tall one last time, I scream, and YOU take my life.

The sound of footsteps in the hallway brought Olivia back to her senses. She quickly stuffed the book under her own pillowcase as Phoenix, Moppit and Rednut walked back to the cell.

"Man that was one SWEET weapon." Moppit said as he walked inside.

Rednut sighed. "Yes like we have heard for the millionth time already."

Phoenix laughed.

"So how did you go?" Olivia asked, her eyes scanning Phoenix for any injuries.

"Well I'm still here aren't I?"

"Yea unlike the other bastards that got fried!"

Olivia's eyes widened. "You actually used that…that…thing?"

Phoenix shrugged. "Well it was either me or them."

The familiar sound of a bar being rattled against the cell bars rang throughout the room.

"Lights out!" Edward yelled.


That night Olivia couldn't sleep. The phrases she had read earlier from the diary was still visible in her mind. The fact that the book was still under her pillow didn't help either. Eventually giving in to temptation she pulled the book out from under her head, and using the moonlight she continued reading.

The pressure, the pain, the tears. She never thought it would come to this. There's a reason for it all. The make-up covered face, the long-sleeved shirts. She's hiding.

The make-up, she feels, is covering her fears, her hurt, her insecurities. It's her mask. Hiding her true self, from a world that has caused her so much pain. The shirts, to hide her cuts, to hide her scars. To hide the only thing that keeps her sain. What they don't realise is that this holds her together. Keeps her going strong.

But they see it differently. Another depressed, suicidal teenager. Who is desperate for a way out of the hole she has dug for herself. If only they knew! They throw drugs at her, claiming they can elevate the so-called suffering. Is she trying to prove she's different? Why does she put herself through this day after day?

Why can't the leave her to live her life the way she wants. She's not insane, just trying to make it through the days, as they draw her closer to her last breath. She knows they have questions. Some have answers, some don't. Maybe they're just asking the wrong questions. She wants to find a way out more than anyone.

The claim they don't judge her, but as she lies upon that cold couch, in that dark room, and the thoughts of sending her away run through his head. "She's got to be insane. To do this to herself day after day." He blames it on her music. It can't be good for her. It holds to much violence and self-mutilation within it.

She cries her self to sleep each night, knowing that it's ripping her family apart. But what can she do? Her parents always blame themselves for her actions. They must be stupid or in self-denial. But why would they let her ruin their life?

Her mother always cries, her father always yelling. Her younger brothers never know what going on. Maybe if she ended it all and left, would things be better for them? They might be happier. Her mother wondering where she went wrong. Why her daughter never smiles. Her father, who won't speak to her, thinks she's being silly, he thinks it's just an act.

The only thing that removes this pain, even for only a short while, is dragging. Dragging the blood stained razor over her wrist, and then waiting as the blood pours out the pain she conceals. There's something you must understand about this girl. She never meant for them to see. She never meant for them to find out. How, you may ask, do I know so much about this girl? It should be clear by now.

I AM SHE!


Aryll-link: Many thanks to one of my friends for letting me use some of her blogs in this story. She shall remain anonymous but she knows who she is . Thanx babe! R&R plz!