Title: Tourniquet

Fandom: Without a Trace

Pairing: Danny/Martin

Rating: NC-17

Author: rubyservantofeli/ rubysarksgirl/ illyriamistressofpain

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the show on which they appear (i.e. – Without a Trace) so please do not sue me as I am merely borrowing them to rattle them up slightly then they will be returned :P

Spoilers: Anything is up for spoiling up till season 3, as I haven't seen that yet! Going to set it after AYNOHEB but going to use some creative licence with events and the incidents surrounding them.

A/N: So my first D/M plot bunny just hit me, and as usual it's not a particularly happy one :D. So a few warnings before we get to the fic this fiction involves themes and possibly graphic description of self harm, If you don't find this to your taste then please don't read and complain to me. Mostly Martin's POV but I hope to swap between him and Danny when necessary (Italics thoughts)

WARNINGS: As I said earlier this fic will involve graphic self harm (in the form of cutting) right from the start and if this is not for you then please go back now. Also there will be a little D/M action but nothing graphic as that skill still escapes me :D

Tourniquet: bandage, surgical instrument to constrict artery and stop bleeding.

Martin let a sigh of relief leave his lips as he pushed the razor blade further into his skin allowing the pain and toil of the past few days to escape his being. Sat on the floor of his bathroom with his left forearm pressed between his thigh and the blade he watched in fascination as the red droplets pooled on the tiles below. The pain he still felt from the fight with his father and the accusations spouted by Danny flowed from him, the betrayal of still being thought of as an outsider by the team and the reprimand lying in his file all just vanished from his thoughts as the pool grew. All the seminars he'd attended had been right, you need a way to cope, to let the bad cases go…this probably wasn't what all the instructors had in mind but it worked for him.

Martin had discovered this method of release when he was working on white collar crimes, a simple bust had gone wrong when a guy pulled a gun getting one of his co-workers shot, he'd been drilled for hours by his boss, then the icy glares of his team mates had done little to lighten his mood and to top it off he'd gotten a call from his father telling him in exactly what ways he was a screw up. By that point he'd snapped, grabbing a kitchen knife he'd decided to end everything but when he came to open up his wrists he'd faltered and the shallower cuts he'd inflicted due to nerves had helped Martin find some sort of peace, as if the draining of his blood had helped lower the voices whispering about his failure to a dull buzz.

Carefully removing the blade he pressed down hard on the cut with a towel he kept especially for this, he didn't want to kill himself after all. Martin let his head fall back onto the cupboard behind him with a dull thump as he waited for the bleeding to slow. Satisfied he proceeded with his ritual of cleaning his arm before wrapping a bandage over the fresh slice and the old scars. Wrapping the blade in the old towel he shoved it in the back of the cupboard behind some old cleaning supplies and mopped up the blood on the floor.

Martin stood slowly so as not to make himself dizzy and headed to his answering machine where the red light was blinking telling him he had 3 messages. Pressing the play button he was able to listen to his father raving without the dull ache in his chest becoming unbearable.

Martin glanced up from his computer as Danny rushed in half an hour late looking decidedly flushed. It looks good on him he thought vaguely then quickly scolded himself and went back to his typing.

Danny slammed his things down on his desk and proceeded to remove his coat rather violently and throw it into his chair.

"Are you ok?" Martin asked curiously. Danny whirled on him his eyes burning.

"Ok? OK!" he asked rather hysterically. Martin swallowed.

"My entire apartment is filled with water! A broken water pipe in the upstairs apartment and the docile women doesn't realise that when she turns on her tap and nothing's coming out, that the water has to be going somewhere so it's coming through my ceiling which I technically no longer have as it caved due to the water damage so my entire apartment is now filled with ceiling parts and water!" he vented. Martin watched as he rubbed his hands over his face and visibly took a few deep breaths to calm down.

"My god" said Sam concern written all over her face.

"What are you going to do?" she asked. This seemed to deflate Danny even further.

"I don't know…I don't know! What can I do? Practically the entire contents of my apartment is ruined, I don't think my insurance covers this crap and where the hell am I going to sleep!" he exploded.

Martin chewed on his bottom lip as he looked on the very upset and very nicely mussed version of his friend. He opened his mouth before shutting it again. Don't be stupid Martin, he's hardly going to say yes if you ask, your not friends, your barely acquaintances. Firmly telling himself to shut up he cleared his throat.

"Well I have….I mean you can…If you want to" Martin babbled causing Danny to raise an eyebrow at him. Nice eyebrows of course. Very straight…like Danny

"Are you saying I could stay with you?" Danny asked and got a nod in return.

