Well, I'll be finishing up this story this week, just in time for me to say that the Joey spinoff can kiss my ass. I was sick of the stale jokes, the ridiculously contrived plots, and the character deterioration on Friends two seasons ago. You can't build an entire show on Joey as an impossibly dumb imbecile. Being adorably dense and under-educated is not the same thing as being too stupid to function.
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Chandler still felt rattled by his talk with Phoebe, so when he came home that evening, he avoided Monica's eyes again and mumbled a quick hello before heading upstairs to change out of his business suit.
Too weary to get up from the couch, Monica just waited in the living room with the babies, who were still a bit cranky. Except during their all too brief naps, the twins had been fussing or crying or making a mess all day, leaving her house in a state of disarray similar to when Phoebe babysat the triplets in her old apartment. Monica just hoped that once she returned to work and put the kids in daycare, that would free up some time for her to keep the house clean and tidy, like she so desperately wanted.
When Chandler came downstairs again, she asked him if he had remembered to deposit her father's check.
"Yeah," he replied, but moved past her to greet the babies with kisses. He picked them up, then sat and rocked them in his arms.
Monica said, "Good, 'cause I paid off the bills, and after those checks clear, we should have enough cash left over for the daycare expenses next month." That of course depended on which of the daycare centers she decided to put the babies in, but at least they now had enough money to afford a good, reputable place.
"Uh-huh." Chandler only half listened again, still focusing his attention on the kids and trying to calm them. Chandler felt bad about yelling in front of them last night. He wanted to be a loving daddy to them, not some mean, scary guy who startled and upset them. They both seemed to warm up to him now, though, which reassured him.
Monica continued her financial calculations out loud. "So once we sell the beach house and the Porsche, I think that should tide us over until you or I get a promotion at work. I hope we'll have enough money to finish decorating around here too. My mom's practically demanding to come visit us soon." She cringed at the thought of such a visit, and how her mother would criticize everything about her and the house.
Despite her exhaustion, Monica got up and compulsively started tidying up in the living room. Of course, she couldn't fully tackle the clutter unless she pulled out the vacuums and her other cleaning paraphernalia, but she had no time or energy for that now. After making the best effort that she could, Monica went into the kitchen to check on dinner while Chandler played with the babies.
During dinner, Monica told Chandler about her chat with Phoebe on the phone and remarked on how ironic it was, for the old flames to reunite once again. "She kept saying it was like fate, and they were soulmates. Actually, she said lobsters." Monica laughed, and found that she really missed hanging out with Phoebe and their other friends on a daily basis. Because she refused to have any company over while the house was messy and incomplete, Monica typically had no one to talk to all day besides the babies.
Chandler winced at the mention of Phoebe and even worried that Phoebe might have called again afterward, to ask Monica about his supposed fight with Joey. However, Monica didn't mention it, so maybe he got lucky tonight. Chandler silently ate his food and just hoped that the women wouldn't hatch some plot together to try to reunite him with Joey; he couldn't handle that right now.
Because Chandler remained distant and unresponsive to her conversation, Monica finally asked him, "What's wrong? You still upset about Joey?"
Chandler gulped and lied to deflect her curiosity. "No, um, it's--it's just some stuff at work today." That was partly true, actually, since Joey's letter and Phoebe's visit were both at his cubicle.
"So you're over the fight now?" Monica looked at him hopefully. "Does that mean we can rename Jack after Joey?"
"No!" Chandler glared at her furiously for bringing that up again. "No! I told you last night, Mon. No way! Don't you even listen to me?"
"Well, I just thought you changed your mind--"
"Well I didn't!" He got up from the table and tossed down his napkin with outrage. "And I won't, ever, so forget it! It's bad enough that we have to suddenly rename Jack now, anyway!" Then he turned and stormed out of the kitchen.
Monica was stunned by Chandler's defensiveness and his continued hostility towards Joey. Why was her husband overreacting so much?
