Disclaimer: I don't own Uncle Bumpo, Tortall, or its characters. Now I'll say it in Italian: Non possiedo lo zio Bumpo, Tortall, o i relativi caratteri.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Also, spoilers for everything up through Trickster's Queen.
The friendly face of Uncle Bumpo had transformed into the face of Duke Roger.
Alanna had often had nightmares about this situation. In her dreams she had always been frozen in fear, but she found herself somehow unfrightened. She presumed that it was like when you stubbed your toe; it never hurt at first, but you knew it was going to be really painful sooner rather than later.
"Not you again," murmured Alanna. "You're really getting annoying, you know that?"
Duke Roger chuckled. "All that's very good, but I'm going to kill you now before you can maneuver your way out of this one."
"Coward," muttered Alanna.
Roger paused. "What's that?"
"Coward," Alanna repeated, louder this time. "You won't even let me fight."
Roger laughed again. "You think I'd do that? Now? After you've already beaten me two times? Hah! I'd rather just kill you..." Alanna grabbed his foot and yanked it toward her.
Roger stumbled, which was just enough to allow Alanna to grab her dagger and jump to her feet.
Roger recovered quickly and held out a sword. Alanna stared at it. Where had that come from?
She lunged for his throat, but he parried instantly. Alanna cursed. She dodged an attack to the side and swung her dagger toward his flank. He parried, but not before she had left a long, shallow cut.
Roger's attack became more violent; he pushed the sword to her throat, almost making contact. Alanna pushed the sword away just in time.
"Why will you not DIE!" screamed Alanna in frustration.
Suddenly, an arrow embedded itself in Roger's hand. Alanna stabbed him through the heart. She had almost forgotten about that pirate attack. She looked out to sea, where Tortallan ships were finishing off the last of the pirates. She never thought she'd see the day when a pirate attack turned out to be a good thing.
As soon as his body fell to the ground, the confused faces of her companions began to regain their normal expressions.
Aly wrinkled her nose. "What happened here?"
Alanna sighed. "Duke Roger tried to procreate with Kel and you all tried to kill me."
They all stared blankly at her.
Alanna realized it was worthless, at least for the time being. "I'll explain later."
With that, they began to walk back to the manor.
