Disclaimer: Still not mine. What, you think a chapter difference would change that?
A/N: Chapter one! Huzzah! Um, dunno what to say. I'm not real good at transferring stories from script version to -- uh... normal version... but hopefully it's still funny. :) Enjoy! ...Or at least, you'd better, 'cause this friggin' story took me FOREVER to change. LOL. :D AND JUST SAW THE GoF PREVIEW! OH MY GOSH I CANNOT WAIT! IT IS SO AMAZING! IT'S TOO BRILLIANT FOR WORDS! OH MY GOSH!

-

On the TV screen, Harry opened his eyes groggily. "Ugggghhhh... what happened last night...? I thought I told Ron to save that Firewhisky for Christmas... wait, no, this isn't a hangover -- OMIGOD I'M IN MY TEACHER'S BODY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH --"

Remus calmly walked up in Harry's body, adjusting his taped glasses, mumbling something about feeling like a nerd. Then he cleared his throat and said loudly, "Hey, wait... shouldn't we give a little explanation first?"

Harry (in Remus's body, of course) had been running in figure eights but now abruptly stopped, tripped, and fell face-first into the dirt. Don't ask why there was dirt on a movie set when they're supposed to be indoors, just roll with it, people. Harry straightened up in the most dignified manner possible and spit out a string of mud between his teeth. Everyone took a step away. Harry blinked, his shoulders slumped, and said, "Huh?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know, like--like--like... like... llllliiiikkkke--"

"GET ON WITH IT, RETARD!"

"Ah," Remus exlaimed, smiling, "like, how did this all happen? And why it was us!"

I couldn't help but feel a little jealous as Harry and Remus sucked up all the limelight like little arrogant sponges so I stepped in. "Wellllllllllllll," I said witticismly--ignoring the fact that, if I was so witty, why would I be using a word that isn't even a word -- scratching my chin thoughtfully. "I was going to make it a Severus/Harry switch--"

Harry began running in an odd shape that appeared to be a four-leafed clover, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" at the top of his little lungs so I punched him unconcious.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interupted, I decided that I like Remus better than Snape, because Snape is such a stupid ole slimeball-sourpuss."

I peered around as suddenly girls dressed in greasy black wigs and flowy black capes stalked up to me, scowling, their fists clenched at their sides. My eye twitched.

"DON'T KILL ME, SNAPE LOVERS!" I squealed, falling on my knees, picking up a pebble the size of my thumbnail and cleverly hiding under it. Aha, no one would ever find me down there!

Ron pressed, "Aaaand...?"

I blinked. "And what?"

The audience heaved a loud sigh.

"Oh. Oh, ohhhhhhhh!" I said, finally understanding. "Well, Sevvie seemed to fit the role better --"

"HEY!" Remus yelled, offended.

"EHEM," I yelled back, also offended, "I'M TALKING HERE, BUM! But I just couldn't stand making it Snape/Harry when it could be Lupin/Harry! Besides, having Harry experience the life of a werewolf would be more interesting than having him live in the life of an evil professor."

Snape, his eyebrows raised, put his hand to his heart and said in a girly voice, "Well, I never! Me? Evil!" He grabbed a floral smock and a matching pink hat that seemed to integrate from nowhere and put them on, fluffing up the purple puff-ball flower on the hat. "See? I'm a sweet widdle 'fessor!"

I rolled my eyes, tapping my foot. "Suuuure ya are," I mocked impatiently.

Remus argued, "But Snape and Harry argue more. Shouldn't the switch be between Snape and Harry?"

I, ignoring the fact that Remus was not very funny at all, said in a low, loud voice that was for some reason accented in Turkish, "Hey, bub, do you wanna paycheck or not!"

At this Remus "meep"ed and pouted. "Okay, I'll be quiet!"

My face felt hot with anger. By the way people were looking at me, you'd think that steam was coming out of my ears. Which could be possible, because those idiodic twins Fred and George had tricked me into eating a dozen cases of Pepper Imps. What? How did they trick me into eating twelve boxes? Umm... well... you see... it's not like I'm naive or anything! Hmph. "OKAY, YOU WANT AN EXPLANATION?" I exploded. "TOMMY! GET IN HERE!"

