Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER TEN – Someone Shoot That Hat!
Harry discovered Draco's house elf bonding went off without a hitch. He discovered this when he got a strong hug from the blonde boy who was crying tears of joy and screaming "Poncy is so happy Mistress's Master is so good to Mistress!"
Apparently Harry had seen enough this summer and didn't even notice Draco's new house elf name was Poncy rather than Drakey-poo or some other such rubbish. Or maybe he was just maturing and would have taken no pleasure in mocking the boy. Okay, probably not the case, but it is possible.
It was the Headmaster who came up with Cissy and Poncy Chaos's disguise. He apparently got the idea from muggles. He borrowed Harry's glasses and cast a couple of duplication charms. Then he popped out the lenses and exclaimed "Ta-da!"
The happy house elf family put on their disguises and stared at each in other in awe. "It's like you're a whole new Poncy!" Cissy happily exclaimed. "Mistress looks nerdy!" Poncy eagerly replied. Poncy seemed to be enjoying the disguise. As evidenced by the fact that he kept smiling while poking his finger through the empty glasses frame and poking himself in the right eye. He finally stopped when he sent some 'accidental magic' into his eye and started seeing pretty pinks everywhere. Cissy quickly healed the cut and cleaned up the blood.
Snatch was quite startled the day before they were going to catch the Hogwarts Express when Mini-Minnie came down carrying Crookshanks. Snatch had not seen Crookshanks all summer and was quite shocked that he could hear him.
"My sweet Hermione. Your incredible brilliance is only matched by your breathtaking beauty. I only wish there were more hours in the day, so I could spend more time covering your naked body with kisses and licks." Mini-Minnie was blushing quite a bit.
"Please allow me to nestle into the warmth of your lap, and I promise to press up against you and purr as hard as I can. Bringing you pleasure, brings me more pleasure than you could ever imagine. Oh my soft tender Hermione. Purrrrrrrrrr."
Cottontail spoke up. "Quite a motor on Crookshanks there Min-Min. I can hear him purring from over here." This just made Hermione blush more.
Horny looked at Mini-Minnie and added "He's talking to you, isn't he? Man, I need to get a pet goat to talk secretly with."
"Whatever Aberforth." Cottontail replied with a roll of her eyes.
Snatch scowled at that and called for Hedwig. The feisty snowy owl came flying in the room. "I'm not your fucking dog, my Harry-Wizard, so don't expect me to come running every time you want your balls licked. Although, on second thought…yummy."
Snatch had gotten used to Hedwig's attitude and a lot of her mannerisms made more sense lately. "I know Hedwig. I just wanted to ask if you could understand Crookshanks."
Horny was mumbling about ruddy birds speaking up, and how rude half conversations in front of people are.
Hedwig replied. "Of course I can my Harry-Wizard. I'm Hedwig."
Snatch continued "Why is that though? I didn't think other kinds of animals could communicate the same."
Hedwig was getting annoyed with her dead sexy Harry-Wizard. "Do I look like a bushy-haired friendless freak? I have no frigging idea."
Luckily Crookshanks heard Snatch's question, and as Mini-Minnie had said, he is articulate and intelligent. "Ah my tactless friend, the reason involves magical creatures' ability to speak through the magic. Since you are a magical bird, you can hear any magical creature speaking. It is the magic that makes it possible. And since I am part kneazle as well as part cat, I can speak with both you and my sweet warm flower here. Purrrrrrr."
Mini-Minnie paled at this. "Snatch? You can –eep– understand Crookshanks?"
Snatch smiled bright and wide. "Maybe…my sweet Hermione."
Horny yelled out an "Oi! Think Tonks." Snatch got a supremely satiated smile as his thoughts wandered as per ordered.
"Anyways guys, I was thinking we need our own private Marauders' headquarters to plan pranks, mix up the potions, store the stuff no one else can see, et cetera." Snatch explained.
"The Room of Requirement is too well known. Kids treat it like a new Astronomy Tower these days. Did you have anywhere in particular in mind? We'd need it to be secret and be able to keep everyone else out of it." Mini-Minnie explained in her sexy librarian voice doing her best to ignore Crookshanks whispering sweet nothings to her lap.