After a moment, Chandler felt guilty about yelling in front of the babies again, so he came back in long enough to pick up the babies and leave again before Monica could protest. Then he took them into the den and decided to spend the rest of the evening trying to bond with them again.
Monica sighed and shook her head at his irrational behavior. Chandler just didn't know what was good for him sometimes. She was tempted to just go to the Social Security office and change Jack's legal name behind Chandler's back, then let him find out later only when necessary. Just like he only found out about her keeping her maiden name after two years of marriage. Besides, he had agreed easily enough to letting the children be called Geller instead of Bing, so he'd probably go along like usual, especially if he had managed to forgive Joey by then.
Monica decided that this was the best thing to do, though she'd have to find out if there was a local Social Security office in Westchester, because she didn't want to go all the way into the city with the babies, given how much they hated car rides. Besides, she'd never have the time to do that and thoroughly check out the local daycare centers too.
After Monica finished her dinner, she cleared the table and washed the dishes. Then she decided to go to bed early and get some much-needed rest. Let Chandler worry about the babies for now.
In the den, Chandler remained with the twins until they too fell asleep. He took them upstairs to their cribs and kissed them goodnight. As he left, he frowned and wondered where he should sleep tonight. He couldn't keep going to Joey's room, after all, not if he wanted to forget about him. Chandler had to go back to Monica eventually, right? She was his wife.
So Chandler quietly went to the master bedroom and hesitated at the door, seeing Monica asleep inside. Somehow, he still couldn't bring himself to join her in their bed. He was still angry at her and he didn't think he could stand to wake up next to her in the morning and realize that she wasn't Joey. He'd rather wake up alone, than with her.
Feeling weak, he once again withdrew to Joey's room and to his dreams about what might have been.
Joey was still taking a cold shower when Phoebe arrived that morning. She let herself into the apartment with the birds and announced, "Hey, we're back!"
Then she heard the shower running and put down the pet carrier as she checked the time. She knocked at the bathroom door and called out, "Joey, did you oversleep? Hurry up and get dressed, so you won't be late for work."
"Uh, okay," Joey answered and reluctantly ended his shower. As he toweled off and put on a bathrobe, he still felt anxious about his erotic dream last night, and he tried to push the inappropriate images of Chandler out of his brain.
Meanwhile, Phoebe made breakfast in the kitchen to save Joey some time, and when he emerged from the bathroom she greeted him with a smile.
"Morning! So I guess you slept better last night, huh?"
Joey froze in his tracks, suddenly terrified that Phoebe somehow knew about his dream; maybe her psychic ability had unexpectedly kicked in again. Then again, her predictions were wrong sometimes, so maybe he could bluff it off. "Uh, yeah. I-I guess."
"Let me see." Phoebe pulled him closer and scrutinized his eyes. "Yeah, the bags are less noticeable now. You just needed a good night's rest to refresh yourself."
He shrugged and backed away from her nervously. "Uh, yeah."
Phoebe laughed and told him, "Oh, I wasn't trying to kiss you again! Now go on, get dressed. You can't be late to work anymore."
"Okay." He hurried to his bedroom in relief. She apparently knew nothing about his dream. While Joey dressed, he heard Phoebe talking to the birds and letting them out of the pet carrier.
When Joey returned to the living room, Phoebe put his breakfast before him, then glanced at the clock again. "Joey, what time does Pigeon Pete usually get here?" Pete was a guy in the apartment building who kept pigeons on the roof, and Joey paid him to babysit Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. during the day.
"Not for another half hour," Joey answered while he ate his cereal.
"Oh, good. So we have time to hang out before he gets here." Phoebe didn't want to run into Pete again, because they once had a secret love affair and it would be awkward. She sat down next to Joey and smiled. "Speaking of my exes, I forgot to tell you yesterday that I ran into David, my scientist guy."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it was great, and we made a date for tonight." She filled Joey in on the details and gushed about what good luck it was to meet David again. "Now, just as long as his friend Max doesn't keep trying to talk him into getting over me, we should be okay. Or else I'll have to kick some ass! Anyway, Joey, I won't be able to watch the birds for you again tonight, because of my date."
