Chapter Four: Rationalization

I was alive; fortunate some would say. If I hadn't reached the phone, I would be dead. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. It is so easy to say if, the thoughts of an alternative reality just within your grasp is overwhelming sometimes. You often find yourself wondering back to earlier times, knowing that if you had done something differently, than you could have changed something.

If I hadn't gone into the field, I would not have had a reasoning to go the house. Even if Sara still went, she would have been with someone else, someone who would have been able to protect her better. If I had done something instead of just watched, if I had taken the room, and left Sara with kitchen. If we had waited for another officer to come.

If is such an easy word to say. Because it doesn't matter how many times you say it, you can't go back, you can't change time. That's the way of life, there is only one direction, and that is forward. The hard part, is finding how to get there.

Time then was endless for me. I lost track of the hours, of the days I spent in the hospital. I was barely aware of what went on around me. I did not recognize nor remember the name of the nurse that tended to me, and I did not respond to treatment, at least not emotionally. I had become wrapped up in my own thoughts, reality then being too painful for me to face.

It wasn't healthy, to care for a person so much that it hurt, only to watch them fade away in front of you, and knowing that you aren't strong enough to help them. And the simple knowledge that she wouldn't be there when I woke up hurt even more.

Catherine spent those days by my bedside; come to think of it, I doubt she even left. I was awake more then she was even aware of, but I never said anything to her. Whenever she did talk with me, I gave quiet responses, letting her do most of the talking. I couldn't just yet, I wasn't ready.

The pain from the stab wound subsided, but the pain inside did not. It felt as though I would carry the burden for the rest of forever. I could not help but feel guilty for what had happened to Sara. There were times during my stay there that I felt as though I didn't deserve to live, and I found myself praying several times that they would just let me go. I even found myself thinking of asking them one time, but quickly dismissed the thought. I couldn't do that to everyone, just so I could wallow in my own self-pity.

That night woke me up to a pounding headache. Even after all this time of being in the hospital, sleeping on and off, I still found myself awake during the night. That was the hardest part of it all. Catherine was always there at night, and there wasn't very much else that went on. This left me two choices, to either listen to Catherine talk, or feign sleep and become lost in my own world.

It was different this time, because she wasn't there. Her stuff was sitting on the blue chairs, but that was all. I closed my eyes, coughing as I pulled a pillow to my chest, wrapping my arms around it. Part of me wanted to go home, but the doctors hadn't been willing to let me go yet. On the other hand, I was afraid to go home. Going home meant that I would resume my life as it was before, then I would go back to work, and she wouldn't be there. As long as I was in here, I could pretend that it was all just a dream.

I opened my eyes a crack as I heard Catherine then, talking to someone just outside the door. It wasn't that hard to hear her, the walls in here are thin. I assumed she was on the phone, because it was only her voice I heard.

I gathered she was talking about me, I heard her tell whoever it was that the doctors had inserted another IV today, and that I wasn't eating or drinking anymore. I truly hadn't realized; hunger and thirst haven't really been present. She finished off by saying 'maybe in a few days' before ending the call.

She walked in the room then, and had already caught sight of my open eyes before I was able to close them. I hadn't even tried, so instead I let my gaze follow her as she sat down next to me.

Her smile was light, as she leaned forward, keeping her voice low as to not wake any other patients. "How you feeling?"

I wanted to laugh, wanted to scoff. How was I feeling? Horrid wouldn't even begin to describe it. I wanted to point this out to her; I wanted to complain that I was hurting so badly that I never felt as if I would get better. Instead I found myself shrugging as I looked away. I was close to crying then, and the last thing I wanted was to give her another reason to pity me.

"Everyone's been worried about you," she told me. It was the same thing she told me every night now. "Nick stopped by earlier today to see you, you were asleep though."

I didn't say anything. I hadn't been asleep when he came by. I didn't let them know that I was listening to them as they talked, listening as they joked lightly. How could they do something like that? I was hurting only a few feet away and Nick had actually had the nerve to crack a few jokes.

Catherine kept on talking; it was something she did, either for a distraction for me or herself, maybe both. Perhaps she was just enticing me to talk, but for whatever reason it was starting to get on my nerves, but I didn't have the heart to tell her so.

"Warrick says he might come by tomorrow if he gets off shift early enough. Sara's been asking about you too."

I glanced up at her quickly, unable to say anything at first. My heart was pounding quickly as I registered her words. Why would she say something like that? Did she assume that it was funny, or was she just so desperate to get me to talk?

"Sara's dead," I told her flatly, surprised at how rough my voice sounded. That and the burning pain that followed through my throat.

She watched me for a moment, her mouth hanging open slightly. "What?"

"He killed her," I rasped heavily, even closer to losing it now than I had been before. "I saw him kill her."

"Oh God Greg," Catherine was shaking her head, a hand held up to her brow. "Is this why you've been like this? Because you think she's dead?"

I only blinked in response. Even if I had wanted to say something I wouldn't have had the chance.

"Sara's alive Greg, and in a hell of a lot better shape than you are. We've been doing everything we can to pull you through this, and you just keep pulling away. Pull yourself together Greg, you can beat this, and we'll be here to help you, but you have to do your part."

I had hardly heard her lecture, though I knew she was angry with me. Her tone said plenty enough, I had no need to hear the words inside. My eyes locked with hers then as she grew silent. There were tears in her eyes and if was for the first time that I saw how much it was affecting her.

"I want to see her," I told her, my stomach clenching as she shook her head slowly.

"I don't know if you can," she answered.

"I want to see her," I said again. I wasn't willing to give up so easily. Part of me still screamed that this was some cruel dream that I would wake up from any moment. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, but I needed to Sara, I needed to see her with my own eyes, needed to touch her, to give myself tangible proof that she was still here.

Catherine let out a sigh, "I'll see what I can do," she told me quietly. "I can't make any promises. It's in the middle of the night, and there is no way anyone is dragging you up three flights to see someone. I don't know if Sara is even awake now, but I'll check it out."

She left after that, and was gone for a long time. Much longer than I would have liked. I could tell that the medication was kicking in again; it was getting harder to keep my eyes open. But I didn't want to miss her; if she came I wanted to be awake. I kept my eyes glued on the doorframe, but I could slowly feel myself slip into the darkness. I could only pray that fate wasn't playing a cruel trick on me as I finally gave into the impending sleep.

TBC…