Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER SIXTEEN – Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout Albus?

Minerva McGonagall thought she needed to stop some of the medication she was taking. Too many potions must be causing some kind of conflict. After consulting Madame Pomphrey who assured her no combination of overdoses of any of her potions would cause the severe hallucinations like she was describing. She had one other theory and went to the Headmaster to smack him upside the head.

"Dammit Albus! How soon are you going to give me a time turner? And for what reason?"

The Headmaster was thoroughly confused. Perhaps the Marauders were reneging on their words that they were going to leave their Head of House alone. "I assure you Minerva, I have no plans to give you a time turner. Why on earth would you think that?"

"Because I saw myself chasing Professor Lupin! Well it was my animagus form. But I have no doubt that old Marauder surely did something well deserving of my wrath."

Albus was sorely tempted to point out that she was calling a much younger, former student of hers 'old', but he had at least a little bit more sense than that. "Perhaps some of your medications have hallucinogenic side-effects."

"It's not my potions! I just asked Poppy. I saw me! I had blood in my mouth and there was a gash on the retreating werewolf's arse!"

Albus adopted his highly amused smile and twinkle.

"Not that kind of gash you pervy old coot. I bit him I'm pretty sure."

"You bit a werewolf? Congratulations Minerva, that's not something very many people can claim. Usually it's the other way around."

"Albus this is not a joke! I saw my cat form!"

"Perhaps you saw the ghost of Mrs. Norris, and it was just moving too quickly for your eye."

"Mrs. Norris isn't dead. And I know my form. And you're not even trying to take me seriously if that was the solution you're offering. That was not a ghost, and that was not Mrs. Norris. That was ME!"

"Calm down Minerva. You don't want another episode. Remember your breathing exercises. In and out. In and out. In and out."

A head popped into the Headmaster's fireplace. "Ooh! The secret is out! I can imagine the headlines now: 'The carnal passionate love tryst between the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress.' Do you need some more 'in and out' time or are you ready for me Headmaster?"

"I believe Minerva was just leaving Miss Skeeter. Or if she wasn't that comment you just made will ensure that she does. Goodness Minerva stop making that face or it will stick that way. Lemon drop before you go?"

An extremely red-faced Minerva hissed like an angry kitty. "Good day Albus."

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your invitation, Professor Dumbledore?"

"Why Miss Skeeter, I just wanted to insure that the events of this afternoon were reported fairly and accurately in tomorrow morning's paper."

"Fair and accurate. Right. And so you came to me."

"Certainly Miss Skeeter. Why I simply loved your work in The Quibbler this past year."

Rita rolled her eyes but knew when to shut up and take the stories handed to her on a silver platter.


"Wait so you're telling me Luna is a racist?"

Mini-Minnie looked sheepish. "Certainly appears that way. Something along the lines of 'We're wasting precious oxygen letting the filthy dregs of that bastard nation breathe our rightful air. They need to be put down before they breed again and further spread their vile practices like unkempt armpits.' She then sort of would go into her little angry tizzy of swear words and violent hand gestures. She was swinging poor Mini-Moony around like a bat and smacking him down in her hand a bit rough."

Cottontail nodded. "Yeah, it took some effort on my part to keep her from attacking any Beauxbatons students during the Triwizard Tournament."

"Wow. I had no idea. You'd never suspect it with such kind, forgiving breasts. So why was she angry with Moony?"

"His mother is French. And apparently Luna didn't know that. Well until about a half hour before you showed up. Luna wanted my permission to violently destroy the doll and I had to explain a few things about why she couldn't." Mini-Minnie explained.

"Huh. Well I guess we're pretty lucky she asked permission before breaking Mini-Moony."

"Yeah, although I did have an awful lot of protection charms on him already, so I'm not sure if it would have mattered or not."

Horny was rolling his eyes. "Anyways mate, where were you at?"

Snatch got a smile. "Just meeting a couple more fans. These two offered to do as I command. Never hurts to have a few of those around, ya know."

The next morning the Marauders were eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Mini-Minnie was reading the Daily Prophet and spoke up. "Hey Snatch. Would you care to revise your statement that you were meeting with a couple of fans yesterday?"

"Nope. Just pleasant conversation. Talked them into seeking help with some legal problems."

"By talking with them, do you mean a vicious battle with the Dark Lord's strongest last two remaining servants?"

Snatch let out a gurgle of disgust. "Oh god. How is this one being reported? Let me see that."