"Oh."
"Yeah, but don't worry, Joey. It's Friday, after all, so you can get plenty of rest this weekend. Just do your best not to get fired today, and I'll work on getting you those auditions like I promised. You'll be fine."
He shrugged and tried not to worry. "I hope so."
She patted his shoulder encouragingly, then got up to go. "Well, good luck at work today. I'll call you later to let you know about the auditions, okay?"
"Okay. Bye."
Chandler was partly glad that it was Friday, so that he wouldn't have to continue struggling at work, but at the same time, he dreaded having to spend the weekend at home with Monica. It would be difficult to avoid her.
Fortunately, when he got home, Monica was busy talking on the phone with her father, who had been making arrangements to sell the beach house and the Porsche.
"Oh, this weekend? Just a minute." She covered the phone and turned to Chandler. "Can you handle watching the kids tomorrow? Dad wants me to drive over to meet some car dealer guy and have the Porsche appraised."
"Oh, so you'll be gone all day?" Chandler was actually relieved that she wouldn't be home, though he tried not to show it.
"Yeah, it might take a while... Hey, maybe you need help, Chandler? We can ask--"
"No, no!" He cut off her obvious attempt to invite Joey over. "Go ahead. I'll be fine by myself. I took care of them the other night."
"Fine." She sighed and rolled her eyes, then resumed her phone conversation. "Yeah, I'll come over for lunch. Thanks, Dad."
They shared another awkward dinner in the kitchen. Monica made an effort by talking about the local daycare centers and how she had put together a notebook that organized each center's strengths and weaknesses into different categories.
Clearly, Chandler wasn't listening, nor did he attempt to interject an opinion, as he had many times about the wedding plans years ago. He just kept eating and occasionally muttering, "Yeah. Whatever you decide."
Normally she'd be happy that he left everything up to her, but it irked her that Chandler was still being so stubborn and inflexible about Joey, especially since he was pining for him and sleeping in his room every night.
If only she knew why exactly Chandler was so upset with Joey.
For the first time in several weeks, Joey wasn't late to work. Many people at the TV studio were surprised by his prompt arrival, and he even interrupted some people who were gossiping and making bets about how long Joey had until he got fired. Joey felt discouraged and hoped that Phoebe was doing her best to get him another job.
At least the makeup artists commented that he looked better today, and Joey worked hard to avoid annoying the DOOL producers and directors. However, he had trouble remembering some of his lines because kept worrying about money or thinking about Chandler.
One part of Joey still missed Chandler desperately and ached to see him again, but another part was rather freaked out about their kisses and his sex dream. Joey was actually scared that Chandler might try to call him today, and he wouldn't know what to say to him. He kept worrying about what the dream might mean.
Joey knew that another actor on the soap was gay because he'd seen the guy doing stuff with Santa Claus at the Christmas party. Remembering this, Joey decided to ask the actor some questions while they were on a break from filming.
"Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure. What is it?" Christian Sanders followed Joey to his dressing room and sat on the couch with him.
Glancing at the floor, Joey cleared his throat and stammered several times, unable to get started.
Christian asked if Joey wanted to ask him about the rumors that he might get fired from the show. "I mean, I heard about that, but I don't know if they're doing it for sure."
Joey shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, I guess I probably will get fired, and I'm already looking for other work, just in case. Um, actually, I wanted to ask you..."
"What?"
Joey wrung his hands nervously. "Well, like, you're gay, right?"
"Yeah."
"But you're still playing a straight guy, and you got all the female fans and stuff, right?"
"That's why they call it acting." Christian smiled.
Joey continued, "Well, um, I-I don't know if this is too personal or not, but, um, how do you fake those kisses on the show then? Isn't it weird for you? And how did you know you were gay? Did you kiss some guy, or have a gay dream?"