"You sure man?" Danny questioned.

"Yeah, I mean it's not like you'd be imposing or anything and my apartment is big enough" Martin assured. A huge grin broke across Danny's face and before he knew it he was draped in a very relieved, very nice smelling person.

"You are a lifesaver, remind me to buy you lunch" came a muffled voice from around his shoulder.

"If you two are done, we have a case" came Jack's amused voice as he moved to the white board and put up a picture of their victim. Disappointment flooded Martin as the warm, nice smelling pressure moved off him, it was soon pushed far back into his mind when Danny offered him a real smile and a whispered thank you before heading to the conference table.

It was amazing how much one man could change Martin's life so quickly. It's the simple things really. He mused as watched the images of some programme flicker across the screen, causing the apartment to glow with an ethereal quality.

Simple things like doing double loads of laundry, buying pancake mix because it's all Danny will eat for breakfast, arguing over the remote because they both want to watch different things and even smaller things, like just getting used to another presence in his home and the deafening silence that occurred when it wasn't there. You've got it bad Martin, as if your life wasn't complicated enough already. He thought with a sigh.

"Ooo someone's deep in thought" came an amused voice from above him. Tilting his head up Martin found himself looking at an upside down version of Danny.

"Hey, how was your meeting?" asked Martin, rapidly blinking his eyes in an effort to focus. Danny sat down next to him with a sigh of his own.

"Same old, same old. One person falling back into old habits because his wife left him and a new member that's about it" he replied. Martin gave a small grunt of acknowledgement. Finding out that Danny had been an alcoholic gave him some small measure of hope; of course he always felt guilty about it and tried to push it as far back into his subconscious as it would go. Still if Danny's got problems maybe he won't see me as such a screw up. Martin thought miserably.

"Earth to Martin, Hello?" Martin blinked as Danny waved a hand in front of his face. With a small noise of irritation Martin swatted it away.

"Hey, are you ok?" asked Danny, concern etched in his features. Martin gave him a small smile.

"I'm fine, just tired, I think I'll call it a night" he replied as he stood from the couch, shoving the remote towards Danny. He paused and turned in the doorway as Danny called out to him.

"Martin, if you need to talk I'm here," he said. Martin graced him with a smile

"Thanks Danny" he whispered as he headed to his room.

Drip…drip…drip

Martin stood braced against the sink in his bathroom watching his blood slip down the drain. It was all too much, despair was threatening to crush him, he felt like he was struggling to keep his head above water. Despite his efforts images crashed through his being, Zamir as he fell to the ground as a sniper pulled the trigger. A young girl, huddled in a corner with an ear missing, her eyes wide and frightened. The body of Reyes because he pulled the trigger after loosing his temper. The accusation and betrayal in Jack's eyes as he confessed what happened.

Martin pushed harder letting a hiss escape his lips and the cool metal dug further into his skin, forcing himself to ease off, he let the blood run free. A bang on the door made him jump shoving the blade much deeper than intended, Martin quickly slapped his hand over the cut but blood continued to seep from under his fingers and over his hand.

"Yeah?" he called out slightly panicked, hoping Danny wouldn't pick up on it.

"Martin, the foods ready" came Danny's muffled voice.

"I'll be right there!" he yelled back as he wrapped a towel around his arm, desperately trying to staunch the flow of blood. Realizing he had little time he quickly turned on the tap and rinsed his arm before placing a wad of gauze over the cut and wrapped his arm up tightly, praying that it would seal the cut. Making sure the blood was all cleaned up he wrapped the blade up and shoved it quickly in its place and ripped the bandages off his other arm to check the other cuts. Satisfied they were healing well he re-wrapped his arm and hastily pulled his baggy jumper over his head and washed his hands. Taking one last glance around he took a deep breath and opened the door just as Danny was about to knock again.

"Hey are you ok? You look a little pale," asked Danny. Martin grimaced internally.

"I'm fine, just a little under the weather is all. So! What wonderful Taylor speciality do I have to look forward to tonight?" he asked, desperately trying to change the subject. Danny didn't look entirely convinced but luckily didn't push the subject.

"I wondered why you were taking so long in the bathroom." He replied with a smirk

"It's chicken in a marinade with rice, come on" he urged as he grabbed Martin's arm and pulled him towards the kitchen not noticing his barely suppressed hiss of pain. Once Martin was seated a plate was placed in front of him and heaped with food.