Potter Does It Again. Business As Usual.
by Rita Skeeter

Saturday afternoon the Wizarding World's saviour and hero Lord Harry Potter fought, battled, and overcame two of the most dastardly Death Eaters and certainly the two most wanted. Peter Pettigrew and Bellatrix Lestrange were both obviously beaten, defeated, and had their spirits crushed when they arrived at the Ministry yesterday. They confessed openly to their crimes and willingly went to Azkaban prison. They were heard claiming that their new Lord and Master would free them and praise them for their loyalty.

Do not despair if you fear a new rising Dark Lord or threat. Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore assures, "Any new uprising threats will have to deal with Mr. Potter first. He is our champion and hero in every sense of the word. He is far more powerful than I ever was at my peak and I feel better knowing he is out there to deal with any future threat."

Apparently the Headmaster now wears with pride his titles of 'old' and 'barmy' and directs any inquiries about helpful assistance and combating new threats be directed towards the much younger and more attractive Mr. Potter. "Mr. Potter is quite skilled with his wand, as I am sure many witches will be pleased to hear. I believe he may be seeing someone but until there's a ring on a finger, he's fair game ladies."

The Headmaster finished by saying "We cannot praise him enough. I feel extremely lucky that he counts me as one of his 'most loyal' and as long as he is around: Insolence will not be tolerated!"

Snatch snapped his head towards the staff table. The Headmaster looked extremely proud of himself and smiled right back at Snatch. Professor Lupin could be seen sniggering watching the faces Snatch made while reading the article. Professor McGonagall looked like she might snap again at any time. One of the Weasley twins seemed worried about her and asked if she was alright. She responded by slapping him quite hard. The other twin found this quite funny.

Luna sat down and joined the Gryffindors there at breakfast. Snatch was surprised to see the spectacular crescent orbs of pleasure were out and about. "Luna! I figured now that you knew Professor Lupin was part French you'd be wearing tops more often now."

"True that despicable little excuse of a man was the initial reason for my chosen attire. But I read this morning's paper and remembered how much you seemed to like my new look. I figured it was the least I could do for our champion. Our single unmarried champion."

Snatch just closed his eyes, sagged his shoulders and dropped his head down. Unfortunately Miss Lovegood saw this as an opening and quickly leaned forward. Snatch opened his eyes when his face smacked into something quite soft and warm.

Unsure how to deal with this situation, and quite frankly scared like a little girl, Snatch decided running from the Great Hall would be the best response here. He arrived in the owlery and decided to write a letter to his Nymphie and send her the outfit he had made for her.

Upon arrival in the owlery, Snatch was having second thoughts. There was an awful lot of very crude conversation going on between the owls. Many of them were engaged in a pooping contest. It appeared they were judging on speed, accuracy, and volume. Harry was a bit disgusted but when he thought about the extent of a life as an owl, he found it hard to judge or think less of them.

Hedwig came down and sat on his shoulder. "My Harry-Wizard! Have you come to bathe me with your tongue?"

"Not today Hedwig. Just needed to get away from all the hungry looks and hero worshipping going on at breakfast. It seems the Headmaster wasn't too pleased I made him kiss my feet and call me Master yesterday."

"And he still has both hips? I wouldn't have figured he could do that kind of bending. Though if the rumors are true, he magicked out a couple of his own ribs many years ago. Might have made himself some rubber hips too."

Snatch didn't understand that at all and sat down to write a quick note to go with his package.

Dear Nymphie,
I do hope you aren't worried after the Headmaster's particularly vindictive comments in this morning's Prophet. Trust me, even my sex dreams about other people all have you in them. Last night was this great one. At first I was dreaming I was one of the Patil quadruplets. It was this big old incestuous writhing pit of sweaty bodies. After some time I changed back into myself, as apparently I had been under polyjuice. And the remaining three Patils all got this crazy look in their eyes at having a different sort of body to play with now. Needless to say my face got sat on and I was blinded, but when one of them sat up, I saw her curlie-cues were bright pink. It just made me happy to know you were there too. And of course that you approved and were not going to castrate me in the future. Is continuous sexual thoughts similar to love? Hedwig just bit me and told me that yes, love is continuous sexual thoughts. At least until I'm out of school. Oh well. Then I can say with certainty, I love you my Nymphie.

Love,
Snatch

"Can you deliver this little package and this note to Tonks for me Hedwig?"

Hedwig looked at her Harry-Wizard affectionately. "My Harry-Wizard, you can understand me now. So you must be able to understand stupid questions will get stupid responses." And she cuffed him pretty hard with her wing.

She flew off to deliver the note and package and Snatch headed back downstairs.