Christian was surprised by these questions, though he answered them in a general way, without getting into private details. Then he asked, "Why, what's wrong, Joey? You thinking about playing a gay part, and want to know that it won't turn you gay?"
Joey shrugged and tried to bluff. "Uh, yeah. It's just, like, if you kiss a guy... and you like it... and you think about it afterward, and dream about stuff, does--does that make you gay?" He frowned and trailed off, clearly looking troubled.
Christian saw that Joey wasn't being hypothetical. "You kissed somebody?"
Joey bit his lip and struggled for a moment, but then figured that he needed to tell someone this; it was too hard dealing with it alone, without even his friends to help him. He replied quietly, "My best friend. We were just talking and..." He gulped and his eyes got moist. "He's married. He moved away and had kids, and I missed him so much. He said we'd always be together, and he just..." Joey turned away and started to cry.
Christian put an arm around him and handed him tissues. "Sounds like you've got it bad. I'm sorry." He comforted Joey for a while, but soon they had to get back to work. Christian said that the makeup artists would have to reapply his makeup, so he suggested telling them that he'd been crying because he was scared about losing his job.
Joey thanked him for the advice and tried to pull himself together. He still had no idea about what to do with his feelings for Chandler, and he feared that Chandler would never forgive him. Joey felt horribly trapped and guilty, much like he felt about Ross and Rachel once. Compared to this, the possibility of getting fired was a piece of cake.
Joey struggled through the rest of his work day. He didn't get fired yet, but it was clear that the casting director was just waiting until they could find a suitable replacement for Joey as Drake Ramoray. Maybe some people were also feeling sorry for him because he had overheard others talking about him and had even been crying in his dressing room. Joey figured that next week he would know for sure that he was fired.
Meanwhile, Phoebe worked her magic and got him some promising auditions for next week. She called him and told him that she would send a friend over to deliver the script pages to him, since she wasn't allowed on the set anymore, after getting fired and dragged off as an extra on the show. He thanked her, and she said she would come help him rehearse this weekend.
"Okay. Have fun on your date." After he hung up, Joey felt depressed again, because she sounded happy and cheerful. She was in love with someone who loved her back; if only things were that simple and easy for him.
When Joey got home, he thanked Pigeon Pete again for babysitting and paid him for the week, adding that he might have to cut back on babysitting next week, because of his job situation. Pete understood and even offered to babysit for a week or so for free.
"Thanks." Then Joey greeted the chick and duckling, asking if they had fun on the roof with the pigeons. He commented with a sigh that they used up a lot of his money with their food and their toys and their babysitting. Pete nodded and agreed that maintaining his pigeons' coops cost money too, but he loved his pigeons.
"Phoebe got tired of my pigeons, though, and she even said that her psychic predicted that she would someday die because of a pigeon." He shook his head skeptically and wished Joey good luck in getting another job before he left.
While Joey started to make dinner and have a beer, Ross and Rachel came by with Emma. They said that Phoebe had told them about his job problems, and they hugged him with sympathy and concern.
"Why didn't you tell us before? Is there anything we can do?"
"Nah. Not really. You gotta save your money for Emma."
"But maybe we can babysit for you this weekend again, and you can go see Chandler and make up."
"Yeah. By the way, what did you guys fight about?"
Joey wondered what they knew, but figured that maybe Phoebe had made some assumptions since he wouldn't answer her questions about why he had been moping in Chandler's room lately. "I don't wanna talk about it," he repeated, and told them that he wasn't going to Westchester this weekend; he had to stay home and get some rest for next week, so he would look his best for his auditions.
Ross and Rachel kept trying to draw him out and cheer him up, but Joey rebuffed them like before. He didn't even let them take the birds home with them tonight, because he feared that if he was alone, he would have another dream. He didn't tell them that, of course.
