Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN – Lunar Appetites
"Now remember class, this magic I just taught you must remain super duper secret. I'm not even supposed to know it exists. It's an ancient and generally considered forgotten magic. It actually predates the Druids. The Smurferian era, it is called. They worshipped a Grand Papa as the society's leader. Pretty much every foundation for our concept of magic was defined, discovered, created, and taught during the premiere Smurferian age of enlightenment, specifically called the Age of Prongs."
Professor Granger was briefly interrupted by Horny's bark of laughter that he quickly turned into a hacking cough.
"So what you just saw and learned, I never taught you. It does not exist, and I will completely deny any reports or claims otherwise." A bright smile and nod, "Class dismissed."
The Ravenclaws would have usually thought all of that was a completely made up joke. But after the feats they saw performed, they simply had to accept completely ridiculous things Professor Hermione Granger tells them. Everyone else walked out of the class with a smile on their face. And quite a few of them had developed a new unconscious habit of spanking themselves with their wand, when they were just standing around or walking.
Once everyone had cleared out, Snatch turned to his best sexy librarian type friend. "Damn Mini-Minnie, you are the Queen. That was an absolutely masterful performance. I have to watch this again in the pensieve. Actually Cottontail and Moony need to see this too. There needs to be some sort of hall of fame we can put that entire class period into. You think we could make a Wizarding poster of the Patil twins?"
Horny exclaimed vehemently, "We definitely need to see the pensieve because you two have got to see the faces Neville made when he 'turned me into a goat.' And Wizarding poster of the Patil twins or not, I now have the most intense desire to learn the strongest Occlumency possible. I will die before I let anyone take that memory from me. Parvati's nipples looked darker than Padma's to you guys too right?"
"Yup." Harry quickly agreed and nodded.
"Actually it was more her left nipple than both of them put together." Mini-Minnie added.
"Hey before we go anywhere I want to go remove the pinching hex from the gargoyle. I'm feeling a bit bad about Professor McGonagall. You know Mini-Minnie you'd think you would have been ready for this if you were McGonagall."
"That's not necessarily true, if you factor in how barmy you are as the Headmaster. I'd be a bit loopy myself after all those years with you." Horny gave Mini-Minnie a silent high-five behind Snatch's back.
"I hate you guys."
After fixing the gargoyle the three went to meet up with Cottontail coming out of Defense. Cottontail came running up smiling and giggling. "You guys, I swear to Merlin, that whole class Luna was flirting with and trying to seduce Professor Lupin."
The trio stopped and blinked in unison. A brief moment later Snatch added "Go Luna."
"Hey you guys wanna go grab Moony and show him the new officially rechristened Marauder's Lair?" Snatch asked.
Horny smiled. "Let's do that. And we can show Moony and Cottontail how our Transfiguration class went."
They were just heading to the Defense classroom to catch him, when Moony came running up and encased Snatch in a tight hug. "Snatch, you have no idea how proud Padfoot would be, how proud Prongs or Lily would be, or how proud I am. This morning was one the happiest I've had in almost fifteen years."
Horny raised an eyebrow, "You need to get laid more, Moony."
Cottontail spoke up "Come on Moony, you gotta see the official Marauder's Lair. And we can further discuss your relationship with our friend Luna."
Moony blushed and rolled his eyes. "Lead the way."
"A girl's toilet is your secret hideout? I thought you said it wasn't on the Map either. I gotta say so far I'm pretty disappointed."
"Hey, ease up the toilet mate. This was where we brewed our first polyjuice potion back in second year." Snatch said with a cocky smile.
"You did WHAT in your WHAT year?" Apparently Moony wasn't completely up to date on their past history at Hogwarts.
Cottontail looked thoughtful. "Hmmph. You would think I would have run into you guys."
Horny looked at his sister a bit bittersweet. 'Wish I could bring her some happiness. She's had a rotten first few years at Hogwarts. Maybe I should make a saddle for a fox that fits on my goat back, and set up a slip'n'slide. Goodness knows we got the room and the dirty puddle for it here in the Lair.'
Snatch hissed out "Open" to the tap on the correct sink.
And the pieces finally came together for Moony. "Holy shit, this is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets! Oh my god you guys…" and here Moony paused and was considering something. "You guys set up your home pranking base in the Chamber of Secrets. That's fucking sweet!"
They all jumped down the pipe entrance, although Snatch transformed as he jumped and he flew way ahead of them. He even managed to stay clean and help the others up.
"Isn't there supposed to be a ghost that haunts that bathroom?"
"Yeah that's Myrtle. After classes end and before dinner, as well as in the mornings, she likes to spend time watching the Prefect's bathroom. She just seems to get herself all worked up and frustrated. I'd say it's not very healthy except she's too dead to worry about something like that."
"She ever tell you why she haunts the bathroom?"
Snatch rolled his eyes. "Yeah, she's a big fan of death. A bit bitter. She was actually the only victim when Tom Riddle first opened the Chamber of Secrets and he killed her with the basilisk. She was just in the bathroom crying, opened the stall door, and got a face full of the evil eye. Hagrid got blamed for it though and got expelled and his wand snapped, so 'Way to go Justice!'"
