Chapter 14 --- Alternate Ending

Josh managed to hold back the tears until the three women left the small conference room, but then they fell, quietly. He could hear Donna crying too, and he pulled her head to his chest and held her close. He kept telling himself that she was alive; this was good news. But in the very back of his mind, the part he didn't want to acknowledge, he couldn't help wondering if given the choice, she would haven chosen to live under these circumstances. She might never walk again, hell, might never even move half of her body again. Her memory was… gone; she was never going to live alone again. This woman, who survived the death of her only daughter and the love of her life, and let it strengthen her, who taught high school literature for 38 years, who volunteered with at-risk programs after she retired, who one day decided to up and leave Connecticut and move to sunny Florida just had every thing taken away from her. How was he going to tell her that, how was he going to say that to her?

Donna clung to him; it broke her heart to see his heart break. Yet here he sat, holding her. Yes, he was crying, but she wondered who wouldn't be at this point. Still, he didn't sob, he didn't try to argue it away, he just sat quietly and held her, somehow being the strong one, even now. She leaned against him a little more and he wrapped his arms around her tighter. How many times had he done this, she thought to herself. How many times had he been the strong one, even when he was so weak himself? She doubted that anyone ever noticed it but her. She thought back to the hospital, the other one. He lay there in the ICU after a fourteen-hour surgery, half in and half out of consciousness, and she walked in determined to be strong for him. But then, she had looked at his face and broken down. And with strength he couldn't have had, he reached out and held her hand. How many times while he was recovering did she see him grit his teeth in pain and then see how much it scared her? And every time, he pulled her to his chest so she could hear his heart beating, and he promised her he'd be fine. How badly had he been hurt by what she did with Cliff Calley? She'd never seen him like that before, but still, he made the deal, he took her to the park, he talked to Cliff so she wouldn't have to. And she saw the tears in his eyes when he told her about Mrs. Landingham, yet still, he held her while she cried. Just like now, she thought.

Several minutes later, she sat up and smiled at him, rubbing her thumbs across his cheek, wiping away his tears. He pulled her close and kissed her cheeks, her eyelids and finally her lips. "I need to go talk to my mom," he said quietly.

"What are you going to tell her?"

"Everything. She deserves the truth."

She nodded at him. "Do you want me to come?"

"No, I should do this alone, but thank you for offering. Why don't you go down to the cafeteria and eat? It's almost four, you haven't had anything since breakfast."

"I'm not that hungry."

He shook his head. "You scared me last night, you could barely stand. You need to be eating and you need to be sleeping."

She smiled a little at him. He couldn't help his mom, but he could help her, if she let him. "How about this? I'll go eat something light and when they give your mom that stuff to make her sleep tonight, we'll grab real food on the way back to the condo."

He was hardly in the mood to be social, but real, non-cafeteria food sounded good. "Chinese take-out?"

She nodded. "Anything you want."

"Deal," he said, standing and pulling her up too. "Now go eat something."

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

He walked to his mother's room and took a deep breath before opening the door and walking in. A nurse, one that seemed to be his mother's favorite, was putting a few pillows behind her back and helping her sit up a little. He stood next to the door and watched until the woman was done, and then smiled at her as she left. Finally, he went to the right side of his mother's bed and sat in what had become his chair. "How you feeling?" he asked her quietly.

Instead of answering, she asked, "Where's Donna?"

"I sent her to the cafeteria to get lunch. How much you want to bet she comes back with something for me?"

"You love her," Elizabeth stated as fact.

"Desperately," he replied, with a small smile.

"Tell her," she said.

He looked down at his lap and then back up at her. She had always been untouchable in his eyes, but she wasn't untouchable, and this was proof. "I already did, we're… together now. I told you yesterday, remember?"

She looked at him as if trying to figure something out. "You did?" He nodded. "I'm sorry…"

"No, don't be sorry Mom," he said, shaking his head. "It's not your fault." He leaned over and put his head in hands, his elbows resting on his knees. "It's not your fault," he said again quietly.

"Told you," Elizabeth said a minute later.

Josh looked up and then sat straighter in his chair. "Told me what?"

"Donna."

He smiled, a real smile this time. "Yes Mother, you told me many times. Many, many, many times."

She smiled back at him. "Marry her."