They finally gave up in frustration, although Rachel said that she could always borrow money from her rich parents if he needed it. "I'd have to tell them it was for Emma or something."
"Yeah, fine. Goodnight."
So they left with Emma and returned to their own apartment across the street. They wondered if they should call Chandler and Monica in Westchester, and ask them for explanation and help. "I just hope they're not busy with the twins and still screening all their calls with the answering machine."
Meanwhile, Joey ate his dinner and washed the dishes, then sat in the living room with the birds, who wanted to watch TV again. He flipped on the nature channel, then sighed and wondered if he should get started rehearsing for his auditions next week. But he was too depressed, and he petted the chick and duckling's soft feathers.
Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. were all he had left of Chandler. Well, not really. He had all this furniture too. Everything except the recliner that Rachel had bought to replace Rosita had been bought by Chandler, during his guilty shopping-spree after kissing Kathy.
Joey remembered Kathy and realized now how much she was like Chandler. She was smart, and she liked the same books and comedians as Chandler. Kathy would make sarcastic jokes too, and rehearse lines with him, and point out women whose underwear was visible. Joey thought she was so cool for watching movies like Die Hard with him and not minding their patio furniture and birds. She was fun like a guy and she was great in bed too, which made her definitely worth dating for longer than his usual two weeks with most girls.
And yet, something was missing. Something prevented him from being really committed to her and serious while they dated. At the time, he thought that maybe he was comparing her too much to Kate, who had left for L.A. not too long ago, or maybe he just wasn't ready to settle down yet and give up the variety. So Joey made a date with another girl named Casey, to explore his options, but between Chandler telling him that he ought to pick just one woman, and all the car trouble that Joey had on his date with Casey, Joey thought it was a sign that he had made a mistake. So he decided to commit to Kathy and try a real relationship with her. Unfortunately, she broke up with him then and told him that she was in love with someone else.
To find out that the someone else was Chandler, and that they had kissed, was very upsetting. Maybe he had just been very dense, but Joey thought that Chandler didn't like Kathy. He'd been avoiding her a lot and acting like Joey had acted over Janice. Joey felt so hurt and betrayed, especially considering that Chandler had promised that he would "never soberly hurt you or your family" after the incident with his sisters. It took some time for Joey to forgive Chandler and make up with him, but he did and they were friends again.
Why couldn't they still be friends now? Why did he have to kiss Chandler like that, and ruin everything? What was wrong with him? Now he had just given Chandler an excuse to phase him out for good.
That night, Joey wasn't sure whether he should sleep in Chandler's old room again, but he realized that the whole apartment was filled with Chandler's stuff and haunted by memories of him. So Joey sat on the bed and stared around the room in loneliness. Somehow, he had fallen in love with Chandler without realizing it. When did it happen? Was it as far back as Kathy, and he was too dumb to see that what Kathy was missing was that she wasn't Chandler? Was it when he kept getting jealous about Chandler's new roommate Eddie?
Joey clutched Hugsy tighter and lay down miserably. He remembered that he started sleeping with Hugsy after London and kept him a secret for a while. In fact, Joey got Hugsy because he couldn't stand listening to Monica and Chandler making out and having sex in the bedroom next door. It was too weird, and their secret-keeping drove him crazy. Now Joey had more toys and dolls too. Childish things to comfort him because Chandler wasn't around anymore.
He used to think that he'd be married before Chandler, and the whole group thought that Chandler was too screwed up to ever settle down and marry. But Chandler got married after all, and here Joey was, alone and screwed up and possibly gay. It wasn't funny.
Pigeon Pete's name, as well as the fact that he babysits for Joey, were both made up by me, but he was mentioned in season 7, TOW Ross's Library Book. Also, no explanation was given on the show for when and why Joey started sleeping with Hugsy.
The real process of changing someone's name, let alone a child's, is rather complicated, and Monica would not in fact be able to change Jack's name without Chandler knowing about it. Of course, Phoebe also couldn't have changed her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock and back that easily either.