Voldemort sidled in. I could tell he was just trying to impress all the fangirls in the audience. Shame he didn't know that none of them were his fangirls. He hissed, "My name is not TOMMY, it's VOLDIE -- I MEAN, VOLDEMORT! AAAARGH! CRUCI --"

"Tommy," I said warningly, "don't you wave that wand at me! You could put an eye out!" I narrowed my eyes accusingly and put my hands on my hips. I know I might've been a bit hard on the lad but hey, you can't be too soft on those evil lords.

"But--" Voldemort pouted.

"No butts! Butts are inappropriate! Now, if you would've said ass --"

Voldemort was snivelling now, snot dribbling down his chalk-white face. My eyes softened.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, don't cry, Tom-Tom! Mommy will make it all better." I huggled him, nearly snapping his bony body in half.

Wiping away the boogers, Tomm -- I mean, Voldemort explained, "My real mumma didn't care 'bout me, no no, she didn't. To tell you the truth, she didn't name me Tom. She named me ValueMart. I didn't want anyone to know that I was named after a store so I said my name was Tom. But I still have the best prices in all of London!"

My jaw went slack and we all stared for a moment before I collected myself back up and said, "As I was saying... ValueMa--er, Voldemort, you got the fortune cookie?"

Voldemort's mood brightened. He pulled the smushed cookie in its package from his back pocket triumphantly and sang, "Yup-aroni and cheese!"

Ron reached out. "Why do we need a cookie?" No one answered him. "Well... I missed lunch to come to this stinkin' audition, soooo..."

I slapped his outstretched hand. "Bad Ron! Bad, bad, this is a prop!"

He stuck out his lower lip and knit his brow. "No, it's lunch!"

"You're not even in this scene!"

Voldemort, still singing, sang in a singy songish voice, "I wanna give the werewolf and that damn Boy-Who-Will-Soon-Be-Dead the cookie!"

"You? With a cookie? I dunno, Voldie... for some reason that dripping-with-green-poison cookie reminds me of Snow White... but I can't quite remember what happened..." I bit my lip.

"Umm, they... uh, they used the poison to... um... solve Snowy's mouse problem," Voldemort said.

I glared... then grinned. "Okay! That's good 'nuff for me! But still... I dunno, Voldie..."

Voldemort gasped. "What, don't you think I can deal with a cookie?" I shrugged. His mouth an O, he raged, "I can't believe this! You'll hear from my lawyer!" Then he stomped off the set angrily.

Sighing in relief, I said, "Wow, I thought he'd never leave... Okay then, Cho! Come over here, we'll need you to take Voldie's part..."

"Why me!" Cho wailed.

"Uhhh, 'cause you're the closest thing to a little Chinese lady to match the lady in the movie. So take this cookie--" I handed her the cookie "--and this script--" I handed her the half-eaten script "--and memorize all your lines in the next two seconds!"

Cho's big brown eyes teared up. "Cedric wouldn't be so mean, you--you--YOU MEANIE!" Then she burst into hysterical sobs as Harry stuffed his fist in his mouth, fighting back laughter.

Scowling, I spat, "Don't be such a baby, Cho! The little Chinese lady in the movie didn't cry!"

"Cedric didn't compare me to little Chinese ladies on TV!"

Stomping my feet and baring my teeth in a way that made Hermione exclaim, "That's barbaric!" I snapped, "Suck--it--up!"

Cho's big brown eyes teared up.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I immediately jumped back, my eyes wide as dinner plates. "Hey, hey! If you get that script wet, you're paying for it!"

Cho gasped between sobs, "YOU'RE--SO--CHEAP--

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I shrugged. "So whaaat? I'd rather be cheap than broke, baby."

