Closer than before

When Dawn ran out the door Riley suddenly realized she hadn't known she was touching the scars. He immediately felt guilty about the way he reacted, the tears he'd caused her. He had seen the hurt in her eyes when she looked up at him, but at that time the memories were still too fresh to be thinking of anything else.

So now he was sitting on her couch. He knew his voice was cold and he was distant, and he knew it was making her hurt even more, but he didn't want to make up before he could have explained exactly everything that she needed to know. It was time he told her about the scars, and he didn't want her in his arms before she knew. He was too scared she might just want to run away after she'd heard it and he didn't think he could stand another rejection. So he sat on one side of the couch while Dawn sat on the other, and tried hard to find the right words to start.

'When I was with Buffy'

He lingered for a moment. Ever since they became lovers they hadn't talked about Buffy at all. So now her name was out in the open again.

For a second he closed his eyes and recalled the memory of their break-up.

'I always felt insecure. She had had Angel before me, and he was the love of her life. She even gave him her blood so he could live. After that, there was Dracula. She didn't love him, but she still allowed him to bite her'

He took a long breath before continuing.

'I became insecure about who I was, if I was what Buffy needed. I thought she needed a little more darkness in her lovers'

She was about to comment on his words but he silenced her with just his look.

'Please let me finish my story...I need you to understand'

He went up to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water before returning to the couch.

'That was one of the reasons something happened'

He knew it sounded vague, but he wanted her to understand it hadn't been just an impulse.

'Reason number two is that she never needed me. At least not in the way I needed her. Frankly, I didn't think she needed me at all.'

Once again he took a deep breath and he looked up into her eyes. He could see she didn't understand.

'The day before I left for Belize, Buffy caught me getting bloodsucked by a vampire whore'

There...he had said it. There was no way back now.

She was silent for a moment.

'Did it happen more times than just that time Buffy caught you?'

He nodded.

'They needed something from me. They needed my blood and that was still a lot more than what Buffy ever needed from me.'

She looked up at him and took his hand in hers.

'That's in the past Riley...whatever you did with Buffy, it made you who you are.'

'I became a shallow version of the man I was. I was a coward to run away'

She smiled.

'But you're not running away now. You're talking to me. And you're not a shallow version of yourself anymore. Whatever horrors you faced in Belize, it made you stronger.'

She took his face in her hands and kissed him softly.

'I love you Riley Finn, and whatever happened in the past, it's over now.'

She carressed the little bitemarks on his arm.

'I thought you wanted me to stop giving you a handjob. I was so scared I did something wrong'

Tears appeared in her eyes and he suddenly felt guilty again. He took her into his arms en stroked through her hair.

'Baby no...you were doing it wonderful...and I loved it...as much as I love you'

He gazed into her eyes and kissed away the tears.

'It was just, when you kept touching those bitemarks I got scared. The memories came back and I was afraid you would run...just like Buffy had done'

Dawn looked up into his eyes and asked the question that had kept her mind occupied for so long.

'Am I like Buffy?'

He seemed to think about that for a moment, then smiled.

'You're both special, but you're completely different as well. For one thing, you love me. Buffy never could'

She smiled through her tears and kissed him again.

'I could never stop loving you Riley'

He took her into his arms and kissed her all over her pretty face.

'I'm sorry I hurt you baby, and please don't think you weren't any good. I'm sorry I spoiled it for you'

She looked back at him and gave him a reassuring smile.

'You didn't spoil it for me'

Suddenly her eyes went all sparkly and he knew she was up to something.

Standing up she casted him one quick glance over her shoulder before adding

'I've got a bed here too'