Chapter Eight

Severus Snape paced his quarters for a full fifteen minutes after leaving Dumbledore's office. He knew that the Headmaster would want to speak to him again after his walking out – a conversation he was not looking forward to. He stopped mid-stride. Once again, he shook the image of Kate fainting from his mind.

He made up his mind in that instant. He would get away from Hogwarts for the weekend. He wouldn't tell anyone where he was going, not even Dumbledore. Somewhere in the back of his mind it dimly registered that it was highly irresponsible to take off for a couple of days and not let anyone know – but he was at the stage where he didn't care.

The corridors surrounding his office and rooms were deserted, it now being late at night. He strode along them, holding in one hand a bag with a few things he thought he might need over the weekend. He came to a stretch of wall that appeared as though it were any other. Snape carefully scanned for the right brick to tap.

Fifteen minutes later, he was standing on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. He Apparated to a small house that he owned, which was well away from Hogwarts. He couldn't think of anyone who knew that he owned it – no one would be able to find him there. He immediately took his bag up to the bedroom and left it sitting in the middle of the bed. He returned downstairs and flicked open the drinks cabinet with his wand. A small glass of Firewhiskey would do the trick; take the edge off his confused thoughts.

Severus sat down on the sofa. Despite the cold that was creeping into the house, he didn't light the fire, nor did he light anymore lamps. He could see well enough by the dim flicker that came from a couple of lamps by the door. He drank down the Firewhiskey surprisingly quickly, and was about to reach again for the bottle, when a half-forgotten memory flickered in front of his eyes.

A thick-set man with sallow skin, dark hair and menacing dark eyes advanced on him, smelling of alcohol...

He took his hand from the large, deep orange bottle, suddenly realising how dangerous it would be if he drank himself unconscious.

No, Severus. That is all in the past.

He got up, and paced again. It seemed to calm him for a little while, at least. He hated it when his thoughts kept straying to things that he didn't want to think about. Katharine's face when she had told him about the Dementor only a few hours ago invaded his mind. He sighed, and stopped pacing. He glanced at the Firewhiskey bottle again. No. Not tonight. Never.

Frowning deeply, Severus went back upstairs, half-registering that it was now in the early hours of the morning. How long had he been thinking for? He shut the door to the bedroom. It was bare by anyone's standards. Only a dark, old chest of drawers, an armchair and a big double bed occupied the space. There were no paintings, no mirrors on the wall. Just how he needed it, tonight. Blank.

He picked up the bag from the end of the bed and dropped it onto the chair. His cloak went next, and his shoes were half-tucked under the chair. Soon, Severus stood there in his loose white shirt and black trousers. He failed to suppress a large yawn. He extinguished the light in his room as he walked over to the bed. He pulled back the covers, and fell into bed. Mercifully, he slept dreamlessly.

Severus Snape awoke late the next morning. He was glad that he wasn't waking up in his usual dungeon bedroom. He would deal with things in his own way and in his own time, no matter what ideas Albus Dumbledore had. He got up, ate a quick breakfast, and immersed himself in an old Potions text. It was the best way he knew of taking his mind off whatever was bothering him at that moment. He had worked his way almost halfway through the ancient book when he stopped for lunch and a shower.

He was able to occupy his mind until late afternoon, when a single word in the book flashed an image into his mind of Kate lying in the hospital all those weeks ago in the summer. He slammed the book shut in frustration, coughing slightly at the dust. He replaced the volume on the shelf and paced. Again.

He tried in frustration to clear his mind. His Occlumency skills simply weren't working at all today. He was glad he wasn't at Hogwarts, being forced to talk to Albus Dumbledore. He'd see straight through him on a day like today.

Abruptly, he stopped pacing again. He briefly considered going for a walk, but decided against it for the moment. He wanted and needed to be alone with his thoughts. He didn't want to encounter any pesky Muggles.

Severus spent much of the afternoon flicking through a favourite Potions text. He considered brewing one, just for the hell of it, but realised his mind wasn't in it. His thoughts were still sometimes drifting off in an unnerving direction. He ate a light dinner, and once night had fallen, he left the house.

Severus was glad he had decided to walk at night. It wasn't particularly late in the evening, but the seaside town was almost deserted. He didn't have a specific destination in mind, but he soon realised that he was heading towards the cliff where Lizzy, Kate's sister, had been killed only a few short weeks ago.

He sighed heavily as he walked up the winding cliff path. Severus had been quite happy with his frame of mind up until then. He hadn't been concerned about anyone else until Lizzy had been killed. Since then, his thoughts had been full of half-forgotten memories from years ago. Things that he thought he had put behind him, all those things he had said and done, were coming back to haunt him.

It had been ten times worse when he had seen Kate lying in the corner of that room, half-dead. In an instant he had regretted everything that he had done. Everything he'd done when he'd been a Death Eater, all the evil he had committed... he regretted it all. That night had been the first time in a long while that he had felt compassion towards anyone. While he hated to admit it, at the time it had scared him. He'd screwed up so many things in his life before, and when he had been with Kate in St. Mungo's, he was scared he'd screw up again.

