Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER TWELVE – In Honor of Padfoot

The kids all decided to treat the caretakers as the opposition in a target-specific prank war. But they weren't going to be making the first move. If the twins pranked them, then it would be on hardcore. But for now, they'd see how long they could idle by on the philosophy of "Live and let live." They wondered if Dumbledore realized what he was getting into. Right now, they were putting it at 50-50 as to whether Hogwarts would still be standing by the end of the next year.

They were gearing up for tomorrow morning's prank scouring through all the old Marauder's journals. Both researching history as well as getting inspiration for future pranks. Harry was reconciling an idea he had. He had found some of Slytherin's personal books in a hidden library Tom must have used back when he was a student. One of the books was on the art of parseltongue. As well as the ways to use it in magic. Harry had been particularly intrigued by a chapter that explained how some spells can be cast normally by saying them in parseltongue, and then as such only be able to be countered by the countercurse in parseltongue. That coupled with some of the old Marauder's classic simple pranks made up a whole new ballgame.

After talking it over with some of the kitchen elves, and particularly Winky's influence, they had the stage all set for breakfast. Apparently Dobby isn't quite held in as high esteem among the elves. Harry wasn't the least bit surprised and was quite happy Dobby was the way he was.

The trio was also quite looking forward to the two classes they had tomorrow. Transfiguration with a frequently scared and crying Professor McGonagall, who Hermione desperately wanted to corner and prove that she knows she's her future self. And Potions with Professor Chaos and her house elf son Poncy. Harry wasn't certain but he seemed to have convinced himself that he predicted this exact situation and new teacher back in first year. He was remembering back to his first Potions class and good old Snapey's speech about putting a stopper in Death. He remembered thinking, 'Bah. This greasy git won't last to the sixth year. By then I'll probably be king of the world, and own that ferrety looking boy's mum as a slave and I'll make her teach the class. And she will have ample bosom.' Harry shook his head and snapped back to the present. He had long ago accepted that he would probably have issues with his mother all his life. 'Love Protection, Schmove Schmotection.'

The Marauders were all enjoying their breakfast waiting until the set time. The Headmaster's eyes widened as he suddenly realized he was not in control of his body and stood up. "May I have your attention please." Nor his mouth apparently. "I wanted to let you all know that about twenty-something odd years ago I caught a student out of bounds by the lake at 2:00 AM. He was completely naked and didn't seem to care in the slightest. I believe he had been coming back from a date with the giant squid. And rather than conjure some clothes and punish him normally through points or detention, I elected to join him in a state of nudity, and personally escorted him back to Gryffindor Tower in complete silence. I think I might have made him cry." And then the Headmaster sat down. A wave of laughter erupted among everyone at breakfast.

Madame Hooch found herself unable to control her body or mouth next and stood. "There was once a particularly cheeky Gryffindor who was trying out for Beater who had a habit of annoying me. I convinced him to wear a 'magical' cup that supposedly not only completely protected the wearer but actually rebounded the bludger with twice the force back. He was in the hospital wing for a week and I got reamed a new one by Madame Pomphrey."

The laughter kept rolling as Madame Pomphrey stood up. "I was stuck with this cheeky brat who kept asking me to 'help him get some feeling back' in what he called 'Paddy Junior.' Twice I caught him spelling my robes to appear like muggle hospital robes with a clear and wide view of my backside. Two other times I didn't catch him. He kept asking about the relationship between dogs in heat and witch's menstrual cycles. He even asked if Giant Squid's could have abortions. He was a bit surprised to learn the giant squid in Hogwarts Lake is a male."

Next Hagrid stood and spoke in surprisingly good English. Must have been the potion. "I remember drinkin' wit' him, and somehow we got onnah the topic of Cerberuses. He fervently believed that a dog 'aving sex wit' a Cerberus should count as a genuine foursome. He even offered photographic proof to back it up." Everyone in the hall was continuously laughing by this point.

Remus stood and said "One time in sixth year, I slipped some suggestive potion into his firewhiskey and got him severely intoxicated. I then convinced him to go hump our Head of House's leg. A friend and I followed him under an invisibility cloak and silencing charm. I was laughing so hard I actually conjured a working camera out of accidental magic."

