Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE – Hairy Harry? Or Mini-Minnie?
"Well Mini-Minnie? Are you officially Mini-Minnie? Or just Mini-Minnie to us?"
Hermione scrunched her face in frustration. "I…I'm not sure. But it seems a lot more likely now."
Ron was surprised. "You wouldn't tell yourself? Man you must like pissing you off."
Hermione snapped a vicious glare at Ron. "Someone's begging for a beating and a bleating." She said with a hiss.
Ron backed down and tried to calm down the angry little transfiguration professor.
"The only reason I'm not sure, is because Professor McGonagall isn't sure. It seems logical, but she's been obliviated of her childhood and there isn't records of her attending Hogwarts, even though she sort of thinks she did."
Ghostly Tom spoke up. "I didn't do it."
Everyone turned to him.
Tom shrugged. "I know I'd be a candidate and I'm just preemptively denying it. Not me. She wasn't a student in my time or a teacher."
Sirius added. "She was already Head of Gryffindor and Transfiguration Professor by my time. So I guess Mini-Minnie you went back at least 30 years but not more than 60. How old is Minerva anyway? Like a thousand?"
They all gave Sirius an odd look.
"Hey I was never good in math. That's why you keep Moony around."
Harry spoke up. "We're not sure and it's not exactly the kind of thing you can safely ask a lady. Hey Padfoot, how old was she when you humped her leg?"
"Beats me, though prob…err you know about that?" He finished with a blush.
Ginny got a wicked smirk. "We might have shared the picture with the entire school at breakfast once. Come to think of it, that spurred Minnie's first breakdown. Well this year at least. Found out some interesting things involving a homosexual giant squid at that breakfast."
Sirius smiled in remembrance. "Ahh the blissful ignorance of youth."
"And a naked headmaster."
Sirius made a pained face. "The moment youth officially ended." Harry nodded with that assessment.
Sirius just frowned and shook his head. "I think I need to lie down." And with that he disappeared.
Ginny spoke up. "I'm not sure he realizes he's a ghost still. But Tom you seem to be adjusting pretty well."
"Luckiest Bugger Ever over there knocked me into a similar form for over a decade. Not like I haven't practiced."
Everyone smiled remembering that. Harry smiled the most though. Tom just rolled his eyes.
Ron looked at Hermione. "So I guess we need Snatch to interrogate his old self, the Headmaster, to find out if you're old you?"
"Potter? Is Dumbledore?" Tom said with wide eyes. "Really?"
"No Tom. I'm not. That's just ridiculous. These guys have just been smoking crack and trying to piss me off."
"Don't discount it too quickly Potter. It makes some sense."
"Not you too Tom. Somehow I hate you even more. Honestly, you've had the link to my head. You know what my life has been. You really think if I was the barmy old coot I wouldn't have stopped you back when you were a student? You think this timeline is worth protecting when I could have ended you before you ever started?"
"Yeah that's true. I suppose you could have been obliviated as well, but I doubt a memory charm could stick on your thick head."
"Thank you." Harry said. "I think."
Just then they were interrupted by the arrival of another ghost. "Harry! Entertaining other handsome ghosts and you didn't even invite me. Shame on you."
They all looked a bit worried. Harry let out a panicked "Err sorry Myrtle. Must have forgotten."
"Excuse my horribly mannered forgetful friend over there. I am Miss Beach. Though my friends call me Myrtle." She said with a sultry voice and a wink.
"Err charmed my dear, but we've actually met before. I'm To-" and Tom was interrupted by everyone in the room clearing their throat quite loudly.
Myrtle looked at him closer. "You do look familiar. Did we go to school together maybe?"
The Marauders were looking at each other with apprehension all over their faces.
"Yes actually we did Myrtle. I'm Tom Riddle. We had a few classes together before your … umm unfortunate accident. And I really should say I am truly sorry about that."
"Oh it wasn't your fault Tom, but I'm having trouble placing you still….you…hmm. Wait! Oh my god! Marv!"
Tom bowed his head in shame at his hated old nickname.
"Marv! That is you! My goodness, you grew up nicely. I haven't heard from you in forever."
The Marauder's were looking at each other snickering at the Dark Lord Marv.
"Shut up Potter. And yes Myrtle, I did have a pretty fun run there until my unfortunate death. But hey, painless and quick is hard to complain about."
"Couldn't agree with you more Marv. So what brings you around here? Going to be sticking around a while?" she said eyeing him up and down.