"That should make you feel better," said Danny with a grin. Martin thanked him as he speared a piece of chicken with his fork and lifted it to his mouth, letting out a groan of satisfaction as the flavour finally hit him.

"This is so good" he murmured as he went for another piece, unaware of the effect he was having on Danny.

Danny swallowed hard as Martin let out another moan of satisfaction as the fork left his lips. He felt himself flushing as he quickly averted his eyes and busied himself with filling his own plate. He quietly cleared his throat.

"You like it then?" he asked hoping his voice didn't sound as strained to Martin as it did to his own ears. Crystal blue eyes focused on him and gave him a nod of agreement.

"Good" he replied. Danny quickly averted his eyes trying to get his raging hormones under control. The fact of the matter was he'd been attracted to Martin since he'd opened up to him a little more when they were in San Diego, but he had never given him any sort of clue his feelings were reciprocated or an opening in which he could confess. Polishing off his plate he reached across and took Martin's empty one and started to rinse them off in the sink. He heard movement behind him and Martin leaned on the counter next to him.

"You don't have to do that you know," stated Martin quietly. Danny grinned at him.

"I know, but think of it as paying my keep" he replied taking the empty glass out of Martins hand. A frown crossed his features as he noticed a dark stain on the sleeve of Martin's jumper.

"Did you spill something?" he asked as he was already touching the sleeve. Martin pulled out of his grasp quickly leaving Danny looking at the wet burgundy liquid that was staining his fingers. Bringing his fingers to his nose the metallic aroma of blood assaulted his senses. Reeling in shock he quickly followed Martin as he fled the kitchen. As Martin made a move to close the bathroom door Danny reached it just in time to swing an arm and a foot in the doorway keeping it open.

"Martin, what the hell is this?" Danny asked incredulously. Martin let out a soft sob.

"It's nothing, just leave me alone!" he replied. With a strength he didn't realise he possessed he pushed the bathroom door wide open and advanced on the miserable individual inside.

"Really? Because it doesn't look like nothing" he exclaimed anger seeping into his tone. He advanced towards Martin who kept walking backwards until he was backed up against the counter. Danny trapped him between his arms reaching down towards the offending limb trying to keep a hold on the struggling body.

"Danny stop, please" exclaimed a sobbing Martin. Ignoring him he grabbed the blood soaked limb, shoving the jumper out of the way to reveal the stained bandage wrapped around his forearm. Looking up into Martin's tear filled eyes only strengthened his resolve, finding the end of the bandage he quickly unwrapped it without incident, as Martin had suddenly gone deathly still, and exposed the wound. Danny quickly sucked in air at the mess in front of him.

"Martin what on earth?" he asked bewildered as he took in the multitude of scars and the fresh open cut. Martin, seeing his opening pulled his arm from his grasp and pushed past him, Danny reached out grasping his other arm, only to drop it again when he yelped in pain. He tugged at Martins hand so he was facing him and pushed up the sleeve on his other arm to reveal a similar bandage, concealing even more scaring and a few days old cut.

"Martin?" he asked gently pushing up his chin so they were eye to eye. The pain in the ice blue depths made him feel cold inside.

"What do you want me to say Danny?" he spat angrily, wriggling out of his grip and making for his bedroom.

"How about the truth" he shot back, making Martin stop dead in the hall.

"I just want to understand," he pleaded

"Why? Why would you do this to yourself?" he asked. Martin whirled on him, fire in his eyes.

"You have no idea what it's like to be me, to be a constant failure to hear this everyday from the people that are supposed to care about me. To close my eyes and see the mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt floating in front of me and I must be such an evil person for all this hurt to happen to me, but the worst thing is I've been doing this" he stated gesturing at his arms.

"For years and no-body cares and I thought that maybe if I kept doing it then all of it would be gone" ranted Martin, by the end he was screaming and shaking. Danny advanced towards him slowly, so as not to startle him.

"All of what would be gone Martin?" he asked gently.

"The thing that's inside of me that makes me such a terrible person! If I could just cut it out, bleed it out, and make all of it go away then I'd just be left with me and maybe…maybe somebody would care," he sobbed hysterically, falling to his knees. Danny felt his eyes welling up in response. Kneeling next to him, he slowly reached out cupping his face.

"I care," he whispered, causing Martin to look at him.

"I care," he whispered again as he slowly brushed tears from his cheeks.

"I care," he repeated as he brought his forehead to his. Watching as Martin closed his eyes as if hearing it pained him.

"I care," he whispered one last time before he brought Martin's lips to his.