Minerva had been wearing the most fearful look on her face until she slipped into a calm mask and stood up. "I once slipped a student some suggestive potion and told him to prank his friend as devilishly as he could come up with." Everyone had tears in their eyes laughing by now. "I also remember a large black dog humping my leg…" here she was visibly fighting the potion but appeared to be losing, "…and I remember liking it." Fred and George at this point fell laughing out of their seats at the staff table.

A modified Weasley Whizfire Whizbang went off and the fireworks behind the staff table spelled out "In Honor of Padfoot" and below was a picture of a large black dog quite happily attached to the Deputy Headmistress's leg. And only the Marauder's and Professor McGonagall knew it, but her recently reattached leg felt as though a dog was licking it.

The laughter and ensuing havoc provided ample distraction for Horny, Cottontail, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch to escape. A brief side-trip past the Headmaster's office after Cottontail left on her way to Arithmancy, and the trio was headed to the dungeons. They were extremely grateful they had Potions first and didn't have Transfiguration until after lunch. 'Maybe Hermy Senior will have cooled off by then,' Horny thought.

The kids arrived at the dungeon and thought they had just walked into another world. The room had to be the cleanest and brightest room in all of Hogwarts. There were large windows that were charmed to show outside and it was a gorgeous sunny day. Happy little birds were flying by the window singing songs. Harry knew they were all just dirty limericks, but no one else did. There were clean well organized stocked stations to work at, with all sorts of shiny new tools. They had succeeded. They had created the Anti-Snape.

The trio settled into stations as Poncy waved eagerly at them with a bright smile on his face. Everyone walking in the door knew right away Potions was not going to be like it was before. Professor Chaos was restraining herself admirably, smiling and nodding a welcome to students as they walked in. If you didn't know better you'd swear this woman was going to be an excellent well-adjusted Professor. And like with every proper hangover, the dream ended when she opened her mouth to talk.

"Welcome class! Presfessor Chaos be me. Yous may call me Presfessor or Cissy if yous prefer." She said nearly bursting with fear and joy.

The trio was all groaning inwardly. 'This could get ugly.'

Cissy looked down and began to read off her cue card. "Yous be here to be learned subtle science and artses of the Potions. Yous will not need be waving yous's wand all foolish-like but this still be magic. Cissy is gonna teach yous to bottle yous's fame, glue brory, and hows to kill a stopper." Cissy said with a smile so bright she must have understood what she said because the class obviously didn't.

Poncy then got up in a very obviously planned way, walked up to the Professor and handed her a sheet of parchment. "Thank you Poncy," she said. Poncy walked back to his spot with a couple of unshed tears of joy bubbling up. "Cissy now be reading yous partners yous will have."

"Mr. Crabbe, yous be with Mr. Goyle." The two young men stood up, hugged, and sat back down in the same seats they had by each other to begin with.

"Mr. Smith, yous be with Mr. McMillan. Miss Bones, yous be with Miss Abbott. Miss Patil, yous-"

Padma interrupted her, "Excuse me Professor, which Miss Patil?"

"And yous be?"

"Padma."

"Not yous." Padma sat back down.

"As Cissy was saying, Miss Patil, yous be with Miss Patil." Padma looked over at her twin, who she was already sitting next to and sighed.

"Mr. Weasley, yous be with Miss Ganger." Hermione was already rolling her eyes knowing the 'Ganger' was coming.

"And Master Potter yous be with Cissy."

Harry looked startled. "Umm, is that wise Professor? Wouldn't it be easier if I worked with other students?"

"No Cissy knows what Cissy doing. Master Potter yous with Cissy. But good question Master Potter. One million points to Gryffindor."

Zacharias Smith yelled out "Hey! That's a bit much don't you think?"

Cissy looked shocked "It is?" She looked to her Master for help. He was nodding fervently and mouthed "Way too much."

Cissy looked heartbroken but resigned. "Okay. Cissy…Cissy take back." She was fighting her natural instincts here. "But 10 points from Hufflepuff for speaking out of turn Mr. Smith." She looked to her Master for approval and he was smiling and giving her a thumbs up. Cissy let out an 'eep' of joy.

"Cissy sorry about the points, Master Potter."

Susan raised her hand. "Excuse me, Professor?"

"Yes Miss Bones?"