"Tom Riddle as in…"
"Yup the one and only Mr. Know-Who."
"So 'Marauder's Lair', eh? It may not have the panache of 'Chamber of Secrets', but it makes up for it in personality." Moony stated while looking around. "So the Headmaster was already asking for my help on fixing a pinching hex on his gargoyle. We couldn't do a thing to it and he wants me to try and dig up some information from you on it."
Snatch snickered. "Unnecessary, my dear Mr. Moony. I cast a 'Finite' on it before we came to find you."
"I know you didn't cast a normal 'Finite.' Albus and I both tried every variation on 'Finite' we could imagine."
"I learned something very interesting reading a book the other day."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. You're familiar with the concept of plaintext in muggle computer terminology?"
"Yes. Go on."
"Well, think of saying a spell in plaintext. Now you can encode it, and use simple patterns like a letter substitution, and it will still read the same unencoded. This is the difference between a British wizard casting one spell in English, and say, a French wizard casting the same spell but in French. Sometimes it's just the pronunciation, sometimes it's not. Identical effects, just encoded different."
"You are going somewhere with this I hope."
"Patience my dear Moony. Now imagine if instead you could not just encode the spell in a patterned way, but could completely encrypt it, by adding in a foreign magic. The only way to decrypt it then would be with that same specific foreign magic. Now the ability to layer a specific miniscule amount of magic, but so little that it truly does not affect the spell or its results, is almost impossible to reproduce. One of the only ways to do that is with a magical language."
Mini-Minnie looked like she was trying to remember something. She hated not knowing everything. "What exactly is a magical language? Or what makes a language magical rather?"
"Any language that cannot be understood or spoken without the aid of magic is a magical language."
"So that really was just a simple pinching hex and a 'Finite' was all you needed to say?"
"Yup. Just say 'Finite' and she's countered. But of course you have to say it in parseltongue." Harry's cocky smile was just looking cheeky now.
Moony was beginning to think he might need to help out the opposition. These kids had it too easy. Marauder's honor when it comes to keeping secrets, but that would never stop one's ability to prank the other. Moony began stirring up a plan to visit with the new caretakers and see how the new Marauders like a taste of their own medicine. 'Oh damn, now I feel all giggly like a little schoolgirl again.'
Snatch brought out a pensieve and they all watched most of the Transfiguration class. It was even funnier the second time and even Snatch had to laugh at how he kept paling, blushing, and shuddering. Any doubt on holding off on pranking the Marauders now left Moony's mind. And now it wasn't just knocking them down a peg. It was a very worthy bunch of adversaries.
"You guys have all read the official Marauder's codebook, right?"
"Mr. Horny is shocked and appalled at Mr. Moony's insult to our Marauder dedication."
"Miss Cottontail thinks Mr. Moony has something to declare."
"Mr. Moony thinks Miss Cottontail may be a little too confident."
"Miss Mini-Minnie thinks Mr. Moony is going to be making a mistake."
"Mr. Snatch is waiting, Mr. Moony."
"I, Mr. Moony, hereby declare open prankfare. The lines are to be drawn by age, students versus otherwise, and I reserve that the right to acquire outside assistance be allowed to all participants."
"Mr. Snatch is extremely pleased to hear that Mr. Moony. Declaration acknowledged and now I think it's time we head up to dinner, don't you guys?"
Moony couldn't help but notice everyone but him had a knowing smirk on their face. That's the face you never show, until the trap has already been sprung and there is no escape. He was a bit worried because, if anything he would have guessed any prank they had planned would have been at dinner and avoidable. He didn't think they could have known he was going to declare a prank war. But he was feeling a little less certain of that.
They all grabbed the old brooms at the base of the pipe, flew back up out the Marauder's Lair, and then dropped the brooms back down to let gravity place them back at the bottom of the pipe. Remus hadn't even noticed anyone in the bathroom at first, but he caught a strong smell of a stimulated female. He turned around and saw Luna Lovegood standing there calmly staring at him, holding her hands behind her back. This look fit very well, particularly with the red sweater she was not wearing but had been tied around her waist and left her completely topless.
"Hello Remus. May I call you Remus?"
The self-satisfied smirks he saw on the Marauder's faces made a lot more sense. "Erm, I'm not sure that would be entirely proper Miss Lovegood," Remus said uncomfortably.
"You're quite the stickler for the rules aren't you Professor Lupin?" Luna was now swaying in place seemingly quite proud of her breasts.
"Miss Lovegood this is completely inappropriate behavior and if you do not put some clothes on I'm going to have to report this to the Headmaster."
Horny felt obliged to interrupt and cuffed his DADA Professor on the back of his head. "Hey! Little respect to the rest of the present company."
"Yeah shit Moony. She's just letting the twins out to breath a little. Don't be such a prude." Cottontail added.