He closed his eyes and shook his head, smiling even more. "We've only been dating for one day. Can I have a little time, please? Besides, everyone here already thinks we're married, thanks to you."

She shrugged innocently and Josh's smile faded when only her right shoulder went up. He took her hand in his. "I talked to your doctor and therapists a little bit ago," he said, looking at her hand rather than her face.

"And?"

"You're going to be busy. Two hours a day of physical therapy, two hours of occupational therapy and an hour of speech therapy."

"And?"

He looked up and met her eyes. "And they're worried about your left side, but they're pretty confident you'll get better at the swallowing." She stared at him. "Mom, it's going to be several months before we can even discuss you living alone, and then… it's un… it's unlikely, Mom."

She looked at him, really looked at him for a long time, and he wondered if she even understood what he had said. She didn't yell or deny it, didn't accuse him of lying, she just sat and stared at him. "Mom?"

"Why?"

He took a deep breath. "They don't know if you'll gain enough strength in your leg to walk again, and your short-term memory is… they're worried you could hurt…" He drifted off as tears came to her eyes. "I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have… I just… I thought you had a right to know the truth." He leaned over and wiped her eyes with a tissue.

"The condo?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yeah, I think we should sell it. In a week or two, you'll be stable enough to move, and I'd like to transfer you to DC." She shook her head slightly from left to right, "Mom, I want you close to me so I can make sure your getting the care you need. I can't stay here indefinitely."

"Not your job," she said.

"What's not my job?"

"Me."

"No, you're not my job. You're my mom." He ran his hand through his hair and spoke a little more sternly. "You're my mom whom I love, and I want you close to me. I want you to come over for dinner on Sundays and I want you to be on Donna's side when I act like an idiot, and some day, in the fairly distant future, I want my kids to know you, and not as that grandmother they only see on Thanksgiving."

She was quiet for another minute. "Not fair," she finally whispered.

"I know it's not fair, Mom. But…"

"No, you."

"Me? I'm not being fair?" He had hoped she wouldn't feel that way, that she would see this was the best and really the only option.

"You used the grandchildren card," she said smiling.

He looked at her and smiled back. "What can I say? I'm a politician, I play dirty." Her smile faded and he took her hand again. "Mom, it's not set in stone. Let's transfer you up to DC and see how therapy goes. If you can… we'll just play it by ear, ok?" She nodded at him and a few tears fell down her face.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That night, they had eaten Chinese take-out and discussed the game plan for the next day, and then, due more to emotional than physical exhaustion, they'd gone to bed. Although the bed at Elizabeth's condo was a queen size, they had cuddled together as if they were still on the twin, legs intertwining, chests moving together as they breathed, Josh curled up behind Donna, holding her close to his body. They had been that way for nearly a half hour, neither one talking, before Josh spoke quietly. "This isn't fair to you," he said quietly.

She was quiet for another minute. "What isn't fair to me?"

"This. Having to go through this at the beginning of a relationship. I should be bringing you roses and taking you out to dinner and a movie, not picking up Chinese take-out on the way to my mom's house after spending the last five nights at the hospital."

She rolled to her back and then shifted onto her other side, so she was facing him. He kept his arm around her the entire time and when she was still, he pulled her close to him again and she put her arm around him and held him tight. "First of all," she whispered. "You and I aren't beginning our relationship, we're simply beginning the next phase of it."

He sighed and held her even closer. "Yeah, but…"

"For another thing, I can be your best friend and your… the woman you're with. I can be both of those things to you if you let me."

"I know, but you shouldn't have to be."

She pulled back so she could see his face. "You can't do that. You can't ask me to love you and then tell me how much I'm allowed to care. If you want me to love you, this is how I do it. I love all of you, all the time, period."

He brought his hand from her waist up to her face and cupped her cheeks in both hands. "Why do you love me like that?" he whispered.

"Why do you love me like that?" she whispered back.

"I don't know. You've owned my heart since the day I met you. It's not really something I've ever had control of. My heart simply belongs to you."

A tear slipped down her cheek. "And mine belongs to you. That's why."