"Why do you keep calling Harry, Master?"

'Oh crap son of a monkey lover.' both Mini-Minnie and Horny thought. Snatch on the other hand, had prepared for this exact possibility. It's just a question of if Cissy can handle it.

"Cissy not calling Master Potter, Master Potter. Yous just hearing Cissy wrong."

Zacharias's hand shot into the air. "Yes Mr. Smith?"

"Are you sure you're saying Mister Potter and not Master Potter?"

"No Mister Smith. Cissy knows she be calling Master Potter, Master Potter. Cissy is well aware Cissy is saying Master Potter not Master Potter. Okiedokie? Maybe yous need hearing checked too."

Harry smiled inwardly. 'Excellent.'

Cissy then put the instructions for a potion on the board and had everyone get started. She had Poncy going around the room to help everyone, answer questions, and generally make sure they were doing alright. Every time he left a pair of students he'd kiss them each on the cheek before moving on to the next pair. Crabbe and Goyle seemed to blush after they got their kisses.

Harry on the other hand was mildly frustrated because Cissy wasn't letting him do any work. Apparently since she's unable to do all the house elf things for him that she wants to do, she at least needs to take this time to chop up his ingredients for him, stir his potions, and just generally do all his Potions work for him. He got a few dirty looks from classmates thinking he was getting a bit of favoritism, but if this was Harry's cross to bear so be it. It was worth it. And it only added to the righteousness of the Anti-Snape.


Earlier in the Great Hall, the Headmaster tracked down his DADA teacher. "Excuse me, Professor Lupin?"

"Please, sir, call me Remus."

"Well then I insist you call me Albus."

"I have for several years now Albus."

"Oh. Well carry on then."

Remus stared at the Headmaster for ten seconds now. "Um, Albus? Did you need me for something?"

"Oh yes, of course. Thank you for reminding me Remus. I sometimes drift off during these awkward sober hours. Yes I am in need of an expert in the pranking arts. I'm not asking for Mr. Moony's assistance, I know your loyal to your pack, I just require an additional intelligent mind to help me undo a small hex."

"What hex and where?"

"It appears to be a simple pinching hex, and it is on the gargoyle outside my office. It seems impossible to enter my office, or exit it without getting your bottom pinched. I found it extremely entertaining and quite funny, but alas, Minerva used it as the impetus in yet another one of her so-called 'Mental Breakdowns.' She needed to be sedated and is resting in Madame Pomphrey's care at the moment."

Remus was beginning to fear for his colleague's health, but Moony on the other hand clearly thought this to be an excellent challenge for a Marauder.

"Sure Albus, I'll go take a look at it. From the sound of it, that was one of the old standby's we used to always place on each other back when I was a student. It took about a dozen mornings in a row of waking up, stepping out of bed and getting pinched before Sirius caught on and would disable them before getting out of bed. Peter never did get in the hang of disabling them. I think he just started to like the pinching instead."

"Before I forget….again. Do you know where Mr. Potter and/or Miss Granger are at the moment?"

Remus didn't answer as both his and Albus's attention was drawn to the House cup were Gryffindor's point total just seemed to overflow and the points kept spewing up on their tally and falling all over the floor in the Great Hall. They were watching the situation with a slowing dawning horror coming over their faces, when all of sudden all the excess points just disappeared. As well as 10 points from Hufflepuff.

"I think it's safe to guess that they're in Potions at the moment Albus."

"I would have to concur with that Remus. Let's go check out my gargoyle, please."

Remus walked past the gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office and felt a firm pinch. "Yeowch!"

He cast a few identifying spells and tried 'Finite', 'Finite Incantatem', and even 'Nagana-Hoogana-Ragana' without any luck. "Albus, I'm stumped. I swear this is our standard pinch and binding we used to use all the time. We never could find a way to bind it more permanently because any simple 'Finite' would always counter it. It was great to catch unexpecting people or sleeping ones with it though."

Albus sighed. "I feared as much. Everything I've done indicates this hex will be undone with a simple 'Finite' but I've tried it several dozen times as well as every variation I can think of. This is not a matter of simple power either. I think the Marauders are testing me. And I am failing. Without violating your confidences, Remus, any insight you can divine for me would be helpful. Until then, my Deputy Headmistress refuses to meet in my office. Now to go arrange a substitute Transfiguration teacher for this afternoon. Good afternoon Remus."