Snatch looked over at Cottontail. "Actually I know a perfect place. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only person known in the world that could possibly get in there. It's just there are just a few bad memories in there."
Cottontail looked a bit scared but understood immediately. Horny wasn't so quick. "What you talking about mate?"
Snatch's eyes never left Cottontail. Mini-Minnie spoke up for them all. "Snatch is suggesting the Chamber of Secrets. And, if Cottontail is up for it, I too think it's perfect."
Cottontail spoke up "It is perfect. As far as I know no one else even knows where the entrance is. And I could really use some good memories of that place. We can set up anything we want. And as spooky as it would be, Snatch could easily work on his other animagus form there."
Horny thought they were all a bit barmy.
Snatch added "We'll use it tomorrow night for the second part of the prank, and we can find a way to put in the passwords into your bracelets then. I'll see if Dobby and Winky want to work on cleaning it up a bit."
It was at this point Snatch heard Crookshanks get quite a bit more graphic and intense in his ministrations. "I want to crawl into your womb my luscious pussy-gato." And he continued to lick her pants in a particularly sensitive spot. Snatch was just laughing at the two crazy kitties.
Hermione quickly picked up an irritated Crookshanks and went to go lock him in her room. Harry wasn't sure what to think when she didn't come back down.
"Hey Moony!" Harry called.
"Yes Snatch?" the elder Marauder inquired with a grin.
"I wanted to know: Did you...umm…did you name me Snatch because I'm a snidget?"
Now Moony knows Harry always has his heart in the right place. He never questions that. But his brain is another matter. Half the time Moony doubted Harry really knew where his brain was. Remus rolled his eyes. "No Snatch. I chose that nickname because your other animagus form is gigantic, thick, hard, and turns heterosexual men to stone."
Harry relaxed at this. "Oh good. I was afraid it was because my name is Harry."
The next morning the four new Marauders packed up their stuff and headed off to Kings Cross station to catch a ride. They had everything planned for their introductory prank and were very much looking forward to this year. Snatch congratulated Cottontail on not making prefect and set her up to cover for him if need be. Horny and Mini-Minnie both had the prefects meeting to deal with.
Dobby and Winky said they sensed some evil afoot and informed Harry they were going to be fighting for freedom and justice and would meet him at Hogwarts later so he could lead them into the future Marauder's lair. Harry thought that sounded like an excellent idea and wished them well. Although Harry did seem surprised when Winky said "Winky be back," moonwalked a few steps away from him and disappeared in a snap of her fingers.
Snaperman's plan was all set. He developed a new potion that would grease up the track and with less friction the Hogwarts Express would be careening along at almost 5 full kilometers an hour faster than it was supposed to be going. He then put a large box of acidic liquid explosives right at the Hogsmeade station. And with the extra speed, it would arrive many seconds before anyone would be prepared for it. With his new potion the train would be going too fast, be unable to stop, and crash into the explosives setting off a deadly chain of events culminating in the election of S. S. Snape as Supreme Commander of the world. He really had a good feeling that this plan was going to work. Maybe it's just the power of optimism but Snaperman's gut told him this was a winner.
Well, no one has ever said Snaperman's gut was always spot on. The Winkinator knew quite well how the criminally incompetent think. Dobby, the Amazing Free Elf recognized the foreign substance on the track. He had no presumptions that it was a new and dangerous potion. He knew very well exactly what the mysterious substance was. Many nights he spent playing Crisco Twister with Winky, and he was very familiar with all the major brands of shortening. Water never helps wash it off, but a quick scrubbing with a peanut butter soaked sponge and they were all set. He even attached more peanut butter sponges to the front of the train, in case there was more Crisco on the tracks further up. Dobby, the Free Elf truly earned the Amazing in his name.
