Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER TWO – Goodbye, Mr. Know-Who

The Dark Lord Voldemort started to regain consciousness as the Headmaster and a dozen aurors seemed to repeatedly cast Ennervate.

"1-2-3...Again!" And thirteen voices could be heard in unison chanting "Ennervate"

The Dark Lord had been slightly stirring for the last five minutes, and it seemed he was beginning to piece together the events that led him into this position.

'Memories. Come on windmills of my mind, get in gear!' Voldemort thought. 'Let's see, what has happened. The Fudgey informed us he had a 3:00 meeting with The Boy and said he could lead us straight into his childhood home. Then Severus came up with a brilliant plan to finally rid the world of the brat. I could pretend to be the Minister, walk in with a couple of the Minister's aurors, then cast Imperio on The Boy, and make him take a long walk off a short pier. So simple and yet so flawed. Luckily I pointed out it would be made easier if I didn't take actual ministry aurors with me but rather evil puppies transfigured to walk and talk like aurors. Severus, always so quick on the uptake, suggested that he and another Death Eater go and that they could impersonate the aurors. Unsurprisingly the MotherFudger immediately volunteered since he was supposed to be in that meeting anyway.'

"Now how the heck did that lucky brat usurp my genius again!"

The Dark Lord quickly ascertained the fact that he said that last statement aloud as the aurors seemed to jump back and finally stop casting Ennervate at him. He locked eyes with the Headmaster.

"Tom I'm afraid you will be placed under veritaserum and we will question you in front of a full Wizengamot. Your wand has been confiscated and you will remain in magicuffs until your punishment has been decided."

An imposing looking large auror stepped forward and said in a deep voice "Lord You-Know-Who, you are under arrest for too many crimes to even mention, so we're just going to let you confess under a truth serum, and then figure out what to charge you with then."

The Dark Lord had a bit of a panicked look on his face that almost looked humorous given his wide red eyes and lack of a nose. 'Well crap. This ain't good.'

The Headmaster just looked deeply disappointed in him, though he did seem to have a bit of joy stirring behind his eyes. The Dark Lord remembered the Headmaster's promise that there were things much worse than Death, and started to get a bit fearful imagining some of these things. Severus in a thong was at the forefront of his mind.

"Perhaps we could negotiate my sentence in exchange for complete cooperation and every name I can come up with?" the Dark Lord inquired.

The aurors looked around at each other curiously. 'This is the most feared Dark Lord in centuries? Really?'

The Headmaster answered for them "I'm sorry Tom, but your crimes are too serious to be bargaining with. The only thing I can promise you is a swift and painless death."

"I'll take it!" the Dark Lord exclaimed, and smiled inwardly at his negotiating skill. 'Rather unlike Albus to fall so quickly into my trap, but I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

The Headmaster had his mouth quirked in a ghost of a smile and left to make sure the Wizengamot was assembled and ready for the Trial of the Century.


The Head of the Wizengamot banged his gavel and called for silence and order. Two of the smart-aleck members asked for ham-on-rye as expected and the assembly was softly chuckling at themselves and beginning in its usual fashion.

Supreme Mugwump, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore looked down at his court briefing and announced the beginning of the case. "The current Minister of Magic is being held for questioning at the moment as his authority is appearing somewhat suspect. It is therefore my duty, as Head of the Wizengamot, to temporarily assume control for at the least the duration of this trial. Bring in the accused."

The Dark Lord sauntered in with a smile knowing he would get his swift and painless death and need not fear Severus or Severus's underwear fetish any longer.

Albus looked a bit exasperated and read aloud, "the Ministry of Magic versus Lord You-Know-Who. Honestly people are we really filing his official name as Lord You-Know-Who?"

Someone out in the galley yelled out "Well he's not really a Lord is he?"

Someone else from an opposite side responded, "Fine Mr. You-Know-Who. Let's get on with this."

The Headmaster shook his head wondering if the ridiculousness of this situation somehow was also attributable to Mr. Potter.

"Very well, Mr. Know-Who. Please take a seat," the Headmaster resignedly stated.

"Albus, please, call me You. All my friends do," the accused requested.

"Alright, You. Now due to the sheer volume and number of crimes committed by You, we are foregoing any specific charges at the moment and will simply question You under veritaserum to ascertain what charges to use in order to give You the swift and painless death You agreed to accept."

The majority of the Wizengamot was now thoroughly confused as to whether they were being addressed or the accused was.

Albus took the lead on the questioning, "Please administer the veritaserum."

Three drops were placed on You's tongue and he swallowed. A glazed over look appeared on his face, and his eyes seemed to be less intense red, and honestly they just looked pink.

"Please state your name for the court's records."

"I am the Dark Lord Voldemort. I was born Tom Marvolo Riddle, but most often my friends call me Master, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Mr. Know-Who, or just plain You."

A number of people gasped at his first announced name, but felt a little foolish as they listened to the man continue.

"Are you guilty of murder?"

"I've done my fair share of ethnic cleansing. By this court's silly little laws, I suppose they do count as murder, Yes."

"How many murders have you committed?"

"I cannot say for certain as there were many I assumed died, but given The Boy's response to death, I have some doubts these days. Best guess is around 42,691 if you count muggles as murder. Though only about 2,500 of them were magical."

Some of the crowd seemed shock while the others looked at them wondering what rock they'd been hiding under for the past 20 years.

"Any other significant crimes?"

"I suppose some creatures' genocide, rape, racketeering, burglary, and well just about anything you can imagine I've done. I mean I am a Dark Lord."

Albus looked a little ashamedly at that statement. He seemed to have forgotten that fact, since no Dark Lord in history has ever been put on trial for his crimes. They all perished in battle, refusing to go without taking as many as possible with them. Of course none of the previous Dark Lord's had to overcome what appeared to be at least 8 of the most powerful stunners in wizarding history.

The questioning continued as You freely gave up all his future plans for World Domination, as well as the details to minor plans that were already in motion. He provided the names and locations for all his Death Eating servants as well as bases of locations and sources of funding. Albus was a bit surprised to hear the Dark Lord knew that Severus was a spy, but seemed to believe that Severus was a double agent, loyal to him. Albus was not sure what to think of that, as he believed the exact same thing.

The entire Wizengamot was shocked to hear that after seeing the Dark Lord in the Ministry back in June, the Minister, Cornelius Fudge, approached You-Know-Who to seek out a truce, and ended up a loyal follower. "When he saw how I treated my favorite female pet, Bellatrix, he decided then and there that he wanted to be just like me. As I understand it he sometimes calls Madame Umbridge 'my little Trixie' in their private moments" the Dark Lord explained still under the effects of veritaserum.

The members of the Wizengamot most familiar with Undersecretary Delores Umbridge all found themselves able to taste their own throw-up in the back of their throats.

Once all the questions they could come up with were answered, Albus, as previously agreed upon, led You to the veil of Death in the Department of Mysteries. You seemed to have made some semblance of peace with the dark forces he had sold his soul too and was ready for his own next great adventure.

As per his last request, You was able to acquire a swim cap and some goggles. The swim cap seemed particularly curious since You was already bald and had a shiny pale domed head. No one seemed to want to question this as they allowed the Dark Lord to suit up, fix his goggles location so he could see properly, and then wave to the aurors present and the headmaster before jumping headfirst into the veil in a dive.

The people present merely watched in shock as he disappeared through the veil, though they swore they could here a thud as something landed on something else really hard. The final end of Dark Lord Voldemort was official once the veil seemed to cough and hack and a swim cap and some goggles were spit out.

Albus left the room with bittersweet thoughts as to how he had failed one student so much, but then again Lemon Drops were truly delicious.