Remus was snickering quietly to himself. Day three and already the Headmaster seems to be admitting defeat. "Good luck Headmaster."

Cissy looked up at the newcomer entering the classroom. "Presfessor Dumbledore! This be a pleasant surprise. What can Cissy do for yous?"

"Yes, pardon me, Breastfessor Chaos, I was hoping I could borrow Mr. Potter and Miss Granger for a moment."

"Of course. Master Potter, Miss Ganger." She responded nodding towards the individuals requested. They got up and followed the Headmaster out into the hallway.

Snatch and Mini-Minnie knew they had completely covered their tracks and couldn't get caught for any pranks though they wondered how long that would last. It wasn't a secret who was responsible just there was no evidence to prove it.

The Headmaster began, "You two have already surpassed my expectations for this year. As have your Weasley partners in pranking. Unfortunately there hasn't been any evidence pointing towards any culprits in these pranks so far, and as such I cannot punish them severely, perhaps with a cane, for their actions."

Snatch and Mini-Minnie maintained their innocent faces.

"Right now, our Transfiguration professor is resting comfortably. Unfortunately it took several tranquilizers to get her into that state. She is not as young as you are now." Hermione's suspicions seemed to want to infer quite a bit from the Headmaster's choice of wording there.

"As such, I thought it only fitting, since she is unable to teach this afternoon's class, that you Miss Granger take her place since you were going to be in that class anyway. I would like Mr. Potter to assist you in any way you desire, wish, or embarrassingly order him to. Professor McGonagall should be back to her usually spry self by tomorrow, so let us hope this is a one-time thing. You might want to advise all the Marauders to take it easy on her. These little episodes where she wails and cries and has a complete mental breakdown will quickly take a toll on her health."

Hermione felt like it was a dream come true. Teaching, instructing, the most honored of professions. She was plotting and planning that afternoon's class already in her head.

At lunch Hermione gave all three of the other Marauders firm smacks upside the head. "I told you not to kill old me! I think I can recognize when old me is about to blow a coronary." Snatch, Horny, and Cottontail looked a bit ashamed and decided to take it easier on their Head of House.

Transfiguration rolled around and the student's all filed in. They looked confused as to why Hermione was sitting up at the teacher's desk.

"Welcome class, Professor McGonagall had some personal issues to take care of and as such for today I will be leading the class. You can all still call me Hermione but if you feel the need to call me Professor Granger I just might make this class worth your while."

Lavender knew her roommate well and threw her hand in the air. "Professor Granger, what are we going to be studying today?"

Hermione smiled, looked down at some notes, and said "Well, Professor McGonagall's syllabus says 'Impress importance of NEWTs, review areas from OWLs.' But since she's not here, I think we should do something a bit more fun than that." She had the whole class's attention by now.

"Let's look at human to animal transfiguration. I'm sure many of you remember the evil Death Eater clone of Professor Moody who turned Malfoy into a ferret?"

Dean Thomas looked a bit shocked. "Err, evil Death Eater clone? What are you talking about Professor Granger?"

Hermione realized that little fact was not public knowledge. "Umm, I think you must have misheard me Mr. Thomas, I clearly said 'the real, actual Professor Moody' not anything about clones." A quick clearing of her throat, and "Anyways, I thought we'd start by showing you the spell and incantation to turn a person into a goat. Mr. Weasley, if you would be so kind as to be my test subject?"

Ron got up with a smile. This class was going to be fun.

"Now this is a particularly difficult branch of magic, as such you must be very precise in your movements and your incantations." Ron stood across from Hermione and waited to see what she was going to do.

"First you must have a suitable arch in your back. And hold your non-wand hand out in front of you like you're holding onto the reins of a horse or thestral." Professor Granger seemed to be pushing her breasts forward as much as she possibly could, while also perking her ass in the air as much as she could. "And now you must be firm with your wand, and don't be afraid to leave marks on yourself." At this point she proceeded to gallop in place, and was smacking her ass with her wand like she was a jockey pushing on a racehorse. "Listen closely and observe now."

