Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER SIX – Talon Licking Good

The kids and Tonks all decided they needed to have a more in depth conversation with Cissy. And Harry needed to tell her to stop punishing herself. Maybe even inquire and see if she was still somewhat Narcissa Malfoy and not just Cissy anymore. And perhaps, just maybe, if there is time, inquire into all the embarrassing behavior of Cissy's only child.

They set her on the couch and moved all the blunt objects in the immediate area away. A quick Ennervate and Harry immediately said "Cissy! Stop!"

The effect was lessened when they realized the Ennervate did not work.

The second one did though and Harry managed to keep her from knocking herself out. Cissy sat up on the couch and awaited her Master's commands with wide anxious eyes.

"Alright, Cissy, no more hurting yourself." The woman nodded her head several times with a big smile. The rest of the people in the room just watched her enthusiasm bubbling up. Although Ron may have been focusing his eyes on a more specific pair of her enthusiasms.

"We need to talk to you, to figure out what has happened, and if it can or should be fixed."

"Okiedokie, Master" she responded and seemed to not care or notice Ron's wayward eyes.

Tonks smiled at this response. 'She just might be the Aunt I always wanted.'

Harry started the questioning, "First off, you know you are Narcissa Malfoy, right?"

Cissy had a confused look at her face and pointed at herself. Ron's eyes were focused intently on where she was pointing. "Me Cissy, Master's House elf, Master. Cissy used be Narcissy Malafoy, but now Cissy not being Malafoy. If Cissy not being Master's, Cissy be Narcissy Potter, as Cissy belongs to Master, right Master?"

Harry was quite visibly unable to take that all in and responded with a startling "Aaaahh!"

Hermione seemed to think perhaps Harry leading the questions was bad idea. Partially because as Cissy's Master the responses may be a bit skewed. And partially because he's, well, Harry.

She spoke up, "Cissy, do you remember the responsibilities you had as Narcissa Malfoy?"

"Yes'm Miss Ganger. Cissy had to brush Cissy's hair every night. And umm….wait for Cissy's Drakey-poo to need Cissy."

Hermione wasn't too thrilled about being called Ganger, but thought Cissy had successfully covered the majority of responsibilities a woman like Narcissa Malfoy had.

"Oh! And of course make Cissy's Drakey-poo's momjuice."

And already the kids and Tonks had hit the point of too much information. Fearing anything further that Cissy might over share, the kids and Tonks decided to get a Charms Master to take a look at the bonds and try to determine if it could even be broken and just what would happen if Harry were to give her clothes or otherwise try and break the bond.

Harry spoke up "Ummm, okay. Cissy why don't you wait here, make yourself comfortable and we're going to find someone to help us."

Apparently Cissy read a bit more into Harry's comment to make herself comfortable, and decided she wanted out of these witch's robes and into an outfit befitting a house-elf. With a smile and a snap of her fingers her robes completely disappeared and she was wearing only a used threadbare pillowcase with large holes through the top and two sides for her head and arms. Unfortunately it was not the largest pillowcase, nor made of the most solid material. In fact the frontal strain on the pillowcase made it pretty much entirely sheer. This problem seemed unimportant though compared to the fact that her new outfit did not even reach her bellybutton. And everyone in the room, at that moment knew Narcissa Malfoy was not a natural blonde. The day's events were taking a toll on the kids and Tonks, who were unable to keep their eyes away from this most unexpected turn of events. As such they all seemed to just stare in a fascinated horror at this essentially naked beautiful older woman, who had a smile on her face that only a happy house-elf with a pleased Master could wear. Ron seemed to break the complete silence and stillness when he muttered out a barely audible "homina." Harry seemed to shake his head, turned to Tonks and tackled her to the ground in a forceful kiss.

Looking away from Cissy and keeping his eyes focused on Tonks, Harry requested that Cissy change into something that would cover all of her womanly parts and naughty bits. With another snap of her fingers she was instead wearing a pair of Daisy Duke cut off jean shorts, and one of Harry's annual Christmas Weasley jumpers. His first year's if the pressure on the stitching was any indication. The kids and Tonks managed to tear their eyes away and quickly exit the room. Never once did the smile on Cissy's face falter. Nor Ron's.

Tonks suggested tracking down Professor Flitwick, as she had a feeling the Headmaster would not be in a particularly helpful mood. If the yelling they heard from the kitchen was to be trusted, it sounded like Albus Dumbledore made for an angry drunk.

Explaining the situation to the diminutive Charms Master as they quickly took him to Harry's room, they were eager to get this situation resolved. Filius Flitwick, the consummate professional, stepped into Harry's room and loudly said "Yowza! Nice shirt!" with a lecherous grin. Cissy's house elf enthusiasm it seemed was truly undaunted and she was all too happy to smile and assist in understanding what had happened to her and what the bond did. Honestly, she seemed happier than any human being ever had been. Since the beginning of time. Now even the little argumentative angel on Harry's shoulder was doing a dance and chanting "We get to keep her! We get to keep her!"

