Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER THREE – Just the Good Old Boys

Dumbledore and the administration for Magical Law Enforcement (MLE) sent out several teams of aurors to capture and confiscate all the other Death Eaters and contraband revealed through Mr. Know-Who's testimony. While more and more arrests were going to be made this end of July evening, Albus Dumbledore had some more pressing responsibilities.

After closing the book on Tom Marvolo Riddle with an ending so baffling even the headmaster's head hurt thinking about it, Dumbledore headed into an interrogation room, where Minister Fudge was resting comfortably. Or so they assumed as they had yet to break through the stunner he'd been hit with a few hours ago. The Wizengamot assembly had already closed and as such this was an internal investigation for now, that almost certainly would end with a new Minister of Magic for England.

After falling into a pattern of casting Ennervates on the seated and bound Minister, Albus started to think about the past few hours in relation to the past few years, and wondered what the future would hold. 'You take the good; You take the bad; You take them all, and there you have: The Facts of Life. Mm-hmm. The Facts of Life. Uh-huh…'

Albus thoughts were at this point interrupted by the awakening of one Cornelius Snivellus Fudge, who immediately began sputtering, "What's going on? Why am I tied up? I am the Minister of Magic!" before the rotund little politician noticed he was alone in the room with the man he believed to be the most powerful light wizard on the planet.

"Albus! Albus, umm, what ever are we doing here?"

Albus merely put on his disappointed face and looked down on the bound man, letting out the occasional audible sigh. In truth, his mind was scrambling to remember more lyrics to American muggle sitcom theme songs, and decided to wait it out and see how much his 'disappointed grandfather' look could do before he went so far as to open his mouth.

Cornelius Fudge took one look at the old coot's face and knew he was in serious political poopy. Just exactly how much poopy and what kind of poopy he would try to determine from Albus. "Listen, Albus, I'm sorry. I don't know what you must think of me, but before I properly express regret and remorse you must tell me for what reason we are here."

Albus let out a "tsk, tsk" and just shook his head with disappointment etched into his features. No anger or rage or even signs he was upset, just disappointed. If you looked closely you could see a little twinkle in his eye that was singing "…the license plate said 'Fresh' and it had dice in the mirror! If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought 'Naw, forget it! Yo Holmes, to Bel Air!'"

Cornelius was lost. He figured might as well start grasping at straws. 'I remember Potter and the Dark Lord and Severus and …' that was all he remembered. "Look, I had no idea the Dark Lord was going to kill Potter. He kidnapped me and put me under Imperius! I had no choice, Albus. You must believe me."

The look on Albus's face was beginning to look tired. Like he knew everything the Minister was spouting was nothing but lies. Shaking his head with a look of disgust, he was subtly tapping his foot thinking 'Making your way in the world today, takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure could help a lot.'

"Are we looking at losing my position in the ministry here?" the frightened portly man asked.

"Wouldn't you like to get away?" Albus calmly asked.

Cornelius looked at the old man fearfully. "You think I'm going to prison?"

"Do you want to go where everybody knows your name?"

"Azkaban? Not Azkaban!"

"Where they're always glad you came?"

"Please Albus I wouldn't last a day there!"

"You're going to be, where you can see, your troubles are all the same."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever you ask. Give me veritaserum. I'll tell you where Delores hides the house-elf porn. Please just-" and it was at this point the former Minister broke down into unintelligible sobbing.

Albus let a small smile crawl onto his face and thought 'Woody Boyd, my friend, you never fail to break them.'

A quick dose of veritaserum and a recording quill took down all of Mr. Fudge's statements, including the little moments where he could only cry and mumble "my poor little Trixie."

After taking care of the rest of the business required to assuage the public that Albus will be able to handle temporary Minister of Magic duties until a proper election can be held, he left the broken, weak, little Fudgey in the capable hands of the aurors and filed the paperwork for one more of tomorrow's trials.

He then moved on to the next interrogation, and most likely the last one for today. One which he was not looking forward to: his seemingly faithful and trustworthy spy, Potions Master Severus Saladbar Snape.