Remus was bound by Marauder's honor to treat them as Marauders whenever they called him Moony. 'Damn them for reading the codebook.'
Luna started to suck on her pinky and blinked her big lashes at Remus. "Well then could I call you Moony?" she ended with a deep husky purr.
"I gotta go. The smell is effecting my brain." And with that Moony hightailed it out of the girl's bathroom.
Horny was fanning away the air by his own nose. "Seriously Luna, what is that smell? It's a bit rancid but I find myself oddly drawn to it."
Luna smiled and explained "It's a charm to emulate a female Crumple-Horned Snorkack in heat. I learned it over the summer to try and attract a male and capture it."
Cottontail it seemed had her attention fixed on her blonde friend's uncovered chest. "Well I for one think it smells delicious."
"You guys ready for dinner?" Snatch asked.
Everyone responded affirmatively and headed out the girl's bathroom.
Mini-Minnie voiced some of what most were thinking. "Umm, Luna? Are you going to eat dinner topless or are you going to put your sweater back on?"
"I'm going to stay topless for a while. My Moony wouldn't ever consider dating a student, so I need to get expelled. And I need to show him what I have to offer, so once I do get expelled I can stake my claim that much quicker."
"Works for me." Snatch happily exclaimed. "So what exactly brought on this strong attraction to your Moony, Luna?"
Luna blushed and said "I would answer that, but I'm afraid you'd think I was crazy, so I'm going to withhold on that one for now."
Mini-Minnie was a little scared at that prospect. Something a topless young blonde is afraid would affect other's opinion of her mental capacity in a negative way. Mini-Minnie had only one opinion about her that mattered at the moment. And that was about 34B, probably a C-cup within a year and looking absolutely scrumptious.
The Marauders begged and pleaded and convinced Luna to join them at the Gryffindor table for dinner.
Luna attracted quite a bit of attention, though it seemed no one at the staff table seemed to care. Fred and George were watching her with big smiles on their faces and eating and tearing at their food with only their hands and teeth. Professor Flitwick was too used to Luna's behavior apparently. Cissy and Poncy just waved happily at her with bright smiles. Remus was fervently keeping his eyes cast downward and seemed to be trying to jam bread up his nostrils to plug his nose. And the Headmaster just had a sad look on his face because when he walked out of his office to come to dinner he didn't get pinched. He missed it already.
Professor McGonagall walked into the hall, the first anyone had seen her since breakfast. She looked over at her table of Gryffindors, spotted Miss Lovegood topless eating a chicken drumstick, and promptly turned around and walked right back out in the hallway.
Luna was probably disappointed that she didn't receive any reprimand though she would never show it. She took Ron's constant staring, open mouth, and continuous drooling as a compliment and that always brightens a girl's day. Horny was completely in heaven seeing the most joyous union of two of his absolute favorite things in the world. Fried chicken and boobs never went so well together.
The Marauder's provided Luna and the recently dubbed "spectacular crescent orbs of pleasure" with a safe escort back to the Ravenclaw Common Room, before they headed back to Gryffindor Tower. Some conversation, a lot of it centering on the lovely mammary of Miss Lovegood, followed and the Marauders went to bed.
Around four in the morning Snatch woke up to relieve himself. He went into the restroom, chose the first stall, and sat down to urinate. In mid-stream Snatch's eyes snapped open. 'There are a lot of things wrong right now. And I think it begins with the apparent disappearance of Mr. TonkyHonk.'
"Oh crap."
A quick check of personal anatomy confirmed Snatch's suspicions. He was a female. Respectable pair of hoo-hahs he had. 'And this vagina thing definitely has possibilities.' He knew he had to rally the troops and address the current situation.
First, Snatch tried to wake up Horny by shaking him. With little response from the slumbering boyish thing, he decided drastic measures called for drastic actions. He grabbed a good handful of Ron's most exposed breast and gave it a firm squeeze and twist.
"God damn Snatch! You almost ripped my fucking tit off!" And the not-so-tired boy snapped to immediate attention. "What the- Oh my god." Horny then leapt off his bed and ran to the bathroom to further inspect his new anatomy.
Snatch took his wand from its protected wrist holder, and proceeded to 'buzz' Cottontail and Mini-Minnie on their connected bracelets. He heard two distinctly different manly shrieks and told them to meet him in the Common Room. Snatch went to get Horny and bring him down the Common Room, but he found him completely naked and striking poses for the mirror. Even Snatch appreciated him squeezing his arms together to show off some healthy cleavage. When he began bending over and looking at his reflection from an upside-down view between his legs, Snatch decided to leave him be for a while.
"So tell me, Mini-Minnie, how's it feel having a penis?" She scowled and replied "How's the snatch, Snatch?"
"Amazing. Absolutely amazing. But I think I get it without all the cramps, so neener-neener on you. My nipples are more sensitive than I thought possible though."
"Horny coming down any time soon?" Cottontail asked.
Snatch shook his head. "Don't think so. Last I saw him, he was naked in front of the mirror. He looked like a deer caught in…well, headlights."