The train ride was uneventful. The kids were all seen getting on. And they were all seen getting off. Neville and Luna rode with Ginny, who casually explained Harry needed to run to the bathroom for about 3-4 hours. Ron and Hermione came back from the prefect meeting and the kids all caught up with each other after their summers. When the train arrived at the normal time and had traveled the normal speed, The Winkinator went to go take care of the peanut butter sponges. It was then that she noticed an apparently formerly invisible box got peanut butter all over it. A little rubbing and she saw an address on it. She felt the best thing to do was to just send it back there, as they'd apparently lost it when it became invisible. A quick snap of her fingers and the box was deposited into a seldom used storage room of the elegant Snape Manor. Little did anyone realize that over time, the peanut butter would eat through the box and corrode the casings on the explosives. There was a ticking time bomb in his home and the Snaperman was none the wiser. Oh the bitter, caustic, biting irony. Poor, poor Snaperman.
The young Marauders were extremely eager to see the results of their first prank, but knew they would have to wait until after the feast. A quick carriage ride and they settled into the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall entered with all the new first years, and they sat the Sorting Hat on his stool awaiting his annual song. What followed could not be explained by mere magic. Many people throughout history have claimed it must have been manipulated and charmed by the Marauders though they claimed no responsibility. You see the Sorting Hat apparently tired of his usual limericks and songs and did something so horrible, so ghastly, that it really cannot be properly explained in words. It needed to be heard to truly understand this calamity. The truth is the Hat did not sing at all this year. The Hat rapped. It started by first just nodding its little Hat tip to some bass line beat only it could hear. Keeping the beat it began:
Guess who's back.
Back Again.
Marauders are
back.
Tell a friend.
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back, Guess who's back,
Bah-nah-nah meep meep
meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
Yes I'm the Sorting
Hat: a thinking cap and all that.
I'm a ratty tattered rapping
capping warning giving hat.
If Godric'd seen what I seen, and am
reduced to now being,
the man woulda shat, Helga'd
laugh,
Rowena'd smack Salz cuz he never gave a crap.
Not to
brag or to seem, crass, rude, or demeaning,
but you'd know that
I'm right if you'd seen what I've seen.
Cause ya see, when
you look at me, and listen to me,
I'll tell you who's what and
just where you should be.
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
I've been here
before, ickle firsties and more,
judging qualities and attributes
of the great Hogwarts Four.
Courage and recklessness war to define
the great hoard,
of masses and masses of bored Gryffindors.
Hex
first, curse some more, planning ahead is a bore,
We're the
brave. Leave the thinking all to Dumbledore.
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
Ravenclaw maintains,
that they've got the brains
to avoid the blood stains and make
this peace reign.
It may sound insane, but the truth remains;
Not
all knowledge is in books but experience the same.
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
They may not seem
tough or treat Death Eaters rough
but loyalty's enough for a
just Hufflepuff.
Friendship, kindness, caring, and just enough
fluff
Mess with Hufflepuff muff and they'll rough up your
stuff.
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
Dear Saladbar thought
that he wouldn't be caught
and tried to change his name whether
Godric liked it or not.
Sneaky old Slytherin, too full of
ambition,
found cunning within and stills fights tradition.
He
knows that it's not about blood or skin,
nor where you've
been, or how you fit in.
Slytherins are not, all evil and rot.
There's been a lot of good people
or ones who just don't
get caught.
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah.
And so now you can
see, why it's left up to me
to give you: your future, your fate,
your destiny.
You are all aware, the dark lord was a bear,
he
was sick and depraved and clearly not all there.
Forget despair,
he no longer breathes air
He's dead, gone for good, no more
nightmare.
Try not to stare neither here nor there
and remember
before I get in your hair.
Heed my warning, be fair, act like you
don't care,
laugh at their pranks, but you should be scared
The
Marauders are everywhere.
Enemies of the heir,
beware.
The Hall erupted into applause, particularly from the more muggle-raised students who at least knew a bit more about music than Stubby Boardman and The Weird Sisters. A few traditionalists were appalled and most everyone was muttering about who or what the Marauders are. Dumbledore stood up and called for silence. The Hall was completely silent aside from Professor McGonagall's fearful sniffles.
"Thank you for the warning, Mr. Hat. I know I'm hungry, so why don't you call up some first years to be sorted, Professor?"