"You seem to have quite a knack for getting into pickles Mr. Potter." Professor Flitwick further explained his findings. "From what I can tell, her magic bond with you is truly that of a subservient house-elf bonded to its Master. I cannot begin to explain it, but it appears the bond worked because apparently she in fact has a small amount of house-elf magic in her. My assumption is that the Blacks weren't as pure as they claimed and somewhere along the line, she's a direct descendent of a house-elf."

Harry looked at Tonks and said "Nymphie! You've got a little house-elf in you!"

Tonks scowled deeply at Harry for the nickname. Or maybe that was going to be her house-elf name. Oh god.

Ron however started looking in front and behind Tonks for either Dobby or Winky or the punch line to a bad joke in very poor taste.

Tonks asked meekly "Does that mean just anyone could slap me under a house-elf bond?"

Ginny added with a scary glint in her eye "Or Draco?"

Professor Flitwick's lecherous grin returned before he explained "Sadly, no. One aspect of the bonding is that it must be freely accepted by the recipient. They must, of their complete own free will, accept it."

Hermione's eyebrows rose as she realized Narcissa apparently chose to become Cissy when the magic connected with her.

"One thing I do know though is that since it is a bond with such a small amount of foreign magic in her, that if you were to either forcibly break the bond, or willingly release her of service, it would completely drain her of all her magics."

Tonks butted in "So she'd be a squib if Harry freed her?"

Flitwick smiled and said "In the best case scenario, yes. It's probably just as likely that it would kill her as well."

Ron excitedly accepted this and said "So we get to keep her!"

The professor replied "I believe you should give her the choice, but there's little reason she could ever possibly choose squibhood or death. House-elves are some of the most delightful creatures there are. She's probably never been happier."

Harry looked over at his newest house-elf and realized it would be silly to ask her. She had been answering the question all along with a smile and continuously nodding her head for the past 3 minutes. Harry asked Flitwick another question "So is she still considered a witch, married to Lucius, with the rights, freedoms and responsibilities of that?"

The professor shook his head "I'm afraid not. The minute she accepted the bond, she lost her status as a witch, and she became your property. It is also why her marriage is now null and void."

Cissy felt like easing her Master's worries "Don't worry Master. Cissy never liked Lucy that much. Cissy's parents sold Cissy to Lucy, and Lucy never really made Cissy happy. Lucy be a poncy git with a very small penis. But Cissy would like to see Cissy's Drakey-poo if Master allows."

Harry smiled imagining how Draco will respond to this situation. He'd be damned if he'd let Draco hurt Cissy's feelings though. 'Hmm, never thought I cared about Cissy that much. Must be the bond.' "Of course Cissy. I think we might want to have someone else go and explain the situation to him first, as I don't think he'd understand it if you explained it to him."

Cissy's eyes shed tears of joy. "Of course Master. Cissy knows Cissy's Drakey-poo be a poncy git like Lucy, but Cissy's Drakey-poo be Cissy's Drakey-poo. Cissy thinks Master should explain it to Cissy's Drakey-poo."

Harry nodded and was looking forward to that conversation. "I think we should do that tomorrow. Today's already been a bit much for me."

Cissy nodded and smiled and nodded some more. "Master have something Cissy can do for Master now? Cissy needs work!"

Harry looked over at his friend's and came up with an idea. "Hey Cissy, how are you at potions?"

"Cissy received an 'O' on Cissy's NEWT and be very good!"

"Wow! I bet no one else has a house-elf with a NEWT in Potions. Wanna whip us up four doses of animagi potion Cissy?"

"Cissy do that now!" and with another snap of her fingers she disappeared. To where exactly Harry had no idea, but he was guessing there was a potions lab somewhere here in Grimmauld Place.

Ron and Ginny looked at Harry in awe, while Hermione looked a little affronted out of being cheated of learning a new and complicated potion.

Tonks spoke up "Good thinking Harry. That potion takes a good three hours, and requires a pretty skillful hand. So what do you guys want to do while we wait for them?"

Harry said "I'm getting a little hungry, and I know Ron is eternally hungry-" Ron was nodding quite seriously here "-and I was thinking I've never been to a proper wizarding restaurant. The Leaky Cauldron and the Three Broomsticks are just bar food. You think there's any we could go to where I wouldn't be treated like a God amongst you mere mortals?"

Hermione looked very interested in this too. Tonks was looking pensive and said "Not really. Most of the nice ones, the older purebloods avoid because they dispel all glamours on customers. That's just been a general practice since Voldie's first rise. Although we could just pick up some fly-thru in Hogsmeade and sneak over to the Hogwarts Lake. The grounds should be deserted in summer."