He pulled her face to him and kissed her, long and passionately. He could taste her tears as they hit her lip, and he pulled away from her mouth and kissed her cheeks, and her eyelids, coming back to her mouth. Gently, he opened his mouth and licked her lips, tasting her, and she opened her mouth for him. Soon, his arms found their way down her body to her waist and he rolled them so she was underneath him. His hands snaked up her shirt and around to her sides, gently massaging her and her hands curled up in his hair. His lips left hers and traveled down her jaw and neck, licking the dip in her collarbone and then kissing the chest that was exposed by her tank top.

Then he moved down, kissing her stomach, her belly button, anything he could reach as his hands slowly pushed her tank top up. She held his head, her fingers in his hair, tracing patterns on his scalp, sighing and giggling as he licked and tickled her with his tongue. He took his time, exploring her, in no hurry, but finally, his lips grazed her breasts and her back arched up to meet his mouth as she sighed and her fingers dug into his scalp. He kissed around her breasts for several minutes before he took a nipple in his mouth, sucking lightly, and then her sighs turned into moans. Finally, she sat up a bit and took her hands from his hair, and he pushed the tank top over her head, his lips meeting hers once again.

"Are you sure?" she asked when his lips broke from hers and went back to her breast.

He took his mouth off her breast and looked up at her. She was beautiful. Her face was flushed and her chest was heaving, and she was looking at him with eyes that he'd never seen so blue. "Is it… ok?" he asked.

She cupped his face with her palms and brought him up to her, kissing him very lightly on the lips. "Is this…" she trailed off.

He knew exactly what she was going to ask and wanted there to be no question of him wanting her. "This is because I love you and only because I love you, and if you want to wait, we will."

She smiled at him and leaned up, catching his lips again. This time, her kiss was anything but light, and he pushed himself into her mouth, pushing her back into the bed. "Do we need anything?"

"No," she said, kissing him again, deeply, and he didn't think anything else of it because he knew he could trust her. He barely registered the feeling of her hands on his back, until he felt her tugging on his t-shirt. He pulled off her lips and helped her pull the shirt over his head and then he went immediately back to her lips as one of his hands found its way to her breast.

Still kissing, she rolled them onto their sides, and her fingernails began skimming over his chest, his nipples, his stomach. He groaned when her fingers started toying with the waistband of his boxers and leaned down to capture her breast in his mouth once again.

As she continued dipping her fingers into the waistband of his boxers, but no further, he reached around her back and pulled her closer to him. His erection was pushing against her thigh and she wrapped her leg around his waist to bring him closer to her center, which made both of them moan loudly. He paused from her breast once again and watched as his hands slowly pushed her shorts and underwear over her hips and down her long legs.

When she was completely naked before him, he rolled her onto her back once again and propped himself up on his arms so he could look at her. He thought of how many times he had imagined this moment; his imagination couldn't compare to the amazing creature before him. His eyes traveled her body slowly, openly staring at what he could only steal glances at before. When his eyes settled on her face again, she looked a little nervous, and he kissed her lips, her nose, her forehead, and her lips again. "You are… there are no words."

She smiled at him and he kissed her again, this time deeper. His hands continued the exploration his eyes had one moments ago began; she felt the heat of them on her shoulders, her breasts, her stomach, and then down to her thigh and her hip, and finally, she felt his fingers inside her and she moaned loudly and bit down on his lip as her hips came off the bed to meet him.

She could barely breathe, but somehow she managed to reach down and push on his boxers. He continued what he was doing and she couldn't stop squirming, but finally she got the boxers over his hips and pushed up towards him once again.

He pulled back from the kiss and looked at her, reading her eyes. He took his hand away from her and she moaned again, but a moment later he was filling her completely and she was breathless.

He made love to her slowly, deliberately, whispering to her over and over again how amazing she was and how much he loved her, while alternating between kissing her, her breasts, and simply burying his head in her neck. When he felt her climax hitting her, he pulled his head back so he could watch her face. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was slightly open, her tongue lying on her lip. She threw her head back into the pillow and said his name loudly as her hands clutched his shoulders and her fingernails dug into his back. Only when she was done did he begin thrusting into her again, a few more times before going over the edge himself, her name on his lips.

He lay on top of her for a few more minutes, both of them breathing heavy, trying to kiss between pants of breath, and then he finally rolled them so he was on his back and she was draped over him like a blanket. A few minutes later, they were both asleep.