Grief II
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Hugging my knees to my chest, I find temporary peace from my sorrow. Peace from Sayid's betrayal. And peace from my miserable sunburn. The sun is retreating down along the horizon and the air is cooling considerably. I breathe it in with a sigh and my eyes scan the horizon for anything on the water. I recall my first week or so on the island. Horizon-scanning was how I spent my days. I was hopeful then. Now I just needed to distract myself. My stomach rumbled but I clenched my teeth against it and it flipped into nausea. I swallowed and close my eyes. Looking back from where I came, I can mostly only see beach. If I squint, however, I can make out Sawyer's tent and a few colorful blankets and sheets on which the remainder of beach-dwellers reside.
Suddenly I feel loneliness creeping through me. A heavy, weighted loneliness which threatens to crush me under its weight. I look around me. Behind me is the thick green wall of jungle which seems to stare at me, taunting me -starting in an abrupt line from the beach. Ahead of me is an immeasurable expanse of ocean which bends over the horizon and disappears beside the setting sun. To either side of me is a lonely stretch of white sand. I feel like a spec of colorful sun-dress in a Great Nothingness.
Boone now is only a trigger to emotion that beats me and wears me down. I feel like I have to do something to seal it off, to complete the hurt. A thought springs into my mind. Where is he? Where is Boone's body? Surely that haven't buried it yet.I stand, tucking my short blonde hair behind my ears, and start y trek to the trail that leads to the caves.
Now I wished that I had decided to go earlier, and that there was more light in the trail that I now followed. I broke into a clumsy, irregular run, trying to beat the sunset and dreading the onset of dark. I hadn't eaten in a long time, and I found myself too weak to do much but walk quickly. I pushed branches out of my way and didn't wince when I stepped on rocks or twigs. I didn't feel any pain. So much of me seemed to be all tense and balled up in my chest and throat and head that I couldn't feel much in my limbs.
I rounded a corner and another body ran smack into me. I stumbled backward, falling from the unexpected collision, and looked up to see who had run into me. Jack stared at me , looking confused.
"Why are you so surprised?" I ask, pulling myself up and brushing myself off.
"You didn't take the meds, did you?" He asked monotonously.
"No, I didn't." I say, not apologetically.
"Why not, Shannon? You'd be sound asleep right now. It wouldn't hurt so much."
I was going to ask what wouldn't hurt so much but I knew he was talking about Boone.
"It wont do me any good to try and numb it. To run away. I'll have to come back and face it sooner or later." Tears fall down my face very suddenly and I am surprised. I wipe them with the back of my hand and Jack sighs. This irritates me, though I cant say why.
"Shannon, you should take the-" He grabs my arm gently, but I wrench out of his grip instantly. This takes him by surprise.
"What are you going to do? Drag me back to Sayid so he can shove some of your sleeping pills down my throat? Leave me alone!" I spat dangerously at the doctor. I continued on my way at a run. I could hear him following me. I ran faster. I slowed when I reached the caves. It occurred to me that I didn't know where Boone was, though I thought I had a good idea. I found my way over to where I thought Jack stayed and I looked around, confused. A thick fog was settling over me. Jack's hand on my shoulder startled me a little.
"Shannon." Jack said.
"Where is he, Jack?" I whimper.
"Come here." Jack puts his arm around my shoulders and he steers me to a remote area near the caves where no one stayed, a reasonable place for keeping a body, I mused.
I saw it. A sheet. I could make out his shape, tall and thin. Where his head and feet and arms were. Jack went in front of me and removed the sheet slowly. He came back to where I was standing as stiffly as Boone's corpse, and gently guided me to his side. I collapsed on the ground and bent my legs under me, staring at the pale body of my step- brother.
"Holler if you need me." Jack's departing words echoed around in my head until they faded eventually, like smoke curling into the sky until it was invisible among the elements.
I reached out with a pale and shaking finger to brush his cheek. I pulled back as if I had been burned, but nothing had happened. I reached out again, this time only feeling the cold skin which was Boone. I bit my trembling lip and grasped his limp, lifeless hand with both of mine as tight as I could. Tears warmed my cold face and tickled my lips. I sat for a long time, just staring at Boone's body and hanging onto his hand as if I could bring him back by doing so. If I could have, I would have given him all my blood just to make his beat again. I would have stayed here with him until the sky caved in on me and until the island was swallowed into the sea. I was telling him this, but he couldn't hear me. His lips are blue, like his closed eyelids. I stand up and let go of Boone's hand. I cover him again with the white sheet, which is worse than the corpse alone, and head back. Jack stands when he sees me emerge and I wait for him to come to me. He grabs a flashlight and escorts me back to the beach. When we are almost to Sawyer's campfire, he stops and I look back to see what he wants. He looks at me and then away, the back again.
"Before Boone... died... He was trying to say something."
"What... what was he trying to say?" I ask desperately.
"Don't get your hopes up. He was dying.. He was almost gone. He woke up and was trying to tell me something... He said... 'Tell Shannon, tell Shannon I –'..."
"Tell me what?" I pleaded.
"Im so sorry. I've probably made it worse..." Jack apologized and rubbed his forehead.
"That's all he said?" I asked.
"And then he was gone." Jack confirmed. He nodded at Sayid who was walking to me, and let his hand linger on my shoulder before taking his leave with the flashlight. I was left in his wake, my mouth in a disappointed line, my eyes threatening to spill over for the millionth time. My arms were cold.. My dress was sleeveless.
"Shannon..." It was Sayid. I turn and face him, ready to start sobbing if he starts wielding a bottle of pills at me. Or screaming. I couldn't muster the energy for both.
"I don't want the damn sleeping pills!" I say through clenched teeth. He looks at me, troubled.
"No. I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I don't even know what I was thinking..." He reaches his hand out to touch my face. I wince and jerk away slightly. He draws his hand back, hurt. My arms are folded and I swallow. Why did I flinch? I can tell I hurt him. He turns and begins to walk back to the fire. He turns back. I have no one to stay with tonight if he leaves me standing here. No fire to keep me warm or safe. Only my grief and the huge darkness for company. He knows this, and so he tried a second time.
"Shannon ...please..." He says.
He steps close to me and tucks my hair behind my ear. I don't flinch. I look at my bare, cold feet. His hand goes to my shoulder and he is rewarded with my eye contact. He steps so he is beside me, his arm going around my shivering frame. He leads me back to the campfire, where our blankets are already rolled out, and helps me sit down. He offers me some meat and water, and I accept gladly. Once I am finished he throws another log on the fire. Sparks leap into the night air and I imagine they are bits of a spirit leaving a body. Unfinished last words.
"He was telling me something." I mumble. Sayid sits beside me and asks me what I'm talking about. "Boone..." I say.
"His last words were 'Tell Shannon, tell Shannon ...'."
"I'm so sorry, Shannon." Sayid says. I smile sadly and continue to stare into the fire. It leaves my eyes stinging and hot, and irritates my sunburn. I lay back on the pillow, welcoming cool darkness. Sayid joins me, pulling the blanket over both of us.
"I think he was going to tell you he loved you, Shannon." Sayid whispers. I smile into the darkness, realizing how my heart had been aching for this to be true, but agonizing because there was no way for me to confirm it.
"I'd like to think that." I whisper back. Images of Boone's pale corpse flashed in front of my eyelids. Disturbing me, I opened them so I could look at the stars instead. I still imagined his intense gray eyes. The ones I would only be able to remember from now on. It was sinking in. Denial wasn't my problem. The fact that it wouldn't stop sinking in , was. I pushed myself closer to Sayid, who welcomed me into his arms. The moon was rising. I fell asleep.