Harry asked "Fly-thru?"

Hermione smiled and adopted her teaching persona. "Fly-thru is just like muggle Drive-thru, except you go around in line on brooms."

Ginny suggested "Ooooh yeah! There's a KFP on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. I haven't eaten there since last summer."

Harry continued to pretend to be acting like he had no idea what they were talking about. Okay so maybe he wasn't really pretending and he didn't have any idea what they were talking about and asked "KFP?"

Ron smiled at the idea and said "Yah mate, KFP! Kentucky Fried Phoenix! Flames of Rebirth Broiled to Perfection!" and Ron's stomach voiced it's approval with a grumble that sounded suspiciously like "Mmm-mmmm."

"People eat phoenix!"

Ginny smiled at his naiveté and said "No silly. I'm not even sure you could cook a phoenix. That's just what the wizard who started it called it. The legend says that a long time ago, some muggle juvenile delinquents snuck onto his farm and tipped over one of this wizard's cows. It fell over and crushed a sleeping phoenix. The phoenix burned up and was reborn, and apparently the left behind carcass of cow was 'The best tasting meat you could fit into your mouth!'"

Apparently Ginny had a bit of naiveté too and never caught the double entendre in the company's slogan. Harry was reminded of the local pizza joint that bragged about its 10" sausage often in the store window.

"Sounds good to me," Harry said. Tonks added "Let's all go get our brooms, and ask if the Headmaster or Remus wants to join us and we can all floo to Hogsmeade and fly from there. Hermione, since you don't have a broom you can just ride on Ron's." A wiggle of the eyebrows and a couple of blushes later they all nodded and got ready to go.

They met back up in the kitchen where it seemed Remus and the Headmaster were trading raw and truthful stories from their pasts. They walked in to hear Remus finish "-only by the morning when I transformed back and I discovered it wasn't a female wolf in heat, but just a wet rotted tree stump. Poppy spent two hours picking out extremely painful splinters. Your turn, Albus."

"Alright, Awwwlllright." The obviously drunk Headmaster didn't seem to notice they had more company in the kitchen or he just didn't care. He was tipping back on his chair and slamming it back forward and tipping it back again. "Okays, Remusss, I got one for ya. I actually ssssuck at bowling. I ussssed magic in a bowling tournament jusssst ssssso I could win." He slurred out seemingly enjoying every 's' sound he could. "That infureriat- infuriara- infur- … damned muggle was such a cocky bastard. He even implied that Jesus was going to have relations with me on Wednesday instead of Ssssaturday. I may forgive a lot of things, but that man needed to lose."

Remus, Tonks and all the kids could barely believe their ears.

"In fact-" and it was at this point the Headmaster finally passed out and fell backward as the chair was tipping in that direction already. He hit with a loud clatter and seemed to have smacked his head. The people around the Headmaster quickly realized he was not in too much danger though as he was snoring quite loudly now.

Harry apparently wasn't fazed as easily these days and said "Hey Remus, we're going to hit Hogsmeade and get some KFP and go eat it by the Hogwart's Lake. Wanna come?"

Remus smiled and seemed perfectly sober. "Albus never could hold his liquor. He'll make a horrible alcoholic but it should add an interesting chapter to his future biographies. And yeah, sounds good. Let me grab my broom and I'll meet you by the fireplace."

They all met up and were about to floo to The Three Broomsticks.

"Maybe we should we do at least a little something to conceal Harry's identity." Remus suggested and looked at Tonks. They put their heads together and with a little help from Crookshanks and Hedwig had Harry looking like a new man.

Harry honestly wasn't too sure about his disguise but realized a little humility might be better than being recognized or mobbed. He decided to forego much more thought on the subject for now and moaned "Man I hate flooing. I swear there's some trick to landing that no one's told me about."

Tonks look confused, while everyone else adopted an unconcerned innocent impression. Tonks voiced this "You mean you don't know?"

Harry looked shocked at this and Hermione looked angry "Tonks! Ixnay on our ecret-say!"

"There is a trick! I KNEW it! Why? Why do you lie to me?"

Ron had a sheepish smug smile and said "Aw c'mon mate. It's funny. You know you're the most powerful and super special wizard since Merlin and you can't even land on your feet through the floo or portkeys."

"It works on portkeys too!"

Ron frowned "Crap. Shouldna said that. Should nah uv said that."

Tonks seemed to realized she'd spoiled some of their fun but felt this wasn't really fair to Harry. "Yes Harry. It's one of the most basic things you should be taught about using most forms of magical travel. The magic needs a focus for where to put the balance of your weight when it sets you back down or out. The trick is to curl your toes."