The next night, Moony's new pack, celebrated their first Hogwarts' full moon together. They'd kept him company at Grimmauld Place one time, but Moony didn't have faith in their animagus capabilities then. Cissy has been providing Wolfsbane and hers tasted slightly better than Snape's. Even still in Grimmauld, Moony had chained himself to the floor, and made the kids stay away from him. They held their forms the whole night without incident and Moony's fears were put to rest.

Tonight they were going to have fun terrorizing the Forbidden Forest. They used an old Marauder spell that enabled telepathic communication between all of them so they could talk in their animal or werewolf forms.

They came upon some centaurs gazing at the sky.

"Mars is dimming still. But Uranus becomes easier to spot every day." Cottontail telepathically sent while walking behind Horny.

Snatch tried buzzing past the centaurs real fast and zipping in front of their line of vision. Nothing seemed to faze them. Only Moony's werewolf hearing caught Bane muttering "Next time I'm bringing a snidget-swatter."

They heard some really loud commotion and Snatch flew ahead while they all ran up. Moony continued on though the rest stopped when Snatch telepathically sent "Nobody come any closer. Trust me you don't want to see this."

Moony didn't heed the warning and howled loudly at the sight before him. Luckily a loud horn drowned out the noise.

"Snatch! What is it?"

"It appears as though Grawp has found a mate. Though I fear for the children's sake."

Horny exclaimed through the link "Oh no what's Luna doing now!"

A chorus of "eww's" from everyone else followed and Snatch said "Not Luna, Horny. It looks like Hagger's lil bro has managed to redomesticate your father's enchanted flying car. Though someone really should patch up that tail pipe."

Mini-Minnie seemed extremely intrigued at this prospect but decided perhaps now wasn't the time for research. Snatch led them all off in a different direction. If Horny had been paying attention he might have even recognized the path they were following.

Moony asked through the link "Umm Snatch. Are you sure you know where you're going? My instincts are telling me this is the wrong way to go. And usually I listen to them."

"Trust me Moony. This'll be fun."

Cottontail looked at their path. "Oooh look! Little spiders walking in a line!"

Horny let out a loud bleat and yelled into their shared link "HELL NO! Uh-uh. No way. We are turning around now."

"Aww come on. It'll be fun. I wonder if Aragog misses us."

"You're leading us into the acromantula's den? Are you nuts?" Cottontail asked.

"Well, as often as you compare me to Dumbledore, I don't feel I should have to answer that."

Moony put his two cents in. "I'm with Horny here…actually where did Horny go?"

"Pretty sure he ran off in the other direction. I'll go get him."

A couple of minutes later and a bribery of a private pensieve viewing, Horny and Snatch returned to where the others were. Unfortunately the others were somewhat surrounded by acromantulas at this time.

"Where the hell have you been and what the flying frig were you thinking leading us here! There are thousands of them!"

"Man you guys have no sense of adventure."

"So says the guy small enough to fly out through the gaps in their teeth and fast enough to get away."

"Alright fine. Watch this."

And Snatch hovered right in the middle of the main force of acromantula's transformed into his other form with a pop and hissed out "Boogada Boogada Boogada!"

The acromantulas nearby fainted at the sight of their most deadly enemy. Many of them lost control of themselves and spewed large quantities of silk on the ground. And all the ones capable of it ran away as fast as they possibly could. The rest of the Marauder's let a bit of their fright go and were laughing at the responses. The werewolf went over and cuffed the large basilisk on the head. "God damn you. I forgot your other form was their deadliest mortal enemy."

"Sheesh, what does it say about me that the people that don't know me expect the world from me, and the people that do seem to think I'm liable to get them killed at any given moment."

The other Marauders just looked at each other and shrugged in their animal forms.

"Alright fine. Everyone hop on and let's see how fast I can slither."

They all mounted up for a basilisk ride. "Dig your claws in all you want. My hide's pretty thick. And away we go!"

Even the centaurs had to pause their stargazing at the sight of a huge basilisk flying past them at a good 30mph with a werewolf, fox, goat, and cat hanging on for dear life.

By morning, Moony had changed back into his more human appearance, and Snatch helped him up to see Madame Pomphrey for some healing and rest. He caught up with Mini-Minnie, Horny, and Cottontail, and they told him he should go to the Lair. They were all going to go sleep and perhaps skip morning classes. Snatch nodded and went to the Lair.

It appeared as though his friends and fellow Marauders had let someone into the Lair. Because when Snatch got down there he found his little Tonky wearing the outfit he made her. It was a soft pink used pillowcase that did not cover very much but had green letters on it saying 'Property of Potter.' She had a bright smile splitting her face open.

"Nymphie wants to play with Nymphie's Master."