When he entered the room, there were two aurors already present standing quietly at the back. Severus was awake, although it appeared someone had drawn on his face while he was unconscious. Above his right eyebrow, someone drew another arched eyebrow, as well as a dimpled shadow at the corner of his mouth. As such, the man seemed to be permanently sneering and arching a curious eyebrow. Albus decided he would be best served withholding this information from the Potions Master.

Once Severus's eyes met Albus's he got a relieved look on his face and exclaimed "Thank God you're here Headmaster. No one will tell me what's going on and why I'm being detained."

Albus did not look comforting or reassuring at all in his response. "I'm afraid I'm going to need to ask you some questions under veritaserum before I can brief you on today's events. First, what is the last thing that you remember?"

Severus paled immediately and slowly responded "The….the last thing I remember was jumping in front of Potter's stunner."

Albus arched an eyebrow at his Potions professor, and merely pulled out the veritaserum rather than ask any more questions that would get only half-truths as answers.

Snape realized he was probably screwed, so he just cooperated and swallowed his three drops.

Albus began, "Let's try again; what is the last thing that you remember?"

"Running into Potter's bedroom, seeing the Dark Lord on the floor, casting a mild castration hex that Potter dodged, and then my shield breaking under Potter's stunner."

Albus's eyebrows jumped at the concept of mild castration. "Are you a Death Eater?"

"Yes."

"Are you a loyal Death Eater?"

"No."

"Are you a loyal Order member?"

"No."

"Have you lied to me about the Dark Lord and Death Eater activities?"

"Yes."

"If forced to choose in this war, whom will you be most likely to stand by in the final battle?"

"Whoever appears to be the most likely winner. If Potter is the hope of the light side, I expect it will be the Dark Lord."

"Did you teach Mr. Potter any useful occlumency?"

"No. The Dark Lord ordered me to loosen up Potter's mind, so he could break in more easily."

"Do you hate Harry Potter?"

"More than anything."

"Do you respect me?"

"Less and less each day you put faith in Potter. He will be the end of us all."

At this point the two aurors in the room were cracking up, guffawing, pointing at Severus, and enjoying this interrogation far more than they should have been.

"Have you committed any crimes for which you could be sentenced to Azkaban?"

"No."

Albus sighed, and though he felt a little relieved at that it did nothing to help the feeling of betrayal he had. It seems like he discovers a new failure concerning Harry every day.

At this point Albus filled in Severus on the majority of the late afternoon and early evening's events. "Now that it seems you aren't going to prison, and I assure you, you will be relieved from your position at Hogwarts, what do you plan to do?"

"I am going to do something about this horrid tattoo on my arm, and then stew in my own hatred of all things Potter until I die a bitter lonely childish man."

Albus nodded and thought that sounded like an excellent future for his former spy. He handed him a fresh bag of lemon drops. "Goodbye Severus. You are beyond my ability to help. Or maybe just beyond my own willingness." And with that turned and left the room with a fresh spring in his step, humming a bit of 'Weasley is our King.'

Once Severus was released, he quickly exited the Ministry, holding his head high, complete with extra eyebrow and permanent sneer. He could be heard quietly cackling to himself. 'One day soon, they will all rue the day they crossed me. And on that day, I shall smirk and sneer at them! One day they will all tremble at my super potion power and might. I swear, on my magic, they will learn to fear SNAPERMAN!'

People could been seen keeping clear of the snarky, sneering man hopping down the street trying to make his robe flap in the air like a cape.


Harry felt almost like giggling. He'd never felt so content. Voldemort was out of the picture. No immediate threats on his life in the foreseeable future. And he was walking around with a tender but taut young asscheek of his resting comfortably in the palm of Nymphadora Tonks. He thought Sirius would be damn proud, that at sixteen he had attracted the attention of his most supremely yummy cousin. Harry was sure he was going to go serious full-time all out Marauder on the school now for the next two years. He had a legacy to live up to.

