Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER NINE – Personal Attack Demons

Harry looked at the two Malfoys in front of him and sighed. And again. This was getting ridiculous. "You seriously want to be a house elf?"

Draco smiled brightly and nodded.

'Well he appears to have half the tricks down already.' Harry thought. "Why exactly do you need my help?"

Cissy chose to answer that one "Yous see Master, Cissy is Master's property, so if Cissy gets new properties of Cissy's own, Cissy needs Master's okiedokie to get new properties of Cissy's own."

Harry wasn't entirely sure he followed all of that and he was beginning to have some doubts about Potions classes this year. 'Of course, the lack of physical and emotional abuse in the class means she's already guaranteed to be a better teacher than Snape. It's the mental trauma and anguish I'm concerned about.'

Harry gave up. "Meh. If it makes you happy, you got my blessing. Do what you gotta do." And with that Harry went off to find some firewhiskey.


"Hey Mini-Minnie, Cottontail or Horny: any of you guys seen Hedwig? I sent her with a letter to Luna like three weeks ago." Snatch asked.

Mini-Minnie looked at Snatch curiously. "You know she's been traipsing around Sweden and other parts of Scandinavia looking for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks right?"

"Oops. Did not know that. Hope Hedwig's okay. Tracking down Luna's probably not the easiest job. Where's Pig either? I was wanting to send Neville a note about getting some specific plants we could use for prank potions."

Cottontail seemed to blush. "Pig's been pretty busy taking letters to Dean and back for me."

Snatch and Horny locked eyes at this response. 'Time for the Weasley Seven Chastity Council to take an official stance,' they both thought at the same time.

Snatch was beginning to hatch a plan. "Why don't you invite Dean over tomorrow? Be nice to see the old roommate outside of school."

'Snatch is getting a bit too good at his innocent face.' Cottontail thought. "I'll ask him as soon as Pig gets back."

Mini-Minnie felt as though Cottontail should be free to date whoever she wanted. 'Then again, that Dean always looked a bit shifty.'

Snatch was starting to hear a new voice and he could tell no one else seemed to have noticed it. It sounded strangely familiar but he was pretty sure he'd never heard it before. It seemed to just reverberate differently in his ear.

It was mumbling, "Thank freaking God I'm home. Crazy bug-eyed blonde bitch needs to wear a bra. Sluts. All of them I tell ya."

Snatch spotted Hedwig flying in the window. Horny spoke up "Well speak of the devil."

The voice came back. "Shove a fist in it, you gangly whiny beggar. Hot Holy Shit! Did my Harry-Wizard get sexier? Me thinks I'm going to need to take another crap on him so I can watch him change again. God, what I wouldn't give just to eat him up, cough him back up, and eat him some more." Hedwig had managed to land on Snatch's shoulder and was nibbling on his ear now.

Snatch's eyebrows jumped in surprise. "Hedwig! Where'd you learn to talk like that?"

Hedwig's big owl eyes got bigger. "Harry-Wizard?"

Snatch's lips thinned. "Yeah?"

"Aww fuck me. God dammit. Where'd you learn to listen like that?" Hedwig looked like her favorite toy was just taken from her.

Cottontail spoke up "Umm Snatch. Are you talking to Hedwig?"

Snatch nodded a bit confused. "Yeah. WAIT! What the-?"

Hedwig looked over at Cottontail. "Christ it's the redheaded tart from Hell. You know I liked you better when you were possessed and commanded the basilisk."

Snatch goggled at his owl wondering when her disposition got so catty.

Mini-Minnie seemed to know exactly what was going on. "I know exactly what is going on."

Everyone turned to her and seemed to be waiting for her to explain.

Hedwig broke the silence, though most likely Snatch was the only one there to realize that. "Spit it out bitch before I nest in that frizz!"

"I'm pretty sure our animagus forms allow us to communicate with other animals of our same or similar species. I think Snatch will be able to understand most all birds. And of course he was already a parseltongue for talking to snakes."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner and how'd you figure this out?" Cottontail asked.

Mini-Minnie blushed. "Crookshanks told me. Quite articulate and intelligent he is."

Hedwig seemed to smirk and turned to her Harry-Wizard. "He's just acting that way around her to try and get in her pants. If she's a pussy now too, it's just a matter of time until he gets another notch on his scratching post."

Snatch was having trouble processing all this and decided to sit down for a while.


A brief discussion with the Weasley Seven Chastity Council left Harry in charge of making sure Dean was prepared and had his intentions in the right place.

Hermione was in charge of keeping Ginny busy for a bit, while Harry and Ron had a brief chat with Dean.

Dean rang the doorbell at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron got grim looks on their faces and answered the door.

Ron began. "Dean, we stand here today, not as your friend or roommate but as the chosen delegates of the Weasley Seven. We need to determine whether you have a future with sweet, young, innocent Ginny."

Dean seemed a bit pale. "The-the Weasley Seven?"

Harry responded in a rapid-fire fashion "Bill, Charlie, Gred, Forge, Mr. Weasley, Ron and Me." He never paused to take a breath or let up on the scary staring he was doing to Dean.

"Now g-guys, come on. Ginny's a big girl and can make her own decisions. You-you know I'd never intentionally hurt her, right?"

Ron and Harry stayed silent and continued staring. Dean seemed a bit afraid to say much else or to attempt to walk in and find Ginny.

Finally Harry spoke. "You know Dean, the Powers that Be needed to find a way to deal with Voldemort's afterlife as well as reward me. Long story short, I hafta keep my personal attack demon fed and happy."