Suddenly, a very loud snore ripped through the air, shattering the windows and cracking spiderwebs across my glasses. No, seriously. What, you don't believe me? Anyhow, I glanced over, my hands pressed on the sides of my head, clenching my teeth. Remus was sleeping, leaning back in a chair. I shouted over the noise (gosh, all we do is scream! But hey, it's the latest thang in fashion, man... ahaha...), "Hey, Rem, who said you could fall asleep!"

Remus snorted, blinked, and shook his shaggy brown head. "Huh--? Oh... well, you see, we weren't doing the story, so why can't a werewolf get a bit of sleep around here?"

"Be-caaaaaaaaaause," I said, as if explaining it to a moron, "I'm losing money explaining everything to you dweebs!" I stopped myself and thought, scratching my chin again. "Well, no, Remus and Ron, you aren't dweebs, you're hotties--"

Remus's eyebrows rose so high they disappeared underneath his hair and rolled across the top and back of his head until they reappeared on the back of his neck. "Hey, you're--like--twenty-five years younger than me..."

I batted my eyelashes. "So? We were meant for each other..." I smiled dreamily.

"O-KAY THEN!" Remus jumped up. "Let's get this scripty thing done with!" He dashed off in a cloud of dust. I coughed and pouted.

"Ohhhh..." Then I turned to face you--yes, you! You may feel a bit intimidated by my presence but don't worry, I'm wondefully kind and I can manage mingling with the little people... "Okay then, readers, since I've just been ditched by my favorite character, I suppose we should get on withy the story. I mean--that is what you paid for, right?" I elbowed you. You "ouch" unappreciatively. The audience giggled maniacally.

Harry, the stupid cretin, had to bring up, "They paid?"

My eyes wide, I "SHHHHHHHH!"ed him urgently.

Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Harry said accusingly, "This was supposed to be free!"

I "SHHHHHHHH!"ed him again and then warned, "Be quiet or I'll kill you off!"

Obviously worried, Harry backed off a bit. "Y-you can't do that!" he stammered. "Only J.K. Rowling can!"

I smirked. "Well too bad then, eh? She's not here, and I could kill you with a single word. BWAHAHAHA--haha--ha...ha..." I trailed off and whirled around and hissed backstage, "Hey! Dim lights and cue lightning, stu-peedos!"

The crew "oh"ed sheepishly and turned off the lights. Cheap-looking cardboard lightning flashed behind me and the lights. I continued "BWAHAHAHA"ing. After a while of that, I sniffed, rubbed my nose, and said, "Ah, that was satisfying."

Harry argued, "But--"

"What's with the butts? Oy! AND RIGHT THEN, ON THE SPOT, HARRY DIED!"

Harry's eyes widened and he gasped an odd "Uhp!" sort of noise and keeled over.

I sighed. "Okay then..." The audience was open-mouthed, too shocked to speak. Harry fangirls were seething and others were fighting the burly guards to strangle me. "No, no, not yet... okay..." I rolled up my sleeve and squinted at my watch. "Three... two... one... NOW! And then he miraculously came back to life!"

Harry hopped up and said in a teenage-girl-ish voice, "I cannot believe you just killed me! And you didn't even do it in one word!"

"Stop complaining or I'll do it again!"

Electricity crackled between us. He glared. "You wouldn't dare..."

I laughed triumphantly and screamed crisply, "DEAD!"

Harry fell. Um, again.

I chuckled evilly and rubbed my hands together. Evilly, of course. Then I said (evilly), "Well, let's begin, shall we?"

Cho, who had been drowning in her own tears, let her chin wobble and wobble and wobble until it fell off. She picked it back up and reattached it with some old screws and oil from the tin man from the Wizard of Oz. She screeched, "But Harry's still dead! WAAAAAAAAAAAH! EVERYONE I LIKE DIIIIIIES!"

I shrugged. "Oh, uh... just leave him there."

Blinking, Cho grinned widely. "Oh, okay!" She and I then went shopping.

-

Review pretty pretty please! I'll continue if people want me to. If not... well... uh... then I won't:) Hopefully people like this version too. Sorry about the wait!