Nymphie and Harry arrived at their apparent destination of the park in Little Whinging. She took Harry's hand and led him over to a pair of swings. Half the time, it took all her concentration not to grab Harry by the shoulders and shake the shimmy out of him and scream "What the hell happened today? Voldemort's gone! You caught him? What? How? TALK!" and the other half the time she just wanted to grab Harry by the shoulders and just press her entire body against him, relax her metamorphmagus muscles, and let her body just mold to fit against him. Then hold on tight and not let go for a long time. Usually she would snap out of those thoughts before the drool actually fell out the corner of her mouth.

After some swinging where Harry tried to impress Tonks by getting really high, he managed to kick up a large pile of dust and gravel and choked severely on a large rock. Harry noticed Tonks was lacking some in the sincerity of her concern for his well-being as she tried to stifle her laughing and snickering but she was unable to conceal her body's movement that Harry elected to term his favorite jiggle.

An awkward silence where they both looked at each other like a couple of baboons raised in captivity seeing the jungle for the first time took the two morons about 7 minutes before they snapped out of it. Clumsily leaning forward, going purely on instinct, they both leaned forward to kiss. Unfortunately, in cases like these, they both have rather awful instincts. Fortunately, Harry is the luckiest bloke in the world, and escaped this situation unscathed. Initially at least. Their lips met, their eyes closed, and the two young idiots stuck their own emotional necks out into the guillotine and actually managed to pull off a pretty damn impressive first kiss. They both relaxed completely into thoughts of the other.

For the duration of the kiss, which they kept their eyes closed was pure bliss for both of them. The moment, for Harry, was completely broken when he opened his eyes and screamed and yelped like a scared little girl. The moment, for Tonks, was broken while her eyes were still closed but she felt Harry jump away and she heard a scream that decidedly sounded like a terrified small child.

The problem arose you see when our young metamorphmagus truly relaxed into the kiss. She has never before quite put her all into a kiss like this one, and in doing so, allowed her concentration not exactly to slip. More like her concentration got a little confused and divided. But apparently when her concentration became less focused on holding her form, and more focused on this amazing young wizard slapping his wet lips up against her own, her concentration mixed a couple of small signals and filled in the blanks on its own with the best solution it had from the available options. And it was for this reason when Harry pulled away from the kiss he was quickly repulsed to find out he was snogging with his own twin.

Tonks felt her heart implode at the look of revulsion on Harry's face. He looked awful peaky and seemed to be gagging a little.

Finally, Harry managed to get out, "Tonks, why the hell do you look like me?"

Tonks all of sudden snapped back to reality and noticed what she'd done. She quickly switched back to her pink-haired green-eyed normal self around Harry and began to apologize. "Harry, I am so, so sorry. You just completely fried half my brain with that kiss and all I could think about was you. My form slipped into you because that was all I could focus on. Damn kid, that's some magical mouth there!"

Harry blushed and seemed quite relieved at that. "I'm sorry Nymphie, it's just I've got no problems with homosexuals kissing other homosexuals, but the idea of me kissing myself, not that I'm not an attractive manly man, well it made me throw up a little in my mouth. And then that sensation made me think of another, and that made me throw up a little more. And right now I'm still feeling a little nauseous and think I'm ready to walk back to my room."

Tonks fought to not smile at Harry's discomfort. "Completely killed the mood pretty quick on ya, didn't it?"

Harry reluctantly agreed, shrugged, and smiled at Tonks as he threw his arm around her shoulder again in preparation for the walk back. Tonks reattached her hand to his buttock and they began the trek to Privet Drive.

"You know, thinking about your morph, even with the switch to my face, I think I could have overlooked it enough, as long as you still had the boobs." Harry remarked with a faraway smile and a nod.

Tonks gave him a little squeeze and said "Always keep the boobs. I'll remember that."

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry swore he saw Tonks chest get a little larger and her shirt get a little tighter. He just shook his head and smiled, as she leaned her head onto his shoulder.

'Mmmm. Boobs.'