Disclaimer: I, quite obviously, do not own Tortall or its characters. Alas, I also lack the copyright to Uncle Bumpo. Some Danish guy wrote him. Poor sap.

A/N: If you've ever been to the amazon.de and typed in "Daja's Book," you may have noticed that the cover doesn't come up. Instead, the cover for Uncle Bumpo appears. This is what might happen if Uncle Bumpo came to visit the Tortallans. Also, there are BIG spoilers in here for almost everything up through Trickster's Queen, so consider yourself warned.

It was raining quite hard the night Uncle Bumpo came. Alanna had been woken unceremoniously by one of Aly's triplets. Alanna didn't know which one it was, and she didn't care to find out. She just wished it would stop nesting until midnight, only to sleep for an hour before it began to squawk. If she heard one more wing rustle or one more baby's "Maw!", she was going to...

Someone was pounding one the door. Alanna opened it. A man who looked to be in his late 20's stood sopping wet on the doorstep.

"Oh, what an adorable baby! May I hold him?" asked the man. Alanna pulled out her sword. For future reference, whenever one of the triplets would taunt another child by saying "My granny can fight better than you!", it was widely acknowledged to be true.

"Hands OFF the baby!" Shouted Alanna with at an admirable volume. "You touch the kid, I disembowel you."

The man began to cry. "But...but...I just wanted to see my nephew and nieces!" He sat down on the step and cried.

Alanna sighed. ANOTHER drunkard? In two weeks? The provost really needed to crack down. "Okay, sir," said Alanna kindly but firmly. "You are most definitely not my son. Go away."

"But...but...I'm Uncle Bumpo!" said that man. "I came to visit!"

Just then, George walked into the foyer. "Bumpo, my brother! How are you?"

Bumpo smiled. "Hooray!" he said. "It's George!" By now the rest of the family was up. Babies squawked, Nawat preened, Aly juggled the three squawking infants, and Kel, who had been stuck in the storm, yawned.

"Uncle Bumpo!" cried Aly and Nawat. They hugged him.

"Uncle Bumpo!" shouted Kel. She began to sing the Uncle Bumpo Jousting Song. ("Always cap your lance! Or I'll spank you in the pants! It's not nice to fight! Evan at 11:00 at night!")

By now, everyone had joined Kel in singing. Their voices mingled in the air, creating music one would expect to hear from the Arizona State University choir. Glass broke, animals howled, babies squawked, and Alanna covered her ears in sheer agony.

"That is IT!" She screamed. Everyone was quiet. "I want an explanation NOW, or, so help me Mithros, I will RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS!"

For a few blessed moments, there was silence. Then Uncle Bumpo spoke:

"I think someone needs a hug!"

As her family squeezed her tightly, Alanna began to weep.

A/N: Will Alanna survive the awful singing? Will the babies ever learn to nest properly? And who is the mysterious Uncle Bumpo? Tune in later to find out in... "When Uncle Bumpo Came to Pirate's Swoop".