McGonagall composed herself, and the rest of the sorting proceeded without incident though the Headmaster's eyes never left the Marauders for a second. He knew for sure they were up to something. He wasn't sure whether or not they had bewitched the Sorting Hat. He doubted it for now, but didn't want to put anything past them. And he'd thought he'd overheard talk around Grimmauld Place of a spiked beverage.
"I'll save my announcements until after we've eaten. For now, I have this to say: Onomatopoeia!" And with a clap of his hands the food appeared all over the tables in the great hall.
Luckily he was watching very closely, and saw Mr. Potter cast his own special revealing spell as the food appeared. Quite visible all over all the tables, there were more beverage selections than usual. For every one jug of Pumpkin Juice on a table, there was also one jug of Grape Kool-Aid, Cherry Kool-Aid, Orange Kool-Aid, Fruit Punch Kool-Aid, and the highly touted Green Kool-Aid. The Green isn't exactly lime or apple, it's just green. Many muggle-borns recognized this and took great advantage of the sweet tasting sugar water. A few of the purebloods turned up their nose at a muggle drink, but the majority of the students seemed quite happy to have some of the tasty beverage.
Albus saw this immediately, and cast a spell on the nearest jug of Kool-Aid. Sure enough there was some sort of magical effect added to the drink. He was unable to tell what it would do, but it was clearly not simple Kool-Aid. The rest of the staff followed Albus's lead and avoided the Kool-Aid at all costs. Once almost everyone had finished their dinner, and Albus decided he was done waiting on Ron Weasley to finish, he stood up to address the students again.
"Before you go back to your common rooms and nestle snugly into your warm beds, I have a few announcements to make. First I would like you to welcome back to the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, Professor Lupin." Remus took a small bow to the huge applause he garnered. Apparently quite a few kids were tired of bad DADA teachers.
"I would also like to welcome our new Slytherin Head of House and Potions instructor, Professor Chaos." The Slytherins cheered the loudest, but it seemed everyone was quite happy to be rid of the greasy git. "Her son, Poncy, will be assisting in her classes. Please make them feel most welcome, and do not disturb them if they wish to be left alone."
Poncy waved with a bright smile confident no one would be able to see through his disguise. He received some slightly confused applause but Poncy sure didn't care.
"And lastly, I would like you all to welcome our new caretakers, Misters Fred and George Weasley." The two individuals at the end of the table who no one had noticed stood proudly with wicked smiles on their faces as they stared directly at the new Marauders.
This was news to the staff. "Mercenaries indeed." Remus mumbled, though you would be hard-pressed to hear it over Minerva's sobs.
"The Forbidden Forest continues to be Forbidden, and no magic is to be practiced in the halls. Prefects, please lead the-" and it was this that was the trigger to set off the prank the Marauders were getting so terribly itchy waiting to see.
The Headmaster stopped mid-sentence and his eyes bugged out as he fell to the floor and watched his legs detach at the knee and start to run away. He looked around and saw all the rest of the staff watch on in horror as their legs took off out the Hall as well. Many of the purebloods saw theirs go and dove after them, but their legs got away quite freely. Much of the hall was cracking up now that some of the shock had passed, and they seemed to drift back into silent sniggering as all the left legs came back into the hall. The legs were carrying a pair of crutches each, and a personal note attached to the crutches that read:
Dear Body,
I've
had enough. I need a break from us. I just need some space. I may be
back tonight, I may not. I just need to decide if I can continue
going on like this. Just know that I still love you.
Always
yours,
Right Leg
The flip side of the card had a golden "M" in a circle with a stag, large black dog, and wolf running around it.
Remus thought it was absolutely beautiful. Even he had no idea that the prank was already on everyone and the Kool-Aid was the antidote. He didn't know how or where it got placed but he was happy to take his crutches and hobble his one-legged self back to his private quarters to laugh some more at the image of a legless shocked Dumbledore laying on the ground.
In the commotion and continuous laughter that followed the Marauders had snuck out and were on their way to the Chamber of Secrets. They had some work to do tonight.