He looked around him. He had reached the cliff top. The view, especially at night, really was incredible. Severus glanced down to the rocks below, and stepped back with a shiver. More memories. Seeing Lizzy down there on the rocks, echoes of Kate's wild screams, Kate's heartbroken face, her heartbreaking sobs... He shook himself again.

For a long while, Severus stared out at the sea. It was a clear night. The moon cast a soft light over the water, rippling softly. He couldn't believe how much his life had changed in two months. Back then, he only had himself to worry about. Now, he actually worried about Kate.

The big change had come when he had taken her to St. Mungo's in the summer. Seeing her so helpless, so hurt, almost lifeless... Something had awoken in him that night, he knew it had. He had never intended to spend all that time at St. Mungo's with her. He had been there that night she had woken up screaming. That had been hard for him. He wouldn't ever forget how she had clung tightly to him, sobbing and shaking. He wasn't sure if Kate remembered that night. She had to suffer so much during that week, going from one emotional extreme to another, and back again...

This time, Severus allowed the train of thought to continue. He had been there through his own choice. It wasn't some idea of Dumbledore's; it had been his own choice. Perhaps the old man had been right last night. He shouldn't push people away.

So much had changed since last summer. Severus didn't feel quite so alone in the world. He never imagined that it would be Kate who changed him. She was a Gryffindor, popular, talented, intelligent... and, also, incredibly brave for a girl of her age. If he was honest with himself, he admired that about her. She and her friends had found themselves in many, many dangerous situations during their time at Hogwarts, and this fight in the dungeons was just the latest.

But why, though, why did she have to suffer so much? Severus could admit to himself that he had been shocked when he had seen Kate in the corner of that dark room. He knew that he had saved her life.

For a long while, Severus stood on the cliff top, gazing out over the moonlit sea. A light breeze ruffled his hair. So much had changed in the two months since he was last here. He actually worried about Kate. He knew that if he met any of the people – he found it hard to call them that – if he met any of the people who had hurt Kate in the summer then he'd hurt them. There was no question about it.

He couldn't understand it. He told himself that he would have a talk with Kate when he got back to Hogwarts. He didn't know what he would say, but he thought that he needed to talk to her.

Severus Snape didn't have a lot in his life, if he was truly honest with himself. He was an accomplished Potion maker, but other than that, there wasn't much. He was missing love, friendship. He had always pushed away anyone who had shown any hint of being nice to him. He wasn't even that nice to Albus Dumbledore a lot of the time.

A lot of what he had gone through when he was younger was similar to what Kate had experienced, in some ways. He knew that he had an opportunity to talk to someone. He might even be able to help. The thought scared him, though. He couldn't do things like that, at least, not the way he was at the moment. Maybe one day, though. Maybe one day.

Somewhere in the distance, a church clock chimed. It was two in the morning. Severus straightened with a jolt. He didn't realise just how long he had been standing there. Slowly, he turned away from the edge and walked back to his house.

He closed the door behind him, and sighed. He hadn't meant to think on those things at all this weekend, that was why he had escaped from Hogwarts. He felt exhausted, even though he hadn't done anything. He slowly made his way upstairs, threw his jumper on the armchair and kicked his shoes off. As he had done the night before, he fell into bed wearing his shirt and trousers.

This time, he did not sleep peacefully. His dreams were full of scenes from his past. Scenes from his childhood, when he had been very young, scenes from when he had been a Death Eater, scenes from the summer... They all flowed into his dreams, going round and round, until Severus awoke with a start, sweating.

As soon as his mind registered that he wasn't kneeling in front of Voldemort, a wand pointed at his heart, he sank back down onto the bed.

He was actually shaking! Severus took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He threw back the covers and went into the hallway to see what the time was. He had slept until the early afternoon! He showered and dressed quickly. A wave of his wand was all it took for the bedroom to be tidy. He took his bag downstairs and put it on the table.

After having something light to eat, Severus went to the bookshelf and pulled out another of his favourite texts. He settled in an armchair with it, and had gotten three quarters of the way through when he realised two things – he was hungry, and he hadn't thought of Kate all afternoon. He closed the book and replaced it on the shelf. As he was eating, he realised that he felt so much better than he had done the previous day.

The clock chimed midnight. Severus tidied away the last few things, picked up his bag and Apparated to the entrance of the secret passage leading to the Hogwarts dungeons. He was returning in a much better frame of mind than when he had left. He walked fairly slowly along the tunnel, in no particular hurry to get back. When he reached the stone wall that would let him back into Hogwarts, he listened intently for a few minutes. Silence.

After opening and closing the entrance, he quietly crept to his rooms. Once there, he undressed and fell into his large, comfortable bed. As he drifted off to sleep, there was the faintest hint of a smile of Severus Snape's face.

Severus Snape didn't go to breakfast on Monday morning. He sensed that it would cause too much chaos, especially after his weekend of absence. He went to his classroom early to prepare. He double-checked his timetable.

First years, first thing on a Monday morning.

Some things in life really were unfair.