Tom was getting a bit uncomfortable under the scrutiny. "Err actually it looks like I'll be sticking with Potter for the rest of time. Lucky me, eh?" He said with a mirthless chuckle looking at the Marauders for help.
Ginny felt a little retribution was due. "Wait Marv, is this the Myrtle you wrote about in your diary? Somehow I must have never put the two together."
Tom looked frightened but knew he wouldn't hear the end of it from his therapist if he didn't take anything the youngest Weasley gave him. Well for at least a year to even it up some. "That's right you had my diary. Man those things just aren't as secret these days as they used to be."
"It's not like I meant to Marv. I just stumbled across it." She said with an evil smile. "And anyways, you never did settle down did you? Almost like what you were waiting for was already gone, wouldn't you say?"
Tom was getting a bit scared.
Myrtle jumped at this. "A fine specimen like yourself still single? That's just madness Marv." She had hooked her arm to float through where his was. They couldn't really touch each other, but it was just common courtesy.
"Since you're going to be hanging around here for a little while Marv, why don't you let me show you around some of the best ghost spots." Myrtle said licking her lips. Tom thought about it and figured he'd be better off away from anything Harry or Ginny would be saying.
"I'd be delighted. Thank you Myrtle." The pair floated away, although Tom turned around to give them all an angry stare. The Marauders all smiled and waved and said in unison "Bye Marv!"
"You know Marv, they say nothing beats a sunset sitting on the Beach." Myrtle was heard saying with a wicked undertone.
'Oh man it's going to be a long eternity.' Tom thought.
The Headmaster was enjoying his drunken stupor and dreams of a nymph in the Forbidden Forest with a lemon drop clitoris.
"Wake up you barmy old coot!" Minerva yelled with a kick to his ribs.
Albus was slowly coming to.
"Get up now or I'm stepping on your other so-called Deputy Headmaster!"
"Minerva! Please. I was having the most wonderful dream."
"Lemon drop nipples don't even make sense you ingrate. Sour milk is sour milk."
"No Minnie, it wasn't that it was..." Albus paused here and thought Minerva probably wouldn't appreciate his dream. "Nevermind. Why are you here threatening my livelihood?"
"Sit up and look me in the eye." The irate transfiguration professor demanded. He got up and sat at his desk while Minerva settled herself opposite him.
"Now tell me the truth. Did you obliviate me?"
Albus eyes widened and his peaceful mask faltered.
"You bastard! You've been Harry all along! Why? What's the point of lying to me all my life!"
"Minerva, I'm well aware of my condition, although I am curious what brought this on. Part of our agreement was always for me to obliviate you. And what broke through the charm anyway?"
"You've been obliviating me all along! For how long? This is beyond unacceptable!"
"It's only been since I've needed your help, and it's only been when you request it."
"When I request it? And what the devil does this have to do with you being Potter?"
Albus looked at his transfiguration professor wondering what psychotropic substances the Marauders had given her. "Excuse me?"
"Hermione Granger told me the truth!"
"She knows about me?"
"She suspects. And you being Harry would explain an awful lot."
"What exactly does it explain?"
"My whole life for one! As well as why you're so barmy! You've driven yourself crazy I'm sure."
Albus paused and thought about this conversation. "I think the alcohol made me lose track there. What are we talking about again?"
Minerva was getting enraged. "We're talking about how I'm Hermione Granger and you're Harry Potter, you obliviating menace!"
Albus knew he shouldn't do it. He knew it was wrong. But a chuckle escaped from his lips. He was giggling and the veins on his Deputy Headmistress's head were throbbing so much it made the situation even funnier. Finally he just dropped his head behind his desk and grabbed some more firewhiskey. He poured Minnie a large glass, and then proceeded to chug some from the bottle for himself.
"My apologies. I believe we were separated by a common language there. I am not Harry Potter, Minerva. I fear what those Marauders have done to make you think that. I was under the impression you were being withheld from their lunchtime prank but it sounds like we both have been duped." Albus said with as placating and serene a tone as he could manage.
"You're not?"
"Heavens Minerva, why would you think that? Time travel beyond a day is not possible as far as I know. Why would you think you're Hermione Granger?"