Harry scrunched his eyes closed and nodded his head forward, just like Jeanie on TV taught him. And with a loud pop, Voldemort appeared right next to Harry with glowing red eyes, and what appeared to be blood dripping from the corner of his mouth.

Voldemort hissed "POTTER! Who is it now and do I get to keep my trophy this time?" All of this was said with Voldemort's glowing red eyes narrowed and focused intently on Dean's crotch.

Dean had the most normal and natural male response to this, and cupped his man giblets in both hands and ran down Grimmauld Place screaming for mercy.

Finally, all three, Voldemort, Ron, and Harry broke down laughing.

"Tonks, that was brilliant!" Harry exclaimed.

Voldemort smiled and hugged Harry. She leaned in to kiss him, when Harry put his hand up in the way to stop her. "Nyuh-uhn. You know the rules. No kisses on the lips when you're in your Voldie form. All the other stuff is okay, but not the snogging. It's too personal."

Tonks shifted into her normal self, complete with the bountiful chest and tight shirt and claimed her Snatch as her own.

Ron spoke up "How'd you manage to get the blood on your mouth?"

Tonks wiped her face clean quickly. "Oh sorry, I was just testing the kool-aid we're cooking up for the Welcoming Feast."

Ron started to snicker and tried to embarrass the smitten little morons. "Do I even want to know any of the other rules you two have?"

Harry shook his head. "Probably not. Quite a few of them have to do with the limits on snogging your sister."

"Snatch! You're snogging my sister!"

Harry got that faraway smile. "Naw, not me. Tonks just likes to morph into me, and make out with her. I agreed and let her as long as she follows the rules."

Ron just sputtered indignantly and said things like "Whagga….zitme…ohmy…"

"Settle down Ron. I'm well aware of my oath to the Weasley Seven Chastity Council. One of the rules is they cannot snog unless I am there to watch. And you know …. Umm keep them in line and stuff."

Ron was really beginning to think some of the Council bylaws needed a bit of clarification. He didn't think he wanted to bring this issue up though. He was still a bit scared of Harry's attack demon. Not Voldemort of course but Tonks. You don't want to be around if anyone gets in between her and her Snatch.

"Is this why you keep that locked pensieve underneath your mattress?" Ron asked.

Tonks smacked her Snatch and yelled at it. "Hey! You said that was for just us!"

Harry smiled thinking about it. "It is!" He turned to Ron, "What the heck were you looking for under my mattress anyway?"

Ron couldn't meet their eyes and just said. "You know….umm. Bedbugs."


Off at Hogwarts, the staff was having an introductory meeting and preparing for the new school. The Headmaster stood up. "I'm pleased to announce the return of Professor Lupin to the Defense Against the Dark Arts post."

A smattering of applause and a blushing werewolf took a small bow.

"Our new Potions instructor and Head of Slytherin House is unable to join us today. She's currently undergoing a bonding ceremony and receiving her own personal house elf, who will be her assistant this year. I hope when we do get her settled here you will all welcome Professor Chaos with open arms."

"She's going to have an active assistant that's a house elf? Is that a good idea?" Madame Pomphrey asked.

Albus explained "Well, it is actually her son that she is bonding too and will be her assistant/house elf." Remus and Minerva who knew exactly who Professor Chaos was, and who her son was, both sputtered into their drinks. The rest of the staff assumed it was just Albus being his usual colorful self hiring someone who willingly bonds their own children as servants.

"And in truth I'm not sure how much help she would even be for the purposes of this meeting." Remus and Minerva nodded knowingly.

Filius Flitwick spoke up at this comment. "What exactly is the purpose of this meeting?"

Albus's face looked grave. "I come bringing the warning that this year we shall be forced to deal with the rebirth of educational evil in its official second rise."

Professor Sprout looked aghast. "No! No! Don't tell me…..the Marauders are back?"

Albus could only nod.

Argus Filch looked around at the rest of the staff. "Screw you all! I'm outta here!" And with that Albus was in need of hiring a new caretaker.

"I was hoping Remus would be willing to provide us with some insight, as he is the last known survivor of the first rise. I was hoping you could return to your role as a spy."

"Albus you're confusing me with Severus again. I've never been a spy. And since it seems to have escaped everyone's attention, I'll let you in an apparently not well known fact about werewolves: They are completely and physically unable to betray any of those that they designate as their pack. And I am quite happy to have a new pack."

'Useless mangy wolf. Fine. Be nice if you had told James or Sirius that.' Albus thought. And the not uncommon occurrence of Fawkes appearing and pecking Albus in the head happened. It seemed to be happening more and more often lately.

"You're not going to help us with this at all, are you?" Albus asked Remus.

Remus smiled brightly and shook his head. "Nope."

"Perhaps we should call in some mercenaries…" Albus mused.


Deep in his Snapecave, the Snaperman was putting the finishing touches on his next plan for World Domination. These plans were often a bit lacking as Super Potion Power really wasn't as Super as it used to be.

"Soon my pretties," he said to a series of potions ingredients, "soon they will all cower before me! The Hogwarts' Express will never know what hit it! Muhahaha!"

Far away from the Snapecave, a vigilant young House elf perked up. "Hey Winky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so Dobby, but if they called them sad meals, kids wouldn't buy them."

"No not that my sweetcheeks. Dobby be thinking Dobby smell something nefarious. Something inherently evil, but truly not as bad as it could be if it weren't so just plain stupid."

"Dobby! Does this mean what Winky thinks it does?"

"Yes Winky, yes. Snaperman is up to something. This sounds like a job for Dobby! The Amazing Free Elf!"

"And his faithful sidekick, The Winkinator!"

And with that, the loving happy house elves fell into their all too common breakdancing routine of justice.