"That's it? I just curl my toes and I won't have to break my buttbone every time I go anywhere?"

Tonks had a genuine caring smile on her face. "Yes Harry. That's it. Curl your toes and you'll be fine."

She then quickly grabbed the floo powder called out "The Three Broomsticks" hopped through. Remus followed her and then Ginny and Hermione. Ron stopped and said "Sorry we didn't tell you sooner mate, but look at it from our point of view. It was hilarious!" and then he called out his destination and jumped through.

Harry was feeling a bit indignant but pleased to discover he wasn't in fact paranoid. They really were out to get him. He curled his toes and hopped through the floo.

Harry's friends seemed to know very well what was coming, and as soon as he exited the fireplace, his feet seemed to catch on the grate and he found himself flying face first with full momentum straight into the ground. A thoroughly loud fleshy sounding splat was followed by a lot of laughter from his friends.

Tonks added "Oops! Did I forget to mention you're only supposed to curl the toes on one foot?"

Harry seemed to find no humor in this at all and harrumphed to his indignant heart's content as they headed out on their brooms to KFP.

While they were flying leisurely towards the KFP, they briefed Remus on Cissy the super potion making elf. Harry eventually forgave his friends, but he had every intention of making a note of this in his personal Revenge notebooks when he got home. Tonks was going to get two stars and a frownie face for that one.

There was no line and Ginny quickly flew up to the window to order. "I'll take a Raspberry Dragonburger combo with Pumpkin Juice to drink please."

The tired looking young man at the counter unenthusiastically asked her "Would you like to uptrill your chips and Pumpkin Juice to larges for only two sickles more?"

Ginny was a bit tempted before she remembered guys don't like fat chicks, so she elected to pass on the uptrill.

Ron ordered a Bacon Double Dragonburger combo and paid for the uptrill. Hermione and Remus both got some sort of salad with Bowtruckle bits. Tonks elected to go for the Peanut Butter and Ham and Harry wasn't sure he'd be kissing that mouth any time soon. Harry flew up to place his order for the Bacon Double Dragonburger combo, when he noticed the bored looking man taking his order looking at his scar curiously.

"Aren't you Harry Potter?"

Harry deepened his voice and said, "No I'm Incog."

The man at the window looked skeptical and asked "Incog who?"

"Incog Nito." Harry responded with more confidence than he should've had.

"Harry, that's the worst fake name I've ever heard."

"Hey I got outvoted. They all said to use it, but it wasn't my first choice."

"So what was your first choice?"

"Harry Dotter."

It was at this comment a hag inside the restaurant took great offense. Apparently she was showing off hew newborn baby hag, and was particularly touchy about the moustache and muttonchops her little girl was born with. She stomped away angrily.

The man at the window looked curiously at Harry. "Yeah, I'd say I'd hafta agree with your friends. The first one was better. Just how long did you spend on your disguise?"

"Almost twenty seconds. Did it not fool you at all?"

"Harry, it looks like you just glued a hairball and a coughed up mouse carcass to your upper lip. I think a marker could've made a better moustache."

Harry was heavily considering a second frownie face for his Nymphie today. This disguise itched like crazy and didn't exactly smell like daisies either. Once he finished pulling all the miscellaneous animal parts off his face, the manager seemed to notice him and finally recognize him.

"Bless my soul…..it's Harry Potter." The manager whispered loudly.

Harry looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Dedalus. You've met me like a dozen times. Can't you just say 'Hi' like a normal person?"

Dedalus Diggle smiled and said "Sure I could, but this is so much more fun."

Harry sighed. He recognized logic when he heard it, and if there's one thing he's learned it's that you simply cannot fight logic. No matter how much whining and foot stomping you do, logic always wins. Unless you're a girl and can cry, of course.

Dedalus put a hand on the man at the windows shoulder and said "Uptrill his combo for free. It's the least we can do for capturing the Dark Lord."

Harry silently thought that seemed a wee bit cheap for what he had done, but knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.

The four kids, Remus and Tonks got their food and flew off towards the Hogwart's lake. A pleasant evening watching the sun go down and a meal with friends, it was simple pleasures like these Harry had missed out on all his life and was looking forward getting to enjoy a few of them. The food was good and they were all full, excusing Ron of course, even though Harry did end up having to split his chips with the Giant Squid. Harry had a feeling the Squid would be a good ally to have.

They all took their litter, flew back to The Three Broomsticks, and then flooed back to Grimmauld Place. Harry managed to exit the floo far more gracefully and did not even fall. He'd get the hang of this pretty soon.

Harry wasn't sure anymore how he felt about the conversation he'd be having with Cissy's Drakey-poo tomorrow but he knew it couldn't be avoided. But tonight Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron had a potion to take.