Minerva had the decency to blush. "You know how much I wonder about my childhood. And well … I was just so surprised to see her animagus form was identical to mine. That shouldn't be possible. And then you seemed as off the deep end as Mr. Potter often is. And apparently Mr. Weasley has a somewhat unnatural predilection towards goats, much like Aberforth. It just made sense."
Albus smiled at her still struggling with his giggles some.
"Alright, alright. I see how ridiculous it sounds now. I guess I just wanted to know more about my youth." Minerva was smiling and giggling a little at the absurdity of it all now herself. "I think Miss Granger may be even harder to convince as I was. She seems to believe this to be true."
"She has a very logical mind, and I'm sure she will see sense too, once you grab her firmly and rub her nose in it." Albus said with a nod.
Minerva wasn't sure she appreciated that analogy. "But wait a minute. Why did you say you were Harry and obliviated me then?"
Albus looked a bit sheepish. "Ahh, well, we're about a week early, but if you'd like we could take care of it now. It is one of the curses I suffered in Grindelwald's final few weeks. I have an abnormal growth of magic resistant hair all down my back and a little further than that too. It requires a care I cannot give it, and you've been kind enough to shave me once a month for the past few decades."
Minerva face had completely blanched and she was feeling quite ill.
"You always ask me to obliviate you afterwards." Albus said with a sheepish shrug. "And that's why I didn't deny being hairy and obliviating you."
Minerva slowed her breathing down a bit at the mental images that apparently survived the previous obliviations. "Albus, let's put this off as long as possible, and please obliviate me again."
"I figured as much. Obliviate!" Albus incanted and went back to his drinking. Minerva got up and went back to her classroom with a more common and peaceful demeanor.
Unfortunately, Albus neglected to give Minerva any memories after obliviating her, so she merely had a blank over the past few hours. She forgot her conversation with Albus, she forgot his condition, and she even forgot her lunch with Hermione Granger. This is one of the main rules to always remember about memory charms: Never Drink and Obliviate. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Usually Alastor. Though he lost his first wife that way too.
Author's Note: I'm trying here. All the ideas coming to me these days are out of anger of all the crappy stories I've read. I get little OMAKEs I cannot avoid because of the wrongness of other stories. And as cathartic as scenes like that are, it would be too easy to fall into making this pure spiteful parody. Which I may still do anyway. Anyways, here's the latest chapter. Got more than twice as many reviews for 20, than for 19, so I guess people still want more. I'll try and maintain at least once a week a new chapter. Maybe more when inspiration hits.
Example omake that appeases my rage:
Harry giggled and smiled at the beauty in Ginny he had never noticed before this summer.
"After you, milady" He said with a bow as he held the door for her.
Ginny grabbed Harry by the shoulders and shook the shit out of him. "GOD DAMMIT MAN WHAT IS WITH YOU!"
Tonks just had a calm look on her face. "Harry. I'm only saying this once. If you ever say 'milady' again, I'm going to fucking kill you. End of story. I'll cut you, I'll gut you, I'll suffocate you with your own testicles. Just… don't."
Ron shook his head in sadness "Seriously mate. Cedric said it once, and well…he got what he deserved."
Colin Creevey runs up to the confused fluffy young romantic boy and decks him as hard as he can. "Die slow Potter. Die slow and painful." He finished by spitting on him.
Hermione had a vindictive evil look on her face. "I swear to Merlin, I'd find some incontrovertible proof that Snape is your father. I know it's not really likely or possible but I would find a way."
Ginny spoke up "You shouldn't speak ill of the dead."
Ron looked confused. "Snape's not dead, is he?"
"No but Harry's mum is, and well, honestly, it's a lot more likely his mum was a hermaphrodite and is both Harry's mum and dad, than to ever imply someone actually had to physically touch Snape in any way. Let alone those pieces of him." She finished with a shudder, turned her head and projectile vomited.
The ghost of Sirius added "Actually, it's not even scientifically possible for Snape to be anyone's father."
Hermione looked a little disappointed she couldn't torture Harry into the sweet release only suicide would provide over this. "What do you mean?"
Sirius got a sheepish look and winced a bit. "Well, in 7th year I did a bit of a prank on him that involved vanishing his clothes just before he sat on some crazy glue. Turns out he doesn't even have the parts. There was nothing there. He's not even really a he or a she. It's an it. A bitter, sarcastic, weak, greasy, worthless excuse of a human. A lot of people say he's the reason Roe beat Wade." Sirius finished with a shrug.
The Marauders all nodded thinking this sounded quite logical.