She turned to Ron and winked when she was facing away from the class. She proceeded to continuously give her own bottom a good thwacking while she incanted, "Lick me, Stick me, Prick me, Dick Me. Cries of sorrow, tears of joy, make this man into Goatboy!" And she snapped her wand forward and it emitted a loud whip-like crack, and with a soft 'pop' Ron was replaced with a goat.

The class was in complete shock. They seriously thought she was just making this up and was having them on. Harry was utilizing every ounce of control he had not to crack up.

"As you can see, it may be a bit unorthodox, but this can be a very effective spell. A bit too extensive for dueling purposes, but useful nonetheless. Now before I change Mr. Weasley back, I wanted to demonstrate how to go from human to a magical creature. Mr. Potter please come up here, and take off your shirt."

Snatch found the situation a lot less funny than it was a second ago.

Padma raised her hand. "Yes Miss Patil?"

"Umm, Professor Granger, I was always told it was impossible to transfigure animate living things into magical creatures?"

"Would you like to come up here and teach the class Miss Patil?"

"No! No sorry Professor. I too want Harry to take his shirt off."

"Excellent. Mr. Potter, stop stalling and hurry up."

"Now, for this demonstration I am going to turn Mr. Potter into a…..hmmm….what would his body most likely accept as a magical form. Of course! I shall transfigure him into a golden snidget. Now, the magic required to change him into something that is truly magical requires a deeper connection with the spell's target. Hence we need his shirt off."

Harry was just grumbling about revenge and neutering Crookshanks while he was disrobing.

Hermione at this point was licking her lips, and licking and sucking her wand as though it was something decidedly different. "Now that my wand is sufficiently connected with the magic, I must trace circles around Mr. Potter's nipples to create a focal point for the magic."

The class was transfixed in silence at this strange magic that made Harry alternate between blushing like crazy and paling in fear, not to mention the yummy shivers visibly running through his body. Harry stood there and took this, while a goat was in the corner laughing his goat head off.

Hermione explained the process as she placed her wand on her upper lip and curled it to press it firmly against her nose. Now with both hands free she clasped them together and did the wave. A few times through, as well as one stop, and then reversal of her wave direction and she was ready to proceed to the next step. She retrieved her wand from her upper lip and bellowed out the incantation "Crusty, Lusty, Busty Bitch, We need no cheese, We need no itch, Cross the boundaries, we need to bridge it, now take this boy and make him a snidget!" Another whip-crack and soft pop and there instead of a sad little boy with wet nipples was a snidget floating right at eye level.

The class let out a collective "Wowwwww." Well aside from the goat still laughing.

"The counter curses to both are "'I solemnly swear this is' followed by whomever it is." She walked over to the giggling goat and said "For example, 'I solemnly swear this is Ron Weasley.'" And just like that the goat popped back into Ron. The class was truly impressed. She placed the countercurse on the floating snidget that seemed to be trying to take a crap in her hair, and Harry Potter was welcomed back to the class with a hearty round of applause.

"Obviously, the degree of intimacy required for the magical creature transfiguration may be more than many of you are comfortable with. I will not ask anyone to try it, but if you feel comfortable enough with your partner, please feel free. Mr. Weasley, I would award Gryffindor points for your assistance if I could. Why don't you pair up with Mr. Longbottom, and Mr. Potter and I can help the other students."

"For now, though work on turning your partner into a goat. Remember to be firm with your ass paddling, and enunciate clearly 'Lick me, Stick me, Prick me, Dick Me. Cries of sorrow, tears of joy, make this man into Goatboy!' Do not worry about your partner's gender, it was simply a misogynistic old wizard who developed the spell and didn't make the incantation very politically correct."

"Miss Patil and Miss Patil, if you would like to forego the goat transformation and try for the snidget, please by all means give it a try."

They both smiled and blushed and said "Thank you Professor."

Hermione and Harry spent the rest of the class walking around the room and giving positive words of encouragement even though nobody was having any sorts of success.

Until Neville let out a loud whoop and yelled "I got it! I got it! Look at Ron!"

"Excellent work Mr. Longbottom! I knew you had it in you."

Once Harry got over his embarrassment and anger at Professor Granger, he realized any class with topless twins with wet nipples, and everyone else having a thoroughly smacked bottom is a pretty damn good class.